Weird to not have a baby shower? — The Bump
2nd Trimester

Weird to not have a baby shower?

Im contemplating no baby shower..partly bc its so damn stressful, my mom makes everything so complicated and drove me insane with my bridal shower.  Im 4 months along and its already starting.  She means well but I can't take the stress, she can be really negative and often I wind up planning the entire thing.  Honestly, I really don't like being the center of attention and I moved so I would need to travel 4 hours and lug everything back home anyway.  My husband and I are waiting to find out what we are having so we only want the bare minimum which in some cases is quite costly (car seats, strollers, etc) so I feel bad asking people for big ticket items like that.  My thought was to have a small lunch with only the women I am close to in my immediate family (mom, mother in law, sisters in law, a few cousins, no more than 10 ladies) with no gifts, just a nice time together and maybe have a larger party for the baptism with men and women later on.  More low-key, baby is center stage, not me, no opening gifts.  Is that totally weird/make me a crappy person to not have one?  My husband worries Ill "miss out" but says I should do what I want.  Is anyone else thinking of no shower?    

Re: Weird to not have a baby shower?

  • I didn't have a baby shower. If you don't want one then decline any offers. It's not that big of a deal.
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  • I'm in the no shower camp. I'm not interested in it and am perfectly fine with purchasing everything myself. I also have gotten the "you'll be missing out" line, but I'm honestly not sure what that means. A baby shower isn't high on my list when it comes this pregnancy.
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  • I have never had a traditional baby shower and currently pregnant with #4.  My circumstances are different mostly due to distance though. In fact, my parents have never seen me pregnant.  But to answer your question, I do not feel like I've missed out.  Showers are great for celebrating new motherhood but often times they come across as materialistic.  I really am put off by baby registries. Babies really do not need much at all. DH and I have been fortunate in that we have been able to buy everything ourselves and I feel that should be the case with anyone planning a family.  We have always gotten gifts from close friends and family after baby is born but these gifts were not from a registry.  Just small tokens to celebrate our new family member.  That's my two cents. 
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  • It's somewhat regional, but where I am, it's bad etiquette to plan or host your own shower.

    If someone (other than your mom) offers to plan and host it, I do think that would be nice, but otherwise I think it's ok to not have a shower.
  • I did not want a shower because I hate being the center of attention and we had the means to purchase everything; however, I was thrown one. For my husband's family, it is more about getting family together. I did not open the gifts, my niece and 2 of my husband's cousin's daughters were there and they took turns opening the gifts (and they were excited about it).

     

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  • We're in the no shower group too. Part of it is due to the fact we don't live anywhere near family or friends. The other reason is because, like you, I hate being the center of attention. (I also hate baby shower games in general.) We are fortunate enough to be able to purchase our big items on our own. If family wants to pitch in and help they can, but we aren't expecting it. I feel bad asking people to buy our baby stuff.
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  • With my first, I had a baby shower planned by my mother in law but ended up unexpectedly having my DD the same day as my shower (she was 6 weeks premature). When DD was about a month old my mom, sister, and my husband's family got together and that was my "baby shower". The only reason I think I would have one this time is to get together with my friends since they didn't get the chance to come to my first one. 

    It's totally up to you. I don't think it's weird to not have a shower. If it's going to be more stressful than fun, I'd say skip it and just get together at a restaurant with close family like you suggested.
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  • I never did. My SIL threw me a bit of a surprise 'meet the baby' party (with just close family) after DD1 was born. It was associated with a family dinner anyway, so low stress. We just got a few cute outfits. No games or anything.

    DH and I lean towards the introverted, so big parties where we're the centre of attention aren't fun for us. :)

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  • I really wanted one and am getting 2 out of town showers! :-) and if I didnt want one, I would say no thanks, I'm not up to it...
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  • I'm not having one!  So much less stress!  I enjoy shopping for the stuff we are getting.  It's not worth the big ordeal to me!  :)
  • No baby shower here and I am perfectly fine with it. My family traditionally doesn't have them anyways due to superstition, but DH and I have saved enough money to buy everything we need for ourselves. We will probably have a small luncheon after the Baptism once baby is a month or two old for everyone to meet him/her - but no gifts are expected. 
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  • I've declined a baby shower, I know I would be very uncomfortable with it. I'm not big on being the center of attention, don't really love being pregnant/huge belly, and not a people person in general. We have started budgeting for everything and perfectly ok with buying it all ourselves. 

