Becoming a foster mom.....

Lacyj67

So for almost three months now I have become a foster mom. It just hit me the past few days that I don't feel like i have been enjoying and celebrating becoming a new mom like I thought I would. Yes I love him... Yes he's everything to us and more. I love being his mom... It's the most amazing bond. Yes we want to keep him and that's where the fear creeps in. How do you fully let it go and just revel in the newness or is that forever robbed from us because we are going through this different than other new moms? We have the fear of this not being our forever child and as much as I don't worry every minute that he will go back I just want to love in the moment and love being a mom... But will I be HIS mommy forever... We won't know that until next year. Just had to get this out.... See how others dealt with the day to day love of being a foster mommy!!

lorifromwi

Lacy, I'm sorry you are going through this.  I can understand where you are coming from, as having to give up little E is our biggest fear (that and a mouthful of poop from a diaper change gone horribly awry). 

I wasn't sure how I would deal with it when we got her and so far I've been pretty lucky, I'm all in, but we also know there is a 99% chance she's staying with us.  I think knowing that our birth parents have been through the system before and have other children who have been adopted is helping us move forward.  That said, nothing is 100% and if something were to u-turn and look like reunification...I'm going to be devestated and so will my whole family. 

We've also been pretty lucky in that the BM has been MIA for the past two weeks, so we haven't had to deal with visits. I met BM at the one visit that happened and it felt so wierd to be handing over "my" baby to this other woman and saying "here's mom".

I hope you find a way to let it go and enjoy your bundle of joy fully.  Either way if something happens it will be tough to deal with, so you may as well let it all go now and get all of the joy from this part of the process.

Do you have a local foster group for support?  I know that's been a big help to me.  If not and you want to PM about anything, I'm happy to chat.

WatchmansMoon

Aww, hugs to you, Lacy!  So sorry you're struggling.  It's so understandable that you'd feel this way.  I'm not a foster parent but I have the greatest respect and admiration for you and those like you.  Bless you for all you're giving this little guy, and I do pray you can be his forever mommy!

 

mindaa

Nothing personal to add, but I've been reading a ton of books on blogs on the subject in preparation for starting the process.  I thought this blogger addressed your question very eloquently:

To jump into the world of foster-to-adopt, a person must be absolutely fearless, and find within them a certain measure of faithfulness. Faith that this situation will turn out the way it is supposed to, and that I will have the strength to live with the result, no matter what it might be. This is the advice I would give if someone asked me now. You must be fearless enough to live in the moment, and love with all you’ve got -- these children deserve this because no child comes into foster care without some sort of painful history. Fearless, but faithful, faithful in a way that means you might not end up where you wanted to be. 

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/18/foster-to-adoption-process_n_2496567.html 

Chele

In training we were told to treat the children like they are our own, so that is what I have been doing. However early on I was fantasizing about the future and being a permanent mom to them and when I realized our situation would in all likelihood be reunification, I was disappointed. I think living in the moment and not looking ahead my be a better mindset, but we are on our first fosters and I don't know if you can stop yourself from looking ahead in those early days. 

sugardumpling

I too felt the same. I have no idea what the future has in store but we love our child and savor each moment with him. It almost feels like each permanency hearing and service plan meeting is one more expiration date to get through. The bond we have is incredible and I can only hope and pray the best possible outcome happens for him. Even if it means not being with us.

smwrocks420

Just wanted to offer support and say I've been there (and still am).  We brought home our daughter when she was 4 days old.  At 15 months our case still has an unknown future.  I'll say, I think my emotions have been all over the place.  I find I get really anxious a few weeks before we go to court and then level out after that.
I second trying to find a foster support group local to you, my group has been invaluable to me.  One of the other moms gave me a bit of advice that has worked for me.  She said that she sets small goals between court dates.  So, if you know your child will be with you for the next 3 months, set a goal that will help improve that child's life.  Since I have a baby it's been little things, like in the next 6 weeks I'll get feed my daughter her first food.  It's helped me live in the moment more and not focus so much on what the future holds. 

Lacyj67

Thank you that was some helpful advice from all of you. I find I do have up and down moments but I do really enjoy day to day life with him and I'm so happy he is with us. He's not going anywhere anytime soon. Jan is our court date for what's to come next so I wil try to keep it together until then!