WWYD: Nanny/Daycare Dilemma

KayteeGee

Ladies -
Help. The plan was to leave DS (3.5) in daycare and get a nanny for DD (due 9/3).
But last night we realized we'll be spending close to $50k for this arrangement - about $32k for nanny with taxes and overtime - we need 50 hrs week at least to cover jobs and commute and the rest goes to DS daycare.
We could do it without impacting anything but "bonus" savings (ie - vacations, cars, home remodel pots), but it feels like a lot.
My fear is that I don't want to disrupt DS more than necessary and take him out of a stimulating environment  to make him sit home with an infant.  And I don't know (honestly) what options there would be for them to get DS adequate stimulation etc... with an infant (I know people do it, though - right?)
This expensive arrangement would only be needed for a year, until DS can go to the PreK by our house (in which case we would NEED a nanny to take him to/from - walking distance! - and watch him after school and DD all day).
So tell me: WWYD?

1. Would you suck it up and spend the money for a year?
2. Would you pull DS out of daycare and have nanny handle both?
   
3. Would you just put DD in DS daycare (he didn't start daycare until 8 months and was never at this center as an infant, though we do like the Center as a whole) and save the $$?

I'm utterly lost.

PSU_Texan

The nanny rate seems right, it's the cost of your preschool that seems high.  Could you put DS in a 3 day/week MDO type of program? 

KayteeGee

PSU_Texan said:

The nanny rate seems right, it's the cost of your preschool that seems high.  Could you put DS in a 3 day/week MDO type of program? 

I think I'd have to do that if I pulled him out, right? Have to give him something... is it horribly unreasonable to ask a nanny to make that trip with an infant?  I mean, it's what I'll expect next year, but DD will be a year old...

Also, he is in daycare full time - and it's a LONG time... so maybe that's why? it's also a fancy center (we are really happy there - they have a culinary program, a computer lab etc. etc...)

PSU_Texan

If you find something nearby, then not a big issue for your nanny to do drop off and pick up with an infant.  When our nanny started, I was PG with DD2 and DD1 was 3 going 5 mornings a week to a school.  She could handle it all.  Now our nanny handles pick up for DD1 (1st grade) and drop-off/pick-up for DD2 (PS 3 days/week). 

What I would suggest you ask your self is the following:

Are you expecting to need a nanny full-time from here on out?  Meaning, when both kids are in more traditional school (K and older) will you still use the nanny full-time or would you hope to find someone just part time to do pick up, etc.  Many people don't really think this through and then either have to let the nanny go after a short stint or don't really know what to do with her while kids are in school.  We've just decided that we will always need someone full time until the kids are 16.  There are too many school holidays and summer break for us to not have a nanny.  And we hired with that in mind. We wanted someone for the long haul.  She is transitioning more to a house manager during the hours when both kids are at school. 

I suggest thinking about this because hiring a nanny is effort and if you don't think you'd use her past 1 year then I'd recommend using day care for both.

KayteeGee

That is a good question.  I think we will want to keep someone full time - but that decision for us is at least 5/6 years out - until DD is in first grade.  We are sending to a private school that does not do "full" day K.  So even if we change our minds, I need a full time nanny for much more than a year.

MickeyM04

Me personally, I would put DD in daycare.  50K is wayyyy too much money for childcare, even for a year.  That's just my thought though.  I also just have never generally seen the point/benefit/what have you to doing two different childcare options for two different kids.  What's good for the goose is good for the gander sort of thing I guess.  But I mean honestly you should just do whatever you are most comfortable with.  If you are uncomfortable putting DD in daycare then it's probably worth the extra money for you to be comfortable. 

*sparky*

I would hire the nanny but look for a PT preschool type of environment for your DS.

KayteeGee

MickeyM04 said:

Me personally, I would put DD in daycare.  50K is wayyyy too much money for childcare, even for a year.  That's just my thought though.  I also just have never generally seen the point/benefit/what have you to doing two different childcare options for two different kids.  What's good for the goose is good for the gander sort of thing I guess.  But I mean honestly you should just do whatever you are most comfortable with.  If you are uncomfortable putting DD in daycare then it's probably worth the extra money for you to be comfortable. 

