Bad IF week (pregnancy/loss mentioned)

Sewfie

I don't even know where to begin. I just need to get this out to people who will understand. I know we haven't had it as bad as some people, and I do appreciate that fact. When I see BFPs here, I'm genuinely happy for them. It's just that even the people I know IRL that have had problems ended up having children w/o medical intervention, and it's hard to really talk to any of them about this stuff.

We did IUI# 2 on the 18th, I tested early (dumb), and then this morning- bfn. I called the RE's office to say I don't need the beta tomorrow. I went into it with some hope, assuming that it would work (it did the first time, but ended in a c/p). But mostly I assumed it wouldn't work. How could I possible get lucky a second time? At least we'll be on vacation next week. I'm going to do all the damn drinking. But I guess I'll be stopping the progesterone, so I'll also be bleeding away on the beach. (I'll probably keep taking it for at least a few days into the vacation).

I feel like I'm not a full woman or something. It's kind of smarmy to say this, but I've never not been able to do something that other women can do (within reason). I may not do whatever as well as someone else, but I can usually do it. I'm lucky to be able-bodied and relatively fit and mostly fearless. But I can't do get/stay pregnant. This is some serious bullshit. The whole idea that in 2014 "unexplained" infertility can be a diagnosis is bullshit. But I don't know what else they can test. I wish I knew what I should do. Should I stick with the same plan? Cause hey, it kind of worked (/sarcasm). Would increasing the femara increase my odds of getting and staying pregnant?

I'm tired of hearing platitudes. I'm tired of taking a medication that dries out my skin and makes me break out for half the damn month, and then get on another medication that makes me tired and cranky and leaky. I'm tired of waking up early every.single.morning to take my stupid temperature. I'm tired of having to get my blood taken again and again and again. I'm tired of using all my sick time to go to the doctor. FFS, I've had fucking surgery. I'm tired of doing all this and ending up with nothing. I'm angry that I don't know how to feel about the c/p. I feel like now it's too late to say that I'm upset about it, that it's too late to cry. Right now I basically hate everything. I hate that I can't just curl up in a dark room somewhere. I hate that I have had no time by myself. What I hate more than anything though is having to act positive. I'm a trainer (in research, not physical), and I have to work with people one-on-one today, so I have to put on the act. And even talking to people IRL about this stuff, I feel like I have to put on a happy face, let them know that I think it's going to be ok. I'm afraid to show anyone that I care that much about it. I don't want that kind of pity, pity that's not based in any real understanding of IF. Fuck this shit, I just want to go be in the woods, completely alone.

brazenbiblio

I know how you feel about not wanting pity or lame comments from people who don't understand. I'm not as far as you are but I want to offer as much comfort as I can. It's okay to feel the way you do. IF sucks. (hugs)

LindseyM2012

I am so sorry you're having such a rough week.  You've been through a lot lately!  For what it is worth, it is never too late to cry....or scream into a pillow (something I personally find very therapeutic and not disruptive to others). 

Your anger is completely legitimate, especially if you have always felt just as capable - if not more capable - than others in everything else.  I have had those exact same feelings recently, but don't want to verbalize it for fear of sounding conceited.  I hope you find this a safe place to say those things, because you are definitely not alone and nobody here is going to judge that.

**HUGS**

Sewfie

Thank you for the hugs and commiseration.
@LindseyM2012, I do feel like it's a safe place. I try to add that I recognize my privileges and stuff, since I normally do that when speaking anyway, but I think that helps.
@DaydreamSam, I like that quote. Thank you.

I went off to look at cats on the internet (probably my most consistent hobby), and came across this in the Dr. Who section of the cheezburger network. Talk about good timing.

Sewfie

That cat gif is amazing, @amylev80!
 @rainbowbridge14, thank you. As long as a tree doesn't fall on me like the dude in your siggy, I'll be happy. (Actually, MH broke my hammock. He just sat down and the fabric tore straight in half).

catlover790

I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time. I'm sorry for your loss too, it's never too late to have feelings about something, especially a loss.

I also understand your feelings of not being able to do this one thing and it makes you frustrated. I feel that way sometimes because it's something that I can't fix no matter how much work I put into it. I also understand how the "mask" of IF is so hard too. Just today I went out with my mom and she asked what was new with me and in my mind I was thinking well I've been to the doctors 3 times this past week but I just said, "not too much". It is so hard to keep quiet about it all.

I hope you feel better soon.

bravegrace22

Thank you for sharing this. I hope you have found even a little comfort in just getting all of it out! It is 100% ok and expected for you to feel the way you do about your loss and IF in general. 

(my c/p was 2yrs ago pre-ttc; it barely effected me then, but hit hard about 4mos into what is now our 3t journey). 

Like PP have said, it's good to let it out and work your way through this grieving process. I'm sorry you have to be here in the first place, but glad you have a safe place to heal. HUGS

rella22

The way you are feeling has to be completely normal because I feel the EXACT same way!
hugs to you...and hopes that everyone will eventually get a BFP...we have to right!?!?

Sewfie

Thank you all again so much. It's really reassurring to hear other pople have the same thoughts and feelings. I'd say you have no idea how much that helps, but I'm sure you all do.Y'all are the best.
We have an appt to see what else we can possibly do to have the third go be the last. The mr is a scientist, so he's finding the "unexplained" thing possibly more frustrating than I am (he's like "there's got to be more tests or something. You don't stop testing when you don't get an answer" haha).

emmuffy

Big hugs. So sorry you're feeling frustrated. Your feelings are totally legitimate. There's nothing wrong with feeling sad now about your cp and what could have been. And I completely hear you regarding your "diagnosis" frustration. Unexplained IF is a maddening diagnosis. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to have an understandable (potentially solvable) problem. But you can still make a plan even if your condition is unexplained. And that plan can bring you some satisfaction and hopefully some results. Now go enjoy your vacation and have a nice drink.