Conflict with SO?

kaylaalainee

Is it just me, or do any of you feel like it is going to be utterly impossible to narrow it down to a name that you and your SO both absolutely love? We have so many that we like, but I feel like any name that we feel strongly about- the feelings are quite opposite. I really don't want to just "settle" on a name and I honestly am starting to feel like the issue is a little bit bigger than the name. We have plenty of girls names that we love, and I'm pretty sure we're sticking with Ailey Rae. It was one of the first "LOVE IT" names we both agreed on and even though I like the idea of doing a musical name to match my SD, I just think we've begun visualizing a little Ailey too much to change that now.

The issue is a boy name. The boy name I have had picked out for YEARS is representational of my family, and I love everything about it. I want to name my son Aurelian. However, the more we talk about it, the less joy I feel because even though DH says he loves the name too, he keeps on trying to come up with middle names that he likes (after having thrown my first thought- Jude- out the window and stomping all over it). More than that, is that all of the middle names he likes, he keeps saying "and we'll call him ___" for instance, his strongest suggestion was Jameson, and he wanted to refer to our son as AJ, or just call him Jameson. I've never understood giving a child a first name if you aren't going to call him by his first name, and when I ask DH he continually insists that he loves the name Aurelian. I have no issue with a nickname, I actually assume our son would end up going by Aurey or Lian one. But I just don't understand why DH can't just tell me he hates the name Aurelian if that's what the issue really is.

Additionally, the more he thinks about it, the more he hates every single boy name that we come up with. He'll like a name for a few days and then he'll decide he really doesn't like it. I'm beginning to feel as if the issue is less that he doesn't like any boy names, and more that he absolutely DOES NOT want a son. This kind of breaks my heart, because I would love a son and if this one ends up being a girl, I'd like to give it another try for a boy. DH is a great daddy, I already know that from seeing him with my SD. However he was raised around a herd of women, and he and his father are past the stage of "bad relationship" and well into "no relationship." 

I feel like DH is afraid to have a son and during my 14-20 week appointment, whenever we find out the sex, if baby ends up being a boy I feel like DH is going to be truly disappointed. He's so comfortable with girls and he'd love another daddy's girl. I feel like he's truly afraid to be a father to a boy. I believe he thinks that he won't have a connection with a son the way he would have with a daughter, or even that there would be a lot of conflict between himself and a son once that son got a little older. I just don't know how to handle this, or how to make him feel more comfortable with the idea of a son.

Sorry for the rant, I've just gotten really distressed over this.

DaisyZH

It sounds like there are a lot of serious feelings/issues going on. Has your DH ever considered counseling? Father-son issues can be so painful and it might help him to find peace with his past.

That being said I think if he is a good dad to your daughter he will also be a good dad to your son.  I think in his situation it's natural to be more comfortable with women, but once he has a son of his own I think he might be more comfortable - especially if he gets counseling/therapy.  I know some people are resistant but it can really help a lot.

I would table the name discussions for now.  You have so much time to think about it and you might both fall in love with something completely different.

wellybean

I'd agree that it sounds like he doesn't really like the name.  Maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings by vetoing it outright, especially since the name is special to you.  I'd say scrap Aurelian and start over.  I know that I had a bunch of names that I had always loved that DH just plain didn't like.  Sure it made me a little sad to let them go, but it was more important that we be on the same page.

That being said, I think it's time to put the name discussion on hold.  You have PLENTY of time to decide on one.  There seem to be more important issues for the two of you to be discussing.

kristinc01

I generally felt my husband was extremely picky about boy names and I think it is because they either have different connections to them than we do or they are trying to see it as an adult name or internalize it and try to see if they would want that name out in the world.  

I think in return I was picky with girl names because I was trying to see if the name just by hearing it carried any connotations for me and my experiences.

Either way - good luck.

We were team green and didn't have a boys name picked out when we went to the hospital, I felt that when push came to shove, he would agree on my name  - but we had a girl instead .

neverblushed

I have two thoughts for you.  

First, I feel like I have walked a mile in your shoes with the H who wants girls.  That was my H 100%, and he was open about this preference.  We were team green with #1, and the baby did turn out to be a girl.  We decided to find out what we were having with #2, so that we could be more efficient about getting things ready.  When the u/s tech said, "Looks like a boy!" there was dead silence in the room for -- like -- 10 seconds. AWKWARD!!

I was so worried that my H would be disappointed and that he would favor our DD, but in reality it's been fine.  Once the baby arrives, he/she becomes your CHILD more than your son or your daughter, if that makes sense.  I just wanted to reassure you that parenting reality can be totally different from anticipating being a parent and not to worry too much about your H and his wish for a daughter.  If you find out the baby's a boy, he may be disappointed at first, but you'll both quickly move on to the reality of having a boy, and you'll begin planning for your DS's arrival!

Now, on to the name thing.  It just seems like your H wants to like the name Aurelian, but that he doesn't really feel comfortable with it.  Let's face it.  It's a very unusual name, and it's a little feminine-sounding.  I would not be surprised if some of his angst over having a boy is knowing that he's sort of committed to a name he can't get behind.  I give your H credit for trying to roll with it, because he clearly knows how much you love the idea of this name.  That being said, I think you need to go back to the drawing board and develop a list of names you both like, and include Aurelian on the list, but play around with other names as well.  Maybe make a list of other names before u/s time, and if the baby turns out to be a boy, narrow it down later.

GL!

AmandaR204

DH and me can't agree, but he finally is letting me have a name I really want even though he had other names he preferred...because I was just stressed out and started getting Whiney. Baby is due in 8 weeks so I'm glad we have a winner. Good luck.

kaylaalainee

Thanks for the advice everyone. We've curbed the name discussion for now. Well with the exception of last night when he told me he wants to name the baby Goku if it's a boy. (For this I have no words). 

I'm just waiting until after we find out the gender to bring up the boy names again. In the meantime, I've been adding to my list of names I like so we can scroll through it again if it is indeed a boy. 

BananaLettuce

I'm going to play captain obvious here and suggest you tell your H everything in your post. Communicate your feelings to him.
Don't just assume he feels a certain way.