Newbie Intro (Loss Mentioned)

klynda

This is really hard, because nobody IRL knows what I'm going through, but I need to talk to someone besides my Drs and husband, or I will go insane.  First off, 31 years, non-smoker since 2004, occasional drink (1-2 a month), and Registered Veterinary Technician by trade.

I was Dx with PCOS in March of 2012- I had quit Depo inj as my primary BC when we got married in May 2011, and we were just using condoms because we were planning on starting to try sometime in 2012.  I started having coarse facial hair growth, and my former PCP dismissed it, because I can't have PCOS because "you're not overweight."  My lack of regular periods since D/Cing Depo were "the body readjusting to its normal levels."  I complained to my dermatologist in early 2012 that I was having more breakouts and that I was having the hair growth, she said it sounded like PCOS (even without knowing about the irregular cycles) and referred me to her personal OB/GYN, especially after hearing that we wanted to start trying.  

The OB/GYN did some tests, incredulous that my PCP didn't do them, and said, yes, my testosterone and other hormone levels were consistent with PCOS.  She wanted delay TTC and get my body on a normal cycle of periods and ovulations with hormonal BC (Beyaz.)  It worked, I was having regular period and she said after 6 months of that, she would switch me to Metformin and we could start TTC again.

So we started trying in early 2013.  Metformin wreaked havoc with my GI tract.  Months and months of charting and BFNs.  I went on a PCOS message board last summer around this time, and was told that I wasn't welcome because I wasn't struggling with the weight aspect of the syndrome (even though it said that it was for all symptoms of PCOS, including reduced fertility.)  IRL, I kept quiet and when people asked about kids, I said that my husband and I weren't sure if they would be right for us.

In May of this year, I missed a period, but I was going through such stress at work that I didn't think about it, and then in June, I was looking for a new position and didn't really notice.  On my husband's birthday (11th), he remarked that the Metformin had been even more of a bother recently, because I vomitted birthday cake, so I took a test and got a BFP.  He thought it was the best birthday present ever, and I was ecstatic.  Counting back, I had my last cycle on the 21st of April, so I was 7 weeks in.  I got a new position at a new clinic and turned in my notice on the following Monday (the 16th).  Then I started bleeding on Wednesday, I left work and got an HCG test, and another Friday.  They were doubling, but not as high as they should have been at 7+4 (only 7900), so they sent me for U/S.  

It was an empty gestational sac- it had stopped growing at 4+6.  I found out that I was "pregnant" long after I had ceased being so.  They then discovered that I have a bicornuate uterus.  They sent me home to pass the products naturally and that my OB/GYN would be in touch.  (I hadn't seen her, just the nurses and radiologists since all this started.)  We spent a very sad weekend trying not think about it.  I waited by the phone on Monday, all day.  Not one word from any labs or radiology.  (I've since found out that my OB/GYN's father had passed on Friday, and the relief Dr. dropped the ball).  That night I had what felt like a stabbing pains in my lower right side.  Going to ER, I found out that I was having contractions to try to expel the contents, but my cervix was closed very tightly.  In addition, the contractions had ruptured a cyst on my right ovary.  I had a very good ER Dr., who fought the relief OB and got me admitted for a D&C in the am.  

The D&C went fine, aside from the cruel irony of nature that I had to continue with morning sickness.  It finally stopped, and I had a period.  My OB/GYN apologized for the relief Dr. and I was scheduled for a HSG to determine the amount of bifurcation of my uterus.  Because of the timing of the test, and having to be so quickly after a period, it was scheduled for the next day.  The problem was that my HCG levels were 13 (and as you all know, anything over 5 will show up as positive).  So the radiologist wouldn't let be get the test done because he needs a "Neg."  Now it's 0, but it's too late to do the HSG.  I scheduled an MRI for tomorrow because that doesn't need to be done at a certain time in the cycle.  I just want to know if I can carry a baby.  I've gone back on Beyaz because I'm benched until at least October, and the Metformin was horrible for my GI.

So that's where I am.  And NO one in my real life knows what I'm going through, because we couldn't tell them because I wasn't over 12 weeks, then it was gone, and I feel that I'd look like a drama queen by telling them after the fact, especially when it feels like all of my friends are pregnant or new mothers.

K

P.S.  Sorry this is so long.  I didn't realize it would be a novel.

Katherine0

So sorry for all you have been through. I couldn't even imagine, and especially having morning sickness as you said, it was probably really cruel. I feel the same way when seeing pregnant people EVERYWHERE! So you haven't taken any meds yet for infertility (clomid, femara etc.)? I don't have very many people to go to either, because no one truly understands what it's like unless they have been through it, and no one I know personally has... and I don't really tell anyone else because I don't want the "relax" comments

bravegrace22

I'm sorry you have been through so much and that you find yourself here, but this board is full of wonderful, very supportive gals! I hope you can find some comfort here and that your luck turns around soon! 

MBoylan27

I'm so sorry! I can't even imagine how tough that must have been for you. The ladies on this board are incredible support and we'll be here to help you through all of this. *big hug*

ashleyshedd

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. The people on this board are all really helpful and supportive. I hope you get positive answers at your next dr appointment. Good luck!

shirleymaeby

I am so sorry for the tough road you have been down.  Luckily you have found a great community of very supportive women who understand your struggle.  Welcome to the boards.  ((Hugs)) for you.

brazenbiblio

Welcome and I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that you will get to an RE soon who can help you find a plan.

klynda

Katherine0 said:

So you haven't taken any meds yet for infertility (clomid, femara etc.)? 

No, not yet.  Right now we are trying to determine how extensive the bifurcation is.  I don't know if that will be something that we pursue once I'm allowed to try again, or if they want me to continue to try.  I think they said that at my age they want 18 months of trying before drugs?

Thanks to all the other repliers.  I know that I'm not alone, but it really helps to read it from the "mouths" of others.

catlover790

I'm so sorry for your loss and all the struggles you have been through.

Welcome to the board! Everyone here is very supportive and understanding. Good luck with the testing too, I hope you can find out everything soon and get a plan set up.

BunnyBerry

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

There's nothing dramatic about telling trusted family or friends that you had a pregnancy and lost it. It is a real and valid loss to mourn and I hope there is someone IRL whom you trust to help you get through it if you need to.

I'm glad you found us here at 3T. No one is going to pooh-pooh you for having certain PCOS traits and not others, jheesh!! I'm sorry you missed the chance for HSG this month too. How messed up is it that they can't show proof you have lost a pregnancy and it is safe to complete the test? It reminds me of how silly it is that I have to get an HCG test a week before my surgery to prove I'm not KU - um, obviously it's possible to be pregnant and not have it show up yet, so they clearly are relying on my doctor's knowledge of my cycle!

Good luck with your testing. Bicornuate uteri have been safely carrying and delivering children for thousands of years, and I hope you can be one of them.

WishUponAChild

I'm so sorry for what u have been going through.