Keep wondering if I should stop working for now

tmsb827

The pregnancy has not been bad at all compared to other ones I've heard about, but the one thing is my appetite has not been great and I have been exhausted and not sleeping well at all so it just leaves me feeling weak most of the time. I keep trying to work on those issues and sticking it out through work. Since I work from home as a freelancer, I feel like work is the most flexible it will ever get, though they do expect full-time availability. 

H has been wanting me to leave the client for a while (I have 1 major client that I work with on a daily basis). The pregnancy has coincided with a lot of changes within the company that have been very stressful for me and the rest of the team in my group and others sometimes mention how they're tearing their hair out or are about to cry over these changes which include shorter deadlines and completely new supervisors who are not fluent in English and since we are all writers, there has been a lot of clashing and time wasting and disagreements. I have had typically 5 hours of sleep every day this past week and we get pressured a lot to work on weekends when there is too much work, they always threaten to bring on new people and to possibly remove others but they say this literally every few weeks and it is bad for morale. Last night they told us everyone needed to take on even more work but I just ignored it because I couldn't realistically do it.

I keep thinking that since I am struggling with depression, once I get that addressed work will be a lot more manageable. But since the change in my shift (due to our new supervisors being overseas), everything has been kind of downhill and I am always stressed out. It is common for people to leave when they cannot handle the full-time work and to come back sometimes a few months later if their circumstances have changed. So I think sometimes that I should just tell them that with my pregnancy, I cannot handle it. I'm also getting pregnancy brain and my focus hasn't been good and that maybe later on I would like to return if at all possible. And since I write for them, that is really important. But then I think that there are people in the group who are in the 3rd trimester and can do it, so I should be able to. Before the shift changes I was able to handle things and really enjoyed what I was doing, but lately I am just going to bed at 2 and getting up at 7 or 8 and wake up feeling miserable. I also haven't really had time for H including the weekends and that frustrates him.

Technically, H and I could afford it if it was just him working as he already brings in most of the money. We would have just enough saved if we had a tiny emergency but then if I stopped working that money might go as well. But I don't want to put even more stress on him and I am afraid that maybe not working might exacerbate the depression. We have no debt but I do not want to be lazy and sometimes in my head it sounds like just because I decided to have a baby it doesn't mean I can't work. H doesn't really understand as almost everyone in his family has been a stay at home mom and relied on one income, while in my family everyone works. He thinks I should really get all the rest I can get before the baby comes. Everyone tells me to not push myself too hard but I don't even do as much work as I used to before the pregnancy, I am only doing the minimum. My family is always asking if I still work and if we have enough money and I don't want to be in a position where we would need the help if I could technically push myself to work. 

tmsb827

I haven't mentioned anything to the client, I am kind of afraid they will not react well but of course that's just an assumption. I keep telling myself I will tell them what's going on and every week I never do. Every week they stress that they cannot keep anyone who cannot work under full-time constraints including the occasional weekend work. I have worked while on vacation too and I know that I haven't really been present for H in a long time and we have been having significant issues that we are trying hard to work on before baby comes. It is difficult to set time aside.

We can afford to have me not work. And even if we are thrown a financial curveball, I believe we will manage but you never know. 

If I do decide to leave for now, I will just go back to doing a lot of housework, just nothing too strenuous but I did used to cook every day and make H lunch for work during my 3 month stretch of not working and I know H misses that. The irony of working as a freelancer and working at home is that while there is more flexibility, the fact that you can always technically work can also lead to you basically never being available to others even though you're not at an office. This client though, is unusual in that most companies do not expect their freelancers to be available full-time without a contract. H manages freelances at his current job and he says that as a manger and as a former freelancer, what my client does is unheard of to him. They get pretty upset if you are not free almost every day.

While the commute for my old office job was plain awful, the job itself was simple and did not require much thinking or skill, just organization and promptness. I'm just afraid to pull the trigger because I second guess myself a lot.

tmsb827

I guess my main point that I intended to make though, is that I am unsure if I should just leave now before my work really suffers and they decide I don't even have the option of coming back later on. That is my big fear, that I will inevitably mess up so badly that they feel like they have no choice but to let me go. Almost every week (and others have expressed this too) I wonder if it's the week that they'll catch on that I've been all over the place to the point where I am fired. But, what if the client months from now decides to take on a completely new and different group of people or if the current managers leave and I am left without a way back in? Then if I left I will have wasted time not making some extra money. 

