Those suffering from depression (or a spouse suffering from it), come in.

MrsT0514

I didnt want to keep eeyoring up the Spam thread, so I was hoping to get some feedback here.

MH has been suffering from depression for years (before we even got together), but just recently got on meds last year.

His dr had him on Wellbutrin XR 150mg 2x/day, which worked for a bit but he says it seems to not be as effective now. He had trouble remembering to take both doses, so he recently (maybe 2 weeks ago) switched 300mg once/day to see if that made a difference. It hasn't.

He's been struggling for a long time with this and has been seeing a counselor alone (we also see one together every month or so when we can), but its causing a lot of marital distress between us.

He's feeling discouraged (he says its so difficult to feel happy about anything, and he cant help his miserable/monotone like disposition sometimes). I try my best to be understanding, but its incredibly hard for me, as I feel like he's constantly detached from us as a family..like his mind is constantly somewhere else. He doesn't show a lot of affection (which he swears has nothing to do with me - its the depression preventing him from feeling happy), and I can't help but feel lonely and disconnected as a result.

He says he's open to trying a different med, but he also has stubborn moments where he says "he just needs to try harder to snap out it". I feel awful for getting frustrated with him, but this has been ongoing and is definitely a source of contention (due to his lack of emotion/affection and communication with me). I know that to an extent, this isn't something I can help him with (he needs to get the help for himself), but at the same time, I feel like its unfair to me and our family to have to deal with his aloof, indifferent demeanor all the time.

Sorry this got long, but anyone have any advice? Words of wisdom? Ways to cope and/or help him cope? The past few montsh have been just plain exhausting.

MrsT0514

@triplea598‌ Glad you've finally found a treatment that helps you! No one should have to suffer.

He's been on the Wellbutrin for at least6-7 months now (if not longer). It was working for a while, but lately things have been slipping again and he's regressed back into the same depressive slump.

I want to be there for him as much as I can, but with a 19 month old to chase after and another baby on the way, its not like its just the 2 of us take care of anymore. II'm finding it really difficult to find the energy these days. I feel lonely, unappreciated, and unloved. Its such a shitty feeling.

We sat down today and had a really honest talk, about our marriage and the health of our relationship lately. It was a difficult conversation to have, but it felt good to get everything out re: how I've been feeling lately and how hes been feeling as well.

MrsT0514

@triplea598‌ he doesn't see a psychiatrist, but I've urged him to find one, as they'd be the most knowledgeable when it comes to meds.

Its almost like he keeps waiting ro wake up one day and magically feel better...which isn't gonna happen if he doesnt make the change meds/treatment-wise. And in the meantime, I've sort of gotten sick of waiting around to get my loving husband back.

MrsT0514

@msspeedymarie‌ thats exactly the way I've explained depression to him, and its definitely gotten him to become more comfortable and open to meds as treatment, but he still has his stubborn moments where he thinks his existing meds shoyld be enough for him to get better. I think he's just dealt with feeling this way for so long now that he doesnt know any different.

But after our discussion today, I think its become more clear to him the impact that it's had on our marriage and our family. Hopefully he can get in to see a psychiatrist asap and explore some different options to start feeling better. Bc its just not fair. Its not fair to him, to me, or our kids.

martha919

I have been on many medications for depression/anxiety in the past and it did get markedly better when I saw a psychiatrist. My PCP would just keep pushing the same thing over and over and be like "well, since you're also in therapy, you should be fine". Saw psych and he was like "um, no, let's try this" and boom!

Now, DH has finally admitted to his depression. He's been suffering for years as well and it was so difficult. I'm so sorry you guys are struggling with this. My H took Wellbutrin for about two weeks before he quit because it "didn't make any difference". Well, a couple weeks after that I ended up with DD at my parents' because he was such an angry mess and I was out of ideas. I'd told him the meds WERE helping (from the outside, at least) and he didn't respond. He got back on them a few days later and he's so much better now.

Anyway, I'm rambling, but my point is that I've been there as well and I know it's hard. ((Hugs))

MrsT0514

@martha919 sorry to hear your struggles. Im glad you're both doing well now.

That was sort of thw point MH and I got to today (minus the anger). Its not like we're fighting...with him its more the LACK of emotion. Its almost like he's not even here sometimes. Very frustrating from my position, as I'm kinda of stuck on the sidelines and not knowing what to do, except feel more and more distant, lonely, and frustrated with the situation. He asked me if I wanted him to leave to give me some space and I honestly didnt know what to tell him.

He's a wonderful father and does a pretty good job with being able to manage his depression enough to care for DS, but quite honestly, he's lacking as a husband...and bc of the emotional distance between us lately (and some resentment on my part, admittedly), I've probably been lacking as a wife as well.

We just really need to get back on the Same page. He needs to put his treatment on first priority. Also, luckily we're meeting with our couples counselor this week, so we can hopefully open up the dialogue with all of this to create a plan.

desertsun

Popping out of lurkdom to suggest a book that has been very useful to me for my depression:
https://www.amazon.com/Undoing-Depression-Therapy-Doesnt-Medication/dp/0316043419/

Please know that your husband may seem detached simply because if he engages, he feels, and he can't cope with all the sad feelings that tag along with happy feelings. Detaching is a way of coping but there ARE other ways to cope that take practice. He might have more luck with therapy if he saw someone trained in cognitive behavior therapy. 

