Back from a temporary hiatus... Needing advice.

ewenner

Hello all!  I haven't been posting for a couple of months now, partly because I've been busy with a new job (yay!) and partly because I've just been getting frustrated with this whole TTC process (boo!).  Anyway, I am back now, and just looking for some sage words of wisdom from you fine ladies (and men?  are there still any men on the board?)  

Here's the deal.  DH and I (both 36) have been TTC#1 for almost a year now.  Temping and charting.  Taking PNV and EPO.  We had a consult with an RE back in May and he wanted to jump right in to Clomid/IUI, because my cycles are irregular (RE assumed I wasn't ovulating) and DH had poor morphology.  I wasn't ready, so we monitored my natural cycle for a month - all looked normal - and DH saw urologist and made some lifestyle changes.  Now his SA is much improved.  My cycles are still irregular.  Urologist suggested we go see RE again to discuss IUI and/or IVF.  DH thinks this is the way to go.  I still don't feel like I'm ready for this.  I am still hoping that we can do it the "old-fashioned" way and I honestly don't know if I would ever be comfortable moving on to any sort of ART...  maybe I just don't want it enough.  DH definitely wants it so badly, and he's frustrated that I am still saying I don't want to go forward with ART.  I just don't know what to do.  I don't want DH to resent me for the rest of our lives if I refuse to do ART and we are unable to have a family naturally.  But I also don't feel like I am mentally "there."  I feel like maybe if I can just get my cycles regular, we could time BD better and that would help?  Are there any supplements that help regulate the cycle?  Has anybody else been in this situation where DH is ready to jump into treatments, and you're not?  How have you managed?  Thank you all so much for reading through this.  Sorry it's long... I am just really frustrated now and hoping you all can share your thoughts.  

tlc35

Welcome back.  Unfortunately there aren't really any supplements that will regulate your cycle or they probably would have been recommended to you by now.
As far as not being on the same page as your H, I am not sure what to tell you since I am more ready to jump into treatment than my H.  Do you know what your AMH, and FSH are?  Are you using OPKs to time sex?  I'd hate for you to decide you want to use ART in the future and regret not trying earler but if your AMH and FSH are OK trying for a bit more on your own may be reasonable. Would you consider adoption or being child free over ART?
If you aren't doing so I would definitely try OPK and even consider checking cervical position.  It took me a few cycles to get it but now for me it is a more accurate predictor than CM.
This is all sort of stream of consciousness so I don't know if it is any help.  Good luck.  Not being on the same page as your partner is tough.

CML11

I guess you should probably have a heart to heart with your DH. How important is having children to you and your DH? How will you feel if you are trying naturally for another year without success, will you regret not making more of a move forward now rather than in another year or two?

I'm assuming ART means artificial? I don't think of it that way. Now that I know my odds are like 1 in a billion of getting pregnant on our own, we came to terms with needing help. It's no less ours or artificial, we just needed help getting started. I have always dreamed of being a mom and we're all in, whatever it takes. That being said, it was not easy for me to come to terms with needing help. I'm a woman, this is what my body is supposed to be able to do organically, but I had to get over that in order to hopefully have my dream.

I guess you both have to decide your priority of things and if you'll both be ok without a LO if it comes to that. It's one of those decisions that you both have to be at the same place.
I wish you peace and clarity with whatever you both decide. ((Big hugs)) and sorry for the lengthy response

obscurereference

I don't really have any good advice. I know some ladies have success with acupuncture. Maybe you could try that for a couple of cycles so you don't have to start meds but your DH feels like you're trying something new and moving forward? Good luck, I am sure it is difficult not being on the same page as your DH.

marijaa333

Hi @ewenner! Could you explore a bit more what it is about a little bit of assistance that you find to be ruining the idea for you? Is it a particular technology, or just the mere going to an RE that makes it seem less than natural? The way I see it is that we live in a world that isn't very natural; we're surrounded by chemicals, screen radiation and spent more time sitting and indoors than our ancestors ever would have; so, relying on a bit of Clomid or having an IUI doesn't mean you're somehow not supposed to have a baby. It could mean that all you need is a bit of help to rebalance what other ways of modern living have thrown for a loop. 

Or, are you scared it might not work even if you take on the cost and employ these modern methods?

Sorry if I'm being presumptuous; I guess my point is to think a bit more about your true worries/fear and see if narrowing them down opens up some new avenues that you would feel genuinely good about pursuing. 

ewenner

Thank you all for your thoughts so far.  To answer your questions:  The last time I had CD3 testing, my FSH was 7.1,  E2 was 42, and AFC was 27.  I was told these were all normal.  Looking through my pile of papers, I don't see anything about my AMH - I will have to call the RE's office and see if they checked it but I somehow didn't write it down.  

