Feeling sorry for myself. In-Law Issue (long)

kikimeemee

Ugh...Maybe I just need to vent, and I do realize I am probably feeling a little sorry for myself.  So, if nothing else, this is a vent session...

Husband and I told his parents we were having a baby in April (due Nov. like the rest of you all); which is earlier than I normally wanted to tell, but it followed a miscarriage, so we appreciated the early support.  Hubby's parents live in England and were excited for us and hubby invited them to stay with us from Thanksgiving to Xmas after baby is born.  In-laws' response was, "You don't want us there that long, do you?!"  They stay with us for 2 weeks every summer, so we are very used to their visits in our home.

Fast forward to about one month ago where husband asked his parents when they'll be coming out and they suggested they come out after hubby goes back to work 2 weeks after baby is born so they can help me out around the house and with baby (baby will be our first child, and their first grandchild).  I was not part of this conversation but my husband said they suggested they come out two weeks when he goes back, so I took his word for it, of course.  Baby is due 11/8, so two weeks from that date is November 22nd and they figured they'd stay 10 days - 2.5 weeks.

I got an email from my father-in-law yesterday that they want to come out Nov. 15th-25th and stay in a hotel to give us space.  Husband and I spoke to one another about it and said, "Why don't you come out for a longer stay and over Thanksgiving so we can have the holiday together."  (Mind you, England doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving, so we would not be taking them away from a holiday if they wanted to spend it with their other family members)  We suggested the Nov. 15th-Dec. 1st or a later start date if they only wanted to stay 10 days and are welcome to stay at our home as we wouldn't want them to spend a fortune on a hotel.   I was really sold on the idea of having 2 weeks at home with my husband and baby (if he/she arrives around due date), and then having his parents come visit after we've gotten somewhat of a routine down (albeit, probably not much of a routine, but still some nice quality mom-dad-baby time).  I then had a thought this morning that if the baby comes late, there's a chance I'll have 2-3 days at home and then, bam, three adults (two parents-in-law and my husband's sister, I forgot to add) and that started to stress me out.   Before I had a minute to even process that, I get a response from father-in-law that they cannot come other dates (later start/longer visit, etc) b/c they have booked a weekend vacation at a local town in England, are going with their neighbors and already paid for it.  They booked it in June, he tells me, as if that makes it more understandable.  They knew in April that the baby would arrive in November, so the June excuse means diddley squat to me!

So, it sounds like they are coming out Nov. 15-25th or nothing.  I was very hurt because it seems like their mini vacation to a neighboring town in England is more important than their grandchild.  I don't understand why they would book a mini-vacation in the month of their grandchild's birth.  And why offer to help us when that doesn't seem to be the case?  I feel conflicted that I have to accommodate their dates and I'm the one having a brand new baby.  Husband is mad at me b/c I was crying and upset and said he feels like he's stuck between a rock and a hard place as I said perhaps his parents and sister should stay in a hotel if it's so close to baby's arrival home.  He said we can't take our invitation back about staying at our home, but I think we can because it only dawned on me this AM that late baby arrival = not much time private at home before their visit.  He said to me, "WHY didn't you think of that yesterday before we invited them into our home?"   I just HATE when people say that.  Yes, why didn't I have a thought in my head that wasn't there?!  Duh...it didn't dawn on me immediately!

His parents are retired and easily travel to extravagant places 8 times a year (I'm not exaggerating on that number).  Money is not an issue for them (based on their lifestyle and what they have told me), so it's not like this is their first vacation in years or something, or that they planned it before they knew we were having a baby.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I had no idea I would have to accommodate people coming to see my baby days after giving birth.  I'm trying to handle this situation carefully as I don't want a huge fight with my husband.  It's not going well as he thinks I am reading too much into things, and thinks I selfishly want "all the attention" from his parents.   I don't want attention; I wanted some quiet time with baby before they stayed with us in our HOME.  I have had nothing but a wonderfully nice relationship with my in-laws so this odd situation is new for me.

I think I have the standard new-parent-to-be jitters, and on top of that I have the panic/stress of being off work for only 12 weeks, so I don't have a lot of patience/understanding of accommodating a retired couple's mini-vacation at the time of my first child's birth.  And if you are wondering if the in-laws can reschedule their little trip, I believe the answer is no because they are going with their neighbors, too.   I said to husband that perhaps his parents can come out in December instead, after their trip and he assured me they wouldn't want to wait 'that' long to see their grandchild.  

This is upsetting me so much; and causing a bad hiccup in my marriage...  Thoughts welcome!  Am I being unreasonable?  Too emotional?  Too selfish?

absolutelymaybe

I'm really of the mindset that you are having a baby and can't expect people to plan the rest of their lives around you. I don't care how much money they have or how many vacations they take a year. I'm sorry you are stressing about this and I know it sucks that this is not going how you envisioned it, but it really seems like your ILs are being perfectly acceptable by wanting to visit for a couple weeks. They've even offered to stay in a hotel (sounds like maybe they are trying to not intrude on the family time between you and your DH and the new addition). 

