Why do people only want to tell you about the bad parts?

penad5

So, I'm getting to the point where I've been telling most people the news... and very quickly i'm regretting it.  It seems that most of the unsolicited advice people want to give is how horrible my life is going to be once the baby comes.  "You'll never sleep again" "Eat out now cause you'll never be able to go to a restaurant in peace" "You're going to be in so much pain during labor" 

Or they criticize my plans "what do you mean you don't plan on having the baby in your room?  That will change" "You're planning on pumping?  good luck with that" "you want to do a race next fall... don't count on it" apparently every idea i have is going to change once i have the baby... and I get that ya some things will and i'm prepared for that but it's not like I've never seen a baby before or don't realize that I may have to adjust and I know that their will be hard times

I'm just really sick of the negativity and being made to feel like i'm an idiot and that until i have this baby I can have no ideas on what to do with him/her.  I do appreciate good advice but I feel like i'm just being put down - after a convo with one "friend" last night I cried for an hour at my husband about how I already feel like i'm going to be a bad mom!   

Why are people such jerks... do they not remember being preg?  How do you deal?  Unfortunately all can bring myself to do is cry - gotta love those hormones

penad5

Thanks @ducky719!  I need to remember that response... and stop letting them get inside my head!!!

SKLH

@Ducky719 This will be my new go to response!! hahaha

 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this crap. I feel the same. I mainly feel like I get it about pregnancy. Last night I had a man tell me that his Grandmother once told him that pregnant women that wear tight clothes risk the baby growing to their abdominal wall... Meanwhile I'm staninding there in maternity skinny jeans and everyone was looking at me. I wanted to kick him in the shins. What was the point in telling me that anyways!? Hang in there lady. And you are NOT alone in the cries! I cry for everyhting these days! hahaha

FishyMom

I could have written this post to, he'll I did a very similar one a couple of weeks ago on my check in! Lol. I hate the negativity too. I just want to tell people "wow you must really resent your child for being so horrible to you!" I have intentions on doing a half marathon in Feb, and now it has become a personal mission because not one person I have talked to has said "you can do it", they all laugh and tell me I am crazy. So screw those people! You will be a wonderful mom! Don't let th get you down.. I have stopped listening when people start down the path of oh you'll never sleep, eat with 2 hands.. Blah blah blah.

Mrs.McIrish

I usually say something to the effect of how much we went thru to get pregnant so I'm not going to sweat the small stuff...

penad5

1983lindsey said:

@ThoseThreeWords‌ dear god I hope that isn't true about it getting worse once we have or kids! Hahaha

I agree i hope that's not true - cause once these hormones stop just making me go directly to cry-town i'm probably going to start throat punching if it gets worse!!!!

dp21

You are going to be a GREAT mother!  We all are   After everything we have all been through, I know we will all step up to the plate! 

I almost feel like the person giving unsolicited advice to my sister in law who is pregnant, but she is really clueless (thought it was ok to drink alcohol when pregnant....told me she plans to breastfeed but is going to sleep 8 hours at night while her husband feeds the baby the pumped milk....planned to take a trip overseas in 3rd trimester close to due date (I told her to cancel).  But honestly she is the only person I try to give a reality check because she needs it lol.  Really clueless.  Recently bought a pack-n-play from garage sale that smells of cat pee.....not making this stuff up.  Luckily her hubby has some sense and threw it out. 

mdiblasi10

I am sorry you are hearing so much negativity. I remember the same thing when I was pregnant with DS and it drove me nuts. Same with MH - he hated hearing it. And now those same people see all the things we do with DS and can't believe it. I feel like saying "Not everyone hates their life because they have kids!!!" It makes me sad for their kids. I will tell you that I love life more with my son in it. We wanted him in our lives so badly and appreciate everything we get to do with him. We still travel, we go camping, we still go out to eat, we still get a good night's sleep, we still love each other and having our son be a part of all these things we love just makes them better!

Whenever I talk to someone who is newly pregnant or thinking about having kids, I say nothing but good things. I know they've probably heard the horror stories from everyone else. 

I would just tell the nay-sayers that we wanted this baby so much and are looking forward to being parents. 

marnief

People suck sometimes. And they like to flaunt their "knowledge"/experience. I pretty much tune them out, just like I tuned out the "just relax and it will happen" people (right, because relaxing is medically proven to increase my AMH level from 0.4?!). That's what I love about this forum - it's so supportive and encouraging, rather than trying to scare us!

penad5

marnief said:

People suck sometimes. And they like to flaunt their "knowledge"/experience. I pretty much tune them out, just like I tuned out the "just relax and it will happen" people (right, because relaxing is medically proven to increase my AMH level from 0.4?!). That's what I love about this forum - it's so supportive and encouraging, rather than trying to scare us!

I whole heartily agree!!

mmhopeful

Many people will try to put themselves in our shoes.  They can't.  Sometimes people just don't know what to say so what comes out of their mouth is not the most pleasant, but did have a good intention behind it.  

