I can't tell if I am hormonal, resentful, or what! Need advice please!

lmtrmama

Hello!  I have a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship and my fiance and I are expecting our first child together in a month!  My daughter's father and I went to court when she was 1 1/2 because I would not let him see her unsupervised due to his drug abuse.  We agreed to Wednesdays and every other weekend, which at that point I knew he was never going to use.  I was correct, and he has never once used his visitation as it is written.  He went to rehab last year, and again this year and left after 9 days.   After his most recent stint in rehab, he decided that he would start taking her every Wednesday.  He has done so since April, but she started crying and wanting to come home most every time. One day, he dropped her off at school reeking of alcohol so strongly that they called me and asked me what they should do.  I feel that he has been taking her to try and hide the fact that he cannot stay sober. Also, almost every day, she will ask my fiance to please be her real dad. My ex and I get along quite well, and have had several conversations where I explained to him that he was absent from her life for so long and so inconsistent, that it is going to take time for her to be comfortable.  Most recently, he watched her on a Wednesday and dropped her off with one of his coworkers for two hours!  I don't know what to feel.  I feel pain for my daughter because she gets so affected and upset about having to see him.  I am angry at myself for being irresponsible and putting my child in this position.  I am angry at her father.  I want him to either be clean or allow my child to have a normal life and not have her tossed into the middle of his drug and alcohol abuse.  I know that I could take him back to court, but a bigger part of me knows that I have to let life unfold itself and that maybe someday he will take good care of her.  It just breaks my heart because when she is at home with us, she has two loving parent figures and a normal routine, and then one day a week she gets tossed into some confusing situations.  

+just+j+

Stop letting him see her. Next time he asks, calmly say sorry, no. I highly doubt he will take you back to court. If he does, I hope you've been documenting.

bayside14

Second PP. I would be primarily concerned about DD's safety. Explain to him why you cannot let her be alone in his care, tell him his only option is to come visit her at your house under your supervision. If he wants to take you back to court, he can. He'll lose.

silverwings72

Sounds like he is drinking and driving with your daughter in the car. It's time to start protecting her life and stop hoping he will one day figure it out. He will quit when he is ready and the negative consequences outweigh the positive ones. Until then offer him a chance to see her on his days with you there to make sure he is clean and sober. If he is driving her around, and dropping her off with strangers, who knows what else he is doing with her?? There is nothing wrong with healthy boundaries when your daughter's safety is at risk.

SueBear

I would put an end to his visits now.  The time he dropped her off reeking of alcohol is enough to put an end to the visits.  Also, if he is an addict - who knows what kind of crowd he is hanging around.  I would not want my children around strangers and addicts.  

I fully believe that divorced parents should let go and allow the other parent to parent - but NOT when that other parent has poor judgement due to substance abuse.  

The change in your daughter's behavior would also trouble me.  I would make sure she gets counseling - at least in school, to make sure there is no abuse (negligence = abuse) while she is visiting dad.  Hanging around a drunk is scary for a child.  This is not healthy.

Make sobriety (ie: completion of rehab, not showing up to your house sober) a condition for any visit that is not supervised.

mccall0113

How in the world did the school not report this to child protective?

lmtrmama

Thank you everyone for the advice!  I haven't been on in awhile....I am just glad to hear that I am not being crazy and that my gut Mommy instincts are right!  And @mccall0113....I do not know why they did not report it...it seemed strange to me at the time and was one of the reasons I switched her schools

mrsroylong

Honestly stop letting him see her. What if one day he's driving her around drunk and they get into an accident? Let your husband be a father figure to her. She doesn't have to call him dad. Do what's best for her. He's obviously an addict and until he really gets his life together he's putting her in danger. Good luck!!!