How to help birthmom

CarolinaGirl2014

It seems a few people have been placed with LO's lately and I'd really like to share things you can do to ease the grief and put some joy in the life of your LO's birthmoms. I think the world of you all, and want to help you and your birth families as much as you have helped me. SO:

1. Lots of pics, esp. of LO. Fam pics are nice sometimes to see how happy everyone is, but I like mostly pics of LO because it gives me joy to stare into her face.

2. As detailed updates as you can handle. I love knowing her sleep schedule, what she's eating, how her health is, and what milestones she's reaching. It helps me feel like I'm not missing everything.

3. A memento. A's Mom gave me a locket with her initials monogrammed on the back. It was discreet so I could avoid questions, but I had a piece of her with me everywhere I went. I love it even now. She also got me an engraved picture frame with a pic of A, which I love. I recommend the locket above any other gift. Doesn't have to be expensive or fancy, either. But I would have never been able to afford even a cheap locket and wouldn't have something like that for myself.

4. Thank her. Let her know if you're grateful for her, and why. A lot of the pain of being a birthmom is the guilt of feeling like a burden. She'll hopefully thank you for giving her LO everything.

5. Sometimes, space. Sometimes, contact hurts too much. Sometimes we need a bit of space to get ourselves back together. Please don't get angry or give up on her. Keep doing what you normally do, and in time she'll hopefully come around. It's so important for her to know that's it's OK to have space and that the door will still be open when she's ready.

6. Patience and forgiveness. I know this is very hard on you, too. She knows and respects that, but sometimes being a birthmom takes every bit of your being and you don't have much left over for everyone else. She may say or do things to offend you, so please know that it's not intentional. She'll probably realize it later and beat herself up for it. Doesn't mean you can't lovingly say something, but patience is so huge. I want to do nothing but love and support and help A's Mom, but I know quite often I HAVE been a burden to her and have said things not realizing they would hurt. She's done the same, and I've used all the patience I could to work through it and get to the fantastic place we're in now.

That's all for now. I'd LOVE if you'd care to share things birthmoms can do for adoptive families! As always, feel free to comment or PM with questions!

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blessed2585

Thanks for sharing, this is some great information. I plan to adopt some day.

annalisel

Thank you. This is very timely for us as we are trying to establish a good relationship right now.

Wish Upon A Star

Thank you for the tips! I hope I have the opportunity to use them.

jenbabe

The one thing I think birthmoms can do is keep open communication about the adoption. With our first I was so afraid to bring up the topic but at the hospital they talked about how and why they chose us and it really helped. This time birth mom is good at sharing how she feels and saying that its hard but she knows she can't keep him. It eases my mind that she can tell me she is heartbroken and we can talk openly about what she needs from us. And I've told her how I cried all the way home with our first adoption because even though I was excited it broke my heart to see how heartbroken our sons birth mom was. I don't just get attached to the babies, I really get attached to our birthmoms too. Talking about how we're feeling and what its going to feel like in the future seems to be good for everyone.

leisemomtobe

These are wonderful tips and I hope to use them one day with my LO. Thank you for giving us AP's insight.

CarolinaGirl2014

I like pics via text now- it makes everything feel so much more normal and me much less like an outsider or intruder. After the first month I liked occasional pictures via text because it makes my day to look down at a pic of that beautiful girl, but the bulk via snapfish to really pour over them and not be overwhelmed with emotion. Sometimes it was hard to feel "normal" again only to have a text throw me back into the pain, but that may have been because I struggled so hard with my relationship with A's mom for a few months and the texts weren't often good.

Short answer: texts are great here and there, email or something like snapfish for the bulk.