Trouble TTC
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Bad IF week (pregnancy/loss mentioned)

I don't even know where to begin. I just need to get this out to people who will understand. I know we haven't had it as bad as some people, and I do appreciate that fact. When I see BFPs here, I'm genuinely happy for them. It's just that even the people I know IRL that have had problems ended up having children w/o medical intervention, and it's hard to really talk to any of them about this stuff.

We did IUI# 2 on the 18th, I tested early (dumb), and then this morning- bfn. I called the RE's office to say I don't need the beta tomorrow. I went into it with some hope, assuming that it would work (it did the first time, but ended in a c/p). But mostly I assumed it wouldn't work. How could I possible get lucky a second time? At least we'll be on vacation next week. I'm going to do all the damn drinking. But I guess I'll be stopping the progesterone, so I'll also be bleeding away on the beach. (I'll probably keep taking it for at least a few days into the vacation).

I feel like I'm not a full woman or something. It's kind of smarmy to say this, but I've never not been able to do something that other women can do (within reason). I may not do whatever as well as someone else, but I can usually do it. I'm lucky to be able-bodied and relatively fit and mostly fearless. But I can't do get/stay pregnant. This is some serious bullshit. The whole idea that in 2014 "unexplained" infertility can be a diagnosis is bullshit. But I don't know what else they can test. I wish I knew what I should do. Should I stick with the same plan? Cause hey, it kind of worked (/sarcasm). Would increasing the femara increase my odds of getting and staying pregnant?

I'm tired of hearing platitudes. I'm tired of taking a medication that dries out my skin and makes me break out for half the damn month, and then get on another medication that makes me tired and cranky and leaky. I'm tired of waking up early every.single.morning to take my stupid temperature. I'm tired of having to get my blood taken again and again and again. I'm tired of using all my sick time to go to the doctor. FFS, I've had fucking surgery. I'm tired of doing all this and ending up with nothing. I'm angry that I don't know how to feel about the c/p. I feel like now it's too late to say that I'm upset about it, that it's too late to cry. Right now I basically hate everything. I hate that I can't just curl up in a dark room somewhere. I hate that I have had no time by myself. What I hate more than anything though is having to act positive. I'm a trainer (in research, not physical), and I have to work with people one-on-one today, so I have to put on the act. And even talking to people IRL about this stuff, I feel like I have to put on a happy face, let them know that I think it's going to be ok. I'm afraid to show anyone that I care that much about it. I don't want that kind of pity, pity that's not based in any real understanding of IF. Fuck this shit, I just want to go be in the woods, completely alone.


****Loss in Sig****
3T Sig Challenge: New Year's Resolutions

image
"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less."

Marie Curie

Married 2010, together since 2006. TTC for #1 since March 2012, actively charting since November 2013
March 2014 - HSG left tube blocked, right tube partially blocked bilaterial partial obstruction; onward to the RE in April
May 1, 2014 - Lap surgery and chromopertubation; Dr removed a bit of endo, but everything looks healthy & tubes are clear!
May 2014- First medicated cycle, 2.5mg femara+TI; BFN
June 2014- 2.5mg femara + hCG + IUI
on 6/18= BFP on 6/28!; C/P on 7/3
July 2014- 2.5mg femara + IUI #2 on 7/18. Starting progesterone 7/23, bfn
August 2014- 2.5mg femara + hCG + IUI # 3 on 8/15. BFN
Tx break
IVF #1 -
12/1 - TOT & SIS- RE found a polyp
12/15 - Hysterscopic surgery to remove the polyp; additional polyps found and removed

12/29- Good baseline u/s, 12 antral follies
12/30- Started stimming
1/10 - ER: 17 retrieved, 14 fertilized!
  My Ovulation Chart - No data,  just meds
image

Re: Bad IF week (pregnancy/loss mentioned)

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    I know how you feel about not wanting pity or lame comments from people who don't understand. I'm not as far as you are but I want to offer as much comfort as I can. It's okay to feel the way you do. IF sucks. (hugs)

    Me-36
    DH -35
    Married in 2008
    Started TTC in 2011
    Began testing May 2014
    Test Results
    HSG- clear
    Hysteroscopy- clear
    SA- 11 mil count
    45% motility
    Diagnosis: MFI
    July 2014: Femera 5mg CD 4-8, Trigger, IUI = BFN
    August 2015: Femera 5mg CD 4-8, Trigger, IUI = BFN
    September 2015: Femera 5mg CD 4-8, Trigger, IUI = BFN
    May 2018 after long period of not trying, starting adoption process with family friend's newborn
    November 2018 Adoption complete!


  • Options

    I am so sorry you're having such a rough week.  You've been through a lot lately!  For what it is worth, it is never too late to cry....or scream into a pillow (something I personally find very therapeutic and not disruptive to others). 


    Your anger is completely legitimate, especially if you have always felt just as capable - if not more capable - than others in everything else.  I have had those exact same feelings recently, but don't want to verbalize it for fear of sounding conceited.  I hope you find this a safe place to say those things, because you are definitely not alone and nobody here is going to judge that.


