Help me not kill my mother

Ninjamama86

I love my mother, because she is my mother. That said... I just want to strangle her.

She watches the baby for me once a week at my home, during the day while I sleep. I have told her countless times to wake me to feed her. Today, again, she thawed a bottlle and gave it to M while I slept.

"I only gave her a little"
... Yeah but now the rest if the bottle is useless. 5oz, in the garbage.

"You we're asleep"
... Who cares?! I wake to feed her every night I'm home what's the difference

It took everything in me not to come off like the worlds biggest bitch about it. Spinning off yesterday's 9mos breastfeeding thread, my supply is dropping and my stash sucks and we're going to have to supplement soon. I know that the one bag isn't going to give us much more time, it's just so frustrating that she can't follow instructions as simple as "wake me to feed"
In addition to this she makes my house a mess - my kitchen always has food/crumbs over it, even if I just cleaned if the day before; she can't bring herself to throw the diaper in the diaper pail - she literally leaves the dirty diapers, unrolled, on the changing table. And she always leaves the wipes container open and dries them out.

Truthfully, I don't NEED her to watch M for me. My step mom doesn't work and helps us out one day a week also, without all these annoying things, and could easily watch her for us the 2nd day a week. BUT mom mom would be absolutely heartbroken if she didn't get to watch her

I don't know how to constructively criticize my mother without making her feel like an idiot (like she is) or sounding threatening "stop doing these annoying things, or else I'm taking your baby sitting day away from you!!"

Help, what do I do? How do I fix this

cagoldi

Tell her you like the fact that she gets to enjoy time with M and you appreciate her help but you're getting frustrated. Tell her you are frustrated to the point of considering other arrangements. Don't tell her that like it's a threat, it just lets her know where you're at with this.

She can listen or she can keep doing it the way she has but at least you had a conversation with her about the annoyances and gave her an opportunity to discuss them with you or modify her behavior.

Ninjamama86

@cagoldi‌ how do you make it seem so clear, easy, and unoffensive? she's back next Tuesday we'll see how that goes.

Ninjamama86

kamakaziartist said:

Hm. Maybe I'm not getting what the big deal is, but I'd not give a rat's ass if there were crumbs on my counter while I got to sleep.

Oh, and free childcare.

Crumbs, plates, take out packaging, milk split on the counter. I am grateful she watches the baby but it's as much if not more for her benefit than mine. If it happened every now and then it would be one thing, but I literally spend the 1st 30mins after she leaves cleaning up her trail. I'm not a "clean freak" but it's enough having to clean up after my child and husband I don't want to clean up after her.

Perhaps it qualifies as a first world problem

barista411

I understand that the bottle issue is frustrating but I don't see it as a malicious act towards you. It sounds like she is trying her best to help you out and make sure you get as much rest as possible.

Complaining about the crumbs and diaper left out when your mom is providing you with free child care is ridiculous. It only takes a couple minutes at the most to clean that up.

There really is no way to not sound like you are threatening to take away her babysitting time her granddaughter because that is in essence exactly what you are doing.

I would just reiterate your wishes or you could just set an alarm and wake up and feed LO.

fitmama418

Soozerella said:

If it makes you feel better, my mom just sent me some photos of her eating soup to show the baby.

Old white women are super weird.  

LOL.

cagoldi

Ninjamama86 said:

@cagoldi‌ how do you make it seem so clear, easy, and unoffensive? she's back next Tuesday we'll see how that goes.

I don't know; I have had a lot of these talks with various family members over the years but it's easy because we aren't screamers. It's awkward, but really NBD.

Ninjamama86

@kamakaziartist‌ my step mom (parents are divorced) doesn't work anymore and also watches the baby for us once a week. She could watch her more, but My mom wants to see the baby (and doesn't want the baby to be closer to my step mom, major jealousy issue).

It's totally a first world problem that I have other options for free childcare.

If my schedule doesn't require her to come watch her one week she gets sad, she misses the baby.