It's sad but this whole past week I was so all over the place that I kept getting lost in my own neighborhood and making wrong turns and forgetting where places are. And then yesterday I was doing work and kept putting everything in the wrong pages. So I corrected it only to realize that was also the wrong page. That happened one more time before I got it right and my brain is scaring me a bit >.<

jennypolkadots

Based on everything, it sounds like you need to step back and breathe a while. 

I understand the concern of depression getting worse if you are not working. I think you need to get out of the house. A part time job or volunteering could be great. You need to interact positively with other people and feel good about yourself. Take a class, or go to the gym. You could work/volunteer as a tutor for writing at a local college, or maybe help people with resumes. I am not sure what type of writing you do so this is just an idea. I would not recommend just staying home every single day doing housework. That doesn't work for a lot of people, myself included. I would go nuts, even if I was working from home as well. I am already nervous about the idea of the 6 weeks after our baby arrives that I will be working a little from home. DH will be taking off 4 weeks so that helps and when I go back I only work short days and the baby can come in with me some days... still, I hate the idea of just being at home. I have 3 pets for good company but it is so boring and isolating for me. I did it for a while working from home during college. I was getting out to go to classes but I felt really depressed during that time. Some people just aren't meant to stay home and there is nothing wrong with that.

tmsb827

Working from home has its ups and downs, I don't think I fall far on either side of the spectrum.

In the event that I have no work, my back-up plan was to try to get into tutoring for writing and piano as well as do some magazine writing and news reporting when I can since with those gigs, you basically work as much as you want to or depending on how many story ideas you have. I also used to volunteer but stopped going when I couldn't balance it with what I'm doing now but I do miss the interaction. I just feel guilty because the gig I have now is a steady one but I feel like my body needs something with part-time hours instead. 

happyseeker

Hi there, friend.  Sorry your job is so stressful, especially when you need to be taking care of yourself with your precious one coming soon! The decision to quit working is one only you and hubs can make, but it sounds like you're both in agreement. You might want to call Focus (855-771-4357) to ask the advice of their great family counselors. All the best to you and a big hug!

PS  Do you have a name picked out yet? 

HappySeeker

tmsb827

I guess small emergency is a matter of opinion. For us that is 2-3k which we currently have. From what I understand, we will have to pay a max of 2k for hospital expenses. If we keep saving the way we have been, then we should have 5-6k by the time the baby comes. For me, I want a minimum saved to afford hospital expenses and a deposit for another apartment in case we need to unexpectedly leave. It is kind of hard to guess what you think you'll need though - there doesn't seem to really be any exact way to calculate for unforeseen emergencies.

Because H has been asking me for months now to drop this client, we have gone over a lot of ways we could save more money including letting go of some subscriptions and memberships once the year is up, as well as downsizing apartments.

I'm going to bring this up at my next therapy session I guess - because I think how I balance work is one of H's big issues with me lately. 

I understand that many women work through their whole pregnancies and do a lot more than I do. For some reason that has been a source of guilt for me. I don't even want to mention to my doctor that I've been exhausted but I know I should. My other doctor (high risk) said that there is nothing a pregnant woman can't do besides scuba dive and something else that I can't remember. My SIL hasn't been working at all for her pregnancy (we are due around the same date) yet I feel like if others can push through it, why can't I? 

Baby's name will probably be Silvia Cristina. Middle name is still up for debate but we do like it.

Bigboneded

I say tell the client you are pregnant and new demands are too taxing, give them availability you think reasonable, they dont like it... you are still okay, cause you wont lose your house anyway. But you have got to take care of you. Ask your OB what "light duty" might look like for you, like uninterrupted breaks 2 or 3x a day, no more than 8 hours availability? May not matter since you are freelance/contract, but a doctor's note could help.
Bottom line is this job doesn't care about you nearly as much as you care about it, so stop killing yourself to meet the impossible demands.

Maebb

The very minimum that I would be comfortable with as an emergency fund is enough for 6 months of living expenses, which for us is in the $18 - $24K range.

Of course do what you and your H are comfortable doing, but my opinion is that you're not in a financial position to stop working unless there are other ways you can cut back. Could you find a different freelance job? Or could you find another full-time job that is closer to home? I would probably not talk to your current employer about it unless you have another job lined up, but I wouldn't want to keep working there with the current conditions if I were you.