Choosing to work...

bazingaa

I'm having an internal crisis. DS starts daycare in two weeks and we had our meet and greet this morning. It was...sad. We've chosen a great daycare, but I couldn't help but look around at the kids and feel that while they were all well cared for, none were getting the one on one attention that can happen when they are home with mom and dad. I kept thinking, I would have been there sooner to soothe the tears or I would be playing with him instead of him playing alone. I left in tears. 

Both DH and I have great jobs. If either of us wanted to stay home, we could and would be able to live off the others salary. I'm lucky, I know. I've read the threads where some of you ladies want to be SAHM and can't. That's not me though. I don't want to stay home. I love what I do. It's challenging, fulfilling and I won't lie, I like the money. My job fulfills a 'need' for me that I feel will ultimately make me a better mother. 

I feel absolutely horrible for thinking this and more so for vocalizing it, but when push comes to shove my desire to work outweighs my sadness over putting DS in daycare. Can anyone relate or am I just setting myself up to be flamed....

biscuitsgirl2007

No flames here. I'm feeling the same. I can't seem to figure out the balance I need. I crave the intellectual problem solving my job requires but have the hardest time leaving my son in someone else's care. I'm currently struggling with wanting to quit breastfeeding and pumping at work. It's draining my energy and I don't feel like I get anything accomplished but if I produce it I want him to have it. We could probably make it on one income but we'd have a few nights of eating beans and ramen noodles and probably have to downsize our house. There's no perfect solution and my decisions come down to keeping my sanity.

lrmrtn

I always knew I wanted to go back to work, but today was LO's first day at DC and I was upset. I feel the same way you do about our DC but one of my friends once said she is a better mom because she works and that's how I feel for me personally. I need the balance and DS will get my full attention and a happy mommy all night instead of me being frustrated at the end of the day. You have to do what works best for you and your family.

Nikkipal82

I'm really glad you posted this, because I've had similar feelings. I feel for women who wish they could SAH, but I really don't. It took me years to get where I am in my career, and it is very fulfilling to me. I am very lucky to have a 2/3 day work week, which gives me lots of days with DD, but the transition is still hard. I mentioned these feelings at a La Leche League meeting, and a couple of people brought up some good points. One is that having a happy mama makes for a happy baby, and I think that is probably very true. Another person pointed out that working showed my daughter that a woman can be a mother and have a career too, which is a good lesson (for a boy or a girl). She's just so much happier when I'm around, I worry that I am screwing her up by leaving her for so long (I'm gone about 14 hours on a work day). I think this may get easier as they get older. My coworker put her one year old in day care, and now she's learning sign language and developing great social skills. She loves her daycare. Hugs to everyone struggling with this.

jenb_99

A lot of women (and men) choose to work even though they don't absolutely have to. And their kids thrive in daycare. Just make your evenings and weekends count by spending quality time with your LO, and be careful not to spoil him/her out of guilt. That will backfire on you.

ksyknelvr73

You are not alone. I struggled with this more with my first child, but after seeing how wonderful daycare has been for him, I know my decision is a good one for both of my boys. I am a better mother to my children when I work. I was not meant to stay at home. But it is definitely a tough thing to balance at times and sometimes the guilt can get to you.

delatl

I'm in the same boat and it's harder than I thought. My DH makes a lot more than I do. Daycare will cost half my take home pay at first. I'm going down to part time but still 4 days/week. I feel very conflicted. Like a pp, I am an older mom and she will be an only. So I think daycare will be for the best, ultimately. I love my job and if I left, would struggle to find work in my field when I was ready to go back. Plus, working makes me happy and I'll be a better mom. I promised myself to go back full throttle but re-evaluate around New Years. If I want to then, I may try to negotiate a 3 day/week schedule or summers off (I work in education).

haylo33

I really want to be a SAHM but I am the bread winner so I don't have a choice. I think your feelings are totally normal. Even though I want to stay at home, when LO is crying or being fussier than usual, I can't help but think "it will be nice when I'm at work and don't have to worry about an infant constantly". Then I remember I'm a nurse and I constantly feel like a babysitter with some patients. If you enjoy working, you will be a better mom because you will be happy. I know moms that actually resented their kids a little because they stopped working and that isn't healthy for anyone

SaraB221

I can relate. I start back to work tomorrow and I have had anxious about it for the last couple of weeks. DH is going to be staying home with DS until the spring semester. He's a professor and has a ton of sick time he is able to use. I am so happy that he will still be at home but I can't help but alittle jealous. I love my job and my coworkers but I've enjoyed the little routine we had during ML.

letal316

I can relate to almost everything everyone here has said. I am very career-driven and could not imagine being a SAHM even though my husband and I are both professionals and could afford to live off one salary. It's not about the money, it's about the fulfillment I get from working. I work with a lot of like-minded women so I get a lot of support and advice from them. There will be times that will be hard and guilt-riden but I also know that I don't need to be around my kids 24/7 to be a great mother, it's not the quantity of time, it's the quality. And I hope by continuing to work I am teaching them some important values about hardwork, fulfillment and achievement.

I'm going back to work after 6months, which as @katsmewsings‌ said, is strange in Canada, but it's important for me not to be removed from the workforce for too long and plus, I think the transition will be better for me and LO at 6 months.

Will it be hard sometimes, yes. Will I feel guilty sometimes, yes. But at the end of the day being true to myself is the best example I can think of to set for my kids. And the night time cuddles will be all the more rewarding!!

pistolpackinmomma

I am a SAHM and money is the only reason I haven't gone back to work! I can't find a job that pays enough to put 2 in daycare. Good paying jobs are few and far between around here. Luckily DH's job more than pays our bills but I would love to contribute too, which is why I'm starting to make my own diapers to sell. I need to feel productive and chasing kids 24/7 doesn't do it for me. I know my day is busy but I feel like I've done nothing all day if I haven't done some sort of project or insane housecleaning. And I can assure you, my kid does awesome at independent play. He has had to learn to play alone between when I was so sick in first tri and then now as I'm busy with the baby.

Katey3223

I started back two days ago. I LOVE my job and I never thought I would have or would want kids. Prior to delivering I thought 'of course I'm going back'. I enjoyed maternity leave but I couldn't wait to get back to work. I work with animals and I missed all my charges dearly. The morning I went back it hit me all the things I might miss with my daughter while I'm at work. I completely questioned everything and thought about not going back regardless of how much I love my job. But I just went to give myself some time to think about it and I'm so glad I did. I will be a better mom by working than if I stayed home. I say just go back and try it, if you've changed your mind once you're there you can always quit!

sarag0116

You will find a balance. I've always been a working mom and I like it that way. My career is fulfilling. It provides such a good balance for me. It would be really hard for me to be home all the time. Working makes me feel human.

operaghost

I thought this article was really interesting: https://www.scarymommy.com/i-regret-being-a-stay-at-home-mom/

I've seriously considered staying home but ultimately I feel like the stress over finances would seriously negate any good that would come from me staying home. We could swing it, but it would be tight.

yepyepsms

I can relate. Love my job and love working. Being a SAHM is not the career for me. Frankly I think staying at home with kids is a million times harder than working outside the home and I would suck at it. I know I am a better mom to my children by working. Missing them makes me better if that makes sense. It's harder to see the value when they are babies, but daycare has done so much for my son with his development that I don't think I could have done. Some moms are freaking rock stars at being SAHMs but it's not me, just like some SAHMs couldn't see themselves doing my job everyday. Whatever your profession, SAHM or otherwise, you are a great mom.

bazingaa

Thank you all! I'm glad to know I'm not alone. A lot of good advice was posted, much appreciated!