You can help by offering to research psychiatrists and therapists and schedule appointments, by helping him set goals he feels are attainable, by gently reminding him and holding him accountable. It may help to clearly establish priorities so that you both know what absolutely has to get done by when and giving him as much time as possible so that if he's having a particularly hard day, he can adjust and take a lighter load that day and take on more when he feels up to it. 

It could also help to know his love language and to use that to try and establish an emotional connection for at least a few minutes every day. A kind word, a helping hand, a quick snuggle, whatever is going to remind him that he is WORTHY in your eyes. 
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

I'm not a professional, but those are some ideas based on things that have helped me over the years. I hope something there is useful for you guys. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope you're able to find some improvement soon. Hang in there. 

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desertsun

@jumpingbeanx2 made some great points. The feeling of anchors holding you down - yes. Everything requires so much effort sometimes. It really is exhausting/debilitating, and not only do other people question whether you are lazy, you question yourself, which only leads to further self-doubt and negative thinking and can make the depression worse. This is where cognitive behavior therapy can be useful, or the book I recommended also talks about identifying negative thought patterns and has very specific ideas on HOW to change them. 

I have found exercise makes a huge difference for me, but finding the time and even more the motivation for it is a constant struggle. It might help if it's something you can do as a family -- go to family swim at the Y, talk a walk around the block, etc. Bonus is that that is quality time connecting with the people your H loves most. It will help if you talk to him about it, get on the same page about it being a priority, and then you schedule it and help make sure it happens regularly. I wish my H would make this more of a priority/would exercise with me. 

Also, I find supplements seem to make a small but significant difference. I take vitamin D3, DHA, and a multi. I've heard magnesium can also be helpful but I haven't done enough research on specific formulas to be able to recommend knowledgeably. 

MrsT0514

Thanks for sharing your experiences and helpful advice. I will definitely bring these suggestions up to MH.

Although our situation is a little different. His depressive symptoms dont necessarily present as inactivity...but is more so overactivity. He spends a lot of time obsessing over chores outside that need to be done (our arrangement is that I take care of inside stuff, he takes care of outside stuff like mowing lawn, etc), so between him working and then coming home and constantly being in "work mode" its incredibly hard to get him to slow down enough (both mentally and physically) to spend quality with DS and I. It helps when I bring it to his attention that we love him and want to spend time with him, but he often regresses back in the vicious cycle constantly needing to be preoccupied, so its been challenging.

Im really looking forward to our session with th counselor this week though. Our sessions definitely help open up the lines of communicatiom and help bring us closer. We'll get there. Its just a process for both of us, and can be so difficult on both ends.

desertsun

Ah, that is different. Sorry for assuming. Although I do still think that having family activities would still be applicable. He can satisfy that urge to move but just focus on involving the family and be PRESENT for that time. I think some meditation might also be useful for him. I know there are meditation apps out there so maybe take a look and see if anything appeals. 

Depression tends to be a chronic condition. Sadly, there is no "cure." Therapy and medication can help but there will likely continue to be a cycle or pattern of progression/regression. But hopefully some of the ideas here, some different medication, and continued therapy will help. I wish you guys the best.

MrsT0514

@desertsun No worries. I really appreciate you sharing your story and giving some great advice. Glad to see you're feeling well and have gained so much knowledge about depression. Knowledge is power, for sure! Im always looking to educate myself, so your story really helps me to understand it. I'm forever researching stuff to learn more about it, but personal anecdotes from what has helped others is quite valuable info!

desertsun

I'm glad if I can help in any way. I agree that it always helps to talk about it and hear others' experiences. 

ToastieSimons

I think we're married to the same guy.  DH is on Prozac.  I will say, it took a good 2 months for it to really kick in.  I mean in the first few days there was a major improvement but then it kind of wore off.  I wonder if it's almost a placebo affect in the beginning as your body adjusts to it.

He's been on it for years now and definitely still has times he is depressed.  Mostly in the winter.  This winter was rough on all of us.  It was hard to get DH off the couch at times.  I had to yell at him on the nice days to get up and take a walk.

There are a few big things that contribute to giving DH positive tools to work on.

1) Healthy diet.  The more crap he eats the crappier he feels.  We try to eat as healthy as possible but when he is depressed and it's winter he just wants to eat carbs like bagels, and swiss rolls and it fuels his depression.

2) Family exercise.  Even if it's just getting us all out for a 15 minute walk.  The more time DH spends laying on the couch is directly proportional to the severity of his depression.  

I can totally feel your frustration.  I've been there.  Somtimes it's so hard to keep reminding your self that this is a medical problem and that he's not choosing to act like this.  And sometimes I just yell at him to get off his butt. It's hard always feeling like I'm accountable for him.  

I would say give it 2-3 months and if he doesn't feel any better than try a medication switch.  It also takes work to break out of depression.  Yes, depression is a medical issue which creates a lifestyle issue. If he doesn't do the work to break out of the depression rut meds can only do so much.