As far as what my exact concerns are regarding ART (@CML11 - it stands for Assisted Reproductive Technology), I guess the primary issue is that I have never in my life been comfortable with medical tests/procedures.  I do not handle needles well - I literally break down into tears every time I have to get a shot or have blood drawn. Earlier this summer, when the RE monitored my natural cycle for a month, a cried every time they took blood and almost cried during my SIS.  A few years ago, I even ran out of a dental surgeon's office as the nurse was prepping me for an IV to put me under to take out my wisdom teeth.  With all that in mind, the mere thought of everything involved in IUI and IVF just about makes me want to curl into a ball in my bedroom and never come out.  The cost and the odds of it not working also don't help, but I think those are not as big issues for me personally.

As far as adopting or going without a LO, I would be open to either of those possibilities- my DH would not.  He is very traditional (we went through a big ordeal when we got married and I didn't want to change my name...) and he has always wanted a family and will not accept a child that is not our own.  Ugh.  I guess I just never thought we'd be in this boat.  

Ok, sorry my posts are so long.  I've just got so much on my mind, and I appreciate you all listening and giving me you thoughts.  I will definitely buy some OPKs and try to check cervical position.  I don't know if I could handle the acupuncture (big surprise, right?)  Any other suggestions are greatly appreciated.  And congratulations if you've actually read this far.  

supersarah77

@ewenner‌ , you are in a really tough position with your husband, disagreeing about such an important subject. That is not easy! And understanding the fears behind your hesitation to start ART, it makes perfect sense why you're not ready now and may never be. It's your body, and while it's a temporary moment in time, it's still a potentially miserable process for you. Only you can say if/when the benefits outweigh the harms.

One compromise might be to be very diligent about charting CM, CP, temp, OPKs, etc for 4-6 months and then revisit the conversation again with your husband. A lot can change in that amount of time.

Another suggestion would be to really allow the space for each other to emotionally process where you're at. Sometimes just processing all the emotions in a safe way can move you to a different spot. A framework I like is called Empty the Jug and you take turns asking the other the following questions over and over until their emotional jug is empty, and all you say in response is "thank you, what else are you ____ about?" Here are the questions:

What are you mad about?
What are you sad about?
What are you scared about?
What are you glad about?

Good luck to you, and I hope you can find peace.

marijaa333

Ah, well no one can blame you for hating needles! I faint at every bloodwork appointment I have, so now I just tell them ahead of time that I have to lie down and that I *will* pass out. It's not like I'm consciously scared or anything, I know perfectly well nothing terrible is going to happen to me, I just can't help it - I pass out!

What I used to do in the past when I knew there would be a series of unpleasant tests was write them all down and then ask the doctor how we can minimize the number of procedures as well as days on which I would have to deal with them. That gave me a sense of control (I could cross out each procedure from the list and know I had a smaller number than when I started), and we also found ways to schedule things on the same day so I could just prepare mentally for a package deal. As a bonus, I was also able to totally skip some tests by combing them with others. 

I know it's no fun still, but I would encourage you to find an RE you can talk to and who will work with you to make you more comfortable. Also, they will know which nurses are particularly skilled, and I swear that makes ALL the difference!  

Years ago, I used to be on medication that required bloodwork and some other tests every month; I can't say I enjoyed any of it, but I did learn how to manage. I wish you the same, if you decide to go that route.

Edit: I also had a totally nonjudgmental nurse friend go with me a few times. That really helped. I don't think my husband would have been as helpful since he can't relate.

ewenner

marijaa333CK2MD - Believe me, I have thought long and hard about what interventions may or may not be necessary during an actual pregnancy, and I talked at length with my OBGYN about all of that last year when we first decided to start TTC.  And you're right, I expect I will just find a way to cope, which is what I will have to do if we decide to move forward with any ART.  (and in regard to the name changing, we compromised - I have two last names now, which sure takes up a lot of room on my driver's license!  )  Thank you all again - I am feeling so much better already.  

Davie813

I think everybody gave you great advice, so I just have a couple of encouraging tidbits to add.

The first is that the bloodwork you have so far looks really good!  Based on those numbers, I think a few months of getting very serious about charting, temping, and the like sounds perfectly reasonable before moving on to anything invasive.

The second is that a lot of the medical procedures you're anxious about actually aren't that bad.  I've only had one medicated IUI, but the IUI itself was no big deal, definitely no worse than a regular pap.  And the shots really, really don't hurt.  If you had DH do them and didn't look, you seriously might not notice them happening.