  • I like the idea of an intimate get together with close family. Then you get the best part of any shower -- company and food (and hopefully cake). Bonus: less stress than your mom sounds like!

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  • Darbie914 said:
    kylik90 said:
    With my first, I had a baby shower planned by my mother in law but ended up unexpectedly having my DD the same day as my shower (she was 6 weeks premature). When DD was about a month old my mom, sister, and my husband's family got together and that was my "baby shower". The only reason I think I would have one this time is to get together with my friends since they didn't get the chance to come to my first one. 

    It's totally up to you. I don't think it's weird to not have a shower. If it's going to be more stressful than fun, I'd say skip it and just get together at a restaurant with close family like you suggested.
    Nope to the bolded.  Showers are to welcome you to motherhood and once you are a mother, you cannot be rewelcomed.  

    You can get together with friends without calling it a baby shower.  If they choose to bring a gift, that's up to them.  
    Absolutely! I don't even expect to get any gifts. I'm not one to tell people you can only come if you bring something. I think that's selfish. IF I would happen to have my friends gets together, it would just be to celebrate the new little one.
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  • I don't know your mom so I don't know if this is an option, but one idea would be to let her throw it and say you want to be surprised. Do not help with decor, ideas, etc. It may be totally and completely lame but it will not be stressful and you won't need to plan it. 

    Whenever she gets dramatic and tried to pull you into it, just say you want to be surprised and if it is that big of deal then she doesn't have to throw it. 

    We are team green and finding out at the birth. Our registry will still include baby blankets, cloth diaper supplies, teethers, toys, play mat, swing, etc and other small items. I will tell people the big items are only there so we can get the discount when we buy them later during the registry completion phase. I think it is common for several people to pull together to get big items though, so don't be surprised if that happens. Good luck deciding what to do. 
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  • Thanks everyone!  I don't know what to do but I guess there is a timeframe where I have to decide.  As I mentioned, leading up to my bridal shower was a bit of a nightmare.  I'll figure something out.  Thanks for all the nice words and suggestions!
  • I hate hate hate hate showers, baby, bridal, wedding.  I don't like going to them, I don't like the dumb games, I just don't like any part of it.  My mom is soooo upset that I don't want her to throw me a shower.  But I think your idea of doing a lunch type thing with the people you're close to is PERFECT.  It's definitely not weird or crappy.  In my opinion, it's very unselfish of you (not saying people who have showers are selfish in any way, can't think of a better way to word it right now) and having a lunch still shows those people that you care about them.  I think it's an absolutely wonderful idea.
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  • I think a after the baby is born is a good diea for you since your waiting to find out~! Maybe suggest that?
  • with our first my we had our shower after the baby was born. My sister-in-law comes from a family that it is bad form to throw the shower before the baby is delivered so we said that was fine. Having the shower after also allowed my mum who lived across the country out of town be there for it. We also had friends that moved out of town shortly before the baby arrived and they gave us a gift of a new car seat before leaving. SIL had picked up a crib and change table to give us after we were home with baby too.

    In the end DD arrived at 5.5wks premature right before we were going to go a purchase a small layette to get us thru the first month till the baby shower. So in the end I begged my SIL to take my DH out to get the things we needed immediately while I was still in the hospital with DD. A pack'n'play with bassinet insert and a small number of necessities arrived home a few days before I did with DD. We of course had a few gifts give at DD arrival and the others came at the shower.

