WWYD? When concerned family member becomes more harm than help..

MrsT0514

I need some help here. I know I've touched on this before, but its really come to a head and I'm stressed the fuck out.

We've been under some stress lately with managing dr appts and PT for DS. He's got some balance/coordination issues when walking so he's currently in PT with EI and we're in the process of ruling out neurological causes with a neuro (at our local children's hospital) and one of the best ENT practices in the state. So far, the neuro has not wanted to do any imaging or further testing, but we follow up this month. But she has urged us to get a 2nd opinion from an ENT, which our appt is next week.

I vent to my mom about my frustrations through all of this bc we have a close relationship, so she naturally listens and provides feedback as well. She's also a concerned grandparent, and while I appreciate her concern, she tends to nor be shy about voicing concerns and telling me what she would do in certain situations.

Well its gotten to a point where her outward concern has become more of a burden on me than help. We are actively pursuing medical opinion and PT with EI. I am also looking into getting a 2nd opinion from a private PT who I highly trust. Well, my mom insists on telling me things like "well I'd be calling that dr office and demanding a sooner appt". Or "If it were my kid I would push to have an MRI done to rule this and this out". Or "well I was thinking...what if it could be this? What about that?" Now, we are openly communicating with our doctors about all of this stuff and will decide on what tests are appropriate when our dr recommends to do so. We're currently not rushing to sedate my 20 month old to perform an MRI if its not totally necessary. But if/when our dr recommends it, I will certainly oblige (although it scares the fuck out of me).

I love my mom, but I'm under enough stress as is..i don't need her unsolicited opinion clouding my already anxious mind. I get that she's a concerned grandparent, but this is my kid we're talking about here...no one in the world could be more concerned than myself and MH..and we're doing everything we can to get to the bottom of it. We're taking things slow with testing, as the dr has informed us that this could be something (strong suspicion of ENT issues) or it could be developmental, something that will go away/improve with time and age.

When my mom makes these comments, although I know she means well, it honestly makes me feel like she doesnt respect my ability to advocate for my own child's health. It angers me, hurts my feelings, and its put a lot of strain on our relationship. I finally just had it out with her on the phone and I asked her to please consider the nervewracking spot I'm in and to just be there in support of my decision as a parent... and her response was to get defensive with me, get an attitude, and hold a grudge. She just doesnt see the impact of her constantly voicing opinion to me. I'm nervous and stressed out enough, I dont need another unsolicited, medically unsound opinion to mull around in my already overloaded brain right now.

Sorry for the tl; dr. Thanks for listening..im just not sure what do or where to turn at this point.

MrsT0514

@pobrecita I hope my fat finger didnt accidentally report you, shit!

But, you're right about that. I know part of this is my own fault, but I guess I'm just so used to being able to talk to her about anything, that NOT talking to her about something thats kn my mind feels weird. But I known it what I need to do right now.

aforst

I went through this exact same thing with my mom when DD was in the NICU.  I would call her crying because of another set back and she would go on and on about how I should have her transferred to another NICU (????).  I was venting to DH about it one day and then later that day I got a text from her saying she was sorry and knew that her going on like that wasn't helpful. I was sure DH had said something to her, but amazingly she had done it on her own. 

At any rate, it didn't last and she was doing it again a week later.  I finally just blew up and told her that I understood she was worried about me and her granddaughter and that nobody wanted her home more than me.  I just told her I needed her to be there to listen and support and that was it. 

Luckily, my mom is pretty good about not getting defensive and really trying to make changes if I bring it up to her.  My point is that you did the right thing is being upfront with her.  Hopefully if she thinks on it she'll realize that she's being more hurtful than helpful.  I just wanted you to know that I TOTALLY feel your pain. 

curlylocks3

Another vote for not talking about it with her. Is there a friend you can talk to instead?

MrsT0514

Thanks all. And I will definitely be going over all of this at my therapy appt tomorrow with my counselor.

@HilarityEnsued‌ I didnt take what you said as harsh at all. In fact, I've recently come to the realization myself that my mommy will not always know best anymore, now than I'm a mother with a child of my own, and I need to learn to grow up and ride the waves by myself sometimes. Its a tough thing to realize, but its the truth.

It sucks. I love my mom, she's my best friend, but unfortunately sometimes her stubborn and strong willed personality clashes with mine and gets in the way. Our last conversation ended with her getting defensive and pissy and me hanging up on her. Awesome. That went well.

