NWMR - My 2 year old hates me

MickeyM04

I don't know what happened.  He was always such a mama's boy.  Then within the last week and a half, he literally just wants nothing to do with me at all.  I try to hold his hand in a parking lot and he swats it away and turns his back.  I try to pick him up and he pushes me away.  I try to give him a hug or a kiss and he throws himself on the floor/into the couch/wherever he can avoid me.  He keeps saying, "NO MOMMY!" and "I don't like mommy!"  On the other hand, he is ALL OVER DH.  He will run to DH to get away from me, bury his head in him, basically act like he needs DH to protect him from me (hiding behind him, etc.).  DH is being great at discouraging the behavior (e.g. when he tries to get DH to pick him up because I'm trying to pick him up/hold his hand/whatever, DH will refuse to give in to the behavior.  Like this morning, I tried to give DS a kiss good morning as he was sitting on the couch with DH, and DS buries his face in DH and starts screaming, "NO!  NO MOMMY!" at which point DH moved off the couch so DS could not use him as a shield and said, "DS, not nice.  Be nice to Mommy."  Which of course didn't work but it was better than DH scooping up DS like oh poor DS, mean mommy trying to kiss you.) 

I do not know what to do.  Part of me wonders if it's having a not-so-new baby that I'm nursing/spending significant amounts of time with, but the timing seems weird to me.  I mean DD has been around for 3.5 months now and this is just in the past weekor so he's been acting like this.  Also, now that both are in DC, I spend almost equal amounts of time with both, as opposed to when I was on maternity leave and I was spending all day with DD and taking DS to daycare and then spending significant amounts of time with DD when they were both home with me because she needed more time and attention than he did.  I know 2 year olds are weird, unreasonable, go through random phases, etc. but this is just killing me.  It is literally breaking my heart and I don't know what to do.  If it was a day, two days, whatever, fine, but it's literally been like a week+ of this and I am just getting so depressed about it.

I know kids go through phases but is there anything we can do to make this one end?  I can't think of anything that would "make him like me again," other than continuing to have DH back me up and not coddle DS when he's acting like I'm a terrorist.  I don't want to force him to like me or anything but on the other hand I cannot handle him saying, "I don't like mommy" and swatting me away whenever I come near him.  Any ideas?

[Deleted User]

2 year olds are illogical little beasts.  

I know this sounds silly but have you or DH asked why he doesn't like Mommy?  He may have a silly (to you) reason that can be easily resolved.  

DS would flip out over this one shirt we bought.  I mean total freak out.  We finally asked why and he thought the dog's collar looked mean on the shirt.  And that was that.  It seemed silly to us but was so real to him.

litzo27

Honestly, I would let it go. I know it's hard and hurtful but it absolutely is a phase and will end. And it's almost a thrill for them to see that they can get to you - I don't mean that in a bad way, just that a 2 year old can control so little that when he sees that he has the power to make mommy upset or to have mommy keep running after him he will receive gratification that he is able to make that happen. We have gone through these stages. Just keep calm and matter-of-fact about it. Hug him when you feel like it. If he pushes you away you can say: "You don't want a hug from mommy, right now? No problem. Let me know when you are ready and I'll always have a hug for you then." I think it's great that your DH simply states "We don't say mean things. We like mommy very much." but at the same time - this is the age when many boys finally start to bond with their dads more so I would encourage that and embrace that. Believe me - he will be back as your little mommy's boy soon enough on his own.

Mustardseed2007

My DS is like this too. He's is a total daddy's boy. Although he's never truly been a raving mommas boy, this thing of being totally into DH has been going on for a little while now.

My DH reacts like yours, he doesn't let him get away with saying mean things. Also DS doesn't say the mean things when DH isn't around-like if Dad isn't there then he's perfectly happy with me. And DS is also still cool with me doing the bed time routine (which I think is just because I always have done it, although he'd flip his shit if I tried to do bath time since DH normally does it).

I don't really know what it is, although things that have occurred to me are 1) DH is really fun to play with b/c he gives horsey rides and has his own action figures and does physically goofy things that aren't naturally what I think of when I'm playing with DS; 2) We also have a new baby and I was on hospital bed rest for 1 month; 3) I think DH actually gets more quality play time with DS than I do, we tend to spend our time together doing things that seem more like a chore.

