Middle Name(s) drama....

APRILMW

Anyone else struggling with agreeing on middle names?!

DH & I just can't come to an agreement on middle names for the girls.

He wants to honor his mom. The twins will be our 2nd/3rd and the 5th / 6th grandchild. He feels bad that between him & his brother no one has "stepped up to the plate" to honor his mom.

I get it. His dad was honored by his brother for 1 of their children. But that's the extent of the "family honoring" on his side. We had discussed middle name as James if a boy to honor his dad AND my grandpa. BUT, we're having girls.

So, first names are Rylee & Madison. I thought we decided to continue with middle name as James for one. But, he keeps bringing his moms middle name back to surface. I strongly dislike her 1st & middle name (Susan Jean) I just can't bring myself to "compromise" on one of our children's names. I don't like it.


Am I being absurd?! I'm trying to delicately say no each time, but tonight was more firm.

I'm at a loss.

cls78

Jean is way better middle name for a girl then James.

My MIL middle name is Jean, but right now we are only discussing first names.

You baby is not going to be going by a middle name, so I don't really think it is a big deal as long as it flows nice with the first and last name.

I like Rylee Jean together. HTH!

persephonerose

Could you use her Last name or Maiden name for a middle name?

carrotcake06

All of my kids have family names for middle names. I'm not particularly fond of H's maternal grandfather's name (George), but he was important to H. So we used it. And I'm glad we did.

I'd be more open if he feels strongly. But I do like PP suggestion using a maiden name.

I'm just not one that really cares too much about how a name flows, or a how a sibset sounds. I wasn't even given a middle name when I was born.

SV917

Girls names are hard. As a PP suggested, what about her maiden name? H's name is my mom's maiden name. Fortunately, it's not Chinese tradition to name children after relatives, so we didn't have to worry about reciprocating with a name from my husband's family. For middle names, we just did my last name for both of them.

What about a variation of her name? Jeanne, Jenna, Susanna? 

minirella

I think it is a nice gesture to use family names as middle names.

I would say that you pick one of the girls middle name and let him choose the other.

cls78

I agree with @minirella‌ that you each pick a middle name. Were you planning to honor your mom or a family member?

APRILMW

Maybe I am biased, because I have a middle name I've always disliked, so picking a name that I don't like myself to name one of my daughters just doesn't sit well with me.

For last name to be middle wouldn't work as that's our last name & the maiden last name DH (and I) can't stand.

APRILMW

And, no I wasn't planning on really honoring anyone in particular.

Interesting answers! A lot to think about. I have a hard time thinking about just letting a name be used for sake of appealing to others. Especially since I just don't like the names.

cls78

I still think you need to compromise on this one. How often do you really use a MN?

I wish you all the luck deciding. You got a lot of great advice here, but the final decision is yours and your husbands to make.

Rynleigh

As a female who grew up with what most Americans hear as a male name (for both my first and middle names), I would also be wary of using "James" as a middle name for a girl. Not my child, but something to consider. It's all personal taste, of course, but you can't assume that your child will have the same tastes you do - that's precisely what you're trying to get away from, isn't it? The frustration you had over disliking the middle name your parents gave you even though they liked it? 

lc&jw

Rynleigh said:

As a female who grew up with what most Americans hear as a male name (for both my first and middle names), I would also be wary of using "James" as a middle name for a girl. Not my child, but something to consider. It's all personal taste, of course, but you can't assume that your child will have the same tastes you do - that's precisely what you're trying to get away from, isn't it? The frustration you had over disliking the middle name your parents gave you even though they liked it? 

I have to agree here about using James as a middle name for a girl, especially since the names you're considering could be unisex. With the middle name James, people who see your LO's name in writing only will likely be expecting her to be a boy, which could feel very awkward and annoying to her over time.

As far as what to do about middle names, there are no easy answers. I also had a middle name dilemma. DH as adamant about wanting to continue his family tradition of no middle names for the boys in his family only (I found this sexist), and I really wanted to honor the memory of my grandmother for our little girl. It felt very strange to name our twins differently (one with a middle name and the other without), but we made the decisions for a reason and I knew it was very important to DH. It was a HUGE compromise on my part not to give our son a middle name. I'm generally glad I made the compromise, even though it feels somewhat sexist and inconsistent, and if my kids ever question me about it later, I'm going to just direct all questions to their dad! :P

Sometimes in a marriage you make decisions because it's important to make your spouse happy and show that you care. Other times it's important to stay true to your own feelings and hope that your spouse understands and supports you. There are no easy answers. Try to imagine how you might feel about this 5, 10, or 20 years from now depending on which decision you choose. Good luck!

