Advice for first-timers?

oregonhill

Dear veteran mamas:

What are some things you learned during your first pregnancy that you wish you'd known? Thanks to any and all who chime in!

oregonhill

These are super helpful. Also, I feel like you're both reading my mind. I'm a little overwhelmed with all the 'do's' and 'don'ts' out there. Going to the doctor's office can feel intimidating when it's just me I have to worry about. Making a list of qs will keep me from failing to speak up. Thanks, y'all.

SWMcFarland

Collective advice is usually a good thing. Most situations aren't special snowflake situations!

Do what you think makes sense for you--after all, you have to live with your decisions and choices.

Agreed about researching and being knowledgeable about the process. I will be doing just about everything differently this time.

You know your body best. Listen to what it tells you.

GR8TDANEMOM

I always wished pregnancy would be over, I never stopped to actually enjoy it and I am hoping to enjoy it this time. Take a natural birth class even if you plan on an epi, because sometimes they don't work right. Don't be embarrassed to call and bug your doctor about symptoms you assume you are reacting to. I could be something more so always trust your gut and it's better safe than sorry. Try sucking on candy to help with nausea, I always had jolly ranchers with me.

momtosam

Here are the things I am changing about my approach this time. You live and learn.

1. I am pretty sure we will not share names until AFTER our child is born. The input and opinions from forceful family pissed me off. I want to enjoy naming our child this time and NOT feel like we are going against family wishes. 

2. I am asking my OB a ton more questions this time around. I honestly did not know what to ask my last OB and felt very blind going through the process, but yet I did not know the right questions to ask to feel knowledgeable. 
- Here are some of my questions I have been compiling for our first visit : 
: what is your stance on interventions being used? are you forceful with pushing labor along instead of natural progression?
: are you okay with me having a doula at my delivery? and various labor aides she may want to use, such as a bath. 
: are there birthing classes you would recommend outside of the one offered by the hospital?
: what is the plan for delivery if you are unavailable to deliver when it is time?

3. I learned that morning sickness is NOT the same for everyone. I spent my ENTIRE pregnancy sick as a dog. I was still puking the morning that my son was born. 

4. I wish I had known to be more VOCAL. No one is going to fight for you. You have to be your voice and the voice for your child. For example, when my son was born I did not try to feed him for nearly 6 afters after he was born. I was never encouraged to breast feed him immediately after birth and was never helped in doing so. I assumed a nurse would come and help. I was WRONG. This time I will be asking for help and not assume. 

5. Write a birth plan, but understand it probably will not happen as planned. The first time around I just went with the flow. Which worked, but this time I have things I want to happen during labor and after birth. I will putting my birth plan together with my doula. 

6. Take a tour of whatever hospitals you may end up delivering at. We were unaware of many facilities available to us during labor and wish we would have known. The nurses never showed or told us. 

7. I will NOT be depending on the lactation consultants at the hospital. If can not be seen shortly after birth, we will have a private consultant come to assist. I was not seen by one until 18 hours after DS was born. My postpartum nurse was a floater nurse and had no training in lactation. So we already had a TON of problems feeding before I was even seen. Plus she was not the most helpful at all. I am also planning to start attending LLL meeting during pregnancy, so I can learn more before we even begin!

8. Our plan is to use a doula this time around. So we are not going through the labor process alone and have someone there to help guide me. 

evakatharina

Thanks for all the tips, veteran moms! This first time mom is very grateful for your wisdom.

MiraK03

Been flying all day so I finally get a chance to answer this.

I hated being pregnant. So much!!! But what comes after is great.

1. If you get swelling invest in Ted hose. They are amazing with swelling. Also slip on shoes that are extra wide are very helpful.

2. Don't feel bad buying used items. I bought mostly used newborn clothing which was great. DD outgrew them within a month.

3. Keep a pack of saltines in your purse for those random boughts of nausea.

4. Stay hydrated! You get dehydrated very easily and it will definitely affect the baby.

5. Take your prenatals. I wasn't very good at it last time and by the time I gave birth my iron was so low they had considered giving me a blood transfusion because they were worried about my bleeding.

6. If you feel like something is wrong call your doc! Don't feel bad if it turns out to be nothing. It is always better to be safe than sorry.

7. Try to take it easy on your SO. Especially if this is also their first. It is a huge adjustment for the both of you. It's a good idea to cut them some slack sometimes.

That's about all I can think about right now.