I love that she loves her so much, love that she wants to see her. I guess the problem is that she and I just have our issues. Our relationship hasn't changed in the 10 years since high school - we're not that close, and it seems everything she does annoys me. I'm much closer to my dad and step mom (which makes my mother insane)

[Deleted User]

If she continuously won't wake you to feed I would set a timer.

[Deleted User]

CFox815 said:

Also, keep in mind, it probably has been a whole since she has chased after a baby. The diapers, the crumbs, I don't think it's being messy, more trying to keep baby out of trouble. Believe me, I chase after the boy all day and leave a mess everywhere I go. It's tough keeping a baby alive and a house clean!

Amen!

Ninjamama86

rachelhermione415 said:

Maybe it's time to consider hiring some paid childcare.

Eta: Why can't she just come visit you and the baby? Or take her for a walk or something? B is still breastfeeding but is fine for a couple of hours if we go out somewhere (he is a distracted nurser). I'll sometimes give him a pouch of Plum Organics if I feel he's getting hungry and is too distracted to nurse, as well as a sippy of water.

DH and I have discussed taking her to daycare, and are planning on doing it after she turns 1 at least 1 day a week so she can have little babe friends.

I have a stroller here and I tell my mom she can walk her, she doesn't. I tell her to give her baby food, even leave it out for her, and it's hit or miss if she'll feed it to her.

I see her sometimes when she's not baby sitting for me, usually when we're visiting my grandma, I just can only tolerate her in small doses. I love her but I am very easily frustrated and annoyed in her company. My biggest parenting fear is M and I having a relationship like that of me and my mother. She's not a bad person, not a bad mom (she was a single parent, perhaps could have done better but I know she did her best and loves us unconditionally)

Ninjamama86

@kamakaziartist‌ I don't hate her, she loves the baby and wants to be in her life. As much as I am annoyed by her, she hasn't done anything for me to keep her away from the the baby. I just don't personally enjoy spending long periods of time with her.

Ninjamama86

kamakaziartist said:

I'm not going to be overly bitter or tell you how you should act, but I hope you are at least happy that you have family members who are willing to watch your children. I hope you tell your mom you appreciate her, even if she annoys you.

Not trying to be all Woe is me, but my nearest family is 1800 miles away.

I hope you realize how awesome you have it... Crumby counters or not.

We are so lucky! Because of our complicated divorced and remarried family, M has 5 grandmas and 3 grandpas. She's the first grandchild and they all love her to pieces

barista411

It sounds like you need to work out your personal issues with your mom if you want her to continue to watch your LO.

At this point it looks like you are trying to find things to be annoyed about.

mamasoup030

I get this completely. My MIL provides free child care and does some of these things and it drives me up the wall! There are two deal breakers in your situation in my opinion, the dirty diapers and the milk. I'd focus on those and forgive the rest. It's all about picking your battles. With my MIL my battle was food, I let the tv watching go and the messy house. My mom said she would have picked them the opposite way when we chatted about how I could handle it while keeping friendly relations. Maybe you can provide more structure to their visits, "mom, I really need help today - can you take LO to the park? She hasn't been there all week".

I'm thinking your mom is helping you in the ways she wishes she had been helped when you were a kid instead of trying to see what you need. Keep in mind, what she's doing, it's coming from the heart and she means well.

cagoldi

@leopardgurl831‌ She works nights, that's why she is sleeping during the day while her mom watches M.

mskatiep

@Ninjamama86‌ I have family members that I keep in my life that annoy me as well. I usually pep myself up before seeing them by trying to list 3 things that I like about them. I know her mess annoys you, but try to find the good in her as well. Pick your battles. I think it is nice that you want to promote a relationship between them even if you don't personally enjoy her. Just don't look a gift horse in the mouth, and try to remember that she is doing you a favor. Maybe you can reward yourself for restraining from criticizing her with a pedicure from some of the money you save not paying for child care.