APRILMW

Thank you all for your input! A lot to consider & really think about.

I can see the double "boy" names as being tough on a girl potentially down the line.

Gonna pray on this & we'll see!

persephonerose

I would never compromise on a name.  I hate the argument that you (general you) never use the middle name.

When ever you fill out a form you put down your middle name. When you are doing these forms for your child you do not want to have to cringe or be ticked off that you settled on a name.  If someone says oh that is a pretty name, whats her middle name? You do not want to be reluctant to say it.

Find a name you and DH both love.

persephonerose

Perhaps you could use a name variation of Susan or Jean. Or even the meaning of Susan which is Lily.

minirella

I have a unisex name; however, the spelling is typically used by males. I've always paired it with my middle name (Ann).

When I go places, they don't know to pair it with my middle name and most expect a male (I've even had a physician refuse to see me saying I was not the patient and they called my OB office to in fact confirm I was female).

As far as official paperwork, I find that it is 50/50 whether they ask for middle name or initial. Unless the person/business knows me, I'm assumed male. I'm 33 and I still encounter problems. The only good thing is that I can sort out junk mail and solicitors easily because they will be addressed/ask to speak to a Mr.

I know a little girl with the middle name of James. It's never been an issue but she has a traditional old-fashioned unmistakable girls name.

APRILMW

@persephonerose‌ LOVE the suggestion of meaning of Susan = Lily!!! I'll bring it up with DH.

I would disagree that it's darn near impossible to not compromise on a name. We didn't compromise on 1st daughters name, and in selection of the first names for this pregnancy if one or other didn't like a name, we crossed it off.

persephonerose

AshB62 said:

APRILMW said:

@persephonerose‌ LOVE the suggestion of meaning of Susan = Lily!!! I'll bring it up with DH. I would disagree that it's darn near impossible to not compromise on a name. We didn't compromise on 1st daughters name, and in selection of the first names for this pregnancy if one or other didn't like a name, we crossed it off.

And this is kind of what I'm saying. If you LOVE a name and your DH doesn't like it, you cross it off. You're not using a name you love, that's a compromise.

I guess I should have phrased it differently. I refuse to just give in to a name because it makes DH happy if it means me being unhappy. 

bumpuser924057

I'm no help, because I think Rylee Sue is a pretty cute name.

CNYBride05

If you change your attitude, it might be easier. You aren't "compromising" your children's names, you are honoring a family member. It's not like her name is something horrible, offensive, or impossible to spell or pronounce. I think you need to be more respectful to your husband and his family. Additionally, the names are likely to grow on you - it's your daughters after all.

sasky

CNYBride05 said:

If you change your attitude, it might be easier. You aren't "compromising" your children's names, you are honoring a family member. It's not like her name is something horrible, offensive, or impossible to spell or pronounce. I think you need to be more respectful to your husband and his family. Additionally, the names are likely to grow on you - it's your daughters after all.

Not to be harsh, but I tend to agree with this. I think it's sweet that he wants to honor his mom.

APRILMW

sasky said:

CNYBride05 said:

If you change your attitude, it might be easier. You aren't "compromising" your children's names, you are honoring a family member. It's not like her name is something horrible, offensive, or impossible to spell or pronounce. I think you need to be more respectful to your husband and his family. Additionally, the names are likely to grow on you - it's your daughters after all.

Not to be harsh, but I tend to agree with this. I think it's sweet that he wants to honor his mom.

I appreciate the input. I should have mentioned the "why" behind my strong dislike for names "Susan/sue and Jean". As a child, my great grandma, Betty-Sue Jean, watched me. She was awful to me. Forced me to sit at dinner table for 3 hrs, I'd get sick and she'd make me clean it up, verbal abuse/yelling - these are my youngest memories - at age 5.

I appreciate he wants to honor his mom. But, when I say I don't like the names (and he knows why) I think it should be a moot point. Especially when things are said such as, "we may not like name, but financially it would benefit us".

I offered the meaning of Susan "Lily" as an option. That's as far as I'll go.

CNYBride05

Does your husband know about your abusive grandmother?

APRILMW

CNYBride05 said:

Does your husband know about your abusive grandmother?

Yes. Which is why I get so frustrated when this keeps resurfacing.

ktibbits1

@APRILMW I've been following this thread, and while in the beginning I was definitely more on the side of letting your husband honor his mother, after hearing your backstory I can totally understand where you're coming from.  I'm sorry those names have such negative memories for you and it would be unfair to be constantly reminded of it every time you look at your sweet daughters.  Especially if his reasoning is benefitting financially, not quite the sweet sentiment of truly "honoring" his mother.