when to call

somewierd_person

So I'm really heartbroken to even be considering this but I know a little girl who is being mistreated. I don't know how far it's really gotten and I love everyone involved even the aggressor. The girl is four years old and the parent has done things like hair grabbing and screaming at her, for things I consider mild behavior. I believe this to be the result of frustration, low self esteem, lack of motivation to be a parent, and ignorance on the part of the parent. I'm going to get myself involved regardless I cannot stand by with that on my conscience, but my dilemma is guaging how open/able to change this person is. The general issues are either neglectful parenting or when she acts out to get attention she gets anger and inappropriate punishments. Does anyone have experience confronting this sort of parenting or has anyone involved cps with someone they knew? I'm going to do something about it but I just wanted some strategies or tips. TIA

SandFHasse

I haven't confronted it, but I have called cps. CPS should investigate and they will be able to help the parent and the child. You can be an anonymous caller. When I called they did ask for my information in case they needed me for a hearing.

Rebis58

That poor girl. It's incredibly brave of you to get involved and try to help protect the child - I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you given that you clearly care about all individuals involved. Abusers (I know you called him/her the "aggressor" not "abuser" but bottom line is that this is abuse) are not always inherently bad people. They may have been abused themselves or have mental health issues that make coping with stress incredibly difficult. This doesn't excuse abuse in any way, I just wanted to say that I understand why you are feeling pain for both the child and the abuser, although obviously the child is the priority (and it was made very clear in your OP that you feel this way as well).

One thing that jumps out at me: Assuming you've seen the hair pulling and screaming, if the abuser will do this in front of you, what are they doing in private? It may be much worse than you are aware. 

Another thought I had for your decision making around how/when to approach this. I can understand wanting to approach the abuser and discuss it with them, in the hopes that he/she will make efforts to change behaviour, as this is someone you care about. Personally, I wouldn't go that route and would report directly to CPS for a couple reasons. 

1) If you decide to call CPS after discussing with the abuser, you can technically remain anonymous but it's likely the abuser will know  (or assume) it was you and will likely end the relationship, at best, or get violent, at worst

2) If the abuser does not take action to change behaviour, he/she might instead try to make a greater effort to hide the behaviour and possibly coach the child as to what to say/not say if CPS comes (not sure if this is a legitimate concern - I'm not a social worker and have no experience, but it popped into my head as a possibility)

Thoughts are with you in this difficult situation. Thank you for protecting the child, it sounds like she really needs a strong adult to put her first!

somewierd_person

Thank you, for your input. I appreciate your honesty, this is someone in my family so I'm really weighing my approach so that I am confident that the end result will be positive for the child. For the record I have no issue with being the "bad" guy or anyone knowing that I made the call. I am even willing to offer her a home with me if it's necessary. My gut tells me that her (single) parent is oblivious to the issues and sees this as the only discipline they can manage. I do feel they are capable of being a much better and healthy parent if intervention is taken. I'm lucky that I'm not the only one who sees a problem and wants to do something about it, I'm just the first to speak out, so to speak.

Rebis58

somewierd_person said:

Thank you, for your input. I appreciate your honesty, this is someone in my family so I'm really weighing my approach so that I am confident that the end result will be positive for the child. For the record I have no issue with being the "bad" guy or anyone knowing that I made the call. I am even willing to offer her a home with me if it's necessary. My gut tells me that her (single) parent is oblivious to the issues and sees this as the only discipline they can manage. I do feel they are capable of being a much better and healthy parent if intervention is taken. I'm lucky that I'm not the only one who sees a problem and wants to do something about it, I'm just the first to speak out, so to speak.

**STUCK IN QUOTE BOX**

That is promising and I hope your instinct is correct. I'm in Canada but I don't think our Ministry is much different than CPS in that it's rare for children to be taken out of their homes (a social worker friend of mine actually told me she felt at times that it's TOO hard to have children removed in cases where it was clear abuse was occurring, but that's a separate issue). They really do try to offer supports, parenting classes, etc. to avoid children going into the system.

The child is lucky to have a family member who is willing not only to go to bat for her but also to take her in, if needed. And, actually, the parent is lucky to have you too. Even if he/she doesn't recognize it at first, whatever action you choose to take will either keep their child safe or help them become a better parent (ETA: or both). I hope they see that. Good for you.

bensmommy518

Call now. Leave it up to CPS to investigate and determine level of intervention. They really do try to keep families intact and can be a tremendous help to families in need of assistance and education who want to change but don't have to tools ( It sounds like this may be your relative).

I agree with PP that just because you have only seen X or Y doesn't mean Z isn't happening behind closed doors. I am a mandated reporter and always tell people if you are asking if you should call then you should call. It is not your job to determine if abuse is happening or what type of abuse is happening, that is their job. Your job is simply to tell them this is a concern I have that would warrent someone following up on it.

somewierd_person

Definitely not assuming the behavior we witnessed is all of it. Spoke with the allies in the family today and we are making the call. Thank you ladies for the support, your comments just helped solidify my decision. I appreciate it