MiraK03

Also, I was thinking about something today and I was wondering what you all think about it. Occasional threads for 1st time mom's to ask any questions to btdt moms and after we find the genders out you can ask other moms gender specific questions. Almost like TTGP's newbie play date threads.


What do you all think? (Also, sorry for sorta thread jacking)

MiraK03

@katnhiding‌ that's what I was thinking. I'm sure there will be random questions here and there. But this thread can allow kind of a free for all

evakatharina

I think it's great! I'm sure I'll have a lot of questions that I'd love to ask, but wouldn't think were "thread worthy". Monthly sounds about right.

10Nessie

I bought used for a lot of baby items last time (swing, bouncer, stroller, rock n play etc). They were all like new and a great price, so I recommend checking used before buying new (except car seats, those should always be bought new). I still do a lot of consignment store shopping for DD's clothes.

Also, nap whenever you damn well please. Seriously.

momtosam

katnhiding said:

I added an FAQ section to the blog. Would anyone mind if I used some of their answers?

Go for it.  

momtosam

Yup. I too bought mostly used things for our DS. I also bought way too much crap. This time we will be minimalists in what we get for this LO. Just do NOT buy your car seat used!

Also this time around I am skipping the infant carrier car seat. I am jumping right to a convertible car seat that fits down to 5lbs. I found it bulky and annoying. This is totally a personal choice. But my plan is to babywear a lot more from the get go. We also only used ours for about 6 months because at that point it became too much for me to carry with my back problems. 

If you do get an infant carrier look for one with a "Z" handle. Straight handle ones suck and are extremely awkward to carry. DH and I both hated it and regretted it immediately. 

MiraK03

@momtosam‌ totally agree. We're going straight for a convertible seat as well. I was so over whelmed my first time I didn't realize that there were other seats infants could use and transition with.

SWMcFarland

Regarding your partner: no matter what you have going on in your lives before a baby is born, he still had your "undivided" attention. After baby is born, it is easy for him to feel discarded, unimportant, etc. It takes work to keep up with everything, but make sure you make time for "couple time" where you reconnect and just be yourselves for a bit. Doesn't have to be a long time, or anything super special, but it is so necessary. Babies change everything, so your relationship will change too. Take control of the change and make it what you want it to be.

That was one of the hardest things for me. I was tired, working full time, still in shock from being on bed rest and then having a preemie, etc. I cerntianly didn't have any energy left for my marriage, and it suffered greatly because of it. Communication is key!

mylittleladies1229

Don't read books about pregnancy....your body will pretty much take care of everything!  Read books about parenting and how to get a baby to sleep.  You will be so much better prepared.

SWMcFarland

@JerseyAKL -- you are right--so much blather about what is right, etc.

Just do your best and I promise it will be good enough. 

The important stuff--good carseat, something to carry your child in (my preference was my Ergo, but that was just me), making sure they eat and have clean bottoms.  Other than that, pick your poison.  I learned a long time ago on the tri boards the first time--someone is always going to have an opinion about what you do.  As long as you are happy with your choice, and your child is healthy and happy, the rest really doesn't matter.

jennz201

This may sound strange, but enjoy your dr or midwife appts. I always found it nice to know that each month I got to go into my OBs office and they would fuss over me, and I was the only thing that mattered. Well, the baby too, of course. After I had DD I missed being constantly checked up on and monitored.

maybebride

jessnicolodi said:

Don't read books about pregnancy....your body will pretty much take care of everything!  Read books about parenting and how to get a baby to sleep.  You will be so much better prepared.

I have to disagree with the part about not reading books book on pregnancy. I think having one or two sources as your main source of information is very helpful. It is not good to JUST google everything or even ask on a message board because you will get so many answers and opinions. Your doctor is your best resource, but so to not call with every question, a book is a good backup. I bought Your Pregnancy Week by Week and really liked it. I read it at the beginning of the week I was entering and often answered a question I had or something I was wondering before it even happened. I was handed down WTEWYE and only skimmed it. But, those would be my two recs.

I do, however, agree with books about parenting, baby, particularly if you don't have a lot of experience around little ones.

momtosam

I guess another piece of advice is to get tough skin. From here on out you will be judged on every choice and decision you make during your pregnancy and after your child is born. Seriously EVERYTHING gets judged. You will do something wrong in someone's eyes from here on out. 

