Whelp...... My husband is a moron

O2girl

Not sure he is going to have a wife at the end of tomorrow.....
I'm in tears and freaking out beyond belief.

Apparently my H decided to make sure our embryos were in the tank he was transporting to the new RE today and he opened the tank....... OPENED THE TANK!!! Why because he has seen them handle his sperm for transport and it is "the same thing" according to him!!!!!!!!!

I am pretty confident that I don't want to be married to him anymore. Why would he do that????!!! It's like the last year of my personal hell didn't exist in his moment of dumbass.

Holy shit I'm so pissed and completely convinced that he just destroyed our six remaining embryos.

cherylanddoug

OMG I'm sorry.  I can't even imagine.  

mpiemont

Ugh- what?!?! I am so so sorry. Is there any way to find out if they are still OK? Sending you huge hugs and a big slap to your H.

jjbmstinco

((hugs))

I wish I knew what to say.

Here is a brownie that I made...

BookishMomma

I would be BEYOND pissed too. ((Hugs))

Eta: can you call the RE's office and have them check things out?

jjbmstinco

picture fail.

O2girl

Thanks ladies.....
I told him to call the RE tomorrow and find out..... Because I'm not calling them because I don't think I can hold it together long enough to hear the answer....

I don't even know how he got married at this point.... I may never speak to this man again! I'm going to throw up now

Tablefor5

No words. ((HUGS))

jms627

Omg no words at all. I'm SO sorry...praying they're okay.

beckynsean11

Oh my god. I can't even find the words. I'm so sorry. I hope that you get good news from the RE tomorrow. JFC.

KS0510

What the hell???? I...I just dont understand why he would do that?! Oh my god...please keep us posted. I hope this works out for you, whichever way you're hoping for at this point anyway.

Lesliem0901

I'm so sorry. I truly hope everything is ok.

O2girl

ktlovess said:

I'm sorry. Did he open the tank and take them out or just look at them? I am assuming they were in liquid nitrogen, which, if he only opened them for a short time, shouldn't be an issue. I work with cells stored in liquid nitrogen and at -80 and if the temp goes up a bit it shouldn't, hopefully, be an issue.


Hopefully this is what your RE says... And your husband should call, not you. Seriously - I would be really mad. I really hope everything is ok, but considering what the tank was holding, I am surprised he even thought to open it.

((Hugs))

He said it was a few seconds so he could make sure his sperm was in the tank........
I honestly don't know what to think. I'm hysterical I'm not gonna lie. I hope you are right.......... Of course I may not know until they thaw and even then I may not know and if I m/c again I may think this is the reason. With everything going on this was just the last thing I needed.

natalie115

What on Earth was he thinking?! Fx they are okay!

goldengirl84

I'm so sorry! This is totally something my husband would do. Men really lack common sense sometimes. ((hugs))

O2girl

Maybe I'm irrational but right now I feel like he has no concept of what I've been through emotionally and physically over the last year because if he had a shred of understanding he would never have done this....... I feel like he must not care at all

Sorry if I'm being irrational.......... Maybe tomorrow I'll be sane.......

littlecookie

Ack!! I'm so sorry. I hope everything is ok and the RE says it should be fine.

gscoville

O2girl said:

Maybe I'm irrational but right now I feel like he has no concept of what I've been through emotionally and physically over the last year because if he had a shred of understanding he would never have done this....... I feel like he must not care at all Sorry if I'm being irrational.......... Maybe tomorrow I'll be sane.......

I know you're upset and you have every right to be, but I don't think you can equate typical male curiosity/stupidity with not caring for you at all.  I mean, that's a pretty serious road to start down, if you honestly think he doesn't care for you, you may have problems with your relationship that go beyond TTC.  You keep saying you don't think he'll be married by tomorrow, how could you have ever married him - those are pretty terrible things to say if you actually mean them.  You need to separate his actions from how you perceive them to equate to his feelings for you, I honestly don't think most guys run that deeply in the first place.  I really hope you can have a good honest talk with your husband and sort all of this out together, 

O2girl

@gscoville‌
I appreciate what you are saying. I'm beyond upset. Not an excuse but I'm dealing with Lupron brain too which is why I feel like I might be irrational. Our relationship is pretty intact. His decision to be so careless with the remaining embryos is just not a path I would travel because I have been the one who has put my heart and body into those precious frozen embryos. If he had been through the devastation that I have been over the whole process I just think that he would not make a careless decision like the one he did. It is a years work that is held in the tank and our last chance to have a baby......., so that is why I'm being so irrational about all of this. I was only saying the marriage shit to add some levity to my broken hopeless feelings. We aren't getting divorced he just needs to sleep on the couch for awhile.

O2girl

ktlovess said:

If he just looked at them, I don't see why that would be an issue.

I think you need to get a clear head... How would you ever know if something goes wrong, if it directly linked to this? You have no way to know this for sure. It is pretty serious to up the blame on your husband in this instance. Don't jump to conclusions until you talk to your RE. Make your world smaller and something you can handle versus expanding it to include every possible worst case scenario under the sun. I'm sorry - it sucks. I hope it works out.