Thanks. You make me feel not crazy.  My friends acted like I was crazy to think that this was a lot.

It's not that I'm not OK with Daycare.  I admit to not being comfortable when DS was born because I didn't have any experience with it, but it has been GREAT for DS...

This is really about ME.  I am so overwhelmed at the thought of packing up two kids every morning, of the laundry, the bottles, the pump parts .... I am SO OVERWHELMED with the thought of all of it plus the sleep deprivation, the pumping (and stress that will come with the fact that I just KNOW I will have to fight for supply - again).  So I thought a nanny would be best for ME... And I'm literally buried and dying in work right now with 4 weeks to go and a key employee who just resigned.. I feel like crying.

OMG. I'm so dramatic today.

That's bad, right???

shannm

If you plan to have a nanny next year to shuttle to and from preK, then I vote to suck it up. If you weren't planning to need a nanny next year, then I would put both in full time daycare.

TheBorg7of9

Personally, I pay the money for nanny and daycare. I did the math and two in daycare cost about as much as nanny+daycare. And DS1 is already learning so much at preschool -- potty training, please and thank you, etc. I just think of it as temporary. Also my nanny is such a huge help to me.
on your question above, Yes, I have my nanny take DS1 to preschool and she has to bring DS2 along with the neighbors baby. I think it's reasonable. I agree with the suggestion to try to find cheaper preschool program or other enrichment programs like little gym or something. You may also look for a nanny share or an in him daycare.

KayteeGee

TheBorg7of9 said:

Personally, I pay the money for nanny and daycare. I did the math and two in daycare cost about as much as nanny+daycare. And DS1 is already learning so much at preschool -- potty training, please and thank you, etc. I just think of it as temporary. Also my nanny is such a huge help to me. on your question above, Yes, I have my nanny take DS1 to preschool and she has to bring DS2 along with the neighbors baby. I think it's reasonable. I agree with the suggestion to try to find cheaper preschool program or other enrichment programs like little gym or something. You may also look for a nanny share or an in him daycare.

Sadly it doesn't for us, it'd be about $30k for two in daycare and about $47k to do nanny for baby and leave DS in DC... it's that $17k I'm having a hard time getting over.

soo... you and the PPs are likely right, I should try to find a cheaper preschool or something maybe.

I wish we lived closer to daycare.  I wish our private school had a prek for 3 yo!!! ARGH.

KayteeGee

PrivacyWanted said:

I'm in the, why not send both to DC camp.

Maybe there's a hybrid. I mean, I get the "omg how the hell do I get two kids out the door" stress. Been there, done that  So maybe you could hire a mother's helper  to help in the mornings, or evenings?  When DH travels I have one of our DC teachers come in the evening to help me occasionally.  And I know another mom had the same DC teacher come in the mornings to help her get her 3 out the door.  

thank you.  I kind of needed to hear I'm not the only freaking out about this.  I mean, this is a super planned (IVF!) baby but I still am in a mild panic about how the heck I'm going to make this work.  And I have been THE WHOLE TIME I've been pregnant.  Which is sucky.

Mothers helper is a good idea.

KayteeGee

Thanks EVERYONE for the ideas all-around.

I'm one of the only full-time working moms in my circle and sometimes I ma absolutely a fish out of water with my own friends and it can be really hard to get objective realistic answers.

*sparky*

@KayteeGee - I had a lot of the same reasons for wanting a nanny. My DH leaves really early in the mornings, and sometimes stays out of town, and the thought of getting everything packed and two kids out the door I later than 7:30 on my own seemed way too daunting to me. I know people do it but I really don't know how.

I still say a nanny plus PT preschool for your DS is the best option for now. The nanny can take him to and from (or just pick him up if you can drop off on your way to work) and it should be a lot less than keeping him in FT DC. Or could you even drop the DC to a couple of days a week so you are paying less but he is still getting the stimulation and learning that you want him to have?