Be educated in your choices and stand by them. It is okay if you change your mind or try something else if things do not work out the way you wanted them to. Do not allow another person to make you feel bad for your choices. As long as you are taking care of you and taking care of you LO and you both are safe and basic needs provide. There will always be someone side-eyeing you for something. 

itsmevkb

Try and appreciate the excitement and joy people have for you, even those who don't know you.  Yes, they may ask personal questions but they typically do so from a good place.  I've never seen people's faces light up as much as when I was pregnant with my first.  For some reason, when you tell people it's your second, third, fourth, etc. they aren't nearly as excited for you.  Also, keep in mind that right now it's all about you but after you have the baby you'll begin to notice that no-one asks about you anymore, they are almost exclusively interested in how the baby is doing.

Rest.  It's good for you and your baby and you have the perfect excuse.  At some point there will be posts on here from pregnant ladies ranting about how "if one more person tells me to rest before the baby comes.........."  You think you know how your life is going to change and how tired you'll be with a newborn but you don't, you just don't.  And that's not a knock, it's just that you can't know it until you're in it and no-one can ever adequately explain how your life changes.

If you don't want people judging your choices don't tell them.  Bottle or breast?  Haven't decided or "why do you ask?" are good options unless you want to hear a lecture.  Or, better yet, really own your choices.  If there's one thing I've learned it's that so long as I'm comfortable with my decisions I honestly don't care what anyone else thinks.  My kids, my choice.

Pick a doctor or midwife you are really, really comfortable with.  One who will let you ask as many questions as you feel necessary at appointments instead of rushing you.  In the end, if you don't trust your doc you may end up questioning things that were or weren't done.

Have a plan but remember it's just that, a plan, it's not written in stone and it's subject to change, a lot!  That goes not just for a birth plan but as a life plan as well.  Lowering your expectations for yourself and even your household might just mean the difference between motherhood bliss and going out of your mind.  You really can have it all but rarely all at the same time.  So my house hasn't been dusted in two weeks but hey, my kids are happy and healthy so I don't really care.

There's just so much more but I've got to get home to the kids so that's all for now. 

momtosam

itsmevkb said:

If you don't want people judging your choices don't tell them.  Bottle or breast?  Haven't decided or "why do you ask?" are good options unless you want to hear a lecture.  Or, better yet, really own your choices.  If there's one thing I've learned it's that so long as I'm comfortable with my decisions I honestly don't care what anyone else thinks.  My kids, my choice.

Pick a doctor or midwife you are really, really comfortable with.  One who will let you ask as many questions as you feel necessary at appointments instead of rushing you.  In the end, if you don't trust your doc you may end up questioning things that were or weren't done.

Have a plan but remember it's just that, a plan, it's not written in stone and it's subject to change, a lot!  That goes not just for a birth plan but as a life plan as well.  Lowering your expectations for yourself and even your household might just mean the difference between motherhood bliss and going out of your mind.  You really can have it all but rarely all at the same time.  So my house hasn't been dusted in two weeks but hey, my kids are happy and healthy so I don't really care.

Exactly these.

NEVER say NEVER. There is something you will say "I will never do that with my LO" and mean it in all depths of your soul. Then one day you WILL eat your words and do exactly what you said you would NEVER do. I promise. One for me was I said I would never let my LO use a bottle past the age of 1. But my LO could NOT figure out how to use a sippy cup. I tried every damn sippy on the market with NO luck. Finally at 18 months we discovered straw cups, BINGO, and bottle was thrown in the trash for good. Be flexible in your plan. There will come road blocks and challenges that make you turn off your "planned" course. 

itsmevkb

Along the lines of never say never, as your child grows remember that no kid ever went to college in diapers, still crawling and drinking from a bottle. Your kid doesn't have to be first to hit milestones, they just need to hit them in their own good time. And those other moms telling you their 15 month old is speaking in full sentences and can count to ten? They're lying.

maybebride

itsmevkb said:

Along the lines of never say never, as your child grows remember that no kid ever went to college in diapers, still crawling and drinking from a bottle. Your kid doesn't have to be first to hit milestones, they just need to hit them in their own good time. And those other moms telling you their 15 month old is speaking in full sentences and can count to ten? They're lying.

SO MUCH THIS!

annarach

When it comes to food, a little goes a long way. You are not eating for 2, and your body doesn't need all those extra calories.

Sushi from a reputable place is better than chicken from a sketchy place.