You are right "how would I ever know if" it was the bonehead move that causes the embryos to arrest on thaw...... I don't know the answer to anything right now because I do need to get a clear head and answers tomorrow. But I'm still pissed at MH for being a bonehead and not thinking things through.

Sorry for the emotional irrational rant.

CreechMommy

So sorry.  FX that everything is okay!! Major hugs to you!!

meredithcarole

Oh, God. Okay, of course that is very upsetting. You have every right to be angry, but hopefully KTLovess is right and a few seconds didn't cause any damage. I am sure YH feels horrible right now. And keep in mind, while the physical part of this year happened to you, the emotional journey has been both of yours. Even if YH has acted stoic I guarantee it has torn him up watching you in pain and mourning and every other range of emotion that we all experience. Have him sleep on the couch if you are too mad to speak with him tonight, but try to remember this is a path the two of you are going down together and your successes and failures are shared. ((Hugs)). I am so very sorry for the anxiety and uncertainty you face tonight.

Tablefor5

@O2girl‌

You said:
"I have been the one who has put my heart and body into those precious frozen embryos."

"If he had been through the devastation that I have been over the whole process I just think that he would not make a careless decision like the one he did."

I know you're upset, I would be also. He didn't use common sense.
"To err is human"

The words that you used above, you have taken your partner out as a bystander. Although he may not have gone through everything physically, our partners do also ride the emotional roller coaster along with us.

I hope you both can work through this together.
((Hugs))

ellebelle2384

I'm so sorry.  I would be furious as well.  I hope he calls the RE right away today and they can reassure you that everything is okay. (hugs)

BookishMomma

O2girl said:

ktlovess said:

If he just looked at them, I don't see why that would be an issue.

I think you need to get a clear head... How would you ever know if something goes wrong, if it directly linked to this? You have no way to know this for sure. It is pretty serious to up the blame on your husband in this instance. Don't jump to conclusions until you talk to your RE. Make your world smaller and something you can handle versus expanding it to include every possible worst case scenario under the sun. I'm sorry - it sucks. I hope it works out.

You are right "how would I ever know if" it was the bonehead move that causes the embryos to arrest on thaw...... I don't know the answer to anything right now because I do need to get a clear head and answers tomorrow. But I'm still pissed at MH for being a bonehead and not thinking things through.

Sorry for the emotional irrational rant.

Honey, it's OK to be emotional & ranty here. We love you & are trying to talk you away from ledge. (( hugs ))

Frenchteachermama

I just sent you a PM

O2girl

Thanks ladies I know that it isn't that he doesn't love me. In a moment of irrational thought that is how it felt for that moment. It isn't that he was trying to do the wrong thing......... I know that. Maybe or maybe not it is a problem...... Sadly it is another variable of stress added to a very stressful situation. Thank you for your understanding and words of encouragement.

Giants721

Oh no! I'm so sorry. I hope today brings you some peace. Please keep us updated.

MBJune

I am so sorry he added to your stress! I hope the RE says everything will be ok! ((((Hugs))))

Km380

I'm so sorry for the added stress. I would be livid too, and I can also see mh doing the same thing. Not from a mean or unloving place, just wanting to be sure. I hope the RE has good news, please let us know.

Poppy715

I totally get being upset. I would be furious. But it sounds like he was checking to make sure everything was in there. Maybe that's his way if having some control or quelling his dear that it might not work because he didn't have everything where it should have been. You have to let it go. He made a mistake. Yes it was a big one but still. You can't let something like this come between you.

I also want to address what you keep saying about he has no idea what you've been through. Was he not an active participant this past year? We're your losses not gis as well. Did he not have to worry about you and the LIs he lost? Worry about your pain and the possibility he could have done something different or helped in some way? Those losses are not your own. They are yours together. Your pain is his as well.

Talk to him and explain calmly how angry you are. I hope KT is right sand no major reprocessing come from his error. I don't see how a few seconds could totally thaw thulium. A temp shift sure but hopefully nothing but good comes from those embryos.

dawnstar898

(((hugs)))  So sorry you had to go through more stress!  I can only imagine.  FX that everything is ok, update when you can!

kittymeowbark

Oh no!!!....I am so sorry. FX that everything is still fine.

lyndz333

I'm so so sorry!  I hope everything is ok!  

I would be just as pissed as well so no worries on the rant.  Good luck.

buggirl72

Big (((hugs))) and I hope the RE is able to give you some peace of mind today.

I do want to bring up one thing (not to beat up on you) because I see it a lot on this board. Do not forget that your husband is in this with you! In your case, those embryos are the last chance for him to have a biological child of his - no miracle, no anything will change that. I think you know that he did not do what he did with any intention of harming the embryos or hurting you. He knows what is at stake and he does not want this past year to be a waste either.