ETA:  DH also takes a Bcomplex and Folic Acid

https://www.thebetterhealthstore.com/newsletter/012910_top-5-anti-depression_04.html

https://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052970204368104577136850522166664

MrsT0514

@ToastieSimons‌ thanks for sharing. It is super frustrating to keep it all in check and remember that he sometimes cant help the way he acts/feels.

He has definitely come a long way in the last 2 years, as he's also in recovery for an addiction (another reason why he chose to quit drinking/smoking pot, etc altogether), so he's veen doing a tremendous amount of wOrk continuing his sobriety and working on his recovery as well. It really wasn't until he got help for his addiction that he realized the underlying depression needed to be treated along with it (we've learned through all of our therapy that depression and addiction can often go hand in hand).

So yeah..i think his way of coping with everything is to keep himself so busy with "work" so he doesnt think about it, which in the long run, will only ignore the root issues, burn us all out, and create more frustration.

Im incredibly proud of him for all the improvements hes made for himself and our family, i guess i just get tired of feeling like DS and I are put on the back burner bc of all of it.

MrsT0514

And wow, that article is really interesting! I told dh about it and tbat he should give it a try.

ToastieSimons

MrsT0514 said:

And wow, that article is really interesting! I told dh about it and tbat he should give it a try.

I think we're married to the same man.  DH is a recovering alcoholic and didn't realize he was self-medicating his depression until he quit drinking and started toward sobriety.

It's definitely a tough road to go down.  <hugs>

MrsT0514

ToastieSimons said:

MrsT0514 said:

And wow, that article is really interesting! I told dh about it and tbat he should give it a try.

I think we're married to the same man.  DH is a recovering alcoholic and didn't realize he was self-medicating his depression until he quit drinking and started toward sobriety.

It's definitely a tough road to go down.  <hugs>

Ah. Talk about life twins (although MH was addicted to prescription pain pills he took for pain previously). Addiction/depression is definitely a tough road to navigate...especially while trying to maintain normalcy of everyday life, kids, routines, family/friends, etc. My heart goes out to you. Its definitely a struggle. ::hugs::

flyingsaucer

Big hugs to you. I am so sorry that your family is going through this. I did not get to read all of the replies, so I apologize in advance if I am repeating. I have dealt with addiction and mental illness in my family for my entire life. First, I totally agree that he needs to see a Psychiatrist. The right medication is key and it can take a while to figure out the right dosage. I think you mentioned that you are both in counseling? It is sooooo important for you to have support as well as your DH and I encourage you to see someone, together and alone. There are many support groups for BOTH of you out there. You can check your local NAMI for helpful info. If there is addiction/recovery, you may find support in groups like Al-Anon as well (for families of those in recovery). Two books that I have found helpful in dealing with/supporting family members (while not totally sacrificing myself) are: "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I'm Not Sick, I Don't Need Help". Both are not specific to depression, but I felt helpful for family members of those with any type of mental illness (anxiety, depression, OCD, etc). I wish you both the best and hope things start to feel better soon

MrsT0514

@flyingsaucer‌ Thank you. Yes, we see a couples counselor as well as our own individual counselors when we can (sometimes hard due to lack of time abd childcare). But therapy has been a huge help for us. DH also goes to AA/NA when he can, but again its so hard to find time to juggle it all. Like ToastieSimons mentioned, ut wasnt until he got treatment for the addiction that he realized he was using to cover up the depression.

Unfortunately MH comes from a family full of addiction...his cousin has been addicted to heroin for the last 15 years and is currently incarcerated, his brother drinks so heavily he blacks out, but has recently admitted to having a problem, and my MIL calls herself a"social drinker", but can never have just oneor 2. She goes out drinking eith her friends on most days and gets insanely obnoxious and outspoken every time she drinks. Our saving grace is that we live 2 hrs away from them so we dont see them a lot.

Not to mention, in my family my brother is a recovering addict and my estranged father is an alcoholic in denial. sorry im rambling now, but its just insane how rampid addiction runs in both of our families. We both want to break this cycle so our kids dont have to grow up around it like MH and I did.

MrsT0514

Both thanks for the suggestions. I'm gonna look at our local library and see if I can find those books. Much appreciated

Tessybell2007

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this right now. I remember reading your encouraging and loving posts when I was sharing my own issues. While I don't have a lot of experience with different meds- I've been on citalopram and have seen a decrease in my overall depression.

I hope your husband is able to find help but aside from his issue... I really am concerned and feel for you right now. You have so much on your plate and it takes an amazing and compassionate person to take it all on. You sound like a strong and amazing woman.

MrsT0514

@Tessybell2007‌ thank you so much for your
Kind words. It really means a lot

All will be ok. It gets difficult and feels draining trying to keep everything together and running smoothly in our household sometimes, but we'll get through it. I know if it were me having the rough time, he'd be there to do it for me. but i aint gonna lie...they werent kidding when they said this marriage stuff is hard!

So Glad to hear you are feel better and doing well now Thats great!