DS tends to go through periods of warming up to me more, though, when we spend extended 1 on 1 time together. I'm actually taking Friday off since DS's daycare is closed so I'm hoping we're in for a warming up period soon.

ETA: Sometimse DS doesn't want to give me a kiss, so I say, "Fine daddy will give me a kiss" then after DH gives me a kiss DS wants to do it too.

MickeyM04

Thanks ladies for all the kind words and suggestions.  I think my biggest problem is yes, I take it too personally rather than just accepting that he's 2, and therefore, a little nutjob.  I never did think to ask him why he doesn't like me/want me/want to hold my hand/etc.  I don't know that he will understand the question/be able to formulate a real answer to it, but it's certainly easy enough to ask.

I think it's hard with his age because he's definitely not really old enough to "get" that he's being mean, that we don't act like I just threw acid on him any time I try to touch him, etc.  But yes, the swatting needs to be disciplined for sure, and he does get a warning and time outs for that. 

I am hoping it's just a completely random crazy 2 year old phase that he will grow out of soon but I just wish I could make sure it's nothing I'm doing wrong to trigger it.  I try to give DD to DH as much as possible so I can spend more time with DS and so I'm not literally holding or nursing or rocking DD every minute, but even when I do that, DS has a fit because he doesn't want me anywhere near him, he just wants DH, and he doesn't like when DH has the baby and can't pay attention to him.  I don't know if maybe we should try to do something fun just the two of us to reconnect or something, but like I said, I can't even get the kid to look at me without crying let alone actually leave the house with me and without DH, so that could be an epic fail.

This just sucks. 

[Deleted User]

My mom was the one who suggested I ask DS why he would get upset about things.  I didn't think he would understand but he surprised me.  Sometimes it took rewording or asking a little while later but it worked better than I expected.  

dashofreality

Try to look at the positive side - 1. he is bonding with your DH 2. he is taking this out on you and not the baby. My guess it is some combo of 2 year old whims and jealousy. Try not to take it personally. I know it is hard though because right now my 2 yo is all about his Grandma, wants nothing to do with me.

The one thing that DS still loves to do with me is roughhouse. Maybe try to do that kind of stuff a bit more when your husband isn't around?

MickeyM04

Yes, I suppose there are positives to this as well; he's never been closer with DH and thankfully still LOVES the baby (assuming that's what this is about).  I think I will try to plan something fun just for the two of us this weekend and brave the initial tantrum spurred by us leaving the house without daddy.  Bonus is that DH will get some time to bond with DD, who is basically either at daycare, on my boob, or asleep all the time.  Win win?

jtmomma13

I'm sorry. This has to be a horrible phase and one I am not looking forward to at all. While I don't have experience in this yet, I think everyone has offered some great input. I personally would try and spend some one on one time with DS. Sometimes a new baby will throw things off and maybe he's also just realized that the new baby is actually here to stay and he might be having some anxiety about it. But more than likely it's just a phase. I would also start asking why because like others have said, sometimes these kids just surprise us! 

Good luck and I hope your heart feels better soon!

MommyAtty

DD went through this about a month ago. And we have new babies about the same age. I really think it's the feeling of being displaced by the baby combined with not being able to express or grasp those emotions. She took about 2 weeks to knock it off. And she's still closer to DH than she was before, which is a great benefit.

TheBorg7of9

I would ignore the behavior. I would also not force hugs or kisses. Kids need to have control over their own bodies. I don't think it's ok to ever force personal contact.

[Deleted User]

TheBorg7of9 said:

I would ignore the behavior. I would also not force hugs or kisses. Kids need to have control over their own bodies. I don't think it's ok to ever force personal contact.

Agreed.  You can say "I am here if you decide you want a hug" but let them have that control.  

emberlee3

Yeah, DS has been like this off on an for a couple of years.  He just turned 5.  I mostly ignore it.  What helps is spending one-on-one time.  When he really revs up the daddy obsession, I know I need to schedule a mommy-DS date ASAP.  I also think it's kind of a test: if I reject Mommy, what does she do?  I let him know that I love him and I enjoy spending time with him, but I don't pressure him or negate his feelings.