In Laws have made me so mad

zoe2711 · August 2014

My husband's family are from SA. His brother contacted him to see if we could fly over in Oct for the wedding. We said yes, bit disappointing as we planned to go to Thailand in Sep with my parents and brother to meet my new nephew and niece for the first time. Then I see on FB that OH brother's fiancée has said they're not getting married on April 4!! WTF! My due date is Feb 19 and that I can go 2 weeks over, but he just thinks I can get on with things by myself! I hate him right now!!

Mrs.EvilQueen · August 2014

Yikes!. Thats no good! If they know youre pregnant, and due in February, I'm sure they factored in the possibility of you not making it? Maybe your husband could go for only a few days, and your mom or someone could stay with you for those days to help out?

aggiebug · August 2014

Eh they don't have to change their wedding date to fit you and your growing family. I bet they didn't even think that time frame would be a huge issue especially if they don't have kids. You will be probably a month post partum at that time so you will still be sleep deprived but in a routine so it's very doable. (they could have said march 4th)

Have you thought about going? (I have no reference point as to where you live in relation) It may be rough but I bet his family would enjoy seeing the baby and provide a lot of help. If not ask your family to come over and help. In the grand scheme it will be just fine.

And as for Oct they can ask but you can say no. I get it's a wedding and I probably would have made the same decision but they asked if that would work. That is a very nice gesture in my book. And does SA mean San Antonio? I mean I know it costs money to fly but it's not like a weekend trip to SA had to impact your Thiland trip in September.

You have a right to be frustrated but try to step back and see things from their perspective. These families are excited and ready to start their lives together and want to share it with family. You will always be connected to these people so don't start hating them, it won't make life fun.

zoe2711 · August 2014

Hi, SA means South Africa, meaning I would have to chase around to get new baby a passport. It's the fact they asked us to come in October and then book April without even making contact I find really rude.

There is also some history here of DH pushing back our wedding date eight months without even consulting me as his family said that's the soonest they could come. Curiously they still found the money to pay half their daughters mortgage off in the meantime. They also kicked off about my brother visiting while we are there at Christmas - we're flying there 3-4 months beforehand...

Tbh, it just feels like a sneaky way to get us to bring the baby over without it costing them anything. It's always feels like they're angling to make things happen their way. I'm not happy to travel in a plane full of people with an unvaccinated newborn, I'm sure some people would criticise me from flying long haul at seven months as it is...

aggiebug · August 2014

See south africa makes a difference but I had no way of guessing that sorry. I wouldn't go with the baby. Ohio is one thing over seas is another at that age.

I think it is time you have a discussion without dh and tell him your concerns. His family is far away and will always put pressure on you to make plans. Shoot mine are in the same country and drop hits to DH weekly. The difference is we say no frequently so they ask but don't expectbus to say yes just because they want us to. If you set up boundaries it works a lot better. Sorry you can't go in April because of the baby. They might get upset at first but they will learn.

I feel like you DH always bending for them set up this situation. Why not ask since you will probably do it? Stil think it's not worth being mad just encourage you H to say no. He has that power.

zoe2711 · August 2014

Lol, I forgot SA probably had a different meaning for you guys. We haven't even properly talked it out yet, he's steaming mad that I said I wasn't happy about him just assuming I'd suck it up.

Allegedly, there is absolutely no availability to get married any later [cough, Whatever!]. I have emailed two places in South Africa to check if they have any free dates... The crazy lady hormones are most definitely in play!!

delaneykai · August 2014

Yikes! Yeah, flying to internationally with a baby that will most likely be less than 2 months old probably isn't a good idea. While I do get that they can have their wedding whenever they want to, they could have at least called you to let you know of the date change. I hope that you're able to talk to DH about it soon. I traveled 3 hours north with my DD when she was 5 weeks old b/c I was the matron of honor in my bff's wedding and I know THAT was tough- can't even imagine flying internationally with a baby that age!

zoe2711 · August 2014

Just to be clear, I really don't expect them to plan their wedding around me, even though we did that for them. I sense some grandparental pressure on their plans which is the thing that bugs me..

AF9211 · August 2014

It was nice of you to take DH's family into consideration by pushing your wedding date back and it sucks that they're not reciprocating that consideration...even though they don't HAVE to, I'd still be a little upset too.

And I wouldn't be traveling with a newborn either. I'm not sure how long of a trip it is from the UK to South Africa, but I wouldn't want to travel with a newborn in a car let alone a plane.

I'd express this to your husband and try and get him to understand your point of view.

Ducktale · August 2014

So don't go. I agree with whoever said they don't really need to consult you when they plan their wedding. It's not the end if the world.

You emailed other places in South Africa to see if they had availability? That sounds a little crazy...

And your husband changed your wedding date without asking you? That also seems crazy.