My advice: Let this go. It's not worth stressing out about or fighting with DH over (or putting him in a difficult spot with his parents -- who IMO are doing nothing wrong). I have a feeling you're going to be so overjoyed with your new baby once it arrives that where/when/how his parents are there isn't even going to be a thought. 

silverwings72

I feel like it would probably be a good idea if you guys were open and asked for them to stay at a hotel. Sounds like pushing dates back won't work, so at least you will have family time after they leave for their hotel rooms in the evenings. I'm sure they will understand that you have some first time mother anxiety. Apologize for poor planning on your and DH's part and that should suffice. If money is no object then this should not be a big deal. Maybe offer to help them find a nice hotel near you?

As far as moving dates and having them change their other plans. That's getting a little selfish. Be grateful they are coming from so far to see you, but their lives don't need to be revolving around your schedule just because you had a baby. They have lives too. That doesn't mean they are not excited about seeing their grandchild.

sweetyq1984

I totally understand where you are coming from.  This is my parents first grandchild and the first girl on DH side. My parents planned two family vacations and a mission trip this summer after they found out I was pregnant.  I could not attend either family vacation as I can not travel that far with my restrictions (they live 10 hrs away).  My parents then proceed to tell me that they wont have any vacation time at work left to come after the baby is born, they might be able to swing a long weekend.  My in laws are moving into a new house end of October or beginning of November and dont want to come out here in the middle of moving.  Then they invite MIL's parents and my BIL to their house for Christmas.  We will likely not see any of my in laws until the new year. Oh, and my mother is suppose to be planning a baby shower for me and has no idea if she will have time to do one at all.  I do not understand why parents feel the need to be poor planners then expect you to just agree to whatever plans they have for you and your baby.

jj0313

I'd stay firm on the hotel and let the rest go. Focus on the forest and not the trees, grasshopper. Maybe this baby comes early and you end up totally on the original schedule!

wallygirl

Honestly I think you need to let it go and relax. I am sure they understand that you will not be entertaining them. Maybe they will follow through with their hotel suggestion.

jac409

I would revisit the hotel option as well. Just tell them after thinking about it, might be best for everyone if they stayed elsewhere this trip. As a first time mom, it is great to have the help, but it is also great to have that help leave at the end of the day so you can have the house to yourself, your baby and your husband. We had my MIL stay with us for a week last time and although I normally get along great with her, I won't do that to myself again. Be grateful they are coming so far to see you at all, and stay firm on the hotel, but forget the rest. Honestly, the thought of anyone visiting us for ten days immediately after having a baby, hotel or not, would be too much for me.

missnacholover

Well, to add a little perspective...they are flying across the pond for a 10 day visit.  That's pretty nice of them!

I'd maybe talk to DH and ask if you can play the hotel thing by ear - maybe if baby comes late they can stay in a hotel for the first half of their visit and then move to your place for a few nights?

kikimeemee

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. They are much appreciated. I've done some real pondering and it dawned on me that what must be causing most of my reaction is that my husband got angry with me when I said his dad's email hurt my feelings. He hates conflict and thinks I stirred this one up. I feel very unsupported by him on this matter. I think it would have been a small issue if he had just said, "I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. I'm sure they didn't mean it and let's talk to them about it." Instead he yells at me telling me I'm irrational and not making sense. Bad job, hubby.

missnacholover

kikimeemee said:

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. They are much appreciated. I've done some real pondering and it dawned on me that what must be causing most of my reaction is that my husband got angry with me when I said his dad's email hurt my feelings. He hates conflict and thinks I stirred this one up. I feel very unsupported by him on this matter. I think it would have been a small issue if he had just said, "I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. I'm sure they didn't mean it and let's talk to them about it." Instead he yells at me telling me I'm irrational and not making sense. Bad job, hubby.

Yeah, that's not cool!  Sometimes my DH doesn't get it either but I tell him it's not his job to understand why my feelings may be hurt but to listen to how I feel and maybe we can come up with a solution together.  *hugs*

silverwings72

missnacholover said:

kikimeemee said:

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. They are much appreciated. I've done some real pondering and it dawned on me that what must be causing most of my reaction is that my husband got angry with me when I said his dad's email hurt my feelings. He hates conflict and thinks I stirred this one up. I feel very unsupported by him on this matter. I think it would have been a small issue if he had just said, "I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. I'm sure they didn't mean it and let's talk to them about it." Instead he yells at me telling me I'm irrational and not making sense. Bad job, hubby.

Yeah, that's not cool!  Sometimes my DH doesn't get it either but I tell him it's not his job to understand why my feelings may be hurt but to listen to how I feel and maybe we can come up with a solution together.  *hugs*


So true. I love how simply you explained this. Don't forget husband is also going to be moody and on edge with baby coming. Hope everything goes well and you two can come to a compromise.

JustJainey

Change, even good change = stress. Sometimes I have to stop and remember that this change isn't just happening to me just because I'm the one who is physically pregnant.

Perhaps talking to your DH again and letting him know your concerns. It sounds like you both are reacting in ways you may not typically respond!