S/O ILs....

raraavis28

Somebody reassure me that I'm not being a horrible DIL....

SIL is getting married in a couple weeks. I never planned on bringing the boys for any of it (they're 20 months, for those who can't see my ticker), but yesterday MIL started getting all insistent that DH and I bring them to the church so she can get a family photo with them in it. The wedding is a 45 minute drive away, and in order to be out the door on time, we'd have to wake the boys up mid-nap. Also, they are not great in church...more often than not we spend at least half of Mass in the back walking around with them.  And if they had only gotten half a nap, I doubt they'd make it even halfway through (it'll be a Catholic wedding Mass, so we're talking an hour-hour and a half). Plus, apparently DH and I are going to be asked to bring up the gifts (though SIL hasn't gotten around to asking us yet??), which is kind of impossible holding toddlers, and there's no one on DH's side that they would reliably go to without a fit. Oh, also they are pretty darn unreliable for pictures at this age. So after all this fun, we then are supposed to drive 45 minutes back home to drop them w/ my mom, then venture out for another half hour in the car to the reception? Just for a picture?? Thanks, but no thanks.

I felt bad, but I basically told MIL that it wasn't gonna happen, but offered to try a family photo at the rehearsal dinner instead, but she started pouting that SIL wouldn't be in her wedding dress. Then she started saying "You'll have to get your mom to come help at church because I really want a picture with the boys." Yeah, except that my family wasn't invited to the wedding (which has been a source of some drama also), so, while she is happy to babysit, I think it would be rude to ask her to do 90 minutes of driving to chase babies around at a wedding she wasn't invited to in the first place.

Grrr. I'm thinking I'm just gonna have to put my foot down (and DH is totally of the same mind on this) but I'm not being unreasonable right?? I understand MIL is sentimental about pictures, but I thought the rehearsal dinner idea was a decent compromise....plus another SIL wants to get professional photos of the kids and grandkids done for her for Xmas, so it's not like this is her only chance for a family picture. She just sometimes gets ideas in her head about how she wants things to go (usually w/o asking anyone first) and then gets all bent out of shape when it doesn't work out.

So yeah....this a vent more than anything. I'm sure it looks like I'm just making excuses b/c I don't want to drive an extra hour+ and was looking forward to watching the wedding in peace.....so maybe I'm being selfish? Or she's just being unreasonable??

Andrewsgal

Can your mom bring them for pictures? Everyone is happy.

Andrewsgal

I have to say I also agree kids should be at sibling weddings and I think your mil is perfectly justified that she wants them in pictures.

NicoleWI

She's being unreasonable. I am not sure what I would do (tough situation!) but you are totally justified if you just say no.

I can't believe people think you should jump through all these hoops to bring the kids. If MIL wanted this, she should have thought of it from the start, planned for it with your input, and invited your mom. Plus, a family picture with crabby crying kids isn't all that great anyway. And my mom would NOT be happy if put in the same position as your mom (if you were to ask your mom to bring them for the photo).

I think that the RD is a perfectly reasonable compromise, and it's silly to complain that SIL is not in her dress.

Andrewsgal

I am seriously shocked people think asking nieces and nephews to be at weddings is unreasonable. Of course they should be there.

Andrewsgal

Seriously weddings happen ONCE. One day without naps or naps on the go will not hurt anyone. This is weird.

raraavis28

diapersnwipes said:

I suppose I'm confused as to why your kids weren't coming in the first place. Are they invited? If they are I can see why MIL would be annoyed that you are choosing not to bring them/not have them in pictures. She probably envisioned them there all along. Ignore the above if they weren't invited to the wedding

Well technically they weren't....I mean, the invitation was to me and DH, and we RSVPed accordingly. Also, almost as soon as SIL got engaged the talk was about how we were planning to leave the babies home b/c they wouldn't be at a good age for weddings, how we were looking forward to the night out etc. It was literally just this weekend that she changed her mind.

I mean, I understand her feelings, and in a perfect world it would be nice to have them there. Except I know my kids and, while they won't perish from a lack of nap, I know they'd be disruptive and we'd pretty much miss the ceremony. And the odds of them being good for pictures are slim to none. I dunno....my perspective might also be skewed b/c growing up I attended lots of aunts' and uncles' weddings but my little sisters who were under 3 or 4 stayed home every time. No one was upset that a toddler was missing from a picture....it was just understood that a wedding wasn't age appropriate for a squirmy toddler.

As for my mom....I would consider asking her to bring them for pictures, if it didn't entail an hour and a half drive for her. I think that's too much. Also, she and MIL were friends (well she thought they were friends) so the lack of invitation really did hurt her feelings....I don't want to reinforce that in any way.

So that's where I'm coming from....I do appreciate other points....and am glad that some of you agree w/ me too

Andrewsgal

Am I the only one that doesn't consider 45 minutes a long drive?

raraavis28

Andrewsgal said:

Seriously weddings happen ONCE. One day without naps or naps on the go will not hurt anyone. This is weird.

