Afraid and Ashamed Part II

Anonymous1220

My FI and I are considering non-invasive prenatal paternity testing.  I have looked around online but am not sure 1. How accurate it is.  2. Which company is the best to go with and not rip me off if I spend all this money for the test.   Does anyone have any information that could be helpful?  Thank you in advance. 

Anonymous1220

I am definitely asking my OB if they can give any recommendations.  I just feel like "scumbag" is going to be written upon my forehead every appointment after.  @raechay Unfortunately, $1000 + is the average cost I've seen so far for the non invasive testing.  Yes it's expensive but if it can confirm this child is my FI and we can enjoy the remainder of our pregnancy. I don't want to deliver the baby and FI not to be able to bond instantly because he wants to wait to make sure its his but I guess this is the price I pay for being stupid! 

Meether

Maybe you could call planned parenthood and ask for recommendations? I don't think your ob will judge but I know how you feel. Just remember you are doing the right thing and you should feel good that you are even looking for these services.

allfalldown14

Don't worry about your OB judging you. I asked mine about a paternity test(not because I'm unsure of the father, but because I don't want there to be any doubt by anyone in the future if he is his son or not), and she didn't judge me at all. Very professional. 

MaineMama

When researching the tests, make sure you check the legal applications of the testing. Heaven forbid that the child is not your fiancées, it would be a shame to have paid all that money and not have it stand in court in order to get child support from the father.

CandEChicago

You are handling this in a very mature matter. Like PP said talk to your OB and consider what legal standing the test may have (just in case). Hopefully this can address your FI 's initial concerns and (hopefully) bond with his baby.

Just in the off chance...who is covering medical & insurance (you or FI)? Do you have a plan in place just in case that should change?

JRod13

bvsbabymomma said:

Screw what your OB thinks of you. They have no clue what the story is. There could be all kinds of reasons for wanting the test. You're doing the right thing and that's what matters. How is it going with your fiancé? Did he come around? Are you working through this? I hope the test brings you both the closure you need and you can move forward.

This. You're not there to impress your ob, she's there to make sure you have what you need. You need this test. 

Cryssteen

I'll tell you what.  As a nurse who works in a private office, I can confidently say that you won't be judged.  You wouldn't believe some of the shit we see every day.  Don't worry about that.  It's more of a fear just to admit it to someone, I'm sure.  Ask you OB in confidence and private.  She will likely have recommendations and may even be able to do it in the office. 

Anonymous1220

@bvsbabymomma We've been through a roller coaster of emotions since Sunday.  He's happy I fessed up, angry, betrayed but loves and hates me at the same time.  He's truly a better person than I'll ever be.  He's going back and forth on actually getting the test done now.  Part of him doesn't want to know and just go on with life as if never happened.  He said he could deal with me cheating but I took away the joy in this pregnancy for him since he now has to wonder if he's the father of my child.  The best I can do now is just give him time to figure things out.  

He also wants to get a hold of the other guy and tell his wife, which is also freaking me out.  I know his wife deserves to know as well but I don't want to break up another family unless I know for sure this baby is not my fiancee's.  Plus, if my FI got a hold of this guy he's probably going to do something stupid...very stupid, which isn't going to make anything better.   I only have this man's number and facebook page. Both of which can be changed if my FI threatens him and then I lose all connection to him if I ever need to contact him in the future.  

We have a gender reveal party scheduled this upcoming week.  I'm not sure if we should cancel or go forward with it.  If we cancel indefinitely, my family and friends are going to know something's wrong but I don't know if my FI can be excited to find out the sex of the baby under the current circumstances and I don't want to put him through anymore pain than he already has to deal with. 

