Family "Gatherings" with a Newborn

griffers

Sorry if this topic is kind of overplayed around here, but it didn't get talked about much on the overnight guests thread and I want to get opinions from FTMs and advice from STMs.

So obviously we are going to have newborns not only right at the start of flu season, but also Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and (although some may not care) basketball and football season. Football is a big deal in my husband's family and we usually spend every Sunday at the inlaws for this reason. Well a while ago DH told his family we'd be doing football at our house this year. When I say family this consists of his parents, his sister and her boyfriend, and his uncle. Usually the guys all drink a lot of whiskey and scream at the tv. Is this really realistic or a good idea with a newborn? They will likely spend a good part of the day over our house. And knowing his dad he will want to hold the baby a lot. I tried to tell DH that he would probably be too tired and we won't want to clean (he won't let people come over when the house isn't clean, he's anal). But he said I was lecturing him so I dropped it.

So how about other gatherings as well. I realize most people will probably have no problem going to Thanksgiving and Christmas with family. But what about Halloween? And how do you feel about these family gatherings when there always seems to be a bunch of sick kids running around? Maybe I'm just being a paranoid germ freak.

And finally, how do you handle daytime visitors in that first month? I told DH that if people wanted to come over and help me out that's great but I'm not going to entertain and he acted like I was an ass hole.

So thoughts, experiences?

Maggie6424

In the first month, you're so tired and all your focus is on the baby. I think you're right about hosting football, even though it's only one day.. .. Drinking adults and newborns don't mix. Plus, they'll be loud (I assume) and you and baby will likely be sleeping. You damn sure won't want to clean up after them.
I'm due Halloween, and even if baby comes before then, we certainly won't be attending any family gatherings that soon after his birth.
As for visitors, we live out of state from most of our family. However, if we didn't they would need to understand that visits should be kept short and I'm definitely not entertaining. If they want to come visit or come cook dinner or whatever, super.. but I will likely not be showered and the house will probably be a mess.

pnwlover12

Geez, your H sounds like sort of a dick. Does he have any idea what life with a newborn is like? If he currently has no children, he is in for a rude awakening.

We are huge football fans here too, but I don't think I'd be down with a ton of people coming over and drinking heavily. Do you have a large enough house where you can get away from them with LO if need be?

Really, you just have to sort of wait and see how it goes.

asarem93

My family always has a very large party (40 people) for Thanksgiving, and a SLIGHTLY smaller Christmas party. I am basically obligated to go, but I am very nervous about it. I don't want my newborn being passed around 40 people during flu season, but at the same time it's some of my family's only chance to meet him. The struggle is real guys!

AmandaJean12

I'm not thrilled about having people stay with us right away, but my family is out of town so it's going to have to happen.

And for the holidays, we really have to go there. Otherwise my grandparents and extended family wouldn't have a chance to meet our LO. But I'm uptight about it already. The people and the germs... And in a big family people are always sick.

But I'd be really against every Sunday at your house, and I think your DH might change his tune when he sees what life with a newborn is like. Will my LO have to get user to mommy screaming at the tv during packer games? Sure. But not a bunch of other people.

mlhw NH

DS was born 10 days before Christmas. I just kept him close to me and said I didn't want to pass him around because I didn't want him getting overstimulated. Everyone was pretty understanding.
I didn't host any family get togethers for a couple of months. It would have just been too much for me. I didn't mind small groups of people ( like 3-4 at a time) coming over within a couple of days of being home. Itwas kind of nice to have some connection to things going on and people outside of my house! I also didn't feel the need to be the perfect hostess when they just stopped in.

golfingdarwinfish

We have a completely finished basement that basically serves as a 2nd living room, so I may consider letting DH host down there, but people would have to use the side entrance and the bathroom downstairs so that the baby would not be disturbed upstairs.  If the ruckus became too loud I would have no qualms telling them to quiet down.  But, I would probably tell DH he could pick one or two "big game" weekends to host, rather than every Sunday.  He would be responsible for all the preparations and cleaning.

