When strangers touch the baby......

Wifey xo

I am interested to hear your thoughts on this. This is very new to me. How do you feel when random strangers touch your baby or get too close? Have you dealt with that? Thought about it? Even care?

DH and I were discussing this today. We agree it is awkward and a no no, but don't want to offend, yet feel Tate comes before a strangers' feelings.

We were on a flight home last week with our son lying across our legs and the guy in the row in front of us reached through the seats and touched my son's face (8.5 months). When I was walking into church last month with my son in my arms, a man standing in the doorway reached for my son's face (maybe his cheeks are too cute?). That same man grabbed his shoulders while I was seated. Finally, today at the grocery store, I stepped to the side of my shopping cart, and a lady approached him very closely and held on to his feet dangling from the cart seat.

A lot of friendly, harmless people out there, but I don't want my son being touched, especially his face. Admire him from afar, people! Thoughts?

 

:-t

Ladiebug710

I don't like it either, but I haven't found a great way to politely tell people to back off.  If anything I would prefer they touch LO's feet.  I get super ancy when they touch LO's hands because they are going immediately into her mouth.  I just don't understand why people think it is ok to reach out and touch a stranger just because they are a baby.  If it isnt appropriate to touch my cheeks, please don't touch hers!

Wifey xo

Ladiebug710 said:

I don't like it either, but I haven't found a great way to politely tell people to back off.  If anything I would prefer they touch LO's feet.  I get super ancy when they touch LO's hands because they are going immediately into her mouth.  I just don't understand why people think it is ok to reach out and touch a stranger just because they are a baby.  If it isnt appropriate to touch my cheeks, please don't touch hers!

Maybe I should just bite their hand for shock value :P

Wifey xo

mattsgirl2004 said:

I haven't encountered this very much yet. Maybe it's because she is still so young? I don't know. Anyhow, one lady reached into the baby carrier wanting to touch E and I moved the carrier slightly and nicely said, "E likes to put other peoples fingers in her mouth, so we ask everyone to either just talk to her or touch her toes only." I smiled and kept the conversation light after that. I'm not sure if she was offended or not, but she didn't touch her. It's so awkward for us as parents when this happens. I wish people would realize this and just look and not touch.

At church, I turned Tate away from the man's hand, and distracted from the move by saying good morning. People did not do it when he was younger, and it is oddly happening more and more lately.

MrsWallick

A while ago at Target a lady (who was very dirty and smelly ) started asking me about A and she looked like she was going to reach in the carrier and try to touch her and MH literally stepped in front of her and I said "I'm thirsty, I'm gonna grab a drink" and about- faced with the baby away from her. Probably not nice but we both freaked out. I do not want strangers touching her yet and I hope that I can find a polite way to handle this next time :-/

Wifey xo

Some people move in without warning. DH froze when the ET like finger came between the aircraft seats and landed on Tate's cheek. I'm puzzled why people think it's ok....

hungryhippo

Wifey xo said:

Some people move in without warning. DH froze when the ET like finger came between the aircraft seats and landed on Tate's cheek. I'm puzzled why people think it's ok....

I'm learning that anything that makes me uncomfortable as a parent just is not ok, even if the person doing it thinks it is. I think it is important for our kids to know that we put their safety and well being much higher on our priority lists than politeness to strangers. If your child felt threatened/uncomfortable about something an adult wanted to do, like insisting on a hug or kiss, but let the adult do it anyway because they thought it was more important to be polite, how would you feel about that?

Speak up early, be firm and unapologetic. I've been in a couple of uncomfortable situations now and it is really hard but I don't have any regrets about putting DS's well being first. I want DS to know that mutual consent in any physical interaction is important and that until he can communicate what kind of touch he wants or does not want, I will do it on his behalf.

This is getting to a more extreme topic which is not what you were asking about, but the reason I think it's so important to model for our children is that people with bad intentions often test the parents, according to some theorists. They might do little things in front of you to see whether you intervene or what you model for your child. It's icky to think about, but worth sharing for anyone like me who has a hard time putting politeness aside. The more you practice standing your ground now, the more comfortable it will become.

ETA: paragraphs

Wifey xo

@hungryhippo‌ that is serious food for thought. Truth is I am transitioning from career where I was required to be authoritative and strong for many years, and it has been all about me. Now I am trying to find the balance from my feelings of overprotectiveness without complete avoidance in fear of coming across like a bitty. I need to get over that. Even family has approached my son and even made him cry in the pursuit of a laugh- and it ticked me off. Life is so very different for me as a SAHM, from the career I had prior to IVF/loss. I am amazed that dealing with people has taken so much thought. DH is very non confrontational, and when necessary, has never been a problem for me. Now I am finding my way to how I want to come across in the eyes of my son as he grows. Thanks for your input.

