XP: Goodbye

jbasore1123

I want to say goodbye here too in case someone here no longer lurks on the main board

Good morning ladies

I hate to start the morning off like this and I hate even more that I am even writing this. I gave in last night and I tested at 11 DPT (for any newbies that don’t know my story, it is in my siggy). Something in my heart told me it was not going to be positive and to test then so I wouldn’t have to go to work in tears or break my husband’s heart on our anniversary tomorrow when we get our beta. DH and I sat together and prayed before I took the test and afterward I was too scared to even look so my husband had the unfortunate honor. I knew by his expression that it was a BFFN. I knew then that it was over but he wanted me to take another test from a different package (since the other package had been sitting in the cupboard since April 2013) this morning. Yet another BFFN. I think that was the most painful part- hearing the hope drain in his voice and hearing his heart break from the umpteenth time.

I feel shattered and empty but at the same time, I feel normal. I’ve realized just how abnormal and foreign the idea of having a baby has come to be and I hate that I even have that feeling. I have so much anger at my own body. Before I knew that my babies were unhealthy so in my heart and head I was able to eventually justify those losses, but knowing that these embryos were completely healthy but that my body rejected and killed them... I can’t comprehend that. I was able to get pregnant with abnormal embryos, why couldn’t I get pregnant with healthy embryos?? I wish I knew what the future holds, but I know in my gut that it will likely be having to accept life without being a mother.

Like I told my check-in ladies this morning, after 16 months of being on this board, and not anywhere closer to getting my rainbow, I think it is best for me to step back from The Bump. We’re not sure if we want to pursue embryo/egg adoption (if we decide to go that route) and it will likely take us a few years to save up since we have drained our bank accounts doing IVF. I just know I’m not in a good place to give support. I probably haven’t been for a while and I apologize for that. You ladies deserve so much that I just can’t give right now.

For all those on TTCAL now and for friends that have moved onto PGAL and PAL, words can’t describe how much you mean to me. You’ve helped me through the most difficult times in my life and there is nothing that I can say that can express my sincerest gratitude. You’ve encouraged me when I felt hopeless and lost, you’ve understood and shared my deepest fears, and you made me a part of a community when I felt so isolated from the rest of the world. For those that have sent PM’s along my journey, I am so appreciative of you and all your amazing support. You ladies mean the world to me. I’m so thankful that I found this board and I truly, truly thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Please know that I will be thinking of you often and wishing you all the very best. My deepest hope for all of you is that you get your beautiful rainbows. You deserve them and so much more.

Smootiepie

((HUGE HUGS))  Please take care of yourself, and I truly hope you and YH can find some peace during this time.  It sounds so stupid when I write it out, but my advice would be to try and find things you can be thankful for.  Even if those things seem tiny or insignificant, enjoy them to the fullest.

And know we'll always be here if and when you're ready to come back.

luciddreamer106

I'm so sorry. This is so unfair and I hope that you can find some peace.  ((hugs)) There is no need to apologize for stepping back to take care of yourself.  You've been a wonderful and supportive board member during your stay here.

***Sig Warning***

MyFirstRaspberry

I sent you hugs on the main board.  I hope you remember to be gentle with yourself, you are doing the best you can.

anitaflora

I'm just lurking now and then now, so please forgive me that this is so late.... but I saw your post and just had to reply. I'm so sorry. You were such a support to me during my time on the boards. Please know you are in my thoughts and I'm wishing you all the best for your future. Sending you and your husband so very much love.