Because... (A bit of an AW post - loss mentioned)

meredithcarole

Please skip if you are having a bad day:




I was really inspired reading the thread on plans for October 15th the other day. I, like many of you, would like to participate and "out" myself on Facebook.

In thinking on it the past two days I have realized that my biggest motivation to participate is to provide support for others. One of my sorority sisters from college had posted the "I am one in four" logo a couple years running and because she was "out" I knew who to turn to when my world shattered. She, in turn, pointed me here and you ladies have been the rock I have clung to for the past 5 (almost 6) months. I want others to know that this has happened to me because I do not want any woman going through this to feel alone. I loved Eurydice's poem, and I thought I should also put my thoughts on paper. I wanted to share it with you because not everyone is into creative writing and I thought maybe it would help someone else articulate their experience:


Because some day, though I sincerely hope not, you may find your world crumbling beneath your feet
And in the quiet aftermath you will look desperately around for someone to hold onto.

Because statistics are just numbers and numbers are meaningless
Unless the number is you

Because you are told to keep it a secret - 12 weeks,
Like some sacred ritual that will allow you to exchange silence for security

Because even though deep in your soul you fear it,
You never really think you will hear the words "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat."

Because the love of your life sees your physical pain and your emotional anguish
And is helpless, like all others, to stop it from happening

Because those who do know will try to be there for you,
But after a while they will wonder why you're not quite over it - you see they haven't actually been there

Because you will watch others rejoice and you will feel
Your heart break anew every time because it reminds you what you lost

Because hopes and dreams can begin in an instant

Because the raw feeling of profound sadness will bring you to your knees

Because sometimes out of nowhere there is a reminder

Because everything is different afterward
Even though everything is remarkably the same

Because I want you to have somewhere to turn and someone lean on
And I want you to know that there are others who have walked this path before you

Because I am one in four.

ETA: typos.  Thanks for the editorial help!

buggirl72

Thank you for sharing and I'm glad you feel more comfortable with outing yourself on FB. Your friend is a wonderful example of why it is so important to be open about this aspect of our lives.
Just a quick FYI, you did not need to put a warning in your title or thread. We are a loss board so it's kind of a given that loss is part of the conversations that occur here. Heck, if we had to put a warning every time loss was mentioned then our board name would be ***warning loss mentioned Trying to Conceive After a Loss***

Poppy715

Really beautiful words @meredithcarole I'm so gald you've found encouragement and love here. Hearing others stories can make us so brave and strong. We have each other and there are so many other women that have gone through this journey. ((hugs))

Km380

Thank you for sharing this, it brought tears to my eyes. But in a good way, in a way that makes me feel not alone. I hope that makes sense.

MrsKush1014

I absolutely love these words you have written. It is all so very true. It broke my heart to find out that I knew so many who had lost in silence. Thanks, Meredith, for sharing.

jms627

@meredithcarole - This is beautiful.  It really articulates so many of the feelings that I (and I'm sure many of the ladies here) have had.

littlecookie

This is really beautiful. Thank you very much for sharing.

MSU_Girl1202

Wow, this is so beautiful. Every word of it is true. Crying after reading this.

mrsjg2013

Thank you for sharing   Beautiful words, so sad, but so very true.

Elliecat17

That is absolutely gorgeous! Thank you for writing this!

jjbmstinco

So talented and very inspiring!  Everything you wrote fits me, and many of us I am sure, perfectly. 

sunflwra

Love this- thanks for sharing!

alleycat39

Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful writing- it is an inspiration to many.

matiekae

Thank you for sharing, so beautiful.

beemaya83

I love it!

LittleMrsW

Thank you for sharing this. 

stinybean

You wrote so eloquently the feelings of so many of us. Thank you for sharing!

kate6214

Thank you for sharing this. I'm in tears here. This articulate everything I have felt over the last year.

meredithcarole

buggirl72 said:

Thank you for sharing and I'm glad you feel more comfortable with outing yourself on FB. Your friend is a wonderful example of why it is so important to be open about this aspect of our lives.
Just a quick FYI, you did not need to put a warning in your title or thread. We are a loss board so it's kind of a given that loss is part of the conversations that occur here. Heck, if we had to put a warning every time loss was mentioned then our board name would be ***warning loss mentioned Trying to Conceive After a Loss***

Lol. You're right, I just didn't want anyone to get blindsided and end up "ugly crying" without sufficient warning (I am hoping @Amybunny30‌ at least kind of knew what she was getting into).