When searching for nannies try to focus on those that have nannied for multiple children before. She should be able to handle both of them, especially if it is not full on 5 days a week with two kids. Most of the nannies I interviewed (including the one we hired) do charge a slightly higher rate for two kids vs. one but it should not be too much of a difference.

traveltheworld

I only have one right now but am TTC and have already decided we'll do nanny and 5 mornings/week pre-school for DS. I figure by the time you factor in lunch and nap/quiet time, half-day vs. full-day pre-school won't make much of a difference in terms of learning and social interactions. The plan is that we'll drop DS off and hopefully find a parent from the same class that'd be willing to drive DS home so that the nanny wouldn't need to venture out everyday for pick-up with an infant.

emberlee3

We used a nanny share for DD for a year, while keeping DS in full time daycare. It was expensive, but the major benefit was that DD didn't get sick as often as DS did in his first year. Also, when he was mildly ill he could stay home with the nanny.

MickeyM04

You'd be surprised that it can be easier to get 2 out the door than 1.  With DS, somehow we were never out the door before 7:00 a.m., and we never made our 7:30 train.  Now, we make the 7:30 train every day and are out the door by 6:45 a.m.  We just have a better system in place now.  We pack everything up the night before so it literally just needs to get put in the car (lunches, DD's bottles, DS's snack, our work bags), which DH does while DS watches TV with me on the couch as I nurse DD.  Then when DD is done eating, DH gets DS's shoes on while I strap DD into her car seat, and we get everyone in the car and go.  Now granted, if you don't have support from YH or SO, I could see where this would be a nightmare to do by yourself every day, but even then, you can still make it work.  ESPECIALLY if at the end of the day you still need to get your older child out the door anyway.  I would either get a nanny for both if your concern is getting everyone out the door, or do DC for both.  But if at the end of the day you still need to get your older child out the door, having a nanny isn't going to be that much more helpful.  Honestly, DD is a lot easier to get out the door than DS.  I strap her in her carseat, and we go.  DS we have to fight about getting his shoes on, his jacket, then he's ready to go and he's trying to get out the door before DH and I have our shoes and stuff on, so we're wrangling him up while we try to get ourselves out the door, etc.  The least of your problems in the morning will be getting a small infant out the door, trust me. 

cedenton

Agree with PPs.  FT nanny and PT pre-school or 2 in daycare.  17k is a LOT of money and in this case an unnecessary expense. I think the FT/PT option is totally normal for nannies and they wouldn't bat an eye at doing the drop off/pick up with the baby.

MommyAtty

I was exactly where you are now in terms of panic. My kids stay with their grandparents, but I was willing to go from free family daycare to paying a FT nanny just to avoid getting them out the door in the morning. But really, after the first week or so, it wasn't hard at all. So I would either do the nanny for both (with a part-time preschool option) or both in the daycare.

litzo27

I'm in the same position and chose to spend the money (although less - about $40,000/year) and have DD with a nanny (same nanny we had for DS2 until he went to daycare at age 2) and have DS2 continue at daycare. We did switch him to 4 days a week when DD was 5 months so now he hangs out home with them one day a week.

My reasons for this arrangement were:
- importantly, this does not put a strain on our finances. So I can focus on other considerations:
- I want DS2 to continue daycare (he is about to turn 3). I like his daycare, we don't speak English at home so I want him to keep working on it there. On different days they have different activities.
- Our nanny doesn't drive so if he were home he would really be home. No playground/library, etc.
- I want DD at home till she is 2 because I want Russian to be introduced as a primary language and because I do prefer the 1 on 1 attention (and she gets plenty of socialization with her brothers).
- I love having a nanny because I don't worry about time off for sick kids (with 3 that's a serious time chunk I would have to figure out arrangements for). And because our nanny is beyond awesome and helps out in many ways.

Maybride2

No way would I pull a 3.5 year old out of full time daycare if he was doing well and enjoying himself.  Especially with a newborn in the house, don't take all of his normal routine away.  With preschool right around the corner, I wouldn't even consider taking him out of a structured environment that he's already so used to and replacing it with story time at the library a few times a week.  

