NWMR: When you're the toxic friend...

bumpuser10331514

Does anyone have that friend who was your friend during the years that you were (maybe) a (slightly) toxic person? They stood by you during those years, but then they let you go after that even though you weren't toxic anymore? It's been 7 years since I talked to that friend who I still miss and value immensely. I feel so foolish for taking his friendship for granted. I just sent him a friend request on FB. Probably shouldn't have. Especially b/c I unfriended him three years ago, b/c I had attempted for the four years prior to contact him and never got any responses. My sent friend request just now makes me feel like I'm still making poor, irresponsible, undisciplined choices that affect others without thinking of them first. Point being - how do you know if it's you who sent a friend away or if the friendship just faded and you just feel guilty?

FWIW: there's no romantic attachment here. There were many times over the years that I so wish I had had even one iota of romantic feelings toward this great guy, but nothin. Nada. No deniro.

You guys are going to want the goods on what I did to the poor guy, aren't you?

Edited: forgot the title

2-Step

I have a friend that I let go who was toxic. She may very well be a great person today, but I'm not going to put myself in the line of fire to find out. Especially since I now have a family and other priorities. I barely get time to spend with my wonderful amazing friends, so I can understand why someone wouldn't want to go through the motions of trying to repair something with someone who wronged them. This friend has been Facebook friending me lately and, although I am slightly curious about how she is doing, I just can't bring that drama into my life again. Move on and take it as a lesson learned, there are many people out there you can connect with now that you are no longer toxic, take that experience as a learning one and take his hint to leave him alone. By continuing to reach out you really are potentially dredging up things he doesn't want to think about and therefore, being kind of selfish by continuing to do it after he has not responded. Good for you for realizing what you did wrong, now make it right in future relationships and move forward. 

KayteeGee

Also if it's a male friend, maybe it wasn't all you being toxic, maybe it was that he realized other feelings were never going to be reciprocated and he had to end it in a clean break and not look back.
That's what happened to me.  I still miss a friend dearly but for him, friends wasn't something he could do any longer and, like you, I never had any other feelings for him... He watched me get married and then he disappeared.  He tried.  I know he did, but he had to do what was best for him.  Still makes me sad.
Anyway, just wanted to say that might not be something you need to feel guilty for...

bumpuser10331514

Here's the history. He was a friend in high school. For senior prom, I decided I'd either ask my crush or I'd ask someone who would have missed every homecoming or prom unless someone asked him. My attempt to schmooze my crush fell through, so I asked him and it was fantastic. I had a great time. Of course, I got totally smashed afterwards and he dropped me off just in time for me to run to my toilet. That about sets the stage for the college years, also. 

He stayed a friend and contacted me often. I was into parties and kind of annoyed b/c he did develop feelings for me. I blew him off a lot, but near the end, I was a bit more mature and enjoyed hanging out with him. The guy is brilliant, and I don't mean that in a subjective way. He's philosophical, aced organic chem and went on to get a PhD in the stuff. Now he does experimental science for a huge company using chemistry and physics to make sh!t happen. He is also very talented musically, wrote poetry, painted... just an amazing, amazing guy. And, unfortunately, horribly unattractive.

The stuff hit the fan when I was a junior (in college). We spent a decent amount of time together that summer and think I hit on all of his friends and his brother (literally). Then we were hanging out at a bar I was working at for the summer and I started getting flirty with a douchy DJ. It tore him up, he begged me to let him take me home, I told him no, and sent him home. When I got into my car the next morning, I found a poem he had written for me, a tape with a song dedicated to me and him playing a song on the piano that he had composed, and a note confessing his feelings. I didn't respond. I was going to a camp as part of an internship and, being insanely hungover, I was rushing out the door when I discovered it. And no cell phones back then - not that I would have called... My general tenor with his crush was to be deeply annoyed by it.

So I don't remember much what happened after that - I think we probably didn't talk much (at all) until after I graduated. I was back home for awhile and we became friends again. Great friends. I talked to him about everything. I think he still had feelings, but he was very good about being friends. I was done being toxic (I think...). He had gone out of state for grad school and we discussed my even moving out there and going to school or finding work. As friends. At this point, I wanted so badly to be attracted to this guy, but it just was not going to happen. I did suggest that we be each other's back-up plan and get married if neither of us had someone by the time we were 29 (apparently life ends at that age...).

He met a girl. Communications ceased. Coincidentally, I ended up going out there for law school and was within a short drive's distance. I met my boyfriend (now H) early in my first year, and we would go up to go see him and his girlfriend (now W) every once in awhile. After we all graduated, we managed again to still be in the same general vicinity. She never really liked me. 

I was invited to their wedding and then I never heard from him again. I got a very late invite and my H wasn't invited. I always had the suspicion that they had agreed that I could come to the wedding so long as he never talked to me again. And for four years after that, he didn't. None of his family talked to me at the wedding. I felt a little shunned. His wife was very quick to come and go. I sort of felt like I was some kind of hussy, even though I could not have been more happy to see him getting married.

I've always felt guilty about how I was when I was younger and I tried to apologize to him twice, but they were such crappy apologies. Heartfelt, but I was so embarrassed that I couldn't articulate what I was really apologizing for and I don't even know how much he knew about me hitting on his friends (and brother). Nothing happened by the way, with any of the friends, the brother, or the douchy DJ. Well wait. I kissed one of his friends briefly in a car, but that was it.

That said, my toxic period lasted about 3-4 years. We were friends and became great friends for about 7 years until the wedding. Maybe it was just his wife feeling insecure and not wanting me around, or his family thinking I was trash and not wanting him to be around me, or maybe he found I was just someone he knew once during a different time of his life. Either way, I would so like to be in touch with him - even peripherally. And maybe I need a little validation that I'm not being punished for being a shitty person, or still being viewed as being a shitty person.

Ya know what I mean? What was my original post about? So not WMR...

KayteeGee

I don't think you sound toxic. I think you sound like you were young (at the time, not now).
BUT  - You need to let him go.  He obviously had much deeper feelings for you than you were able to reciprocate.  Seems like everyone saw that but you (which is prob why you felt kind of shunned).
So let him go.  You're happy, he's happy... quit beating yourself up for being young and know that people come in and out of your lives for reasons.

dglvrk2

If your H was in your situation, how would you feel if he kept trying to contact an old friend like yours?

I, for one, would not be stoked.

You're both married. If both of you were single, attempting to rekindle this friendship seems more socially acceptable. Since there were romantic feelings on his end, let it go.

Like some PPs mentioned, don't dwell too much on your mistakes. You were young and you're human. ;-)

umma4babes

I don't think you were toxic. I think we all have somebody like this in our lives... He's moved on and made it quite clear, whatever the reason. I think you should respect his decision and cancel the friend request.

Virgo17

I agree with PPs.  It sounds like you were young and had some growing up to do.  He probably had a hard time getting over you and needs to maintain some distance for his own emotional health. Plus, you are both married.  I think it's time to move on.  If his wife knows the history of your relationship, she probably doesn't feel comfortable with the two of you being in contact, and he needs to respect that.