Vent: Bad IF weekend (BFP mentioned, not mine)

wanderlust508

So yesterday sucked.  My mom begged me and DH to come to a party with her and my dad.  It was for her best friend's daughter's graduation (she just finished a Masters in psychology).  Against my better judgement, I agreed to go.  I really didn't want to.  My mom's best friend's daughter in law is pregnant and would of course be there.  I didn't want to subject myself to that.  Asking about her pregnancy.  Getting asked constantly by all my mom's friends if it was my turn yet.  Even though I really didn't want to, we went.  Indian mother guilt (similar to Jewish mother guilt) doesn't work nearly as well on me as it did when I was a kid ....but this time it did.  

DH and I picked up my parents and drove together to the party.  I wore a loose fitting dress but still worried that people would think I was pregnant (because of my abdominal bloating from the fibroids).  I posted last week about my new surgery plan.  I'm no longer doing the laparotomy at the end of the week.  I got a 2nd opinion - now I'll be doing Lupron injections for 2 months (to start as soon as AF arrives) and then get the laparoscopic surgery done after the fibroids shrink with the Lupron.  My mom let it be known that she didn't agree with my plan.  Her comments got under my skin SO much!!  "I don't like that you're putting this surgery off."  "What if these fibroids are cancerous?  And if you put off the surgery that will delay the diagnosis."  "How do you know this medication will even work to shrink your fibroids?"  "I had a vertical incision for both my C-sections and I was walking around and doing everything after 3 weeks."  Ugh!!!  DH got pissed on my behalf and defended my decision (better than I did ....I have a hard time standing up for myself to my mom).  And the worst part is ....she had me doubting my own decision for a while.  I HATE how my mom has this sort of power over me ....she can be all negative about something I choose to do and without fail I think "Is she right ....?"  Of course I knew after thinking it over later that I made the best decision for myself.  But still it pisses me off that she can make me 2nd guess my self.  She always does this!  

I got to the party and started making my rounds with DH, mingling with people.  There was nobody there that I was really that close to so it was a bit uncomfortable.  Even though I grew up with most of the people there, they were always pretty cliquey and never made me feel welcome.  I saw mom's best friend's daughter inlaw and made polite chit chat about her pregnancy (I didn't bring it up but she was chatting about it to me so I felt like I had to ask follow up questions).  There is 1 particular girl among the "clique" group who I CANNOT stand.  She was always a bitch to me growing up.  I tried being friendly with her but she would just make me feel stupid everytime ...so I stopped trying.  DH used to be friends with her before we met (and still is casually friendly with her).  And coincidentally, she asked my DH to her Sadie Hawkins dance back in high school (and he went with her as a friend).  Now suddenly she is much nicer to me since she found out I was dating my now DH.  Anyways, I saw her walking around the party talking to people with a hand on her stomach the whole time.  And I just knew.  FUCK!  I didn't say anything to DH about it but I walked with him when he went to go say hello to her.  She didn't waste anytime letting him know that she and her hubby were "preparing for a little one to arrive soon."  And then I hated myself for putting on a fake cheerful voice and saying "Really?!  OMG that's wonderful!  Congratulations!"  After we moved on from our conversation with her, I kinda watched out of the corner of my eye as she walked around talking to people.  ALWAYS with that hand on her belly.  And another on her back when she would get up from a sitting position.  Fucking attention whore drama queen.  BITCH, you're only 8 weeks pregnant!  

I hated every minute of being at that party.  DH gave me a hard time for not being social enough (but apologized immediately when I reacted defensively).  My mom came to apologize to me for how she reacted about my surgery saying "I'm your mom ...even when you're 50 I will worry about you and want the best for you." This made me feel better initially but then when she saw me grabbing a glass of wine she came up to me and whispered "I really think you should stop drinking if you're serious about getting pregnant. It's your choice but if I think you should just cut it out."  I can't do that mom!  Because if I didn't have alcohol to help me deal with all the stressors in my life (IF, pregnant women parading their pregnancies at every social event, YOU), then I'd probably be in a mental institution.  But you never say all those things to an Indian mom.  That would surely invite a hurt expression and a "What did I do wrong?  I sacrificed everything for you and this is the way you talk to me??"  So I smiled, told her that I would think about quitting alcohol at some point but not just yet ...and poured myself just a little more wine.  

UGHHH ....so glad that's over with.  Hopefully on to a better week.  

daydreamernyc

Wow that sounds like a tough event to make it through. Just wanted to say that opting for the less invasive surgery is the right decision. (Don't mean the offend anyone else). I've had 2 laparoscopic surgeries done and the healing time is so short. Waiting an extra 2 months is worth it. Just offering a bit of support to feel good about your decision. 

And boo to all the tummy-holding, back-crunching, barely pregnant ladies. That is being dramatic!

lebradford

Ugh. That sounds absolutely horrible. I think you're very strong for attending and staying. Honestly, I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your mom about offering unsolicited advice. (I say as I offer unsolicited advice....) I know it's hard, but it might be for the better.

Champs28

Wine. Chocolate. Chick flick. Repeat.

meld42

I'm sorry you had to deal with that! That sounds awful.

And what an AW that one girl is... 8 weeks pregnant and acting like she's about to pop. I would've been so tempted make a passive aggressive comment about the hands on the back/tummy. "You must be having SUCH a rough pregnancy to feel this way at only 8 weeks!" But, I'm a bitch

wanderlust508

Thanks for the support ladies.  

@daydreamernyc - Thank you!  It helps to be reminded that the end goal is to get this surgery done laparoscopically which will have a much quicker recovery than a traditional surgery.  That is well worth a 2 month wait!  

@lebradford - I've always had a hard time standing up to my mom or expressing my needs to her.  She has a tendency to make me feel guilty when I do!  But you're right, she does need to know at some point.  She wants me to attend her best friend's daughter-inlaw's baby shower with her.  I absolutely will not go to that and I think I'll use that as an opportunity to express how hard this IF stuff really is for me.  Thanks!

@Champs28 - Sounds good to me!    DH and I watched a comedy last night (The Neighbors with Seth Rogen).  It wasn't the best but it still helped to watch something light that made me laugh.  Took my mind off the negative emotions from Saturday.

@kkeglar and @LSantay - Thank you!  It is always hard to make it through an event like that with a smile on my face (and it always feels like I'm working so hard to fake it).  But I agree, hopefully I won't be seeing those people ....at least for the rest of the year.  

@Buttmonkey34 - Seriously!  I agree about announcing before 12 weeks.  This girl has always been so hungry for attention though that she probably just wanted 4 more weeks of being doted on.  

@LLM100811 - Thank you!  I think it's about time that I am more honest with my mom about how her comments affect me.  

@angelina2404 - Thanks!  I feel much better now about following my gut.  But in the moment it was just frustrating that she even had that ability to make me 2nd guess myself.  Moms tend to do that to us, even after we're fully grown adults making our own decisions.  So annoying!

@meld42 - Now I wish I could go back in time and say that to her!    J/K but seriously that would've been awesome.  

 

shirleymaeby

I'm so sorry you had such a rough weekend!

I seriously cannot stand the women that sit there with their hands on their stomachs for 9 straight months.  There's a girl at work who sits like this at 12 weeks and she isn't even showing yet.  

I'm with you @buttmonkey34, every time I hear a woman announce before 12 weeks I cringe.

dominicandreamer

So sorry you had such a bad weekend.  Don't let people, even us sometimes get into your head.  Your health decisions have to be best for you and you alone.  It sounds like you're making the best decision possible and I still wish you nothing but the best.  

In the meantime, keep pouring yourself wine.