BayCamp

To echo what some of the PP have said, I know to you personally it seems embarrassing to talk to your OB about this, but they really won't even think twice about it. If you choose to get the testing done I assure you no one in the office will be judging you.

rshamos

Don't worry about what your OB thinks. Trust me when I say that they have seen WAY worse than your situation.

kwikwi8181

Prob not at the top of your concern list....but many jurisdictions won't care how great of a paternity test you have, if it ever comes up on court, they will order their own by an independent company.
My husband and I just wrapped a huge custody battle over his daighter from his first marriage. Long story short...she cheated and his daughter wasn't actually his. She did not share this info with anyone until his daughter was 3 and they were splitting up for other reasons ( since he knew nothing of the cheating of paternity until after his wife moved out and decided to shack up with mr. Biological...and throw a DNA test that he didn't know exsisted in his face in an attempt to get him to give up on his daughter)

Anyways....we went to court for custody and they ( the ex wife and the other guy) brought their DNA test with them in an attempt to make us go away. Final verdict-my husband ( who has parented his daughter since birth) was deemed the legal and natural father. And the DNA test was never even allowed in court-but the judge made it clear that if she had decided to test the paternity ( if a change in paternity was deemed in the child's best interest) that a NEW DNA test would be ordered by the court and performed by an independent lab that the COURT chose.

That being said....I hope things work out. I am very happy that you were honest with your FI. Coming from experience....the truth hurts...but it hurts a lot more to be lied to and decided for many years. And now the child ( In our case) has suffered through much more than she should have. If her mom had been honest from the beginning-things may have turned out quite different. The upside is that we have custody of this wonderful beautiful child-but there
was a lot of unnecessary trauma to get there!
Edited for typos....fat fingers. Sorry!

ColeyCannoli

Anonymous1220 said:

@bvsbabymomma We've been through a roller coaster of emotions since Sunday.  He's happy I fessed up, angry, betrayed but loves and hates me at the same time.  He's truly a better person than I'll ever be.  He's going back and forth on actually getting the test done now.  Part of him doesn't want to know and just go on with life as if never happened.  He said he could deal with me cheating but I took away the joy in this pregnancy for him since he now has to wonder if he's the father of my child.  The best I can do now is just give him time to figure things out.  

He also wants to get a hold of the other guy and tell his wife, which is also freaking me out.  I know his wife deserves to know as well but I don't want to break up another family unless I know for sure this baby is not my fiancee's.  Plus, if my FI got a hold of this guy he's probably going to do something stupid...very stupid, which isn't going to make anything better.   I only have this man's number and facebook page. Both of which can be changed if my FI threatens him and then I lose all connection to him if I ever need to contact him in the future.  

We have a gender reveal party scheduled this upcoming week.  I'm not sure if we should cancel or go forward with it.  If we cancel indefinitely, my family and friends are going to know something's wrong but I don't know if my FI can be excited to find out the sex of the baby under the current circumstances and I don't want to put him through anymore pain than he already has to deal with. 

I agree that it is not your FI's place to jump into someone else's relationship. Sounds like he really just wants to punish the other guy, which won't do any good. That guy's own indiscretion will come out eventually even if your baby isn't his and you definitely don't want to lose your ability to communicate with him yet. I'm really impressed with both you and your SO. I'm going to throw out counseling again as something you can both look into that might really help here. He might even need somewhere to go to talk to someone alone and work through all his emotions. But you are being very mature about this and I hope it all works out for the best for all three of you. 

And just to reiterate what everyone else is saying, your OB and nurses won't think twice about a paternity test like that. It's downright boring compared to some of the folks they see every day

Edit: Stupid mobile hates me.

Anonymous1220

@RaeChay‌ We did have the gender reveal party. We're expecting a boy

Anonymous1220

I wrote more to this post, I'm wondering why all of it hasn't shown up :-/

DoctorWorm222

@Anonymous1220, did you decide how to handle the paternity testing?

Annya26

Congratulations on a boy! Hopefully you are able to get the testing done soon to allow your partner to relax into the pregnancy a bit more and bond with his son! 

kwikwi8181 I'm really glad the courts saw him as the Father. How awful for both he and his daughter had that gone the other way! 

Anonymous1220

FI doesn't want to do testing until he's born.  As of now, we're going on as if it's his until we have a reason to believe it's not.  

Cryssteen

@anonymous1220 - how have things been between the two of you?  How are you?

Anonymous1220

Things are actually going great.  If anything this situation has really made my FI and I realize our love for one another and not to take each other for granted.  We've been trying to just continue on as if nothing happened.  Some days are better than others.  As my due date is approaching, I am getting a little nervous.  I know we'll definitely be able to carry on without any issues if this is my FI's son.  If the inevitable happens and I find out it's not his, God only knows what's going to happen.