hello ladies

mommabear06

Hey everyone, I am writing this here just to get some advice from some ladies who may have been in my shoes. First off to make a long story short I was married young and had two beautiful children and got divorced. I am now remarried, 3 years July 19th, and have a new baby and a step daughter. Now for the part that I am having a hard time with. I was awarded sole legal and sole physical custody of my two children in the divorce decree but he was given supervised visitation and there is no support order. I have not heard from my ex husband in 6 years and my children do not know their biological father at all. My kids both have disabilities also. All of a sudden this last week I hear from my ex that he wants to get to know the kids now that he is remarried and has a new baby. I am waiting to hear from my lawyer on this aspect. I don't know what to do at this point. Do I have to allow him visitation after all these years? what would you ladies do? Thank you in advance

lmtrmama

I am feeling like I might have the unpopular opinion, but I would say no.  At least at first.  You have taken care of your kids for all that time and he needs to show that he is not going to disappear from their lives again.  Does he live close to you?  

It is possible that he really did just grow up and maybe having the new baby made him have a change of heart about his own kids, but I would want to make sure for the kids protection!

mommabear06

We do not live close, it is a 4 hour drive. I can't figure out what his motive is but I do not want to allow this, he is unpredictable and I do not think it is fair to my children to disrupt all that they know and confuse them for him to decide in a week that it is to much work for him. I am going crazy... my attorney is out of state until Monday.

bayside14

Yes. Allow him to see the kids. The order was supervised visits in the first place so you tell him he can drive 4 hours and you'll meet him at a McDonalds near your house. I know it's not what you want to do, but the second you withhold visitation, you've done wrong as much as him and you're on even playing fields should he take you back to court.

On another note, he is your children's father. Like it or not. If there is a chance to salvage your children's relationship with their parent, and you don't let it happen out of fear (rightfully so, believe me I understand!), nevertheless, you aren't doing right by your kids.

Lastly, kids are resilient. If he pops in for one visit and disappears again, they will handle it better than you might think. Good luck!

ambrvan

How specific was the visitation/supervision order?

Personally, and take this with a grain of salt because you should not do anything without consulting your attorney first, I would send him ONE response detailing the steps you require to reestablish a relationship between him and his children to work toward visitation. And I mean to the letter. If your children already see a counselor, tell him you have to consult the counselor first. But come up with a plan for phone calls, letters, Skypes, etc before a face to face visit is set up. As long as there is a date of future reconciliation and an agreement between the two of you on paper (no more phone call communication, everything needs a paper trail - email is great), then you should be fine.

But in all likelihood he sounds like the kind that will never follow through and probably not even contact you again after this. Maybe one or twice more, but I bet if it's not easy for him he won't make the effort.

Best of luck to you.

hopanka

Typical. New wife is in the picture, and now all of a sudden there is interest in your kids from his end after six years. It's obvious it is not coming from the father. Don't do anything until you have to. Talk to your lawyer.

mommabear06

Thank you ladies for your advice. I'm waiting for my lawyer to call me back but am also taking ambrvans advice to write up exactly how things will proceed if this doesn't pass. I am also thinking its the new wife that's pushing him.

SueBear

I would not allow him to waltz in and out of the children's life as he pleases.

Set up the conditions for re-establishing contact.  Start with phone calls / skype / facetime.  Then allow him to drive 4 hours for supervised visits.

Could be now he wants to play happy family now that he is married, but could also be that he wants to cut down on CS and the way to do that is to establish visitation.

mommabear06

We do not have CS... I may change that though if this continues

cole2144

Well there is your first mistake. Go for support and bank it for your children if you don't need it.

KTdidit

After 6 years I would have a hard time letting him see them like nothing happened. How old are the kids? Have you said anything to them about this yet? I find it odd that after 6 years he has any rights but I suppose if your DH had no interest in adopting them there was nothing to be done.... Go for support first off for sure. Honestly after he sees that he might not want to come back around

mommabear06

Its not that I didn't want a support order it is just how it was determined by the courts when they did our child support review in 2009, they determined that because he wasn't working and I was that they were not going to award any child support to be paid. he never works any actual jobs so I can't prove that he is working and I didn't know where he was. Ironically we are in the middle of my husband trying to adopt them under an absent parent step parent adoption, but my ex does not know that as ti has been 6 years since I have heard from him, my DH and I got married 3 years ago. I have not mentioned this to the kids yet, I am not sure that is a good idea as they do not know him.

SueBear

Not sure what the rules are, but ex is no longer absent.  Could it be that he was notified?  

Do you have the $$ to hire a lawyer?  Tell your ex that you are going to take him to court for support unless he signs the adoption papers.

FYI, support and visitation are two entirely separate things (meaning, he could not pay support but still be entitled to visitation), but your ex might not know that.

If you know ex does odd jobs and doesn't report his income, it might be worth it to you to take him to court with documentation that he is hiding employment.  And see if you can be awarded back support.