That being said, who knows how I will feel when LO is actually here.  I may want no one here, or I may find I want some company or normalcy.  I'm trying hard not to commit myself to anything before I actually see how life changes.

griffers

Thanks for the responses. DH has no clue what it's like to raise a newborn and neither do I but I think I have a little more realistic expectation than he does. Unfortunately I have a feeling he won't understand until he actually experiences it.

reneenearl

With DS 1 I found that I enjoyed having company. I wasn't tired because as a newborn he slept 20 hours a day. I found it easier with a newborn to visit others and have company because he did sleep a lot. I don't expect to be so relaxed this time since I will have a toddler too!

I probably wouldn't mind the get togethers, but I would probably be annoyed with heavy drinking and screaming at the tv.

MrsL2B

I'm annoyed now when my husband has people over who drink too much and get really loud, and I'm not even upset about them potentially bothering the baby yet. 

savicke2009

We have a really large family, every party consists of 40+ usually- so ive kind of gotten used to the ruckus/chaos.. now that's not to say I'd want to entertain every single week... maybe your husband and family can go to his parents a couple times a month and you can stay home and veg with baby and then the other couple times have it at your house.. this baby is going to be lugged around all over, as my almost 5 year old is in pre school, and both of my boys have birthdays coming up (nov & Dec).. I definitely would say play it by ear and see how you feel

Emerald27

Sounds like you might benefit from having a baby carrier! Keep baby close and snuggled in, and no one will come close enough to spread germs or ask to hold LO.

Halloween is NBD. Answer door, drop candy or toy into kids' bags. Smile and close door.

Thanksgiving and Christmas will all depend on your family and the specific situation. Plan to have a quiet place to withdraw with LO if he/she becomes overstimulated or if you just need some time to yourself with your baby.

As for football...I don't know. Maybe see if your DH actually thinks it's a good idea once he's spent a few weeks as a new dad. Seems likely that football will move to someone else's house pretty quickly and without you saying a word.

rowanrat

My LO is due in early October and I have already told family that we don't plan on doing anything for Halloween or Thanksgiving (my mom's family always gets together for Thanksgiving and Xmas and it's a huge, loud, smoky affair). I won't be doing the big Xmas either but rather a small get together with a few people. People may be butthurt but they can come to my non-smoking home and see baby when we are ready for visitors. I am somewhat germaphobic but mostly I dislike loudness and smoke, especially with a newborn.

So, if I were in your position, I would not be cool with people all up in my place every weekend being loud. Just not my comfort zone

Rickaroo922

I am due in early October. For Halloween, we plan to dress her up in one of those little onsie/bunting type costumes and trick or treat a few houses with her and DS (2.5) then Natalie and I will head back home to hand out candy, while DH takes DS and continues trick or treating. I am hosting Thanksgiving this year, but its just DH's family, so thats only 4-5 additional people. Christmas is at my aunts house and a big family affair,but we are looking forward to that and she will be a little older by then. I refuse to stay cooped up in the house hiding from germs. I bf as much as I can and avoid sick people but that's about it. My son was born during cold and flu season and we never kept him hidden away. He didn't get his first cold till 10mo

archi35

rowanrat said:

My LO is due in early October and I have already told family that we don't plan on doing anything for Halloween or Thanksgiving (my mom's family always gets together for Thanksgiving and Xmas and it's a huge, loud, smoky affair). I won't be doing the big Xmas either but rather a small get together with a few people. People may be butthurt but they can come to my non-smoking home and see baby when we are ready for visitors. I am somewhat germaphobic but mostly I dislike loudness and smoke, especially with a newborn. So, if I were in your position, I would not be cool with people all up in my place every weekend being loud. Just not my comfort zone

This.  I admit I don't understand why you would put anyone else's concerns above your own for your baby.  You should do what you feel is appropriate, not what others expect in any way.

aminalex

It's your home too. Hang out with lo in the TV room. Unshowered. Changing dirty diapers. Cooing and playing. Giving him baby so you can eat a bite. He'll reconsider those all-the-time get togethers right quick. You're a team and should discuss things like this like a team.

