Anyone FF By Choice?

clumsyatheart

I'm sorry if the title seems a bit insensitive! I didn't know how else to word it.

Because of an abusive relationship (i'm a single mom. The father was abusive), dysphoria and trauma, I cannot and refuse to nurse. The thought fills me with panic and nausea and I freak out when anyone tries to pressure me into it. I thought I could pump exclusively, but with my future schedule, I am afraid of that becoming an issue, plus what my supply could be like, etc. I'm still getting a pump with my insurance and I'll try, but I feel really alone in this and because I'm leaning toward formula, like I'm giving up too easily and not doing what's best. I want to do what's best for my baby, but I also want to make sure I am mentally healthy.

Has anyone else made this decision because of body fear/dysphoria/abuse or because of other issues or just didn't enjoy nursing? I hope this post isn't offensive, too private or triggering in anyway. I just want to know I'm not alone and other people feel the same.

sambrownmac10

I was abused as a child and didn't feel comfortable with the idea of breast feeding but I let people pressure me into trying. I was completely uncomfortable the whole time I tried, I was so relieved when he had trouble latching.
If I have another I will be going straight to formula.
Do what feels right for YOU, not what everyone else feels what is right.
Good luck

JulyMumma

Please do what is right for you. I know lots of women who have formula fed from day 1. They are wonderful mothers with amazing kids.

JulyMumma

You might find this article helpful:

https://www.skepticalob.com/2014/02/hold-the-guil-new-study-finds-benefits-of-breastfeeding-dramatically-overstated.html

MommyAtty

With number 2, I chose to formula feed. I tried to bf for a few hours in the hospital and realized that I was just as frustrated as the first time around when meds I was on prevented me from developing adequate supply. Then they ended up switching my meds to something that wasn't safe for the baby. (It was a high blood pressure issue.) But the second time around, I just went "screw this. I hate it. I'm not bonding with my baby. I'm resenting him. I bond better looking in his eyes as I feed him a bottle." There is absotively nothing wrong about choosing to feed your baby in the best way that will allow you to bond and ensure your baby is getting proper nutrition. Formula does that.

harmonicbabe26

JulyMumma said:

You might find this article helpful:

https://www.skepticalob.com/2014/02/hold-the-guil-new-study-finds-benefits-of-breastfeeding-dramatically-overstated.html

Thank you!!! Love this!!! 'The benefits of breastfeeding have been dramatically overstated and it is time to correct our advice to mothers to reflect the real benefits of breastfeeding, not the imagined super
powers that simply don’t exist.'

Basically the only benefit of BM is that it is free BUT ONLY if you don't need to invest in supplements and pumps to maintain/increase supply. Because I will tell you that while my DD got every measly drop of BM my defective boobs produced for 7 months, it came at a very high cost of buying supplements and pumping like a maniac. And that in addition to buying formula. So it's not so free as they would make it sound...

rmbrjry

I'm so sorry for what you have been through OP. I did try to BF w/my first, despite feeling uncomfortable with it. It failed and pumping was a nightmare, but I tried it because I felt I needed to. With this LO I plan to FF right from the start. I know what I feel comfortable with and wish I had listened to myself with my first. You need to do what's right for you but forcing yourself to do something you resent does not make for a happy mommy. Good luck

MommyAtty

OP- Something else is that if you're panicking about breastfeeding and have known mental health issues likely to be exacerbated by breastfeeding, then you have health issues that are preventing you from breastfeeding. Mental health issues are health issues. Period. I hate that we make a distinction, as if my need to take blood pressure meds is more important than your need to deal with dysphoria. It's no more important.

aashley5

Link removed by mod.

clumsyatheart

Thank you all SO SO much! Your comments have made me feel so much better and i am currently looking at formula brands to try! I feel so relieved and actually comfortable researching formula, as opposed to BF. i can't thank all of you enough for your support. Hugs to all of you.

Most of the women in my family, from grandmothers to aunts to my sister and my mom FF. Should have trusted them!! My mom chose it because she was told formula was better by her doctor. She didnt know anyone in the 80s who chose to BF.

Also @harmonicbabe26‌ and @aashley5‌: thank you so much for the links. @aashley5‌: beautiful blog post!!! I had no idea babies could have stomach problems! Thank you for sharing this with us

clumsyatheart

Did anyone experience any extreme pressure to BF at the hospital after labor? One thing i'm terrified of is the pressure by nurses and doctors in the hospital. REALLY don't want to tell them why i've chosen pumping and formula.

MommyAtty

clumsyatheart said:

Did anyone experience any extreme pressure to BF at the hospital after labor? One thing i'm terrified of is the pressure by nurses and doctors in the hospital. REALLY don't want to tell them why i've chosen pumping and formula.