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It was cathartic to put pen to paper (so to speak) since I have been struggling a lot recently. I am really glad it speaks to so many of you as well.

ctk181

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

CreechMommy

Love it. While I was reading it I felt like someone was reading my mind!! So true! Every single word!!

alm288

That's really lovely. Thank you for sharing!

uromys

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I too have been wanting to out myself of Facebook. Of all my friends I am the only one, that I know of, who has had a miscarriage. Though I have felt alone through this whole process I desperately want to reach out so no one else I know has to. Its been reassuring to know that there are woman out there who have gone through the same thing I have. This board has been a blessing for my emotional wellbeing. I wish that no one else would ever have to experience this, but if they do I'd hate for them to feel alone. Thank you again for sharing these beautiful words.

Lesliem0901

Wow...I'm blown away. Thank you for sharing.

Belle0720

Thanks for sharing, definitely brought a tear to my eye.

mflowers929

Beautiful. I definitely cried reading this.

I didn't know there was a day for loss, but I think I might out myself. I had thought about doing it on Fathers day (wishing a happy father's day to MH), but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate.

Just one little thing (because I'm a bit anal about it, I'm sorry >.<), you wrote "sole" where it should have been "soul"

tlc35

That was really beautiful.  Thanks for sharing.  It definitely made me cry.  Do you mind if I share it?

meredithcarole

mflowers929 said:

Beautiful. I definitely cried reading this.

I didn't know there was a day for loss, but I think I might out myself. I had thought about doing it on Fathers day (wishing a happy father's day to MH), but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate.

Just one little thing (because I'm a bit anal about it, I'm sorry >.<), you wrote "sole" where it should have been "soul"

Ooo, thanks.  DH tried to play editor, but he just pissed me off (he was hung up on punctuation - I was like, seriously, it's a poem not a short story.  I don't think normal punctuation rules apply - though I am not a poet).

meredithcarole

tlc35 said:

That was really beautiful.  Thanks for sharing.  It definitely made me cry.  Do you mind if I share it?

@tlc35 No, I don't mind at all.  Please feel free to share it.  You may want to include the correction from @mflowers929, though

mflowers929

meredithcarole said:

mflowers929 said:

Beautiful. I definitely cried reading this.

I didn't know there was a day for loss, but I think I might out myself. I had thought about doing it on Fathers day (wishing a happy father's day to MH), but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate.

Just one little thing (because I'm a bit anal about it, I'm sorry >.<), you wrote "sole" where it should have been "soul"

Ooo, thanks.  DH tried to play editor, but he just pissed me off (he was hung up on punctuation - I was like, seriously, it's a poem not a short story.  I don't think normal punctuation rules apply - though I am not a poet).

Lol, NP. MH is French, so he has me play editor for him all the time. I guess it's just kind of habit now for me to read through something with an eye for "oopses". Other than that, it looks fine to me. As you said, punctuation rules don't exactly apply the same way for poems.

cabriolina

You captured how I feel to a tea...and I began to cry out loud Monday I too found out after my first IVF cycle that I have miscarried...I was 6 weeks and so excited to hear the heartbeat with my husband on Monday and all my fears came true...happy one day devastated the next...Thought I would treat myself to a mani/pedi and the lady says to me (innocently bc I'm sure she didn't mean it to be rude) "so when are you going to have kids?" I held in my tears and said outloud for the first time "I just recently had a miscarriage " I felt myself facing the realization that it did happen...first time it felt real to me bc I've been feeling I was in a dream state and in a cloud these past couple days. When I left I was bawling in the car ride home.

meredithcarole

@cabriolina‌ I am sorry for your loss. There is a lot of support on this board. If you are feeling up to it perhaps post an intro on either the Newbie Check-in or the main board. Welcome.