Even though so much physically is done to us, our partners have to watch this. My husband hated seeing me give shots to myself. He hated knowing I was getting shots. His physical response to that made IUI's not be an option for us.

There is a level of helplessness on their side. There is also a lot of women who plow forward regardless of how their partners feel which is why IF can destroy relationships. And so many (not saying you ever said this) will say "all they have to do is masturbate, look what I went through." For all those women who do say that, do you think your husband really wants to masturbate on demand, in a doctors office, and then have his sperm analyzed? Do you have any concept how hard that would be? I went through IF with my first husband who ended up having MFI. To say it played a part in the destruction of our marriage would be an understatement. That experience did make me much more conscious of Mr. Bug's feelings in all of this. I know that he would do anything to make me happy, including IVF if that was an option for us - but I also know that he would hate every moment of it and would only be doing it because of what I wanted so badly, and that he would have a little voice in his heart wondering why he was not good enough for me. Just him. Just us. He is okay with that and would rather not see me physically go through any of this stuff - because my body being put through IVF and everything that goes with that is not worth it to him. He does not want to see me hurt and he wants me to be happy. I'm going to guess that your husband is motivated by those same two things.

This is hard. You are currently on medication that mentally and emotionally jacks you up. Lupron is awful in what it does to you and taking while going through something so stressful makes the process even more difficult.

What is done is done. You love your husband and he loves you. Focus on that today because you do have control of the two of you.

CheesyPeas

I'm so sorry you're going through this additional stress!  I hope you got reassurance from the RE that everything should be fine with just a quick peek.

alm288

OMG - I'm so sorry! I would likely freak out too. Men are so dumb sometimes. I hope it all ends well.

O2girl

Thank you ladies for your support.

My H spoke with the embryologist today and apparently she said...... "The embryos SHOULD be fine; it all depends on how far out of the tank they were pulled........."
Seeing as nobody but H was present when he pulled them "partly" out of the tank....... We will know more when they are thawed. :-<

So basically.....we don't know.

I appreciate people's concern regarding the apparent state of mine and Mr. O2's marriage. I realize that in a state of hysterics I probably look like I don't or didn't seem to think that the embryos are also his and that (I probably stated this) I see his action as a direct reflection of how he cares for me.......
Now that I'm in a better state I will say this:
IF is a bitch. Yesterday I didn't convey why I had the feelings I had very well. You see, my H and I are equal partners in the making of our embryos. Of course while H has watched me physically endure painful procedure and painful complications over and over again (and that has emotionally hurt him) he is a bystander in that. My H also acknowledges that while he has sadness and emotions over the losses we have endured HE doesn't understand the heartache and grief I feel because he is a bystander in that part also(he is pretty cool for acknowledging the difference).

As for my feelings of not mattering...... My H did something yesterday that took ME out of the equation of US. He picked up OUR embryos that WE both had to arrange for transport of and made the decision by himself to OPEN the tank that contained OUR embryos without even consulting me, thus removing me from the equation, and thereby disregarded my feelings and thoughts on the matter all while potentially destroying OUR embryos. This made me feel like my feelings weren't taken into consideration (because they were not). In a rational state I have discussed this with him and H sees and understands why I feel this way.

Irrationality is a bitch also. I know my H didn't intend to hurt me........ But his actions did and those actions have caused me stress and anxiety in an already stress and anxiety filled situation. H has apologized and feels really bad that he did what he did. It was a stupid move on his end and he knows that. I need more time to muster an apology for my reaction because I'm still fuming (don't worry my H gets it).

Sorry for my freak out yesterday......... Rationality and sanity have returned to me (not that I had much of either before this so don't expect too much )

Thanks again for your care and support. I will keep people posted on the state of the embryos when we thaw for PGD testing.

MrsG80inTN

Thinking of you and hoping that you got good news from the RE.  I'm sorry this added stress to an already stressful situation, but hope that you can work with your husband to resolve as he definitely loves you and I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it.

MSU_Girl1202

I'm so sorry sweetie. I totally understand going on here for an emotional rant. I think this is kind of our 'safe zone' where we can express how we feel, no matter how angry or irrational it is.
As KT mentioned before, I believe embies are transported in liquid nitrogen at -80. I actually work with living organisms at -80 every day and I take them out for minutes at a time to 'look' at them (moreso to look for other things and put other things in the same box back). It doesn't seem to affect them.
I TOTALLY get the stress. Knowing what I know, I would still be freaked out, and you totally don't need the additional  stress. It's fine to be angry with YH, but you should really cut him some slack for being a curious guy or even just 'checking' on the embies.
Let us know what the RE says.
Big ((hugs)) lady!

blackbird818

I'm just going to offer you my love & (((HUGS))) @O2girl. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this added stress & anxiety on top of EVERYTHING else.


No need to apologize to us for your "freak out". You were freaking out (understandably so) and need someone to talk to. That's what we're hear for to support you. I hope you can do something tonight to relax a little. Hot bath?