~ Loss Check-In ~

CherryPicked

Hi ladies, I hope you have been kind to yourselves this week.  

Welcome to the check-in! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too. 

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 

QOTW: How do you wish people would react to your grief?  What has been helpful?

lexusolsen

chickinNH said:

Hi ladies.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? It's been a very difficult week. Today is Petey's EDD. At the beginning of the week I was a mess and I didn't know how I would get through it.  Since then I have done some thinking and made a plan for a way to honor him. I feel a sense of peace and hope today will help me heal a little.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I just want to get through today and hopefully begin to look a bit towards the future instead of always focusing on the past and on my grief.  To compound things, I learned this morning that one of my best friends who is PG with twins is being induced today.  My first reaction was shock that of all the days of the year it had to be on THIS day but I am accepting it.  My goal is to get myself to a place where I am "ok" with this and can be happy for them and focus on what this means for them and not what it means for me. I don't really have a plan yet but I know I just need to get to a place of acceptance.

QOTW: How do you wish people would react to your grief?  What has been helpful? It's helpful when people tell me they love Petey too and that he will never be forgotten.  I think that is the best thing they could say.


*****ticker warning*****

What a rough day! I'm sorry! But just so you know, it is still possible that she won't have the babies until tomorrow. What are you doing for Petey today?

lexusolsen

Have you taken any steps toward healing?

This week I booked a plane ticket to see my friend and meet her little girl. It isn't until October but it's important that I go since I'm her godmother and she will be being baptized. I haven't held a little baby since we lost Ben. She and Ben were due six weeks apart. We had all sorts of things planned for them together. I'm nervous but I will be staying at a hotel and have my own rental car, so those thighs should make it easier.

What is your next goal for yourself? What plans to do you have to help you achieve that goal?

I'm trying to work on the coping skills my therapist recommended. Deep breathing, grounding and some kind of muscle thing.

QOTW: I prefer when people just say they are sorry and don't try to offer me an excuse or reason. It's also nice when others mention or acknowledge him. I'm afraid that he will be forgotten, especially now that my SIL is expecting a baby in March around his birthdate.

shandorfml2

Hi ladies. Thanks for taking over the check in @kderoy!

**siggy warning

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?  I think so. I've been having a lot of emotions lately, and I feel I am atleast making progress sorting them out.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Continue to be healthy, continue to journal and talk to Ana. I will also be doing therapy more often now that I am pregnant, and I think that will help.

QOTW: How do you wish people would react to your grief?  What has been helpful? Be supportive, reach out, ask how I am, talk about Ana. Most helpful has been people remembering her, checking in once and a while. I like how some people will send me pins or things they find on facebook that remind them of me and Ana.

shandorfml2

@chickinNH those sound like wonderful ways to honor Petey!! I have a friend who had her son four days after Ana's first angelversary. Her due date was her birthday, and both of us worried he'd be born on that day! I try to look at it like she is watching over him, because it is so close to her special day. I bet Petey is watching over the twins

CherryPicked

@chickinNH - Lots of hugs to you today! 

@lexusolsen - It's great that you are making plans for your trip, even though it sounds like it will be a difficult one.  Thinking of you.

@shandorfml2 - You are welcome!  Wishing you all the best!

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

No big steps, but I have been having more good days recently.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

I would like to initiate sharing pictures of Caroline more often.  Perhaps people don't ask about her or how I'm doing because they think they will upset me, and they need me to let them know that it is okay to talk about her and ask questions.

QOTW: How do you wish people would react to your grief?  What has been helpful?

For me, the best reaction is saying "I'm sorry for your loss" without any attempt at rationalizing it.  I also appreciate the people who say that they are there for me and whatever I need, and who bring up Caroline's name.

LyndseyTS

@chickinNH Thinking of you. EDDs can be tough. I’m glad that you’re feeling a sense of peace.

@lexusolsen It’s great that you’ve booked your ticket. Here’s hoping the visit is a positive one (as much as can be!).

@shandorfml2 Progress is good!

@kderoy Yay for more good days!

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 

This weekend was a big step. I am a Norwex consultant and have been out of it for more than six months (since just before Serenity was born). I did an event which was terrifying, but also awesome. I was so incredibly nervous because it involves talking with people I don't know. This used to be something that I really enjoyed (getting to know new people), but the anxiety hasn't been helpful. That said, I love my job and it was really nice to jump back in. I count it as a success and feel ready to keep at it.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 

Continue to get my house in order and decide how much I want to work (and at what). School starts up again here in a couple of weeks, so I want to make a game plan for how often I want to sub. And stick to it. Trying to focus on getting my life "back on track" and not being brought down by the six-month minimum wait.