Which is why I'd like to see it!! The boys wouldn't remember....:P

sing4mysavior said:

But if they don't nap, rara is saying they will probably be a disruption and freaking mess to pictures. It's more important to mil to have screaming babies in a picture than not have them? I can see both sides. I don't think it's ridiculous to say no, given the other photo ops around that time and coming up, but it's also not unthinkable to have them there. As long as you and DH are on the same page??

We are. And yes, that's exactly what I was saying. It's not a "my special snowflake needs to nap"......it's "we will miss everything b/c they'll be totally disruptive w/o a nap." Maybe that still makes me terrible

spring_time

Nope, not unreasonable.  I believe you have mentioned before that they do not plan ahead. Their lack of foresight does not then require you (and your mom) to jump through hoops for a photo. The kids were not invited, so this is not a debate about a kid or a no kid wedding.  This is not even about kids being there to witness the wedding of their aunt.   It is about a photo. She has other opportunities for a family photo.

If she has a real bee in her bonnet, she needs to figure out another way to make it happen that does not involve putting multiple people out.  She can pay for them to go to the reception, or hire a sitter to take them back to a hotel room. 

spring_time

diapersnwipes said:

But if they don't nap, rara is saying they will probably be a disruption and freaking mess to pictures. It's more important to mil to have screaming babies in a picture than not have them? I can see both sides. I don't think it's ridiculous to say no, given the other photo ops around that time and coming up, but it's also not unthinkable to have them there. As long as you and DH are on the same page??

Do they not nap in the car? Sounds like there is a long drive. I would pack them up right as they get sleepy and hit the road. I would drive until we need to get to the wedding. Wake them, feed them a snack, snap a few photos. Done! Stay for as much of the ceremony as possible and then take them to the lobby. I personally wouldn't be sad about missing a bit of the ceremony.

But she is supposed to be part of the ceremony. I believe she said she is supposed to bring up the gifts.  However, she isn't sure because they haven't officially told her. Another example of lack of foresight.

lexusolsen

Why don't you just tell MIL that they weren't invited? It's all or nothing that far away.

raraavis28

spring_time said:

diapersnwipes said:

But if they don't nap, rara is saying they will probably be a disruption and freaking mess to pictures. It's more important to mil to have screaming babies in a picture than not have them? I can see both sides. I don't think it's ridiculous to say no, given the other photo ops around that time and coming up, but it's also not unthinkable to have them there. As long as you and DH are on the same page??

Do they not nap in the car? Sounds like there is a long drive. I would pack them up right as they get sleepy and hit the road. I would drive until we need to get to the wedding. Wake them, feed them a snack, snap a few photos. Done! Stay for as much of the ceremony as possible and then take them to the lobby. I personally wouldn't be sad about missing a bit of the ceremony.

But she is supposed to be part of the ceremony. I believe she said she is supposed to bring up the gifts.  However, she isn't sure because they haven't officially told her. Another example of lack of foresight.

Yes....actually the point is moot if we are asked to have a role in the ceremony....maybe we'll get a text from SIL the day before or something? :P The funny thing about all this is that the bride wasn't even present for this conversation, and probably doesn't give a darn whether the boys are there or not....

They don't nap in the car anymore either

raraavis28

diapersnwipes said:

Well that's another thing for her to mention. Tell them you have responsibilities and can't do that and watch the kids. All I'm saying is giving a list of excuses for why the picture can't happen including the wedding is during nap time is going to piss MIL off. It sounds like the OP doesn't think family at a wedding is a big deal. Mil is *now* saying it is. You can basically say screw her and not bring them, you can try to make it work and bring them or you can try to reason with her and point out the flaw in their lack of planning.

Totally makes sense. And yeah, my post is excuse laden.....it was mainly a vent, after all. I didn't mean to sound like I don't think family is important....hell, anyone who knows the history w/ DH and me and his family knows how I do pretty much everything I can to maintain a positive relationship with them, and consider them my family as well. Also my perspective is different; if it were my sister and not SIL getting married, I'd still feel the same and plan to leave the boys with a sitter, so I'm having a hard time seeing why this is all of a sudden such a big deal.

I also agree that rattling off all that could possibly go wrong is not gonna help w/ MIL. I appreciate your advice about how to talk to her about it!

vlagrl29

To bad it's a catholic mass wedding - when we have to play those I always dread it.  I'm kinda with you about why you don't want to take them.  If it were a simple wedding you could take them without too many issues.

Spin313

Team unreasonable MIL...you (or your mom) should not have to go through this hoopla over a photo. If it was important for the kids to be at the wedding, that should have been decided much sooner than a couple weeks before the wedding.