I was worried about this too, and I gave birth at a hospital that is trying to be certified as an uber-breastfeeding Mecca. Turns out I had nothing to worry about. They asked, I told them I was formula feeding, they asked if I was set on that, then followed that question with "I'm asking because if you are, I'll note it on your chart so you aren't asked another dozen times." No pressure, no judgment, no issues, no questions. If anyone does ask, just say, "The baby's father and I have jointly determined this is what is in our family's best interest." Anything further and I would just say, "Your opinion is noted. Thank you. I'm secure in my decision." But I will HIGHLY recommend you do skin to skin contact. That is the very, very best. It feels so fabulous to have that warm, squishy little body next to yours, and there are tons of studies showing that's good for bonding and for the baby's health. (In fact, some hypothesize that it's not the milk that helps the baby... It's the physical skin to skin contact.)

clumsyatheart

@MommyAtty‌: thank you so much!! I am extra freaked out because i'm a single mom and i won't have a partner there to kind of back me up and cut off arguments, etc. I also look very young despite being close to 30 and i'm on medicaid (yay for not finding an awesome job with benefits after college!) so i've noticed that some nurses treat me differently in this area, ESP the nurses on the medicaid nurse line (who basically commanded me to BF), which is a bit nerve wracking. My mom, who formula fed and is very forthright and awesome, will be there though and maybe i can authorize her to speak with me and help me. I'm horrible with confrontation, so i'm 6 months along and already scared!! Hopefully this hospital will be okay.

Skin to skin is so important, thank you for emphasizing it! I will def be doing it. I'm really excited for it actually!

FinallyHappy84

MommyAtty said:

OP- Something else is that if you're panicking about breastfeeding and have known mental health issues likely to be exacerbated by breastfeeding, then you have health issues that are preventing you from breastfeeding. Mental health issues are health issues. Period. I hate that we make a distinction, as if my need to take blood pressure meds is more than your need to deal with dysphoria. It's no more important.

This. 

Thank you so much @MommyAtty for making this statement. I wish people, typically outsiders looking in and passing judgement, would stop separating mental from physical health because everyone needs and deserves to be balanced. 

fiscally3

I chose to formula feed from the start with both of mine - for me breastfeeding just seemed weird.  I didn't get any pressure to breastfeed both times (I got more pressure to use a pacifier!)  

I'm sorry to hear about your past - the fearless formula facebook page is an excellent resource and has a private group.  There are women in that community who have been through similar experiences and you might be able to learn from their experiences how to handle the hospital (and anyone who tries to push you.)

ConversationFear

clumsyatheart said:

Did anyone experience any extreme pressure to BF at the hospital after labor? One thing i'm terrified of is the pressure by nurses and doctors in the hospital. REALLY don't want to tell them why i've chosen pumping and formula.

I am nervous about this too as I have heard that the primary lactation consultant at the hospital I am delivering at is pretty forceful about it. (And this info was provided by friends who DID BF). My DH knows I don't want to, and my mom and MIL are 100% behind me on this so, at least I know she will have a lot to answer to if she does get too much in my face about it.

As for the original q - I never had any interest in BF-ing. I asked DH his opinion (yes I know ultimately they are my breasts, but if we are going to jointly have to pay the extra expense for formula, I wanted his opinion at the very least). He pretty much told me it was my decision and he would support whatever I wanted to do. I think my biggest reason I wasn't interested is because my mom had a really hard time with PPD and she was also physically not able to BF right away because of BP medicine she was on after I was born. When she tried it made her emotions an even bigger mess and I was already happy with a bottle, so she felt like people tried to make her BF for no reason. She finally gave on the whole thing and stuck with a bottle, and never felt bad about it. I had no interest in trying to put myself in the same stressful boat, especially if there is any truth that PPD is hereditary.

 

clumsyatheart

It's so weird, no female in my family has breastfed! Not my gran, my mom, my sister, aunts, etc. My gran and mom were extremely discouraged from BF, so i am super surprised when i hear about someone from my generation having been breastfed. My gran, mom and aunts didn't know anyone who did! I have heard that BF was treated back then like FF is treated now. Funny how that works

And @ConversationFear‌, i am super scared of the lactation consultants and nurses too! I hope stating that FF is our choice from the beginning might help? I am a really shy, private person and don't want to go into detail about my various reasons!!! It isn't anyone's business why we want to FF anyway, right? hopefully we'll have good experiences!!!

Dumbgurl04

SO sorry about what you are going through. 

First thing you should do is not feel bad if you don't breastfeed.  It's not for everyone.  I for one am going to FF from the start.  I just dont' feel like breastfeeding is for me plus I just feel really uncomfortable about it.  You should look into the book Bottled Up also the writer of the book has a blog https://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/  you should check it out.  Don't feel bad you do what's right for you and your child

ConversationFear

clumsyatheart said:

And @ConversationFear‌, i am super scared of the lactation consultants and nurses too! I hope stating that FF is our choice from the beginning might help? I am a really shy, private person and don't want to go into detail about my various reasons!!! It isn't anyone's business why we want to FF anyway, right? hopefully we'll have good experiences!!!

Does your hospital's website have a birth plan form you can print out and fill out? We are doing that. There is a section that asks about BF, FF or both and a whole list of options you can check. I will fill that out, and tell the nurses when they ask again (because they probably will) and roll with it.

DTNZ4Ever

I'm sorry that you have to go through all that. I FF from day 1, the thought of BF freaked me out and made me anxious. FF was a great decision for us. Both DSs were FF from day one. Ds1 is a smart healthy bonded 5 years old. Ds2 is bonded to his family 5 month old.

zoeylove

I formula fed from the very start by choice..it was a decision I don't regret...no one pressured me or for that matter made any negative comments  ... I didn't even try breast feeding ... nothing about it made sense for my personal situation.  good luck and do what is best for you.