Tolerating frustration

nomadica

I posted on this not too long ago, but we're still dealing with significant issues with frustration tolerance with DS (4yo, ASD). Not only is this incredibly grating on us as parents, but I'm concerned that this is a socially isolating behavior. For example, we were out riding bikes with some neighborhood kids last night, and DS was struggling to ride his bike effectively (even with tons of our assistance), so he was screaming. The other kids looked like they just didn't know what to think. We've tried everything- ignoring, social stories on frustration, losing privileges when he engages in yelling, reducing frustrating activities (though this gets impossible after awhile). Anyone dealt with this effectively??

funchicken

DD1 doesn't have an ASD diagnosis (ADHD, SPD), but she does have a low tolerance for frustration. The thing that has finally started working for us is to calmly tell her that we can't help her if she's yelling and screaming. Before we started doing that I think we were reinforcing it by responding to her because we didn't want it to escalate.  Now we make her calm down before we try to help.  

Once she's calm, I'll often push her to do the thing that she finds frustrating because I want her to get a handle on her emotions and work through it.  When she succeeds I praise her.  I also praise her if she tries and fails but stays calm. The next time we encounter a similar situation I remind her of a time when she succeeded with something hard.

Four was a tough age for us with this, but 5-6 has been a lot better.

MirandaHobbes

nomadica said:

 Anyone dealt with this effectively??

Deal with it? Yes. Effectively?? No. Just minutes ago I got off the phone with a pysch's office complaining that we've been on a waitlist to see them for like, almost a year. I need strategies, asap.

Ditto PP that punishing doesn't seem to help. Only encouraging, praising, or sometimes ignoring. He had a teacher for part of the year in kindy who was really good at being patient and helping him through frustrating moments. (She has an adult son with HFA so she's BTDT) She said that whenever she saw him start to get upset but then "swallow it" or try to get over it she made a big deal of praising him and even gave him a little treat- like extra choice time. DS will cry at the drop of a hat with the slightest hint of frustration, anxiety, or disappointment.

Your example of the bike is great though- it's good that you keep encouraging him to ride his bike even though he finds it frustrating. After several summer of us prodding and cajoling him to ride his bike I kindof let it go this summer. Last night was Neighborhood Night Out and our whole block was out, with kids racing bikes up and down the street. There were 3 year olds riding without training wheels!! And DS didn't even have a bike to ride, I got rid of his too-small bike.

kcisthebombdotcom

Dd likes empathy so I get to her level and over exaggerate my facial expressions/tone, speak slowly and say "oh no! I understand that you're sad/angry/whatever". Sounds silly but it works.

blondegirl74

I don't know that we have dealt with it effectively or not, but frustration tolerance has gotten better now that he's 5. When DS would get to screaming out of frustration we would go to him and either help him take deep breaths or keep reminding him to use his words instead and then we could better help him. I my self have a low tolerance so this has been a learning experience for all of us!

shopgirl78

MirandaHobbes said:

nomadica said:

 Anyone dealt with this effectively??

Deal with it? Yes. Effectively?? No.

This and I'm not sure there is one thing. Remaining calm sometimes works. Reminding him that he is loved, cared for when things are calm (because Thats his defense when he doesn't get his way, "u don't love me."). Sometimes I lose my shit and that works. Time out works in the moment but doesn't prevent. I do try to lessen triggers but its not that easy. Physical stuff and math, he gets. Our daily reading is where he loses it mostly and things that don't go as planned.... I keep hoping he will outgrow it but he's almost 7.

nomadica

Thanks, all- you guys rock.

We have tried validation- he can know tell us when he is feeling frustrated, but it hasn't seemed to reduce it. We also do not help him when he is screaming with frustration. This often occurs when he is using building types of toys- if the Legos or whatever don't do exactly what he wants them to do, this is usually where he freaks out. We do a LOT of praise for when he stays calm- we were out with the neighborhood kids last night (on his scooter instead of the bike), and he did awesome staying calm whenever he fell, and he was highly praised for this.

Auntie- we have actually taken away some of his building toys because they were causing so many problems. Would you suggest not doing that and just letting the frustration happen? I'm hesitant because I feel I have no effective strategy for dealing with it. Perhaps just keep on with the validation? We are reviewing his social story on frustration daily, perhaps that will help.

I don't think DS has much ToM at this point, in that he doesn't really seem to care what the other kids think of him (though he is interested in them and likes being around them). He is pretty good about listening when I remind him not to engage in behaviors his peers find off-putting (getting too close, copying what they say), when he is frustrated, he really can't hear anything.