    **HUGS**

    Me: 28  MH:35

    Married September 2012. TTC since September 2013

    June 2014 - Dx w/ significant PCOS and referred to RE.

    July/August 2014 - Testing complete: Testosterone & AMH very high, FSH slightly high, Vitamin D low, tubes and lining all lovely. DH SA: A+

    Cycle 1 (Nov 2014): 2.5 mg Letrozole/Ovidrel/TI = BFN

    Cycle 2 (Dec 2014): 5 mg Letrozole/Ovidrel/TI - BFN

    Cycle 3 (Jan 2015): 5mg Letrozole/Ovidrel/TI - BFN

    WTF consult scheduled for 1/29

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    SewfieSewfie member
    Thank you for the hugs and commiseration.
    @LindseyM2012, I do feel like it's a safe place. I try to add that I recognize my privileges and stuff, since I normally do that when speaking anyway, but I think that helps.
    @DaydreamSam, I like that quote. Thank you.

    I went off to look at cats on the internet (probably my most consistent hobby), and came across this in the Dr. Who section of the cheezburger network. Talk about good timing.
    image


    ****Loss in Sig****
    3T Sig Challenge: New Year's Resolutions

    image
    "Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less."

    Marie Curie

    Married 2010, together since 2006. TTC for #1 since March 2012, actively charting since November 2013
    March 2014 - HSG left tube blocked, right tube partially blocked bilaterial partial obstruction; onward to the RE in April
    May 1, 2014 - Lap surgery and chromopertubation; Dr removed a bit of endo, but everything looks healthy & tubes are clear!
    May 2014- First medicated cycle, 2.5mg femara+TI; BFN
    June 2014- 2.5mg femara + hCG + IUI
    on 6/18= BFP on 6/28!; C/P on 7/3
    July 2014- 2.5mg femara + IUI #2 on 7/18. Starting progesterone 7/23, bfn
    August 2014- 2.5mg femara + hCG + IUI # 3 on 8/15. BFN
    Tx break
    IVF #1 -
    12/1 - TOT & SIS- RE found a polyp
    12/15 - Hysterscopic surgery to remove the polyp; additional polyps found and removed

    12/29- Good baseline u/s, 12 antral follies
    12/30- Started stimming
    1/10 - ER: 17 retrieved, 14 fertilized!
      My Ovulation Chart - No data,  just meds
    image
  • Options
    SewfieSewfie member
    That cat gif is amazing, @amylev80!
     @rainbowbridge14, thank you. As long as a tree doesn't fall on me like the dude in your siggy, I'll be happy. :) (Actually, MH broke my hammock. He just sat down and the fabric tore straight in half).


    ****Loss in Sig****
    3T Sig Challenge: New Year's Resolutions

    image
    "Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less."

    Marie Curie

    Married 2010, together since 2006. TTC for #1 since March 2012, actively charting since November 2013
    March 2014 - HSG left tube blocked, right tube partially blocked bilaterial partial obstruction; onward to the RE in April
    May 1, 2014 - Lap surgery and chromopertubation; Dr removed a bit of endo, but everything looks healthy & tubes are clear!
    May 2014- First medicated cycle, 2.5mg femara+TI; BFN
    June 2014- 2.5mg femara + hCG + IUI
    on 6/18= BFP on 6/28!; C/P on 7/3
    July 2014- 2.5mg femara + IUI #2 on 7/18. Starting progesterone 7/23, bfn
    August 2014- 2.5mg femara + hCG + IUI # 3 on 8/15. BFN
    Tx break
    IVF #1 -
    12/1 - TOT & SIS- RE found a polyp
    12/15 - Hysterscopic surgery to remove the polyp; additional polyps found and removed

    12/29- Good baseline u/s, 12 antral follies
    12/30- Started stimming
    1/10 - ER: 17 retrieved, 14 fertilized!
      My Ovulation Chart - No data,  just meds
    image
  • Options
    I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time. I'm sorry for your loss too, it's never too late to have feelings about something, especially a loss.

    I also understand your feelings of not being able to do this one thing and it makes you frustrated. I feel that way sometimes because it's something that I can't fix no matter how much work I put into it. I also understand how the "mask" of IF is so hard too. Just today I went out with my mom and she asked what was new with me and in my mind I was thinking well I've been to the doctors 3 times this past week but I just said, "not too much". It is so hard to keep quiet about it all.

    I hope you feel better soon.
    ***********siggy warning **********



    Me: 26 DH: 27
    TTC #1 Since Aug. 2013
    Cycle 1: O CD 25=bfn
    Cycle 2: O CD 48=bfn
    Cycle 3: Anovulatory/Provera =120 days!
    Cycle 4: Anovulatory/Prometrium=127 days! RE consult 6/16
    Me: Anov/poss. pcos?  HSG=normal/SA= Normal 
    July/Aug. 2014= Femara+trigger+TI=BFP!!
    Beta #1@ 16dpo=626!! Beta #2=1510
    Ultrasound @ 5w6d=heartbeat at 110!
    Ultrasound @ 6w6d =heartbeat at 131!