I hope it's not an issue and that it happens for you naturally, though.  You could also bring up the idea of clomid and timed intercourse and see if that's a compromise your RE thought might be effective.  I don't remember if you mentioned it, but have you had an HSG to be sure your tubes are clear, etc? 

Good luck!

ewenner

Davie813 - Thank you for your response.  I talked with DH about it more yesterday, and he seems ok with the idea of using OPKs for a 2-3 months to see if that helps.  I have had an SIS, which was normal, but I haven't had an HSG yet - it's on my list of questions to ask the RE.  As for the shots, my problem unfortunately has nothing to do with the pain of the needle - I actually have a very high tolerance for pain.  It's more the "idea" of something being injected into my body and/or blood being sucked out of my body.  Even now, just the thought of it is making me cringe.  I know it sounds crazy, but I've been this way as long as I can remember.  Anyway, thanks again!  I appreciate your advice!

gscoville

Just some thoughts I keep having as I read through all of this and hearing about your husband's stance on things. I wonder if he's just so definite about things now, when the possibility of still having your 'own' child still exists? How will he feel if you do go through with ART and still aren't successful? Why is he ok with extreme medical intervention but not with taking in a baby who needs a good home? In fact, how is his opposition to adoption 'traditional' but going through ART is ok to him? And what if the ART path follows through to needing to use donor eggs/sperm/embryos?

I don't mean to stir things up, these are just all questions I would try to explore with your husband as you work together to find a path forward.  I would also say that with your numbers looking so good, there's no reason you can't take some time to try on your own for a while.  You've only got a couple of cycles temping under your belt (according to your FF anyways), two cycles is really not enough to see any sorts of patterns.  Give yourself, say, six more months to temp, chart CM/CP/OPKs and really see where your cycles are at, and if hubby's improved SA results will have some bearing on things.  Maybe discuss this with hubby as well, perhaps if you have a set timeline in mind you can both live with it will help with the compromise - you can try on your own for some time, but if you get to that time without success, you'll at least know you've given it the attempt you wanted and you'll be more comfortable with the idea of trying ART.  Seems like you're feeling backed into a corner right now, but some time to do things on your own will give you the space you need to feel like you're not being forced into anything.

marijaa333

Perhaps thinking of it this way will help: Being injected is just a more efficient way to get medication or nutrients to your cells than if you were to swallow a pill. It's simply a a sturdier, shorter path from meds to their target, so not weirder than taking oral antibiotics.  

As for blood being drawn, well...

*PASSES OUT*

ewenner

gscoville - I've been charting/temping for a year.  Not sure why my FF link only shows two months?My cycle length ranges from 22 to 34 days, O happens anywhere from 14 to 22, with LP from 8 to 12.  Crazy irregular, but it's been that way my whole life, so I don't know that there's anything to be done about it.  I agree with your thoughts about talking to DH - I think for him it all has to do with the genetic connection.  He and I definitely still have a lot to discuss.  Thank you for your advice!

Pintobean39

**** pregnancy and losses mentioned***



I've actually kinda been where you are. When my husband and I first got married I was 36, of course my OB told me don't wait to have kids if that was what we wanted. I wasn't ready just yet but 6 months later I decided I was ready, of course my husband wanted to try as soon as we got married. The first 16 months of trying I wasn't pushing it, although I had some medical problems and an upcoming surgery, basically we were just NTNP. 4 weeks after my surgery at dinner one night I had a conversation with my husband about how I was ready to finally get serious, just maybe some test but definitely no treatments. I found out I was pregnant the next week but it ended in a MMC @ 10 1/2 weeks. Now I had the fever and started charting but I was not ready for a RE or any test yet. 2 more mc later
I was finally ready to see a RE, but of course not IVF, 4 months later, I was trying to figure out how to pay for IVF and welcoming it with open arms.

It's all a process, it's hard for everyone to be on the same page at the same time. All you can do is be open and honest with each other. You may or may not change your mind, but at this moment you aren't ready to move towards the next step. That's perfectly
acceptable, it's not easy, and you have to be ready. If you ever get there the medicine, the needles, the ultrasounds don't seem like that much of a big deal. It's just like a woman who's 9 months pregnant pushing so hard that her body is ripping to get a baby out of her, she's ready, she will do whatever it takes.

I suggest temping, charting, and OPK's if you want to make the most of trying on your own. It's really not hard and becomes a habit, almost second nature.

Even though I'm now 40 and still don't have a take home baby I have absolutely no regrets for taking the
time to get treatments until I was ready. I wish you all the best in whatever decision you and your husband decide to make. Good luck!!