BootsOrHearts

This used to bother me when Baby Boots was little, being a preemie and small I was very worried about him getting sick and I would sort of use myself as a shield or step backwards to keep people from touching him. But I found most people kept their distance and would tell their older kids 'you can look but don't touch' which I appreciated. 

Now he's almost 9 months and I find it doesn't bother me. He's gonna get sick no matter what I do. Just this week he's eaten a dead bug and a dried out blueberry on the kitchen floor from 2 days ago. We took him to the nursing home where my dad lives and all the old ladies touched his feet and kissed his cheek and stroked his hand and his hair and we let them go to town. He loved the attention and it made them happy. 

hungryhippo

Wifey xo said:

@hungryhippo‌ that is serious food for thought. Truth is I am transitioning from career where I was required to be authoritative and strong for many years, and it has been all about me. Now I am trying to find the balance from my feelings of overprotectiveness without complete avoidance in fear of coming across like a bitty. I need to get over that. Even family has approached my son and even made him cry in the pursuit of a laugh- and it ticked me off. Life is so very different for me as a SAHM, from the career I had prior to IVF/loss. I am amazed that dealing with people has taken so much thought. DH is very non confrontational, and when necessary, has never been a problem for me. Now I am finding my way to how I want to come across in the eyes of my son as he grows. Thanks for your input.

Yes, me too. Parenting a living child is transforming me and it is a process for sure. I think that's why communities like this can be so helpful, because we can share experiences and perspectives. I can go down many a rabbit hole reading various parenting articles and blogs.

On this particular topic, I had a short series of experiences with a particular daycare provider that were irritating me and as I started looking for resources to back up what I was feeling, I learned a little about stranger danger vs danger from people you know and the techniques bad people use to groom. I had no idea that they don't just groom kids, but parents too. That was a turning point for me in defining how I want to be and be seen as a parent. People can think whatever they want about me, I will now always intervene when I'm uncomfortable about anything going on with DS and as he gets older I will teach him about how he can respond on his own behalf.

Strangers are less worrisome for me overall, but they sure create a good opportunity to practice. And I know this type of practice is good for me because it's way harder with people I know.

Wifey xo

@Qfrump‌, lol, I guess acting insane would be a deterrent. Guess I need to get over coming across bitchy and just put Tate in a onesie that reads, my Mommy's a big B, get to steppin'!!

Wifey xo

Thanks for your time ladies! Great to hear different perspectives, while reflecting on my own personal hang ups. This Mommy is a work in progress. ;;)

2redtulips

We took R. out for the first time over the weekend, and one young woman in Target completely skeeved me out. She didn't touch him, but she moved in close and was asking all sorts of questions. Then she said we were "brave" for taking him out so young. It made me feel like she wanted to take him!

Anyway, I say trust your instincts. I intend to be pretty bold with people and will protect my son's boundaries.

blessed2585

I am sorry that this keeps happening. I wouldn't feel comfortable going up to someone elses baby and touching them unless of course I knew them well. You need to do what is best for your family.

Heeb918

I was at dinner with my family and C got fussy so my mom walked her around for a while. I look over to check on her and she is HANDING my baby to an elderly stranger and another table. I could have killed her. Her response? Oh we met them in the parking lot. She is a grandmother a ton of times over. It's fine! SMH. I had to have a tough conversation explaining that although C is very cute, we don't hand her over to strangers no matter how old or capable they seem....

Wifey xo

@Mrs+Hebert‌, I cringed reading that!

MrsWallick

Sorry to bump up an old thread but I just had to vent about this topic....

At grocery store today with A in the baby Bjorn with the infant insert up and pretty much over her head. A lady in the parking lot comes up to me and says "O I just have to see this baby!" So I just kind of giggle. She asks me to TAKE OFF THE SHADE (technically she said "take that thing off") so she can see her. I politely say that she is sleeping (but she wasn't) and A chooses that moment to start making noises and fussing. The lady says "no she's not, I can hear her" and then gets on her tippy toes to look up and into the carrier trying to touch her head!! MH says "She doesn't like when you're standing still in the carrier, we better start walking so she doesn't get fussy" and we walked away. Wtf is wrong with people?!?!

Wifey xo

@MrsWallick Geez, reaching in near the Tatas??