I feel like there's either a whole lot of crazy going on and/or there's lot more history you're not telling us. I'm withholding judgement on who's the bad guys in this story.

mandamoochie · August 2014

A baby potentially 1 month old. Yeah, no way I'd be traveling internationally, sorry not sorry. I'd see my in laws 6 months after or so...

jennjilljo · August 2014

I'm on team stay home. Traveling with a baby is hell but traveling to South Africa with a newborn sounds worse and a little bit dangerous (I worry about illness a lot). It sounds like there's a lot of history there but I can understand being stuck between 2 families who want to fight over seeing they baby. I always try to be firm and rational about things and have DH stand with me. It's hard to break a united front. GL.

mommy5point0 · August 2014

As someone who is consistently rubbed wrong by one inlaw or another at a time (either my IL's or DH's lol), I say this with empathy... But seriously, to hell with international travel with a newborn. Don't go. That's ridiculous no matter their motive.

mishka29 · August 2014

How long is the flight? Just think...recycled air for that long. Not worth it. They make their choices and you make yours. Stop calling places. I'm sure you are right that there are dates available after april but how are you going to confront them with the info...you'll look nuts!

CatLadyTX · August 2014

You emailed other venues to check availability? That is not your place, or any of your business. If that is when they decided to have their wedding, then you need to put on your big girl panties and accept their decision.

Do I recommend traveling with a newborn? No. If you really don't like their decision or their motives behind making the decision, then don't go. You have the perfect reason for staying home, traveling with an unvaccinated toddler is not recommended. Our pediatrician was very clear on that when we asked about when we could visit family with DS.

TBH, I know it seems overwhelming but once you have a routine down managing a few days with a newborn isn't that bad. If your husband can go for just a few days and come right back home, you can handle the baby. Just remember to take some deep breaths and ask friends and family for help.

Beth.1212 · August 2014

I love CatLady's point about the pediatrician. Do you have a pediatrician yet? They're the perfect "cover."

If you ask your pedi if you should take your 1 month old to South Africa, I'm 99% sure they'll say no. Ask them why. Then relay that info to DH. (Even better if DH can be a part of that conversation.) From then on, any family member that objects can be met with "I'm so sorry that I'll be missing the wedding, but our doctor advised us not to take LO on an international trip at such a young age. We just can't go against his recommendations on this one." Or if they're argumentative, "We have to keep LO at home, doctor's orders."

It's a bit early, but if you don't have a pedi, most are willing to do an initial interview while you're pregnant. You could pick one or two that you'd likely want to use, do your interview on the early side, and ask about the travel then.

zoe2711 · August 2014

Thanks guys for your input. Vented last night to friend and had it out with OH last night. I completely get why he feels he should be there, but their selfishness still niggles. I won't be taking bubba or going, but I guess I just needed to hear from OH that he won't be going if me or bubba really can't be left.

And I can email all the wedding venues I want if I think they're lying, but obviously I'd only report back to OH, lol! Thanks again, it's hard adjusting to another's family dynamics, especially when they don't play by their own rules.

zoe2711 · August 2014

Something awesome has just occurred to me - I can have an amazing week eating whatever I like, stay in my pjs and have a DVD marathon! Plus my husband owes me big time hahhaha!

AF9211 · August 2014

@zoe2711 can I ask what the O stands for when you say "OH?" I'm assuming the H stands for your husband. Just curious!

MrsTucker2011 · September 2014

zoe2711 said:
Thanks guys for your input. Vented last night to friend and had it out with OH last night. I completely get why he feels he should be there, but their selfishness still niggles. I won't be taking bubba or going, but I guess I just needed to hear from OH that he won't be going if me or bubba really can't be left.

And I can email all the wedding venues I want if I think they're lying, but obviously I'd only report back to OH, lol! Thanks again, it's hard adjusting to another's family dynamics, especially when they don't play by their own rules.

Why would you email the wedding venues? That's just weird. All that matters is if you say yes or no. Them lying won't change the fact of when you can't fly out there.

zoe2711 · September 2014

It's about trust Mrs T. We're going to be in each other's lives for a long time. Anyway I'm over it now.

AF9211, OH is "other half".

aggiebug · September 2014

zoe2711 said:
It's about trust Mrs T. We're going to be in each other's lives for a long time. Anyway I'm over it now.

AF9211, OH is "other half".

