I just can't anymore...

MrsSinner402

Guys, this nursery construction is stressing me out TO THE MAX. My main reason is that if I'm not managing what DH is doing, he won't get things done in a timely manner because he has ADD. He gets distracted by something and goes off track from his original goal. So, if I'm not back there and telling him what he should be doing next, the project will take twice as long as it should. The example is tonight: He's been back there sanding mud for over an hour. I popped in to see how it's going (I would love nothing more than to be in there helping with all of this, but breathing drywall dust is a no-no, even with a mask is risky), and he's all frustrated because the mud along the ceiling isn't dry. Yet, he's still trying to sand it and it's causing large chunks to come out. And he knows it's wet, yet he's spent most of his time back there in a vicious cycle: sanding wet mud, a chunk comes out, get pissed off and yell obscenities (which I also hate because we have very close neighbors and all the windows are open and it's SO TRASHY to scream out fuck and other things..). So when I pop in, I tell him that it's fine that it's still wet, we can give it more time to dry, and to move on to what we CAN get sanded tonight, which to me is complete common sense, and this is where I get so frustrated. DH doesn't think this way. He doesn't plan ahead and manage projects the way I do. Guys, in the hour and a half he's been back there, he has only sanded half of one wall. Because he ran into the ceiling issue and just stews about it rather than going "ok, I'll move on and get done what I can tonight". Half of one wall is one eight foot seam and about 10 screws. I've sanded a lot of drywall in my day, and there is NO reason it should take this long... I know this thread probably makes me sound like a slave driving notch, but I'm stressing beyond belief because I CANT DO ANYTHING in that room to make it go faster, and we have SO much more to do in there... ceiling, carpet install, paint, trim, furniture assembly, everything... I told him earlier today that I appreciate everything he's doing for me and bebe. So tonight when I suggested moving on to the mud that he CAN sand because it's dry instead of getting pissed that the ceiling stuff is still wet, he made the comment that "for being appreciative you sure don't show it". So I asked him, what would you like me to say? Do you want me to kiss your feet? I don't know what else to do.. I can NOT just sit back and let him do the work without managing it. I simply cant, because it will NEVER get done on time that way. It's just not how DH works. And that's ok in other aspects of life, but when there's a project that I can tell he's not excited to jump into each night that has a deadline, it's not ok. If I could, I'd be in there the second I walked in the door from work, doing as much as I could until it was time for bed. I'm sure N14 will probably come over and linky my thread because I sound like a terrible wife, and feel/sound like a slave driver, as DH has already stated once. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I rambled so much here that a lot of this probably doesn't even make sense..

TL;DR version: I am helpless when it comes to the nursery construction, and if I don't keep a schedule for DH to follow, the job goes completely awry and will never get done on time and I hate the feeling of not being able to do ANYTHING about it.

:-<

Saragoeswest

I don't think I have any advice but I'm sorry y'all are stuck in this really frustrating hurdle. Maybe you could help him write out a plan and timeline? Not sure.

MrsSarahRenee

Saddest face ever for you. I can completely empathize. What is it with boys and one track mind? If something isn't working, DH forges through until he 1.)has a tantrum 2.) breaks something. Drives me nuts.

I am sorry this is so stressful for you. Are there other smaller projects that you can focus on so as not to feel useless? I hate this useless feeling right now!!

golfingdarwinfish

Sorry you're so stressed.  ((hugs))

Can you sit down with him and construct a day-by-day plan, or sit down together every evening and outline what will be done the next day?  I feel like you either need to help him organize beforehand, get him additional help (friend? relative?) that could help manage the project and execute the work, or, and I know this one is hard considering what has happened thus far, let him own the project and be responsible for completing it by a specific time. 

Could he possibly feel like he's being micromanaged, causing him to get more stressed, make more errors, etc.?  if someone came into a room while I was working and told me I wasn't using common sense, I don't think I would react well.  I also don't work well if someone is looking over my shoulder constantly - it makes me very edgy and defensive.  He's obviously taking your comments very much to heart, and can sense your frustration, and it may just be compounding his own emotions, causing him to lash out with comments such as calling you a slave driver.

Conversely, if you can afford to, can you hire someone to complete the project?

persephonerose

Is there any way you can make it more enjoyable? Maybe throw an impromptu remodeling party, have some friends come over who can and are willing to help. Grill some burgers/hot dogs. Supply beer.  And make a list of things people can help you guys do. That takes some of the stress off the deadline and gives YH some help.

LaDyBostonRN

MrsSinner402's DH. I hear your frustration. DH is actually the opposite but I grew up with a dad just like that lol. I'm probably going to say the opposite of what everyone else will say which is to keep on slave dr-running the show, and insert occasional compliments "You're doing such a great job, what about this dry part over here"?

Good luck girlfriend. 

TheOtherJacobsons

How frustrating! I know that you want this done more timely, but honestly, it doesn't have to be done for a while yet. He's also made so much progress! I know it is probably stressing you out though. I don't really have advice for you other than to trust that everything will all work out and if it doesn't get done by when you want it done, you'll find another way to make it work. 