Otherwise... Don't mess with a woman scorned!

bumpuser10309732

The only one I'm nervous about is Christmas. DH's family is MASSIVE. They are catholic! So there are 30 grand kids and 28 great grand kids. That doesn't count spouses of grand kids, kids or their spouses. So there are damn near 100 people in his grandparent's tiny farm house. I don't even want to think about all the germs. Since all the cousins have kids they're pretty respectful about being clean and staying away from the kids when they're sick and all that. It's chaos people!

MsMacual

I agree keep your options open and see how you are feeling.  In general, I found it easier to have people over than to be at someone else's house.  I was able to take LO upstairs and be away from everyone if needed and had the comfort of my own bathroom, etc (this probably was a bigger deal to me than having people around!).  I'd ask them to help clean up and bring the food each week.  I'm sure they would be more than willing to help.

My first son was born in late October so we've been through the timing with holidays, etc.  We chose to skip halloween with him- he was like a week old and we aren't really into the holiday anyway.  We did have some family visit the week that he was born and they were more helpful than anything else.  We aren't crazy germaphobes so we didn't really worry about people passing our baby around, etc.  All of my cousins have young kids so I know that they all are careful b/c they have been there. DS1 happened to catch RSV right after Christmas and that is something that isn't covered by vaccines so it wouldn't have mattered if everyone had a flu shot and was up to date on their TDAP.  This time around, we have a 3 year old so we are expecting that DS2 will be exposed to all kinds of stuff bc he's around more kids.  I think it is reasonable to ask everyone to stay home if they aren't feeling well and to use hand sanitizer or wash their hands before holding LO.

MuffinMom14

asarem93 said:

My family always has a very large party (40 people) for Thanksgiving, and a SLIGHTLY smaller Christmas party. I am basically obligated to go, but I am very nervous about it. I don't want my newborn being passed around 40 people during flu season, but at the same time it's some of my family's only chance to meet him. The struggle is real guys!

Same. We will be openly berated (and have been so far on Facebook, when someone said "can't wait to see you at Thanksgiving!" and I said "well, we aren't sure we will make it," and she went OFF on me, saying how STUPID this was, that babies need germs, and she ONLY comes in town for Thanksgiving, and SO ON. I didn't answer, I felt really stupid.) if we don't go.

I keep asking the same question to people IRL that I trust and people on here, and the answers vary so much that I REALLY have no idea what we are doing.

pushgal84

I find hosting in general to be stressful, let alone with a newborn. If my home isn't spotless, I do not feel comfortable having anyone over, so I get that. We're planning on using Sundays/game days as an opportunity to get out of the house and spend time with the IL's. We don't have to host, they get time with their only grandchild, and everyone wins. As PP mentioned, maybe selecting a few "big" games would be the way to go or start hosting on a trial basis and see how it goes.

shannonshare

asarem93 said:

My family always has a very large party (40 people) for Thanksgiving, and a SLIGHTLY smaller Christmas party. I am basically obligated to go, but I am very nervous about it. I don't want my newborn being passed around 40 people during flu season, but at the same time it's some of my family's only chance to meet him. The struggle is real guys!

I am nervous about this too.  My family's Thanksgivings aren't huge, usually just around 10-15 people, however, this year, my MIL just informed me that she'll be coming from out of the country for the baby's birthday through November 30 (which is the Sunday after Thanksgiving).  Then she proceeded to tell me that she's thinking of inviting her family (DH's grandparents, aunt, and then uncle's family...another 7 people) to Thanksgiving at our home.  I was a little perturbed that she didn't think to ask us if we would want that, but also because I'm nervous about flu season and germs.  