I found that statement quite hypocritical. If I found out you were looking up venues behind my back you would lose a lot of respect and trust in my eyes.

bbillig · September 2014

It sounds like you have a prettty bad case of "I want everything to go my way" other people have lives and schedules and to be honest as harsh as it may sound, they the likely weren't sitting around thinking about what they might have told you and when yoh might have your baby. It sounds like you just want to be able to tell your husband what to do just so that you can say "well I said this" it sound controlling and petty. Why in the world would you email wedding venues?? I used to be like this when I first was married, when it came to things regarding my In laws and I would say to my husband "you're not going to that" and after a while how ridiculous it was and that a marriage it two adults who are allowed to do things they want within reason.... You are having a baby and can't travel internationally with a newborn, but you will be fine if your husband goes; so if he wants to, then let him go. Would you really feel better if you forced him into not going? Relax and worry about having a healthy pregnany and let go of all the "in law drama" it's petty and immature and it's a pretty fast way to ruin a marriage

zoe2711 · September 2014

Thanks for that. I'm not controlling and my marriage is going just fine, just for the record. We all have our run ins and crazy time. Everything's settled down as you would see, if you read the rest of the thread, you'd realise I'd made my peace with it and am looking forward to a week of eating my favourite things, ooh maybe I am controlling

!

ghostof5letters · September 2014

zoe2711 said:

My husband's family are from SA. His brother contacted him to see if we could fly over in Oct for the wedding. We said yes, bit disappointing as we planned to go to Thailand in Sep with my parents and brother to meet my new nephew and niece for the first time. Then I see on FB that OH brother's fiancée has said they're not getting married on April 4!! WTF! My due date is Feb 19 and that I can go 2 weeks over, but he just thinks I can get on with things by myself! I hate him right now!!

zoe2711 said:

Hi, SA means South Africa, meaning I would have to chase around to get new baby a passport. It's the fact they asked us to come in October and then book April without even making contact I find really rude. There is also some history here of DH pushing back our wedding date eight months without even consulting me as his family said that's the soonest they could come. Curiously they still found the money to pay half their daughters mortgage off in the meantime. They also kicked off about my brother visiting while we are there at Christmas - we're flying there 3-4 months beforehand... Tbh, it just feels like a sneaky way to get us to bring the baby over without it costing them anything. It's always feels like they're angling to make things happen their way. I'm not happy to travel in a plane full of people with an unvaccinated newborn, I'm sure some people would criticise me from flying long haul at seven months as it is...

zoe2711 said:

Lol, I forgot SA probably had a different meaning for you guys. We haven't even properly talked it out yet, he's steaming mad that I said I wasn't happy about him just assuming I'd suck it up. Allegedly, there is absolutely no availability to get married any later [cough, Whatever!]. I have emailed two places in South Africa to check if they have any free dates... The crazy lady hormones are most definitely in play!!

bbillig · September 2014

Sounds like you might be that crazy in law. Maybe they moved it so they he w they wouldn't have to deal with you

natsgirl12 · September 2014

zoe2711 said:
Thanks for that. I'm not controlling and my marriage is going just fine, just for the record. We all have our run ins and crazy time. Everything's settled down as you would see, if you read the rest of the thread, you'd realise I'd made my peace with it and am looking forward to a week of eating my favourite things, ooh maybe I am controlling !

Sorry people are being so harsh and judgemental. I get being upset at your in laws, especially with your history (having to delay your own wedding because of them). Definitely a tough situation. I'm glad venting helped you calm down and move on. I even get the idea of looking into the wedding venues to confirm they are lying (because, like you said, it was just for your own knowledge and you aren't going to tell them you know). Everyone has their crazy moments...especially when we are as hormonal as we are. Ignore the harsh comments. Glad to hear you're not stressing anymore.

zoe2711 · September 2014

Thanks natsgirl12

I guess we can't all be perfect huh? So funny, I put a video on FB of hubbie playing a silly drinking game after the last cricket game on the season and his mum rang him at work today to say he's bringing the family name into disrepute! Good to know the phone lines are working haha

MrsTucker2011 · September 2014

I wasn't being harsh. I work in the wedding industry, and if someone called me about a client, I wouldn't give them any info. Depending on how pushy the person was, I might even let my client know someone was trying to get involved. How would you feel if the venue let them know? You say it's about trust, but you're giving them a reason to not trust YOU.

natsgirl12 · September 2014

MrsTucker2011 said:
I wasn't being harsh. I work in the wedding industry, and if someone called me about a client, I wouldn't give them any info. Depending on how pushy the person was, I might even let my client know someone was trying to get involved. How would you feel if the venue let them know? You say it's about trust, but you're giving them a reason to not trust YOU.

Who said that she asked about the actual client? She said she emailed other venues checking for availability to confirm / deny the claim that there was no availability at any other times. I'm guessing she made no mention of the clients' names in her inquiry. She wouldn't need to.

erobbins09 · September 2014

Called wedding venues? Yikes

zoe2711 · September 2014

Chill out! I made a general enquiry, I wouldn't dream of asking about them and their booking. It's done with as I keep saying, seems the pregnant hormones are running high all over!