what would you do

indianaalum

I decided to re-post as I don't want to be misperceived as a horrible person based on what the responder wrote. I deleted because I am extremely sad about current family situation and was kinda shocked at the first response I received. I decided I wrote nothing wrong, so I will re-post. I apologize for deleting, but I am very emotional over my situation right now.

I have had a very horrible month  with a variety of stressors and have shed alot of tears. Due to some family drama, 2 of my close family members who originally were planning on hosting a baby shower for me (not scheduled yet, just told they would be hosting one for me ) and I are not speaking terms. It has gotten extremely ugly which has been hard on me since we were very close. 

Yesterday, my good friend offered to host a shower for me as she knows what is going on in my family. The mere thought of it lead me to tears as my family situation has been very ugly and hurtful. She knows what is going on in my family and she understood when I said I need to think about it. 

The thought of having a having a baby shower without my family present would be extremely hard on me emotionally (and would inevitably bring up questions on that day from people who don't know what our going on). I am just not sure what I should do on accepting her gracious request.

I asked what people thought I should do (should I accept my friends offer) because as I  (like many new first time moms do) could definitely use the items that ones often receive at a shower but not sure I can handle having a shower emotionally without my family present.

indianaalum

RedheadBaker said:

A shower is not for your friends and family to outfit you with everything you need for your baby. It's still your responsibility to provide for your baby.

I am capable of providing for my child. Showers are gift-giving events, not sure how that suggests I can't provide for my own child.

 I am "in limbo" of moving. Because of the lack of storage in my current home, I have bought ZERO baby items because  I know I am moving and have nowhere to store items right now. We currently live in a cramped apt and am in the process of purchasing a house. I will not be moving until shortly before the baby comes so it has been impossibly to prepare a nursery yet.

 Because people DO tend to receive many items at a shower and I was told I was having one before family drama took over, I was not really worried about having anything yet as I knew I would be receiving items at the shower (they ARE "gift giving" events, after all). I figured I would get the rest myself and set up a nursery once I moved to my new house and had the shower. 

I didn't quite realize that made me a horrible person who couldn't provide for her baby

VOR

indianaalum said:

The thought of having a having a baby shower without my family present would be extremely hard on me emotionally (and would inevitably bring up questions on that day from people who don't know what our going on). I am just not sure what I should do on accepting her gracious request.

If you really don't want a shower, then tell her you appreciate her offer SO much, but that this is really just too difficult for you.

However, to the above, many women have "Friend" showers and then "family" showers.  There is nothing wrong or weird about having a friends only shower.  And if asked why your family isn't there, all you need to do is smile and say "Oh- this shower is just for friends!" and then change the topic.

If you don't feel you can do even that, though, w/o breaking down - then perhaps you should just decline.

SingleMom31

I get having family issues... A couple people from my shower asked if my mom's family was doing something separately since my mom and her side were noticeably absent. Depending on who it was, I either was honest about the family issues (no, they had all been invited, but declined) or smiled and said I wasn't sure.

It's up to you whether you accept - Personally, I would though and would enjoy the time with your friends. There's something about an afternoon with good friends and cake that makes me feel better.

indianaalum

ReRedheadBaker said:

indianaalum said:

RedheadBaker said:

A shower is not for your friends and family to outfit you with everything you need for your baby. It's still your responsibility to provide for your baby.

I am capable of providing for my child. Showers are gift-giving events, not sure how that suggests I can't provide for my own child.

The reason *you* listed for possibly accepting your friend's offer is that you need baby things, since you're a FTM. 

You cannot count on gifts from your shower to furnish all the things your baby will need. A registry is a list of ideas, not a list of demands. 

If you read what I wrote, I stated that I I was fully prepared to get everything I need. I explained that I haven't bought anything purely due to my impending move. It had nothing to do with being too poor to buy anything.

You act like I am saying if I have no shower, my baby will be sleeping on the floor, driving unsafely in a car, and will be naked pooping on the floor.

I am not sure where I even said I was demanding anything nor did it say in my original post either.  I never (in either post) said anything about demanding a shower. In both situations (before/after family drama) a shower was volunteered to me.

I simply think most (if not all) FTM who have showers put things on their registry that they need. It doesn't mean they will let their baby suffer if nobody buys the item.

dufferoo

indianaalum said:

I asked what people thought I should do (should I accept my friends offer) because as I  (like many new first time moms do) could definitely use the items that ones often receive at a shower but not sure I can handle having a shower emotionally without my family present.

The reason you are catching flack here is because in this paragraph you make it sound like the only reason you might accept the shower is because you could use the gifts. I'm sure from your followup posts that you can and will provide for your child regardless, but can't you see how your wording just sounds a little gift-grabby? Most ladies at least pretend that they are excited for the social aspects of the shower and the presents are just a bonus.