I have done zero work on the nursery. We don't even have furniture yet. I plan to have her in our bedroom for the first month or two, so to me it isn't as urgent. Not sure if you plan to co-sleep at all, but at the very least, you can have your LO in a pack n play until the room is perfect!

Hang in there lady. Hopefully you can work it out with your H so that he feels appreciated and you still get what you want. 

onelilroo

I'm sorry you're so frustrated. He's obviously frustrated too. I know when my H and I are both frustrated we tend to take it out on each other. I understand how horrible it is to feel useless.

pnwlover12

Would incentivicizing completion goals for BJs be a possibility? Lol.

I'm sorry. It sounds really stressful, I'd be so irritated.

BeckyH05

I'm sorry you are stressed about it. Big hugs to you. Can you draft out an agenda or timeline together to help him stay on track? Good luck with everything.

heatherjeanp

Like you, I would be stressed out and trying to manage the project - particularly in light of the ADD he has. However I would suggest backing off at this time because it sounds like he is reacting more to you and possibly pressure than he is using common sense. If the speckle isn't dry, he's going to fuck it up. Then he will have to apply another coat and wait for that to dry and sand again. Let him do it his way for now, even if he messes it up because at least you can say (even if it's not out loud) that you let him take charge of the project and try it his way. He won't have you to blame for rushing him. It sounds like he is going to have to fix the spackle anyway, since he keeps messing with it when it's wet. Do something else that you can control, and give him a bit of space. The room will be baby ready one way or another.

At least you're not in my shoes...my baby's room doesn't exist yet because we are under construction and probably won't be until Christmas. All I can do is go with it. It's all going to be fantastic once it's done, and our kids won't even care - it's for us.

I'm not diminishing your stress at all, I promise - I do get it. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you soon!

lrobi13

Sorry lady. I have no suggestions. I live like 3 minutes from a home Depot that has workers for hire in the parking lot so I would probably go get some "help" but that would send my DH through the roof.

Hang in there and try and fluff other parts of your nest that aren't under construction.

vrj0522

I'm so sorry you are feeling frustrated! Sounds like he is trying but is not really accomplishing the goal so I see nothing wrong with jumping in and trying to help. Some people need it, even if they don't like it. I hope he was able to get more done before the end of the night. 

victoria+james

I feel your frustration... the ONLY thing that DH is supposed to do in the nursery that he refuses to let me help with is paint it. Not only that, but it has been ready to paint since day 1. I have picked colors, priced out all the painting accessories he would need, even have offered to do the taping for him (he said no). Needless to say it is STILL not painted!

I told him the other day that I'll just do it myself for LO's 1st birthd because I know he won't have done it by then anyways.

Oh... and let's not forget that he's currently unemployed. Lack of time is NOT sn issue here.

Sorry your DH just can't get it together, especially since your project isn't just for aesthetic purposes

MrsL2B

I kind of get your frustration. I dated a guy with ADD for a couple of years who just could not focus on things that I thought were really important (like studying and not failing out of college), but who would fixate on certain things in a totally different (and seemingly interminable) way that I could never understand. Is there a way you can refocus him without being so obvious about it? Like bring him a smal distraction like a snack or drink, and then don't say a peep about what he's doing wrong. It sounds like he realizes the mistakes he's making already. I'm sure the room will be done in time and be beautiful!

MrsSinner402

First, I love you all. Thanks for your kind words and suggestions. I'd love to just pay someone to finish it but we're kind of beyond that point. And as far as bringing in help from friends or family, its sort of at a weird stage where they'd come help sand for a couple hours and that's it. And DH refuses to ask anyone for help.. I know when it comes to the crib, I'd like to help him assemble that. And I will help prime and paint with a mask on. Its just this stupid drywall hurdle we need to get over so I can start doing things in there, too.

ETA spells

ohioloveyou

That sounds incredibly frustrating!  I don't have any awesome advice, but have a virgin daquiri:

Edit: or not, it won't show! :-(  Sowry. Hugs.

MuffinMom14

Dude. I just had an ugly cry episode last night with my husband. We sound alike, and our husbands sound alike.

My friend is coming to stay with us this weekend to take our maternity photos. Our house is a wreck, because I can't be bothered to clean anymore. I HATE this. I am VERY particular. But he sees the same stuff I do--the full recycling bin, so the recycling is piling up on the counter, the dirty counters, the floors that need vacuumed. He could do it. He doesn't. He literally does not see things that need done.

I cried because I said "I pay all the bills, I organize everything, I clean, I have looked into daycare, pediatricians, wills, and bought everything for this baby. What have you done? What will you do once I'm home from the hospital and not able to do a lot for at least a few weeks?"

He's all "tell me what needs paid," but. Sigh.

bumpuser10309732

Everyone has really good advice so...lets hug it out 

Did he finish last night? Or just continue to pout about it?