Like @SPurp13, I have no idea whether I *should* be so concerned, but I also wouldn't want the baby to get sick and seriously regret not having taken precautions like making sure people have had their vaccinations and are SUPER sure they are not sick when they come over.  

makaelashook2

I'm due 10/15 and I'm very iffy about bringing my baby around others. Taking him out at Halloween, I'm still on the fence. But visiting for the first month or so will be limited. Especially in flu season. And my H has planned holidays around us. People can come to our house, so we don't have to drag out LO. That way, I'm comfortable in my own home... and our rules apply there. Of course the noise level and I can be assured the smokers smoke outside and clean hands before touching LO.

asarem93

I feel like I'm going to get tons of eye-rolls (something I have been dealing with me entire pregnancy) if I even ask people to use sanitizer before holding the baby. I know people will say they understand if I only stay for an hour or so, but my family lives am hour away. I don't want to drive an hour with a newborn, stay a couple hours, and drive an hour back.

staryb

I've been going back and fourth on this. I really want to take LO out for the holidays but I know I wont want to take her out if it's really cold out like last year. My EDD is exactly 2 weeks before Halloween, if we do anything we would just be going to a friends house to hand out candy, DH thinks this is a bad idea though. We would both like to go out for Thanksgiving as this will be the first time out of town family will get to meet LO but we have also discussed staying in and making a turkey at home. On Christmas we will definitely go out, not sure yet about New Years. 

As for People visiting us I'm ok with it as long as they come in smaller groups, no more than maybe 4-6 at a time, and they have to bring food lol. I get anxious about hosting things and usually spend too much and run around all day before preparing so if they want to come over and I have to make the place/myself presentable then they have to bring snacks/or plan on ordering food. 

sheluvs2travel

I'm probably paranoid, but we are going to be limiting visitors for the first three months.  My family is local and made sure that all of their vaccinations and flub shots are up-to-date in anticipation of baby's arrival. DH's family is out of state and in poor health.  Should they want to come visit, they will also need to update vaccinations and flu shots.  If they choose not to, we will look forward to seeing them another time.

Apart from immediate family, we are declining visits for the first two weeks after baby's arrival. Our friends are awesome and completely understand, especially those that are already moms. You had better believe that everyone will be asked to wash hands/sanitize too!

Thanksgiving and Christmas will be spent in our own home.  Normally, we would go to larger family gatherings, but I'm not willing to put my newborn at risk during flu season by taking him out in the cold and putting him in a room with 30 adults and 10 kids where someone is always sick.  

Do what makes you comfortable.  This is what works for me, but others may be comfortable with lots of visitors starting at the hospital.  I am not, so I'm going with my gut.  Good luck!

persephonerose

Based on my last recovery I would say no way to having people over every weekend for watching football and here is why. These are the reasons we used when DS1 was born to stop our weekly football games.

I bleed for 6 weeks after birth. It was awful and messy. I or DH were constantly having to reclean the bathroom. NOT something you want guest to see.
I also had a c-section so it was difficult getting up and around for the first 2-3 weeks. I would not have wanted to have to constantly get up and move elsewhere to breast feed because I had company over.
New babies breast feed a lot! And it might be easy for you to latch or it might be hard but you don't want any distractions because once you get that latch going, someone screaming or stumbling around drunk insisting to hold the baby will piss you off.
You will be extremely tired. Unless these people are going to clean up after themselves, and cook for themselves you will be stuck doing both.
No guest will want to be quiet when baby is napping. Or if you have a colicky baby that cries during the middle of the game people are going to get mad.  No football game is MORE important than the needs of your newborn. Single people and childless people often don't deal well with the newborn phase. They don't get it.

We did thanksgiving at our house the year DS1 was born. It was potluck/store bought and family cleaned up afterwards.  Christmas we just did DH, DS1, and myself.  It was so much easier on us and we were so tired even at Christmas which was 6 weeks after my son was born.