    Opting to have the shower after still lets your mom or whoever throw a party for you but then the focus is on the baby. We had a few friends go in purchasing the stroller for us last time, so don't think that you shouldn't put them on a registry, as it makes your loved ones feel that they have helped when they go in together on a large gift to get you something that you will need.
  • Yeah I have declined a shower idea from multiple friends and my family who is out of town. My family lives 7 hours away from me and I had to travel there for my shower for mostly family (no friends) and it was sooo awkward seeing family i hardly ever see, being center of attention, acting fake and thankful for the gifts I didnt' really want (weren't on my registry) etc. and it cost my sisters and mom some money to have it at a hall.  Rather have them save the money. I setup an amazon registery that is private right now to tell my family if they really want to get me something it is free shipping to ship it to me and my husbands family said they are paying for the crib so that is nice.  Other than that we plan on getting most stuff ourself. IF you can't afford kids gear how can you afford the kid over the years? That way it will also force us to cut down on stuff we don't really need. I was told by parents that a lot of the gear you get you barely use so we are trying to be minimal. example, we are re-using a short dresser we have in our attic as a changing table and just putting a changing pad on top. will work nicely and not keep extra unused furniture.
  • You don't get to plan what type of shower you have. Either accept what your mom plans ON HER OWN or decline one all together. Planning a party designed for giving you gifts is tacky.
  • heehee, some of the responses here are so ridiculous i cant help but laugh!  i wasn't intending on "planning a party designed for giving you gifts" as someone suggested, noting it was "tacky". i was being facetious about my role in planning by merely referring the fact that my mom will try and involve me in every step of the process....  in fact, if you actually read what i had written you would see the suggestion i made was a lunch asking for NO gifts.  So I digress.  Thanks again to all the gals that posted thoughtful and insightful comments.  Its appreciated.  Have a happy and healthy pregnancy all!
  • People plan parties for themselves all the time, birthday parties, etc. However I digress. My point to the OP is that showers are usually hosted for you by people that care. Keep in mind to decline may be looked upon poorly. Additionally friends may not invite you to their gatherings if they believe you have negative feeling about showers. I would say use your husband or best friend or have a heart to heart with mom, letting her know that you don't want to be stressed through this wonderful yet already stressful process of motherhood. Inform her that you really want something low key with your very closest only and that you appreciate her understanding. Hopefully everything will work out.  
  • Hopefully people will respect your wishes.  However, unfortunately, we all have weird stories about anyone who has been pregnant before you trying to tell you what to do.  I agree with the suggestions about possibly doing an on-line registry so people can buy you gifts, if they want, but will not necessarily come to a shower.  Many people buy you gifts after the baby is born, as well, so that is definitely their preference, not because they were invited to a shower. 
    Good luck.
  • Dancerppf said:

    People plan parties for themselves all the time, birthday parties, etc. However I digress. My point to the OP is that showers are usually hosted for you by people that care. Keep in mind to decline may be looked upon poorly. Additionally friends may not invite you to their gatherings if they believe you have negative feeling about showers. I would say use your husband or best friend or have a heart to heart with mom, letting her know that you don't want to be stressed through this wonderful yet already stressful process of motherhood. Inform her that you really want something low key with your very closest only and that you appreciate her understanding. Hopefully everything will work out.  

    What adult throws a birthday party for themselves...? Going out to a restaurant and inviting friends? Not the same thing. Baby showers aren't thrown by the guest of honor because the party itself is a gift and consists of receiving a ton of free shit. It's pretty common sense why being the host of your own baby shower is tacky as hell.

    You can absolutely decline a baby shower if you believe it would be too much of a headache.
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  • I know that my mom and mother-in-law will eventually ask me if I want a baby shower, which is what they did with bridal shower. I told them I didn't want a bridal shower and that was the end of that. When they bring up baby shower, I might just say that we'd prefer something after baby or nothing at all. Being the center of attention is just awful.
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  • Showers are gifts.  If you don't want one, it's not crappy or weird.  Simply tell your mother you appreciate the offer but would prefer not to have one.
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  • With my first one my mom planned a small intimate family shower and I enjoyed that.

    This time, my coworkers threw me a surprise one and MIL is planning a shower. Since this is hubby's first (and probably only) blood child (he treats my son as his own, and MIL's first grandchild I don't want to refuse. Plus it will probably be his side of the family mostly so small and intimate.

    I haven't made a registry yet b/c I think they are kind of tacky and needy, but if they start asking I might.

    My opinion, if you are totally against a shower say something now. If family is wanting to be helpful and won't take no for an answer ask your mom to make it a small intimate affair.

    Good luck either way.
  • What is a wedding reception?
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