    Pregnancy Ticker

    image
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    Thank you for sharing this. I hope you have found even a little comfort in just getting all of it out! It is 100% ok and expected for you to feel the way you do about your loss and IF in general. 
    (my c/p was 2yrs ago pre-ttc; it barely effected me then, but hit hard about 4mos into what is now our 3t journey). 
    Like PP have said, it's good to let it out and work your way through this grieving process. I'm sorry you have to be here in the first place, but glad you have a safe place to heal. HUGS
    image
    Me:26 DH:27
    Married Oct 2011
    NTNP for about a year before actively 
    TTC since April 2013
    Currently testing for infertility cause and hormone imbalance.
    Infertility & ovarian cyst diagnosis: May '14
    B/W: 'good', more ordered to check antibodies & progesterone
    SA: Normal :)
    U/Ss for cyst: who the f knows
    DH's cat scan: showed encapsulated fatty growth; u/s: didn't really show much more
    Breast Specialist: Most likely a large fibroid, but keeping an eye on it, repeat u/s every 6mos 
    HSG: clear tubes, uterus is A-ok
    WHAT'S NEXT: DH's consult with surgeon to discuss next step for growth, either biopsy or surgery~Big discussion with Dr. before any possibility of starting Clomid, since I'll want another u/s before and to be monitored and he doesn't seem into that. I had to force his hand just to order the AMH test so may be looking for another OB
    ~All welcome :) ~
    Cycle 3 of OPK; Cycle 2 (this time around) of Temping

  • Options
    The way you are feeling has to be completely normal because I feel the EXACT same way!
    hugs to you...and hopes that everyone will eventually get a BFP...we have to right!?!?

    ***SIGGY WARNING***




    me: 28 - all test normal
    DH: 33 - SA normal

    *unexplained*

    TTC since September 2011
    2011-Oct.2013 - trying off and on, ob/gyn, no meds
    November 2013-December-EOD, ob/gyn, no meds

    January 2014- ob/gyn ordered Clomid (50 mg) unmonitored, EOD-BFN
    February-Clomid 50 mg. unmontiored, EOD - BFN
    March-Switched to RE
    April- 100 mg Clomid/Ovidrel-BFN
    May - 100 mg Clomid/Ovidrel-BFN
    June-*BREAK/Switch RE*
    July- 5 mg Femara/Ovidrel + IUI #1- BFN
    August- 5 mg Femara/Ovidrel + IUI #2 - BFP!!!!

    EDD: May 7th, 2015: Team PINK



  • Options
    Thank you all again so much. It's really reassurring to hear other pople have the same thoughts and feelings. I'd say you have no idea how much that helps, but I'm sure you all do.Y'all are the best. :)
    We have an appt to see what else we can possibly do to have the third go be the last. The mr is a scientist, so he's finding the "unexplained" thing possibly more frustrating than I am (he's like "there's got to be more tests or something. You don't stop testing when you don't get an answer" haha).


    ****Loss in Sig****
    3T Sig Challenge: New Year's Resolutions

    image
    "Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less."

    Marie Curie

    Married 2010, together since 2006. TTC for #1 since March 2012, actively charting since November 2013
    March 2014 - HSG left tube blocked, right tube partially blocked bilaterial partial obstruction; onward to the RE in April
    May 1, 2014 - Lap surgery and chromopertubation; Dr removed a bit of endo, but everything looks healthy & tubes are clear!
    May 2014- First medicated cycle, 2.5mg femara+TI; BFN
    June 2014- 2.5mg femara + hCG + IUI
    on 6/18= BFP on 6/28!; C/P on 7/3
    July 2014- 2.5mg femara + IUI #2 on 7/18. Starting progesterone 7/23, bfn
    August 2014- 2.5mg femara + hCG + IUI # 3 on 8/15. BFN
    Tx break
    IVF #1 -
    12/1 - TOT & SIS- RE found a polyp
    12/15 - Hysterscopic surgery to remove the polyp; additional polyps found and removed

    12/29- Good baseline u/s, 12 antral follies
    12/30- Started stimming
    1/10 - ER: 17 retrieved, 14 fertilized!
      My Ovulation Chart - No data,  just meds
    image
  • Options
    Big hugs. So sorry you're feeling frustrated. Your feelings are totally legitimate. There's nothing wrong with feeling sad now about your cp and what could have been. And I completely hear you regarding your "diagnosis" frustration. Unexplained IF is a maddening diagnosis. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to have an understandable (potentially solvable) problem. But you can still make a plan even if your condition is unexplained. And that plan can bring you some satisfaction and hopefully some results. Now go enjoy your vacation and have a nice drink.

    Official diagnosis: Unexplained IF. I am 32. I have low ovarian reserve (low AMH), and poor egg quality. I've also been diagnosed with mild glandular developmental arrest (lining problems, detected with EFT).

    We are using open ID donor sperm. IUIs #1-7=BFN. IVF September 2014 antagonist protocol, 8R,5M,3F, 5 day transfer of 1 morula = BFN. IVF#2 planned for January 2015 (antagonist protocol + HGH).

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic image

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