A glass of wine on occassion, after first tri, won't kill you. And the closer you get to due date, it'll help your body relax and may even help baby come!

annerz22

So far these ladies have said everything that I have on my mind. I will add something for after baby is born...don't feel badly or like something is wrong with you if you don't have that immediate rush of love or omgbestmomementeverilovethisbabysomuch feeling. It's ok to be overwhelmed and scared. Ask for help and don't be afraid to speak up and take up offers of friends or relatives.

Get either a body pillow, snoogle, bump nest etc. They will be your best friend as your bump grows.

Everyone has an opinion on how you should be raising your child. Nodding and smiling helps to ignore the idiots.

OnceInLoveWithAmy

A lot of this will be repeated:

Take natural birth classes, even if you plan toget an epidural. I progressed too quickly and ended up giving birth completely natural. I was fine during the contractions, but I was not mentally prepared for the amount of pain when he actually came out.

Pregnancy is the most uncomfortable 40 weeks of your life. It sucks. But the end result is amazing.

Not everyone bonds with their baby instantly. It's ok if you don't. Also, the baby blues for the first week or so are natural too- your hormones are totally out of control. But if you still don't feel right after a couple weeks, don't be too proud to ask for help. PPD is a real thing, and it can be treated.

You will hear how wonderful it is for you to nurse your baby, but no one will tell you how hard it is. You have no idea what you are doing an neither does your baby. Don't be afraid to ask for help via a lactation consultant. Also, don't be ashamed to formula feed. Its not poison.

Let your SO take part in baby care. As a mother it's so easy for you to try to do everything. But if you include your partner in diaper changing, feeding and clothing, it will make your life so much easier.

Most important, when in doubt trust your gut. Your instincts are there for a reason.

vballgirl78

momtosam said:

itsmevkb said:

If you don't want people judging your choices don't tell them.  Bottle or breast?  Haven't decided or "why do you ask?" are good options unless you want to hear a lecture.  Or, better yet, really own your choices.  If there's one thing I've learned it's that so long as I'm comfortable with my decisions I honestly don't care what anyone else thinks.  My kids, my choice.

Pick a doctor or midwife you are really, really comfortable with.  One who will let you ask as many questions as you feel necessary at appointments instead of rushing you.  In the end, if you don't trust your doc you may end up questioning things that were or weren't done.

Have a plan but remember it's just that, a plan, it's not written in stone and it's subject to change, a lot!  That goes not just for a birth plan but as a life plan as well.  Lowering your expectations for yourself and even your household might just mean the difference between motherhood bliss and going out of your mind.  You really can have it all but rarely all at the same time.  So my house hasn't been dusted in two weeks but hey, my kids are happy and healthy so I don't really care.

Exactly these.

NEVER say NEVER. There is something you will say "I will never do that with my LO" and mean it in all depths of your soul. Then one day you WILL eat your words and do exactly what you said you would NEVER do. I promise. One for me was I said I would never let my LO use a bottle past the age of 1. But my LO could NOT figure out how to use a sippy cup. I tried every damn sippy on the market with NO luck. Finally at 18 months we discovered straw cups, BINGO, and bottle was thrown in the trash for good. Be flexible in your plan. There will come road blocks and challenges that make you turn off your "planned" course. 


Yes! My LO had the same issue with sippy cups... Could not figure out a single kind (and we tried tons). But... The straw cups were great.

I also agree with what all the other mamas and what they have said. The only other advice I'd have would be to educate yourself on what happens after birth with your own body. I knew there would be some recovery time but I was not prepared fully for the specific details and wish I would've known more about it. In talking with my girlfriends they all said the same thing and wondered why that wasn't talked about. For example, I was not prepared to continue bleeding for 6 weeks after delivery. I think had I been more prepared it would've made things better for me.

momtosam

bumping.  

welly01

Totally agree with the "never say never".  DH and I both have eaten so many of our words we said before kids and while pregnant.

Educate yourself about your birth options.  If you're planning a natural birth, or even a medicated vaginal delivery, research and at least learn about the csection process.  I planned a natural birth with DS and wouldn't even entertain the thought of it going differently, even after my blood pressure started going up.  During my hospital tour, my nurse told me that sometimes you just can't control the birth process and I ignored her.  I was totally and utterly unprepared for a csection.  It was devastating and so many things could have been done differently to improve the experience if I had been prepared.

Don't buy every baby gadget they make, its a waste of money.

