Don't know what to do with my 4 yo DS

umma4babes

Sorry in advance for the length of this post.
My DS just turned 4 last week. I'm feeling a bit lost and frustrated as to how to parent him. He is a relatively well behaved child, I mean he has his moments with meltdowns and what not but overall I can't complain. However, it's like pulling teeth to get him to participate in anything. He has been attending the same daycare since 10 weeks old, and while he has made some close friendships in the past it seems like he is never super excited about his friends at daycare. For example, we started attending more birthday parties this year. It takes so much effort to get him to do anything at the parties. He just clings onto me, doesn't eat, whines. A majority of kids at the parties are the same ones he sees almost daily at school. When I ask him about his day, he tells me about who he played with, who was mean to him etc. it does seem like he gets along with most kids and they do seem to like him. But he gets stand offish. I had a meeting with his teacher and she assured me that he and other kids play together well but he is more like an "observer," meaning that he might stand and watch for a bit before joining. I have also tried having play dates with kids outside of his daycare but didn't mesh well with any of them. He will go along and play with them for a while, but often gets bored. They seem more excited about him than he is about them. He has no problem making new friends on the playground. He will approach strangers on his own and play with them just fine. But any structured activity, he doesn't want to participate or interact. Swimming class, karate class, all disastrous because he wants to leave after 10 minutes. Bowling night as a family, nature walks (he does love outdoors) left everyone miserable. I should mention that I'm dragging my 7 month old DD to all these activities, who loves napping in her own crib and crawling all over the floor yet she's confined to the stroller or my arms for hours.
So here comes my main question - should I stop trying to do these activities with him for a while? I mean, it's so unfair to DD too, especially if nobody is having a good time. Our days basically revolve around on what "might" be fun for him. But then he's always asking where we are going on days I'm home with the kids (I work 3x a week and he goes to preschool those days). So we go out and try to do something and it's the same misery unless we go to a grocery store and he gets a toy (he gets one at the end of the trip if he behaves). I'm so exhausted and frustrated whenever we go out to do something. I don't know what to do, I'd appreciate any advice. Thank you for listening.

Eta: clarification - most of the activities are initiated by DS. I would never push him to go/do anything unless he expressed his interest in doing so. For example, he gets invitations for birthdays and I only take him to parties he wants to go to. There were some he said he didn't want to, and we didn't go. Karate thing too - we passed by the dojo and he wanted to try. I guess my issue is he wants to try new activities, which I'm more than happy to accommodate but he ends up just not wanting to do it once there. And poor DD has to tag along whether she likes it or not! Also, he gets upset if I tell him it's a "home day" and we will do crafts and go to a local playground. I'm just lost as to what would be the best way to guide him.

umma4babes

Thank you @ScoutNumbers05‌ - i totally get what you mean. My problem is that DS does seem excited about the birthdays etc and says he wants to go. I have a hard time saying no to him when he seems really excited about something.

SpaceGirlSpiff

Sounds like this is just who he is... don't push so hard, as PP said.  Not everyone is into so much activity or big gatherings, not everyone is a social butterfly... it can be overwhelming for some personalities and anxiety inducing. (it is for me sometimes!)

Just try to follow his cues.  This really does just sound to me like his personality...there's nothing with it...just who he is!

MissyC979

My 4.5 year old can be like that often too. He gets really shy in certain situations, even though he's friendly and chatty one on one and when he feels comfortable. DH and I are both on the shy side, so I guess it's not too surprising. I try to give him opportunities or we'll talk out how to approach something (e.g., when he starts being really shy at drop off) to help him build some confidence. Other than that, I have to keep remembering not to push my own issues with shyness onto him and just let him be himself.

lrn327

THis sounds a lot like my son too!  He's excited about everything but gets nervous and shy.  We try to reign in the number of things we do, but do find we need to sort of stick with something awhile before he gets used to it.  I'd say slow down and just pick one fun activity to stick with (one sport, one class, whatever) and do that for a while.  Don't just drop the moment he says he doesn't want to do it, tell him we are sticking with it for X number of weeks and then see how we feel about it. And as far as joining in with other kids, my also approaches slowly, but is well-liked by his peers too.  It's okay, it's great in fact!

umma4babes

@mamabear329 no not harsh at all! I am guilty of pushing him sometimes when everyone is waiting on him to start the activity. If it is not a situation where he's holding up the group, I let him be.
@lrn327‌ - thank you, that's exactly what I was struggling with - sticking with something when he seems unhappy at the activity.