Not sure if anyone else has been in this position before?

lmtrmama

Hello,

I usually post in the blended families section, but right now I feel like I have very few people who I can trust and I need any answers/support that I can get.  My 5 year old daughter's father has been in and out of her life, but we usually always had a good "friendship".  We went to court in 2010 and he was given visitation on Wednesday's and every other weekend, which he never used.  I have strong suspicions that his parents pushed him to be a father.  He went to rehab earlier this year and then left after about a week.  After that, he decided he was going to start seeing our daughter once a week.  At first she was fine, then she started not wanting to go.  It escalated and escalated until we were at a point where we would pull into his driveway and she would beg to turn around and drive away.  

I had no idea what to do.  I tried talking to him, and he seemed just as dumbfounded as I was.  My daughter is so friendly.  She would literally go off with anyone at the drop of a hat.  I had strong suspicions that he was still having drug and alcohol problems and thought maybe she was picking up on that.  Then I thought maybe he is just not a fun person to be around.  Then last week I sat down with her to talk about why she was getting so upset, and she disclosed sexual abuse.  

I felt sick, but tried to stay calm.  I wanted to see if she would bring it up again and if the story would be consistent.  She did and it was.  I called child services and filed a police report.  The social worker was at our house this week for an interview.  The detective called me.  Her dad's family hired a lawyer for him.  We have mutual friends who I have not given any information to who called me and said that everyone just thinks I invented this.  The social worker said that since there is no physical evidence, there is a chance that NOTHING will happen.  She said that even if it goes to trial, usually there are no charges and if the person has a lawyer, they usually get off.  Then she told me that if I try to take it to DR court, the judge is not likely to take away visitation.  

I am sorry this is so long.  I feel like I can't trust anyone.  I have my fiance and my mom.  I am pregnant with my second child and due any day.  I am not out with a pitchfork trying to send her father to jail.  I don't care if he goes to jail at all, I just see the truth now and I want my daughter to be protected. I want to feel a sense of security, and I want her to feel safe.  After she told the doctor what happened, she said "Mommy, I am so happy that I am helping myself."  Has anyone else gone through this?  I feel helpless.  The thought of this just being swept under the rug and her being forced to continue to visit with him makes me feel absolutely terrified.  Sorry again for so long of a post. 

Sunflowermommy33

I don't know how to respond other then to say I am so sorry you and your daughter have to go through this. Did you speak with him about it?

freeatlast2014

Do you have a lawyer? I would request supervised visitation if they don't take it away all together. Have you talked to the prosecutor? Are they pressing charges? Are there any domestic violence organizations where you live that maybe you could talk to about this? Some times they will assign an advocate for free.
Wow. I don't even know what to say. Have you been keeping her home?
I can tell you that I myself suffered through this and when my stepdad found out that I knew what he was doing was wrong (he read my diary and then made me rip it up in pieces and flush it down the toilet) he stopped what he was doing. Over 10 years later I told my mom. She believed me and left him. But we never pursued any legal actions against him so I don't know that piece of it.
Oh another thought, can you get her into counseling? Maybe their professional opinion can also help you with the judge.
Wow. So so sorry.

lmtrmama

Thank you both for the support.  I have a lawyer who I can ask questions to and I also was connected with a retired investigator for help.  We will find out in a couple of weeks if charges will be pressed.  At this point, I just am grateful that she is safe at home and getting into counseling.  Thank you again.

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lmtrmama

What ended up happening with your friend's daughter?  At first, I thought that what she said was POSSIBLY untrue.  But then I realized that the act that she was describing was in vivid detail and NOTHING that she would know on her own.  I have a meeting with a lawyer this week.  So much stress.

Monkeybird84

I'm so sorry that you and your daughter have to go through that. I have no experience with that kind of situation, though, so I can only offer my sympathy.

20thirteen

Oh god! I am so sorry to hear about this, this is the worst. Is what she's describing to you sound like an act that would leave some kind of evidence?  I feel sick just asking that, oh my god, I'm so sorry.

But I also agree with becwheat:

becwheat said:

I think you should fight as hard as you can to get him put away. There will be people who go not believe you or your dd, but in the long run you will want to tell her you did ALL you can to protect her. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is a big shock and will take time to get through. Don't give up.

Don't ever give up. She needs you in her corner fighting for as long as you can fight. 

freeatlast2014 said:

I would request supervised visitation if they don't take it away all together. 

This too.  If they don't put that piece of shit in jail, fight for this.

What about his parents?  I saw they didn't believe it and got him a lawyer, do they see your daughter?  If so, are you planning on restricting visits with them because of this?  

I ask that because I know @becwheat has a special visitation agreement with her XILs, but she was married to that guy.  I allow my BD's parents to see my DD but I don't have to since BD and I were never married and technically, they can't prove they have rights unless BD proves he's the father.

bananafanafofashley

Don't stop fighting. CPS are freaking useless, but your lawyers can help. Get to the bottom of it. Ps even if it IS untrue, you need to do everything you can to keep her safe until you find that out for sure, so don't feel bad about keeping her home. Good luck to you.

lmtrmama

Luckily CPS said that I do not have to send her on visits...and neither he or any of his family members have asked for anything.  I do not think there will be any physical evidence.  I am very glad for that, but it makes things a lot easier for him to get away with .  Right now I am just impatiently waiting for the interview so I can see what the next steps for our family are.

20thirteen

When is the interview?  Would you keep us posted?  Keeping you in my thoughts...

lmtrmama

The interview is next Friday the 12th.  I will keep you posted.  Thank you for the kind thoughts.  I want it to be over so that we can move on and she can heal!  

absmama

i can't even imagine.  i am so sorry. my heart breaks for you.  i hope he gets what he deserves and you and your sweet daughter can begin to heal.

AOBtahoe

No advice, just very, very sorry for you and your daughter and best of luck!