Beth.1212

While I'd probably take my LO (who is about the same age) to an in-law's wedding, my kid is not your kid and your kid is not mine. We all know what pushes our kids' buttons. It sounds like it would be a challenge to bring your LOs given the circumstances, and I don't blame you for leaving them home. MIL will just have to deal with the lack of screaming toddlers in the pictures  

bumpuser924057

No, no, no. This is a bad idea all around. The rehearsal dinner sounds like an excellent compromise for your MIL, and the thought of you adding 1.5 hours of driving in between the ceremony and reception is just bonkers. Make the case that you are really looking forward to a day/evening with adult conversation and visiting with family and you've already arranged for childcare and that's it.

kcisthebombdotcom

I think it's all or nothing. They're either invited to the wedding/reception or they stay home the whole day. I would not make my kids sit through a boring ceremony solely for a picture and force someone to do a 90 minute trek to make it happen.

catycate

It's not th napping that gets me, it's the drive. I do t usually think 45 minutes is too long, but just for a 10 minute picture op, hell no.

yanakimou

We actually had a similar situation at my wedding. My SIL had twins just under 2, she brought them for pictures but her mother was there to help her wrangle them and took them after pictures. Their 4 year old was our flower girl and she stayed the whole time. We would have been fine with my SIL leaving my twin nieces at home if that had been better for her (they were invited to the whole thing), but she wanted them there for pictures. They definitely melted down a few times and most of our family pictures have one or both crying or hiding their faces in her neck and my SIL was in flip flops because she couldn't chase them in her shoes. Overall the pictures turned out great and the most important thing was that it gives us candid photos from that moment in time.  

If you could get those types of photos at the rehearsal dinner like PP said, then I think that is a good compromise, especially if they weren't really invited to the reception.

MomIn2013

I like AG's idea: Can your parents (or anyone else in your family/whoever you were going to have babysit?) bring them for the pictures, then take them back home after?

Andrewsgal

To be fair my suggestion was made when I assumed the kids had been invited.

MomIn2013

O.k., I saw that her family wasn't invited, didn't notice that she said the kids were't invited either. If they weren't, then yes, I'd likely be irritated and use the "well, the kids weren't invited, so we've made childcare arrangements" excuse. If she pushes it, I think it would be up to her DH to put his foot down with his mother.

I'm one of those that considers kids part of the family for weddings, though, so I would absolutely understand wanting the kids in some pictures. My niece and 8-month old nephew were in our family wedding pictures, and I'm so glad they are, as it made for some really cute pictures. Of course I invited not only my brother's kids but also all of my cousins and all of their kids as well.

Andrewsgal

Who doesn't invite their nephews to weddings? We had a no kid wedding but my 4 year old niece was there.

notkateanymore

Andrewsgal said:

I have to say I also agree kids should be at sibling weddings and I think your mil is perfectly justified that she wants them in pictures.

If they weren't invited, they shouldn't be there. OP, no way in hell would I do it.

outnumbered

raraavis28 said:

diapersnwipes said:

I suppose I'm confused as to why your kids weren't coming in the first place. Are they invited? If they are I can see why MIL would be annoyed that you are choosing not to bring them/not have them in pictures. She probably envisioned them there all along. Ignore the above if they weren't invited to the wedding

Well technically they weren't....I mean, the invitation was to me and DH, and we RSVPed accordingly. Also, almost as soon as SIL got engaged the talk was about how we were planning to leave the babies home b/c they wouldn't be at a good age for weddings, how we were looking forward to the night out etc. It was literally just this weekend that she changed her mind.

Stuck in box...Were they not invited because she assumed that you did not want them there?  It sounds like you did not want to bring them from the beginning so invitation was not extended to them.  

ETA:  I think the rehearsal dinner pictures sound like a great comprimise.  

blessed2585

I am sorry that things are so stressful, I will keep you in my prayers!

Arnegard

Okay, instead of all the driving I would totally get a room for your Mom in the town the wedding is at and she can take them after pics, after the reception, whatever!

Aussie45

Am I just in the minority here? I didn't care who was there, if they had other plans or who was in the family pictures even kids. If they wanted to bring the kids, fine. If they didn't, fine.

Then again, I barely remember my wedding since that day was such a chaotic blur. I was so happy to be done with it and just get to actually being married.

OP, I wouldn't bring them. Toddlers are hard to entertain anyways. To make your mom drive them down, just for a picture? Pfft.

MesmrEwe

Andrewsgal said:

Am I the only one that doesn't consider 45 minutes a long drive?

No...  Everything around here is "30 minutes" away and oftentimes it's buffer an extra 15 just to be safe...

IMO, suck it up and have your Mom bring the kids. Chances are good they'll nap in the car most of the ride. As SAHM's we treat the nap as sacred, more sacred than the wedding ceremony. This is one of those times you suck it up and deal. My SIL made it a habit to have her kids' birthday parties in the middle of nap time. Even when they all were at the same DCP with the same nap times, party goes from 1-4... Sometimes one just needs to take a deep breath, suck it up, and roll with it... Also, not everyone reads Emily Post for etiquette, I've had several family weddings that the invite was only addressed to the Mom/Dad then when discussing it they asked why the kids weren't coming and they just assumed people thought "and family" if they got invited and started to spread word that kids were in fact invited. It's the old "better to ask and confirm" deal...

notkateanymore

iheartthe80s said:

blessed2585 said:

I am sorry that things are so stressful, I will keep you in my prayers!

Wait, what?

So random.

Check out her history...very similar responses everywhere.