QOTW: How do you wish people would react to your grief?  What has been helpful?

I love it when others talk about missing her and wishing she were here. It helps me to know I'm not alone. Also just mentioning her name and not being afraid to bring it up. I'm getting better at not falling (all the way) apart when I talk about her and it's nice to remember her with others. Hugs with no words or a simple "I'm so sorry" are also lovely.

Manada

@chickinNH I was following your updates of what you did on the EDD and it sounded lovely, you also inspired me to think more about our EDD in October.

@LyndseyTS‌ where did you get the footprint pendant in your profile pic? I have been looking for something similar for us with our girls' footprints engraved on it.

Okay, my check-in:

This past week was fairly horrible. We went to our postpartum followup with the MFM/OB and it stirred up a lot of stuff, most notably that he attributes our loss primarily to having twins and an IC, rather than the chorio infection we thought had precipitated it all. In many ways that hurts, because we didn't plan to have twins, but they became such a blessing and a miracle to have and we were so excited for that. It also puts the blame for this whole thing on my body failing in a way that could, and is likely to, repeat itself .... That's been really hard for me to think about this week. I have been researching Transabdominal Cerclage recently, and am dismayed to find that it may be a fight to get one, but that it would give us the best chance if I ever want to be pregnant again.

Yesterday marked two months since the loss of Tavin and Casey. I can still feel their little bodies in my arms, and have been quietly celebrating the ways I see them in my partner's face. I have taken more photos of her sleeping than I would care to admit this week, just because our daughters looked so much like her.

Next week is a busy one for us. We are going to see my in-laws this weekend for a long weekend, stopping to visit my grandmother along the way. We are also going to meet with our RE (fertility doc) on Monday to get a sense of what we need to do to get prepared for trying again with @healz413‌ carrying next time. That will likely be a hard, but also necessary step in moving forward.

QOTW: I like it when people acknowledge our daughters' humanity by saying their names, or telling us how much they miss their place in our circles as well. Mostly I like a simple acknowledgment of our loss, and how our babies were so welcomed and loved.

AshersMom11

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I am about halfway done crocheting my second baby blanket to donate to loss moms at our local hospital. We also went on a nice vacation to Chattanooga, TN and had a great time. It was nice to get away for a little while.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Just trying to get through the next few weeks. September 24 was our due date and I am already starting the feel anxious about it.

QOTW: How do you wish people would react to your grief?  What has been helpful? Just checking in once in a while is nice, and being there to just to listen when I need to vent or cry.

forevermyfenix

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 

I'm not sure I could honestly say yes to this one, but maybe I have. I've been trying to "be there" for DH who is having a rough time. I know I can't fix things and I shouldn't expect to be able to completely heal his pain, but I sometimes feel like I failure as a wife. One step that did help us both was we were able to talk about when we wanted to TTC again. It will never replace Fenix, but we feel like having the hope and plan to TTC helps us to mourn more for Fenix than for not having living children. Fenix was our first and it's so hard to be home to this empty house and go back to living the college grad school like when we should be taking care of Fenix. 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 
My next goal is to get back to my internship in school counseling. I'm waiting for my tailbone to heal (it got fractured or something during delivery) and then I'll get back to it. DH and I agreed that we wouldn't TTC until I get my internship hours done. 480 counseling hours to go, putting it around the May 2015 timeframe. 
QOTW: How do you wish people would react to your grief?  What has been helpful?

One of the things that I've been hurting about is not being able to show Fenix's picture to people I know IRL. People just look at it mournfully and dont say anything and then try to change the subject. I wish people would act more like they act to any other person's baby's picture - remark on the features that are shared with the parents, "oh he's so precious," the usual stuff. Please don't act like he never happened. And understand when I auto-reject all of the phone calls. 

lexusolsen

@artgeek009‌ Good for you. Making a TTC timeline made it easier for us too. It takes the pressure off constantly having that conversation. We will be TTC around the same time. I hope we both get rainbows quickly.

I also agree with you about the pictures. Can we talk about how my little boy had his daddy's features and my coloring? He's adorable! That's all I want. For other people to validate his existence and his place in my family.

@AshersMom11‌ Thank you for making those blankets. We loved that someone made him something so special.

@Manada‌ Your update broke my heart. I can't imagine how much more this complicates your grief and your journey right now. I will keep you and your partner in my thoughts.

@chickinNH‌ What happened with the twins and the induction?

LyndseyTS

@Manada It's from a seller on Etsy. Here's the link: https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/MyLoveCharms You can also go to Etsy and search for what you're looking and lots of options will come up. I hope it's helpful! I love my necklace and rarely go a day without it. I believe she has a larger charm that will take two footprints (one for each of your girls!), or there are other options in other shops. Good luck!