Don't let family push you around.  Don't want your mother in the delivery room?  Just tell her no!  This is the start of building your own family.  You get to do things YOUR way.  If they don't agree, too bad.

welly01

This is not advice, but these are cool! Especially for daycare.

https://www.inchbug.com/custom-orbit-labels.html

And these come highly recommended, although I still haven't tried them.

https://www.mabelslabels.com/

We've already mentioned Lucie's List, right?  I really enjoyed her weekly articles.

amco25

I'm not sure if this has been said, I'm bumping on the go. Don't be intimidated by your OB. I was, it was my first time and I though I should leave thing to the professional. It turns out he had his head up his butt and he was a total douche!

I went in with a totally different attitude with my new OB and like he said " You hired me and I work for you. I will give you my best advise but at the end of the day it's your body and your baby, so you take the lead mama" any doctor who has a different attitude is dangerous in my opinion.

momtosam

welly336 said:

Totally agree with the "never say never".  DH and I both have eaten so many of our words we said before kids and while pregnant.

Educate yourself about your birth options.  If you're planning a natural birth, or even a medicated vaginal delivery, research and at least learn about the csection process.  I planned a natural birth with DS and wouldn't even entertain the thought of it going differently, even after my blood pressure started going up.  During my hospital tour, my nurse told me that sometimes you just can't control the birth process and I ignored her.  I was totally and utterly unprepared for a csection.  It was devastating and so many things could have been done differently to improve the experience if I had been prepared.

Don't buy every baby gadget they make, its a waste of money.

Don't let family push you around.  Don't want your mother in the delivery room?  Just tell her no!  This is the start of building your own family.  You get to do things YOUR way.  If they don't agree, too bad.

This. It is YOUR pregnancy, YOUR birth, YOUR child. Decide what you want for YOUR family and that is what goes. Yes, you and your spouse should be on the same page, but really the birth is about you and baby. Your wishes trump everyone else. Make YOUR wishes known. And write it down, so there is NO questions about what was said later on. 

CoPilot2012

You all rock! Continue to bring it on!

I also have no idea what gory after birth things you are referring to, other than "making padsicles" on Pinterest. So maybe you can start a thread for after birth experience?

I read a little about how some parents did a "meet the baby" party when baby was like 3-4 weeks old. I'm thinking this might make me (FTM) less anxious of my home becoming a revolving door to visitors. Has anyone ever actually done this? How was it?

MAdams728

You can plan down to the tiniest detail, but your baby is going to write their own story. Don't get so wrapped up in decisions that you will be devastated if things don't work out the way you want them to.

Enjoy your first pregnancy, even if it sucks. You will never have the same experience again, it will never be the first time. It's so incredibly special.

ashmichelle208

Don't be in a rush !!! Every time I've been pregnant i just wanted to be done and have the baby and that's it. And then I miss the whole experience and get sad that it ended so soon. We all want to meet our babies ASAP, but I guess what I'm trying to say is just ENJOY every single moment. Also, I know most ppl say don't buy a ton of maternity clothes..but dont cheat yourself either. Dress up and own your bump!!!

MAdams728

One more thing....don't forget who you loved first. Once the baby is here, it becomes very easy to ignore, or lash out at, your husband. Babies do change things, even in rock solid marriages, and everything takes a little more work. Those babies become the priorities, and our husbands get bumped. Be careful not to bump him too far to the back.

We were married for almost 13 years before we had L, together for almost 17. I never thought I could get annoyed at him so easily until she came. I love him more than ever, and we are definitely happy and in a good groove again, but the first few months were hard.

SassyPants150

Set guidelines for hospital visitation. I am pretty sure that between the nurses waking me up every two hours to check my bleeding (I call the mega pads the magic carpets) and everyone and their brother who suddenly decided they wanted to visit and give well wishes, I didn't sleep for nearly 3 straight days due to being in labor for 26 hours.

If you don't have a recliner, either invest or figure out how to rig a couch for a comfortable position. I couldn't sleep in the bed for the last two weeks because my hips/side of hips were in pain and woke me up every 30 minutes having to switch sides.

My life saving books were "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", "Happiest Baby on the Block" (the 5 S's...GAME CHANGER!), and Baby 411 for a reference book.

If your friends don't have children, don't be surprised if your former group of friends transition into a different friendship. I only consider one of my college best friends still that close. But, she also is a womens health nurse so, she was very clued into all things pregnancy and baby related. It took a long time to realize that my old friends were just that from that point on. We still occasionally catch up but we all went different directions when I was the first to get pregnant.

momtosam

SassyPants150 said:

Set guidelines for hospital visitation.

*****stuck in box*****

This. But not just for hospital. Also for after you are home.