update and vent (long)

trigirl79

Today has been epic, in pretty much the worst ways possible. This is long and kind of a downer, sorry. I knew this AM it was going to be a BFN and the blood draw confirmed it. Unfortunately at this point, we have to go back to the RE and decide what's next. We think we want to continue but it depends what he says and what the cost is. IUI is only 50% covered, IVF 0%. We desperately want Alexa to have a sibling but this is taking a serious emotional tool (not to mention time and finances) on our family, which I am sure you understand. I hate the fact that I do everything I am supposed to stay healthy and I can't get pregnant to save my life. I feel like a complete failure as a wife. And this has put a huge strain on our relationship as well. We are really torn at this point. I am also so sick and tired of people telling me to just "not stress" or "let go and nature will take it's course" or my favorite "I know it will happen for you". Again, I know some of you have said these things and I do appreciate them. But the sad reality is my ovaries don't do what they are supposed to on their own. So getting pregnant without medical intervention would be a fucking act of God. To top it off, I got the call from the nurse while I was with my sister, who then basically had no response (seriously, not even I'm so sorry or a hug) when I told her. Then I took Alexa to the park and we went down a slide. I think one of her feet/legs got caught because she screamed in pain for a almost 30 minutes. Took her to the ped who isn't sure what the issue is (no obviously swelling, deformity, or injury but she won't bear weight). So now we have to wait till the AM and see how she is and possibly take her for XRays.

So, the current plan is to start birth control because on top of all of this the RE is out the rest of this week and next and they don't want me in some pattern of funky cycles. So I have to call in the AM to schedule a consult appt and then go from there. I hope your day has been better than mine!

kmc84

So many ((hugs)). Life can be so damn unfair. I'm so sorry.

I hope Alexa is feeling better by morning. Poor kiddo it's so easy to catch a sneaker on slides!

Have you and your DH thought about maybe seeing a therapist to get to a better emotional place? Maybe it could give you some time to save for IVF (if that's what you decide)?

Please don't blame yourself. You've done nothing wrong and you are not failing as a wife. We all have a path to walk, some people just have it easier in some ways while others have their own battles.

jmorta04

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I completely understand wanting a sibling for your LO and it totally sucks not to be able to do that the easy way.

I hope Alexa feels better tomorrow.

Hugs Mama! xoxo

TJ1979

Big hugs. What a crappy day.

mdiblasi10

I am so sorry. Big hugs.

jesselayne8

I'm sorry about your BFN. I hope your daughter is better tomorrow!

trigirl79

thanks everyone. it's so much to digest and (like we all know) not a place we ever thought we would be. i really am clueless of timing, costs, etc of IVF. i never paid attention because i thought i didn't need to. it's frustrating that it only took 2 IUI cycles with Alexa. we're just going to get through tonight, see what tomorrow brings, and go from there. 

pb_bride

lots of hugs! Hope tomorrow is a better day for you and Alexa.

pinkmickey24

Hugs. I hope Alexa is feeling better in the morning.

JBDamonM

I wish that I could jump through my computer and hug you. Your post hit home on SO many levels. My situation is different in that we are MFI - but I know my husband feels many of the exact things you expressed, and for many reasons it kills me to hear it. Mostly because its obsurd. I don't love him any less because we can't have a baby with a roll in the hay....and I'm sure your husband feels the same, so please - don't for one second think you're a failure of a wife. I am sending you huge, huge hugs.

Eve_Angelique

Sending hugs, I've been in that place and I am sorry you are there right now. I hope tomorrow is a better day. 

blueberries8

Sending big hugs your way, MK. I was wondering how you were doing but didn't want to pry. It's really disappointing that what worked before isn't working this time around so far. I totally understand the helplessness and feeling of banging your head against a wall with unexplained IF when you don't even know why it's not working or the best way to fix it. 

Have these IUIs been with injects or with Clomid/Femara? I hope your RE will be able to add some clarity and insight and come up with a good plan for you. In the long run it is possible a single IVF could be more economical or similar in price to multiple rounds of IUI, even if they're partially covered. On the other hand, if you haven't been doing injects with IUI (but I think maybe you were?), that could be a good middle ground option to give a try. 

Sorry IF has been adding stress to your marriage lately. It is so beyond your control and has nothing to do with your worth as a woman, wife, etc. You are a wonderful mom doing the very best you can. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Also, that sucks that your sister showed no compassion. I've been there when a close family member or friend acts totally apathetic about a treatment failure that hurts a lot and it really sucks that they don't get it at all. 

I hope Alexa wakes up as good as new in the morning and that today will be a much better day. Let us know how it goes with her.

phishgirl29

(((Huge hugs)))

ccam

So sorry about such a crappy day   And I hope Alexa's leg is better this am.  Hugs to you!!

trigirl79

Thanks ladies! All your responses really do mean a lot to me, and I am so grateful to have an amazing group of women that get it. I think for now I'm going to arm myself with lots of info - DH and I talked last night about what we are comfortable with, money, etc. We did take Alexa for X-rays this morning because she still isn't walking or bearing weight well on her right leg. No obvious breaks or injuries which is good, so now we are just waiting to hear back from the ped.

MJC1116

In so sorry you are feeling this way. I can relate all to well to your feelings of self worth and guilt. But please try to tell yourself that this is not your fault. Hugs! Hope your little lady is feeling better.

Edit: because my phone likes to make contractions out of regular words

BabyKsMommy

I could have written this post a few months ago. It took 2 IUIs to conceive DS. We also are 50% for IUIs and OOP for IVF. I ended up doing 11 more medicated cycles trying for a sibling for DS. Not all of them ended in IUI because I didn't respond well to injects. I did 3 clomid cycles, which is what I got pg with before. I did 5 menopur cycles but I think only 1 or 2 ended in an IUI. I then tried Femara because DH isn't comfortable with the money aspect of IVF. The second try worked. There were times during that process where I told dh, how I didn't know if I wanted to do treatments anymore. I'm glad I pushed on but honestly I was just going through the motions. We deal with mfi but I don't blame dh at all for our issues. We are in this together, it's our issue. I hope As leg gets feeling better. And you do too! Sorry for wall of text, I'm on my iphone, blah

imoverit

Hugs mama. IF is such a roller coaster of emotions. I hope your appt goes well and you have peace about next steps. We are here for you.

Mrs.AmyDylan

Hugs. I'm right there with you on TTC. I've never gotten pregnant before without IVF. I do everything I'm supposed to. Giant pain in the heart. More hugs.

mcgeeva

I'm sorry that is a bad day! I hope your lo is healthy with no broken bones and just had an ouch that freaked her out. Hopefully they come up with a new plan of action to get those ovaries going Hang in there!