MrsT0514

@TyrannosaurusLex‌ im sorry you're deal I with this kind of shit too. Its awful. My mom's latest theory is that we should push for an MRI bc what if the source pf my son's coordination/balance issues is a benign growth/tumor pressing on his brain or something like that. I just cant even fucking go there right now. Just cant.

MrsT0514

TyrannosaurusLex said:

MrsT0514 said:

@TyrannosaurusLex‌ im sorry you're deal I with this kind of shit too. Its awful. My mom's latest theory is that we should push for an MRI bc what if the source pf my son's coordination/balance issues is a benign growth/tumor pressing on his brain or something like that. I just cant even fucking go there right now. Just cant.

Yeah sounds a lot like my mom. That's when I say "what makes you think that wouldn't have occurred to the doctors
if it was a concern and yet it's occurred to you?"

Exactly what I told her! Ah. So frustrating. Its like she doesnt realize that everything thats occurred to her has already been touched on my myself/our medical team.

Rebis58

Your relationship with your mom sounds similar to mine. I talk to her a lot and find a lot of comfort from that, but she can also be a bit overbearing at times which can be annoying. I understand PP's suggestion to stop talking to her but for me this would be a last resort. For my own sake as well as my mom's I'd try to find a resolution first. Can you share what you told us with your mom? It sounds like she may be defensive, but if you focus more on how you feel as opposed to what she's doing, maybe it'll get through to her? If she throws a fit or holds a grudge, I would then tell her something along the lines of "if you can't see where I'm coming from and how some of your comments make me feel, I'll have to stop talking about this with you for my own well-being"

Good luck - hope she can see your side!

jesuisfatiguee

Have you tried being direct and saying, "Mom, this is really not helping. I know you're trying to help, but I am already so stressed out I just need you to listen." 

I am obviously not a guru of familial relationships, but it's worth a shot before just not talking to her about it all... right?

MrsT0514

Yeah, unfortunately this has gone far past me simply telling her what I need right now. BTDT, and all I get in return from her is "ok FINE. ::sigh:: ::scoff:: I dont know what you want me to say then".

Today's conversation (before I got fed up, had it out with her and hung up) came to a head when she started on her escapade like she always does with "I know you dont want to hear this BUT...I am really concerned about this this and this, and if it were my kid I'd be pushing for the CT Scan, MRI, and whatnot to rule everything out. And I'd be banging down these doctors' doors until they gave me an answer, and yadda yadda yadda"

Ok mom. Well thanks, bc what I'M doing apparently isnt good enough or the "right way"? And you feel the need to once again, make this about YOU and YOUR feelings. Not about mine and my kid's? Sweet. Cool story.

And just for kickers, I guarantee that if in theory, this was 25-30 yrs ago and if it WAS your kid's in this situation, you would not be pushing to have him/her sedated at 20mo unless you had a damn good pile of reasons and a dr's recommendation, making it medically necessary.

Disclaimer here is that I know she obviously means no malice but what she says..she just doesn't know when to pump the brakes and consider my feelings instead of getting her concerns off her chest. I'm just frustrated as all get out and it sucks that I cant productively vent to her about this stuff.

MrsT0514

@ClaryPax‌ Yeah, I agree tha some boundary-setting is in order. Bc this is just crazy. Its just been pretty difficult for me, bc I'm pretty anxious lately about this stuff (which isnt healthy in general, and on top of it I'm pg with #2 right now) and I can only really afford to see my therapist 2x a month, and I dont really have any IRL friends that understand the situation I'm in..so it just sucks not having that big a support system (except for you awesome peeps).

BootsOrHearts

I think people have given good suggestions. 

My MIL used to drive me bananas with advice about how to get LO to sleep better including. . wait for it. . . rice cereal in his bottle when he was like 4 months old. Thing is, for the most part he's a good sleeper but just like anyone, he has some rough nights sometimes. 

Anyway I got tired of the unsolicited advice so now my standard answer to 'how did he sleep last night?' is 'Good!' whether he did or not. Works like a charm and keeps everyone happy. 

So if you can give her some high level info and not get into the details that might help like 'we're still trying to figure out what's going on, when we know more we'll fill you in' kind of thing. 

I hope you do get some answers soon! 

MrsT0514

Thank you for the sound advice everyone. Like -auntie- said, I think I need to understand that although she's my mom and we're close, she's not the type of support I need right now, in this situation. Im sure emotion plays a huge part in her reaction to me, as auntie mentioned...She's worried about her daughter and grandson, and I cant change the way she reacts to things. And while I will appreciate her concern, I maybe need to keep this stuff out of our conversations for now to allow everything to pan out and not create any more tension between us.

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