Not 3T related vent advice requested

Champs28

So I have a SIL. And she's a diagnosable narcissist. I'm serious. Everything this chick does is self centered. On my last birthday she faked an "anxiety attack" (she's never had anxiety before) and refused to come out for dinner instead insisting on staying at MY house to nap. All to avoid a meal where she's not the center of attention. She never has friends for more than a few months and never a relationship. Her entire family are enablers of this crap.

I had surgery in June and the bitch never visited or called. She texted once. She calls H all the time (too much if you ask me) and rambles on about herself never asking about him or me. Her mom told her about why I needed surgery and she STILL tries to talk about baby names and all that shit with me every chance she gets. Real sensitive.

My question- what do I do to stop getting so stressed and mad? She does somrttingn terrible to slight us at least once a month, I mean like really not nice things. How do I let go of this hatred? I'm stuck with this bitch forever.....

Chasity08

Just because she is your SIL doesn't mean she has the right to be awful. Depending on the relationship you have, either yourself, or your DH, tells SIL that she is being insensitive and self centered and that until she can grow up you will be distancing yourself from her for your own sake. Tell her that you hope that she can find happiness that will allow her to stop being so hateful towards you and your family so that someday you can rebuild a relationship with her.

And then you don't talk to her again until she grows up and does all of those things. You're not asking her to perform brain surgery...you're asking her to be a decent human being. Family or not...if someone is going to be a complete dick to me and my family, I cut them out, and let them know why, and let them know that I really hope someday we can have a relationship, but it's on them to do so. If they really want to be a part of your life they will make an effort to be a nicer person.

But I'm kind of a beotch...sooooooo.....

theholmanherd

My dad is a jackass a lot of the time (even so far as emotional abuse), so I finally cut him out of my life. He's welcome back once he recognizes his behavior, apologizes, and makes genuine attempts to change, but not before then. I don't know how feasible it is to completely cut her off (you'll probably still see her), but you can stop responding to her and delete messages before you even read them. If your DH is on board, you can have him do the same. It will certainly carry more weight if both of you cut her off, but you can at least do your part of it if DH isn't on board. At least maybe he can cut back how often he will answer her calls. This is all made more effective if you talk to her or write her a letter beforehand, detailing why you feel the way you do. I hope you find a solution soon.

Champs28

melisconizzle said:

Sorry if this sounds insensitive, but it might help if you start to think of her behavior as a mental illness. People who are genuinely and consistently often have emotional and mental instabilities that make them unable to relate to others and show concern or empathy for others. She might not really be able to control how she is without professional help. Either way just continue to try and not let it get to you (easier said than done)

I agree with you! I'm actually a psychotherapist myself. The problem with narcissists is that they don't acknowledge they have a problem and very rarely consent to treatment. Not to mention that many therapists refuse to treat them due to limited efficacy and downright difficult patients.

Thanks everyone for your insights I try to keep her at arms length but H always answers her calls and never calls her on her shit. I guess lifelong habits are hard to break. He acknowledges that she's an asshole but says "she's never gonna change". I need to just not let her get to me

BunnyBerry

I agree with @melisconizzle, I have family members with mental illness and I learned as a teen that the only way to love them is to see their behaviors as a mental illness that traps them and have compassion - then take care of myself as needed just as I would avoid infection from someone with an infectious dissease. And although I agree with other PPs that the "right" thing for yourself would be to cut her off, I know that wouldn't be possible in my own family and would probably just add more fuel to the drama, especially if the parents are enabling her behavior.

Perhaps choosing some behavioral modification strategies that provide enough of her needs but then gently extricate yourself from her when she goes past your boundaries, and avoid giving attention for negative behaviors.

As far as her getting "anxiety" instead of come to your birthday, I'd like to reframe it, "Thank goodness, I was hoping to have my birthday without that crazy girl in my life and she gave me the perfect solution. Although she got some dramatic attention at the start of the evening, in the end I win because she's home alone and I'm having a great night."

I'm sorry you have to deal with her and her pure meanness in talking to you about baby stuff. Maybe next time, since she loves attention, you can turn it around to her future kids...if anyone ever puts up with her long enough to impregnate her.