Adoption of "Waiting Children"?

oliv0026

Hi everyone!

I have not been very active in this board, but I am always checking the posts here for new ideas and suggestions or just seeing what experiences some of you are sharing. For a quick intro; My husband and I have decided to go for adoption after trying for very long to have our own child. We always wanted to adopt at least one child, but never thought it would be out only choice. In anyway, we are very happy and excited specially because with the adoption process, you know that you will have a child at the end. Eventually, that does happen.

First we thought about infant adoption, but the more I thought about it, the more I got scared. We have heard planty stories of moms that were matched and at the day they were going to get the child, something happens and all of the sudden they are back to zero. I dont know how I would react to that. I can only imagine that is extremely devastating and I dont think I can do it.

We thought about foster to adopt. The idea was a child or two under the age of three. BUT then I thought about what the program really is. Our country really try their best to get the kids reunited with the birth parents. What if I was with the child/children for months and then the birth parents are able to get them back?

I think it is pretty clear I am terrified of losing my child... I want to have a forever child! My husband really wants to have a child...We want to complete our family so bad.

Anyway, now I just learned about the "Minnesota Waiting Children" program. Those are kids already available for adoption. There are some younger kids, but most of them are older. Then we thought and thought adn thought a lot about it. What if we adopt a child who is up to 6 years old? How would it be?

I would like to ask all of you if you have adopted an older child. How old was he or she? How was your experience? Was it extremely hard?

Are there any more programs you guys would recommend? 

In my heart, I believe that God is drawing our way to a special child. I know that somewhere out there, there is a child who needs us just as much as we need he or she. We just need to find wherever he or she is and we need help with that....

Thank you so much everyone and I cant wait to hear some stories and suggestions.

Dr.Loretta

Have you attended any orientation sessions, or informational sessions about adoption? I ask because it sounds like you've thought a lot about things but haven't necessarily talked to agencies or people who have gone through the different types of adoption.

Each type of adoption is going to carry some sort of risk or leap of faith. Just something to keep in mind.

oliv0026

I actually have had some informational meetings, but I also would like to know the experience if different people and I want to know what else is out there. I have talked to 4 private agencies, the county social worker, the LSS, and now KFF. I have not had a meeting with LSS as it is scheduled for Saturday and they are the one who brought up the Minnesota Waiting Children program,,,

CaptainSerious

My husband and I adopted two boys from Peru. My oldest was 7 when he came home, and my youngest was 5. They are now 11 and almost 8, respectively.

Adopting an older child is hard. These kids have experienced some level of trauma (even if that's "just" the kids off their first parents), and that's why they are in the system and awaiting families. They often have difficulties with attachment and exhibit behaviors through which they choir with their previous losses. They require a different kind of parenting and an extraordinary amount of patience from their new parents. They will push you to your most extreme limits and toy will likely take on they pain as your own before you finally break through and they are well on the way to healing.

It's without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's also the most rewarding. My boys are my everyday joy, and I am so blessed to have them.

If this is something you are seriously considering, I highly recommend you read Parenting the Hurt Child and Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families. In addition to these, there are some other great book recommendations in the FAQs. If you have any more specific questions, feel free to ask; in pretty open about our experiences.

JWinCT

My husband and I applied to adopt a young child (infant through 3 yrs) through DCF. It was important for us to go through DCF because my husband and his siblings were in the system and we want to give back. However, we were nervous about fostering for the same reasons you mentioned, especially because we are "older" (38) and already have two children. When we attended the required informational open house, where you actually fill out the application at the end of the session, we discovered that they offer "no legal risk" adoption, which means you are applying to adopt a child who has already been legally freed for adoption by the court. We immediately agreed that this was the option we wanted to go with, rather than foster to adopt. You still have to go through the foster licensing process, but you ultimately do not foster. And you still get to meet the child and get to know them before ultimately agreeing that it's a good match for your family. The downside to this is that these situations are not as common as foster situations, so there's a chance we may never get matched once we're licensed. And once we reach a certain age, we will likely withdraw our application.

I just wanted to share this because this could be another option for you to look into. Good luck with whatever you decide!

WatchmansMoon

It's wonderful to hear that you're wanting to adopt.  I know there's such a great need for children out there to have forever families, so I hope you find all the answers you need to receive that perfect child or children for you and your husband.  By saying "perfect" - you know what I mean.  Often these children have had trauma, and it takes a special couple and special parenting to raise them.

Here's a site I know of that will provide post-adoption support to you:  https://bit.ly/1rdtH0Y 

And I know if you get an older child that has experienced trauma in their past, check out the website of a Dr Karyn Purvis at https://bit.ly/1sJm5TI ~ where there are free videos online to help you.  

I pray you find your child/children very soon!  HUGS and blessings to you and your DH!

oliv0026

CaptainSerious - Thank you so much for sharing the experience  you had, I will definitely read the books you mentioned as they sound good.

JWinCT I actually just learned today on the orientation about that option! It sounds a lot like the Minnesota Waiting Children, but it sounds like the kids are from all over US. That option sounds way better for us and fits our needs better. 

Just as an update, we went to the meeting today and learned about our options. We will start the classes we have to take on September 11th and go from there. We have decided we are open to a child 0-6. I have in my heart we will find our son or daughter somewhere. I know we will.

It seems like I will be here in this group quite a lot now!  

oliv0026

BTW, I didnt mean to ignore the other posts. I want to thank all of you for the suggestions. They are all very helpful! 

thescreamqueen

We are adopting a waiting child from Korea...although he is a little younger and will be around 2 when he comes home.  We had the same worries as you about doing a domestic infant adoption and having the birthmother/parents change their mind.  We are very very happy with our decision so far.

If we decide to adopt another child, we will try to go through a waiting child program here in the US.  Please note there are also many children listed on AdoptUSKids.org.

muschke

I can't speak from personal experience, but friends of ours adopted 10 year old twins 3 years ago.  They echo what others have said on here - incredibly difficult, but also they wouldn't change a thing.  One book they highly recommended (as we are also seriously considering adoption) was "The Connected Child" by Dr. Karen Purvis. 

It gives some excellent and practical solutions to parenting children who come "from hard places" (as the book puts it).  The solutions are proved to make a difference and it shows how kids from hard places often need to be parented differently than a biological child.  It's great at providing hope and some more realistic expectations about what parenting an older adopted child will look like.

Knowing your limits and parenting style is important when considering how old to go with adoption.  Although, sometimes there are fewer surprises when you adopt an older child.  I know that our friends felt that their twins being the age they were helped because they were able to walk through things with the kids as opposed to little ones who are so confused and not as able to process what's going on. 

With older kids, there is also mourning that happens over the years you missed with them.

All the best to you!