Getting 2 kids out of the house is way easier than you think it will be.  Honestly.  Especially with the age difference you have (mine is similar).  And maybe you just didn't go into enough detail, but I'm not sure how the stresses you mentioned will be any better with a nanny vs daycare.  You will be sleep deprived no matter what.  You will have to pump no matter what.  The only real difference will be getting bottles packed up and ready the night before and getting the baby dressed and in their carseat the morning.  Neither of those things will take long to get the hang of.  

ebp913

We just went through this.  I found that finding a daycare that makes life easy for us works great.  We bring a big pack of diapers like every 2 weeks.  They provide all food.  I bring in 5 outfits on Mondays and that's it.  Literally. No bags to pack, etc.  Drop offs could not be easier.  We had a nanny for 17 months before we started daycare last week and I'm really really happy with it. Honestly, it's easier having my kids out during the day and not worrying about the nanny being sick, requesting PTO, needing to leave early, etc.  

KayteeGee

Maybride2 said:

No way would I pull a 3.5 year old out of full time daycare if he was doing well and enjoying himself.  Especially with a newborn in the house, don't take all of his normal routine away.  With preschool right around the corner, I wouldn't even consider taking him out of a structured environment that he's already so used to and replacing it with story time at the library a few times a week.  

Getting 2 kids out of the house is way easier than you think it will be.  Honestly.  Especially with the age difference you have (mine is similar).  And maybe you just didn't go into enough detail, but I'm not sure how the stresses you mentioned will be any better with a nanny vs daycare.  You will be sleep deprived no matter what.  You will have to pump no matter what.  The only real difference will be getting bottles packed up and ready the night before and getting the baby dressed and in their carseat the morning.  Neither of those things will take long to get the hang of.  

Thanks.  The bolded is exactly why the plan was to do both.  The idea of disrupting DS' world even more makes me feel sick to my stomach (really).  And he is doing SO good at DC.  Everyone tells me how smart he is, how bright he is (I'm sure they say that to everyone, I'm not saying he's the second coming of Einstein or anything) and I want him to stay stimulated.

We looked into a 3 day program that's 5-6 hours/day that's kind of near our house, but nanny would still have to do drop off and pick up and it's really only $5-6k difference annually.

I don't mean to sound snotty but the money is really not the issue so I'm thinking I'll just suck it up and do both for a year.

KayteeGee

ebp913 said:

We just went through this.  I found that finding a daycare that makes life easy for us works great.  We bring a big pack of diapers like every 2 weeks.  They provide all food.  I bring in 5 outfits on Mondays and that's it.  Literally. No bags to pack, etc.  Drop offs could not be easier.  We had a nanny for 17 months before we started daycare last week and I'm really really happy with it. Honestly, it's easier having my kids out during the day and not worrying about the nanny being sick, requesting PTO, needing to leave early, etc.  

I totally hear you on this.  DS was at home until he was 8months and then went to DC and it was great for us.  The issue is, pre-solids - even the bottle packing and cleaning feels like a tremendous load... KWIM?  If we weren't planning on sending the kids to school just around the corner starting at pre-k I'm thinking we would transition DD to DC at some point, but we are happily committed to this schooling situation.

KayteeGee

litzo27 said:

I'm in the same position and chose to spend the money (although less - about $40,000/year) and have DD with a nanny (same nanny we had for DS2 until he went to daycare at age 2) and have DS2 continue at daycare. We did switch him to 4 days a week when DD was 5 months so now he hangs out home with them one day a week.

This is an interesting thought... thanks!

KayteeGee

MickeyM04 said:

Honestly, DD is a lot easier to get out the door than DS.  I strap her in her carseat, and we go.  DS we have to fight about getting his shoes on, his jacket, then he's ready to go and he's trying to get out the door before DH and I have our shoes and stuff on, so we're wrangling him up while we try to get ourselves out the door, etc.  The least of your problems in the morning will be getting a small infant out the door, trust me. 

Ha. Yes, you have a point... DS can be a real charmer sometimes in the morning.   I just remember all the STUFF I had to bring when DS was little...  And, while I really am a daycare fan (and do worry that DD may not experience it, honestly) I still feel some comfort in knowing when she's super tiny she'll have someone dedicated just to her....