Maybe I spoke too soon about the hormones?

brazenbiblio

Just got into this big fight with DH. 

Background- I have wanted to have a baby since before it even made sense for us. I have always felt like I couldn't talk about it with him because we weren't really anywhere close to trying. Every since we started he has not really been into talking about children. The kind of talking I've been dying to do - picking names, wondering about personality traits, etc. Since we began treatment I've been hoping that he would make that cross over into wanting to talk about it more and be involved like I am. Whenever I bring it up though he just says "I don't know" or "I never thought of that". I just feel like I've waited so long to be excited about having children and doing these things. I feel like he'll never be ready.

Usually I would be able to see his side but today I just couldn't though I know we process these things differently. I just feel by myself in this and he should be as into it as me.

LindseyM2012

I'm so sorry this subject turned into a fight.  I can imagine how frustrated you must feel right now!  

I know this won't make it better, but it might help to keep in mind that men just don't communicate the same way women do.  Now of course I don't know him and your relationship, but just because he doesn't want to talk about it or may not think about children all the time does not mean he isn't invested.  I see from your siggy that your diagnosis is MFI.  That can be incredibly emasculating to a man, just as an infertility diagnosis can be a major threat to a woman's femininity.  Again, I don't know him, but it is possible that he feels like less of a man that his guys aren't making the cut and he doesn't feel ready or comfortable to talk about it.  Avoidance is an incredibly effective defense mechanism.

Regardless, I can see how you feel alone in this, and I hate to hear that.  I'm sure other women here can give more insight into ways they may have handled the MFI situation well.  I know you want to feel connected with your husband on this issue, but maybe he's not in a place to address the possibility of babies yet.  Perhaps when you do conceive, he'll be more open to it because it will be real then.  Maybe in the meantime not talking about babies with your husband and finding some female friends/family to talk to about baby things will help?

**HUGS!!!**

jennycam

Hugs to you!!!!! I'm sorry you feel alone! I definitely think men handle this differently! Hang in there!

brazenbiblio

Thanks @IPutKetchupOnKetchup. That'd be great

Thanks ladies for the support. I know the things you are saying is true in my "logical mind" but my "logical mind" and I don't always communicate. Thanks for reminding me.

LindseyM2012

Understandable.  And I think its ok to let yourself be upset by that for a little bit.  Pay attention to what you're feeling.  If you don't, it will inevitably explode at the most inconvenient time.  But it is important to come back to logic.  

You got this!

catlover790

I'm sorry you had a fight about this!

My DH and I have actually had the opposite situation so I can kind of relate to his side. I used to love to talk about our future kids and what activities we will do, names, etc. My DH loves to do this too!

However, since we've been dealing with IF I'm afraid to get my hopes up too much and talk about it in the same way. I also feel bad when my H says, "I can't wait to take baby to the zoo!!" etc. because I feel like it's my fault we can't do this yet. I wonder if maybe your DH is afraid that he is "letting you down" or feels bad that he is the part that needs help from the RE?

I think trying to talk with him in a calm way is the best approach. Ask him how he feels when you talk about children. We aren't dealing with MFI but I would say that probably has something to do with it. I'm sorry you're having trouble talking with your H! I hope you can work things out!

MrKetchup

You have every right to be upset, but I think I can try and explain what a guy thinks at the same time.

For me, and I don't know about your husband, but I feel like I have a pretty rational and level-headed mind.. there is a certain line in the sand that exists. I cannot find that line, and I think it changes location everyday, but there is some point where I can go from being supportive to being in the middle of an argument I was desperately trying to avoid. We (I) try and be supportive, but are not sure when either agreeing or disagreeing with the wrong name could spawn an argument, or when she is about to reach her "talk about baby" quota for the conversation/night.

She and I would talk about baby names and future children earlier in our relationship before we were even thinking about trying. Back then it was just that, future speculation talk, harmless and interesting to see her perspective and maybe get a sneak peak at what kind of mother she was aiming to be. Once we started trying, and going through IF struggles, those conversations ceased to happen anywhere near as much, mainly because IF was stressing us both out (even if I don't show emotion or stress like she does), and I did not want to put extra pressure or stress on her by saying something that could cross that line that I want to avoid. Now once we have successfully made it through our IF journey, then those types of talks will pick up again. Those conversations go from happy future talk, to a source of stress (for both of you, him just as much as you) and potential arguments, to once again happy talks, just better the second time around because there is a face to put to those names.

curve31

My husband is the same way. I just tell him I need him to be excited about this. Sometimes I say 'tell me you want a baby'. And he does and I feel better.

We have MFI too and we are using donor sperm. So it makes it even more tough on us. He used to be more excited than I was really. Now we've switched places. Its understandable but hard. The bottom line is, we both want a family. We women think too much. If you know he wants this, just remember that simply as it is.

kristyn831

Men just don't get it sometimes.  I think DH talked more about babies before trouble TTC (maybe even before TTC) including names, how excited he was to hold them, etc.  Now that we're dealing with infertility, he talks about it MUCH less.  So much less that sometimes it's heartbreaking.

I can't figure out if it's because the topic is frequently regarding doctor appts and our troubles (and he doesn't have it in him to talk about the happy things that come with a baby) or if infertility is just bothering him so much that he can't open up about it.  Either way, as hard as it is, I'm trying to give him some slack and I vent elsewhere.  I'm not very private about my difficulties getting pregnant, so I have plenty of people besides my husband for support.  Even still, I just wish my husband was the one I could go to all the time.  It's just a lot of pressure to put on someone.

BunnyBerry

I'm sorry, that's really painful! Guys are so difficult and weird. There are so many things that it could be. For MH, he gets in moods where he is annoyed for me to bring up kids, and I think it's when he's feeling kind of hopeless. It's like it's easy for him to turn off his excitement if it is making him sad or worried.

As long as you're sure he's on board for a baby, maybe he'd be willing to do something baby-related every week or two, like break out the baby names book, visit Babies R Us, mess around with Photoshop and try to create your child. Perhaps reward his cooperation...?

Our marriage counselor when we were newlyweds taught us that it's important to a relationship to dream and fantasize about your dreams and future together, even things that are far off or pipe dreams, because it keeps us working on a goal and gives us a long-term view of our life and work together.

Of course, girlfriends care soooo much more about that stuff, lol!

brazenbiblio

You guys are the best. Sometimes I think DH is afraid to say "this is just how I am" so we fight about technicalities instead like -did he participate in the baby conversation today or yesterday- or stuff like that. I met DH at a really young age and I don't have much of an idea about how all guys are. It really helps to know from all of you that this is normal.

Thanks again. I feel like I can really manage my expectations.

dancerspose

i'm sorry for the frustration you're feeling.  while experiences have been closer to @catlover790 in that i'm the one who can't stand to talk about "our future children."  i get upset whenever he brings it up and then he feels badly.

however, the issue we have is that we basically do not talk about the IF issue.  we're still early on the in the process of testing and everything, but he does not want to talk about it at all.  he doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that there is something beyond "sometimes it just takes awhile" going on with us.  i want to talk about my fear (financial, not knowing what's going on in my body, etc.) with him, but he just wants to go on pretending all is fine.  i find myself feeling alone as you do, but for a different reason.

the best i can figure is that my husband always been a really closed off person.  he takes a REALLY long time to process thing internally before he's willing to even admit them out loud, let alone talk about them.  so i'm just trying to be patient and turning to this board to find my support until he's ready.