Trying to Be Happy for Someone Else (**warning - BFP mentioned, not mine**)

meredithcarole

So while I do know the feelings are normal, I can't help but feel a little bit selfish and horrible right now.  My best friend sent me a text last night that she has an "apple seed" (i.e. is 5 weeks pregnant) and my ttcal response was to type "congratulations" back and then collapse into a crying, self-pitying heap on the floor.  She is the one I have been afraid for the past 2 months was going to get KTFU before I got a shot at my rainbow.  So here I am experiencing self-loathing for being so unhappy and for partially wishing she could have gone one more month without her BFP for my sake (selfish much?).  I know it is awful and I am trying to be happy for her, but it is really hard right now. MH doesn't really understand, saying that it has nothing to do with us - and he is right, but that is not how emotion works.  I was so happy when she cancelled our dinner plans tonight lamenting that they are now broke because I am not sure I could have put on a brave face all night.  

tlc35

I am so sorry and know exactly how you feel.  My H's friend and his wife recently announced they are expecting and I think they had to do IVF.  I still felt a stab of jealousy/unhappiness and then felt terribly guilty that I was upset when they had been struggling a long time and finally were successful.  My H doesn't seem to understand these feelings either and we both know they aren't logical but the feelings are real.  Try not to beat yourself up.

meredithcarole

Thanks @tlc35.  ((hugs)) to you for your situation.  

hooligans4

Hugs to you.
Your emotions are valid and real. It is tough to hear of others pregnancies especially after a loss. Take a step back from your friend if it bothers you too much, but be honest with her with your reason. I hope it gets easier for you.

meredithcarole

Thanks @hooligans4‌. I am trying not to beat myself up too badly. Admitting my feelings here helped me cope. I bought stuff to make her a bit of a tongue in cheek "early pregnancy" survival basket - Nutella, chocolate, ginger ale, stool softeners and hemorrhoid cream so I may drop that off to her this weekend. Otherwise, I will be glad they are feeling the new homeowner money strain as it will give me a few weeks to put my big girl panties on before I have to be social.

lcwed

I am so sorry about the situation.  The feelings are are completely understandable.  I am so fearful of our first staff day back and someone making a BFP announcement, especially because that would have been close to the end of my first trimester and would have been telling soon.  Everything about this seems unreasonable.  I am fine with seeing pregnant people, babies, and u/s pictures, but cannot bring myself to drink the left over ginger ale I have.  I'm hoping if someone at school is KU then I will be okay with it and can just gift them the rest of the ginger ale.  The survival basket is a great idea. 

URMySunshine77

I'm sorry that you are having a rough time with the news. I would do what you need to do, esp. if you want to wait to get together with your friend. Your survival kit is really sweet and funny.

meredithcarole

I am feeling a lot better since I got to talk about it with you all. Thanks for "listening."

MARISAV77

I'm betting 99% of us on here have felt the same way atleast once in our journey to conceive! I felt the same way after my best friend got pregnant with her first, I was happy and sad at the same time. Then one of my friends at work gets pregnant the first month after getting off of BCP, and I'm like "why can't I be that lucky!" My hubby keeps telling me our time will come soon and to stop stressing! I swear he is the only one that I don't want to punch in the face when people say that to me!

meredithcarole

FX for you this month @MARISAV77‌!

KirstenAlecia

Yeah i think everyone here understands this. In the same boat here.....with our friends its going to be hard....cause this couple.....the husband.....he is a gusher. he gushes NON STOP about every new thing in their life. We have been dealing with it since he got engaged, then married, then when they bought a house, when they got a puppy, and then a second puppy and now it will be this......and then it will eventually be the child. Hubby and i have been dreading this day.....jokingly. Oh they got married a maybe a year ago......less i think...so its been non stop. He is lucky we love them.....

hugs. I bet it gets easier for us at some point right???

meredithcarole

@KirstenAlecia‌ I certainly hope so.

lgsdesigner

A similar situation happened to me when I was TTC my daughter. My good friend got pregnant first (we were both trying at the same time), and she was going on and on and on about being sooo happy and gushing about baby stuff EVERY day. Luckily for me, I got pregnant a month later, but that entire month before listening to her talk about babies really struck a nerve with me and made me very green with envy.

The happy end result news? She had her baby a month before I had mine, so it was more exciting for me to have the 'newer' newborn.

Hang in there...your BFP may be right around the corner!

kelley72

I think (almost) all of us have experienced a similar feeling/situation.  Your emotions are, to me, normal and very understood.  It is possible for me to have multiple emotions for the same event, happy for other person and sad/hurt/jealous/angry even.  Be kind to yourself!  Best wishes for you!

travelnut11

Everyone has made some great comments so far and while my journey is fairly new, one thing I keep reminding myself that makes me feel better is that every woman I know who has set out to become a mother now is one whether it was by birth or by adoption.  Several of them had very challenging journeys and one in particular has a horrific history of losses. She just had a healthy baby 3 weeks ago.  So while some women's journeys are short, others are a little longer but we'll all get there in the end.  Hugs to you.  We all understand how you feel.

Davie813

I definitely know how you feel.  It sounds like you're being a really good friend--just be sure you're doing what you need to to take care of yourself, too!

mindaa

Yeah, I've had to realize that I can't always just "rationalize" away my feelings. (as much as I try!) I have to first allow myself to just feel/wallow in whatever it is I'm feeling, and then I can move on past it. 

meredithcarole

I am definitely feeling better about it 48 hours out. I dropped off the basket today and only almost cried once. Thanks again, ladies. I am so glad we have each other for support.

crankstergangster

I'm right there with you.  I'm sorry you are where you're at.  I had these two great friends at work - lunch together and told each other everything - then I started MC'g and they turned all mean girls on me.  Quit inviting me to lunch, etc.  So I ditched them (hey, I've got lots of great friends, don't need crappy ones too).  I just found out they are both prego.  Due together.  How effing cute huh?  Then, the next day I found out my BFF was prego.  First month trying.  I was so jealous but tried to brush it off.  But then she called me a few days later (and she knows I've had 3 losses in the last year alone), and all she did was bitch about her symptoms.  Really?  Why oh why she thought I was the best person to go there with....anyway, I totally get it and I'm so sorry.  Hugs...

meredithcarole

Wow, @crankstergangster‌. That was rather harsh of everyone. ((Hugs)) to you.

kindershlitz

Hope today you're feeling better.  It's a rough road and sometimes news/comments can hit you at any place any time. 

Virtual hug!

KirstenAlecia

I too hope today is better.