Just two days ago.....As I was explaining to my mom about my appointments and monitoring for GD, blood pressure, and regular OBGYN visits, she chimed in with "was it even worth it?"  I asked her to repeat what she said and it was the same line. I told her that I have about 8 weeks to go and it was everything we ever wanted as a couple and was just so happy to have a chance to be a mom.  I told my DH and he and I talked about how MY MOTHER was "mothering" ME in that she didn't want HER child to have to go through so much.  Her intention was good, but her "Filter" on how to say something was just TOTALLY off!  LOL  Helped me to put things in perspective. 

I have heard the gammit of things as well from others and of course they think they are ALL doctors or something, but really what it comes down to is the support people you keep closest to you when your child/children arrive. That is what I look to.....a supportive husband and a few close friends who really know the journey we've been on and who look at life as a glass half full.  As to the "half empty glass" people, I limit my interactions with them and I guard my deepest plans, intentions/goals for after my babies arrive.  Gives me something to surprise them with when I achieve what I have set out to.....but without the audience.  

 Hang in there!

Jenny935

I tried to remind myself that while I was taking it all so personally with the pregnancy, it was no different than everyday life. I mean, people never say "Smell this! It smells so good!" or "Wow this tastes great, try some!" They always say "This stinks! Smell it!" or "Ew this is gross, try it!" 

I love Ducky's response. Will have to remember that

xc1148

Mrs.McIrish said. I usually say "it took us a long time to conceive so I'm not worried about little things at all." And usually people stop talking because they realize how silly they sound. I mean, really, horror of horrors, the hospital I chose has smaller rooms than the other one. oh noes how will i ever survive :P

ccam

Every time I speak to my best friend, she makes some sort of comment about how hard having 2 kids is going to be.  "Are you ready for this?"  "Just wait until you have two."  "The 2nd kid is always harder."  She is one of the very few people who know what we went through to have kids so you'd think she'd keep those comments to herself, but she doesn't.  It's so frustrating!! 

I get it - 2 kids is going to be hard, but so was going from 0-1 kid and so was getting pregnant in the first place!  But it was worth every second to have DS - there is so much more good than bad.  When I talk to people about pregnancy and children, I always focus on the good since I'm sure most people only get these bad comments.  Hang in there!!

FloridaSun82

People ALWAYS need to put in their 2 cents and it's rarely positive. I find that saying something along the lines of, "after going through the hell of infertility and IVF, I can't imagine having too many problems with a lack of sleep" or something along those lines. As for the "advice," I think nodding and smiling is the best bet.

wishiwaspreggo

Sorry I haven't properly intro'd yet - I was active in 3T and am almost 9 weeks along now  but I wanted to add...

When C and I told our smug mommy friends that we were planning to have a baby, they gave me tons of horror stories about how awful pregnancy was going to be, particularly through the first trimester.  They told me I'd be sick all the time, too exhausted to do anything, that I'll get pissy with C and that my life will suck the entire 9 months.

To the contrary, I haven't had a single moment of morning sickness.  My energy level seems to be fine.  No serious aches or pains to complain about.  Even-tempered... At first I thought something must obviously be wrong because I'm not going through hell, but all my ultrasounds have checked out to be fine.  Pregnancy, so far, has been a breeze for me.  I've only got 3 weeks left in first tri so I'm not particularly concerned MS will suddenly hit me.

In fact, my primary symptom is an enormous appetite.  Everything I eat, the flavor explodes on my tongue and gives me shivers of delight.  Especially juicy meats, tasty cheeses, ice cream, fruits, and carbs coated in cheese.

So they can suck on that.  Just because pregnancy sucked for them doesn't mean it sucks for everyone.  And that's how I feel about parenthood.  Everyone makes such a huge stink about it and you read all these horrifying articles online so you prepare yourself for the absolute worst.  I have a feeling we will all be pleasantly surprised.

Cutiecruz327

@wishiwaspreggo‌ congrats & welcome! Lucky your 1st trimester is wonderful! I had crazy morning sickness, but I was the happiest nauseous person in the world! There it is again, every pregnancy is different.

@penad5‌ you will be a great mother!! Every pregnancy is different, everyone parents differently. I've noticed that the people who tell the horror stories (especially all the "you can't or won't once baby comes" people) are people I'd never take parenting advice from anyway. This on girl is always sarcastic with her you'll see comments, has the worst relationship with her brat daughter. The ones who are happy parents give little advice, mostly positive.

My 2 SIL have 2 completely different kinds of parenting styles & pregnancies. One w as a crazy overprotective routine mom, the other was very laid back, stress about nothing style and take baby everywhere. Both have great kids, and are great parents. Their stories & advice are different too.

No one is the same, I agree with PP that stories are their badge of honor. Do what is right & natural for you & your baby as only you will know. That is what great mom's do!

wishiwaspreggo

calindi said:

@wishIwaspreggo - Have I mentioned how happy it makes me to see you on PAIF?!  :-)  Thrilled for you!

And I see from your siggy, it was your first Follistim + IUI combo that worked.  I swear, I'm never doing Femara again when we go to conceive #2 if we have to seek treatment again.  Give me the shots!  It worked so much better for me (obviously).

And sometimes I think people like to brag about how tough they've had it.  Like somehow they bond over their misery.  It's like a secret club of "warriors" who have dealt with sleepless nights, painful breastfeeding, teething toddlers, terrible twos and tyrannical threes, and any host of other things that people like to complain about.  They're bonding and showing how tough they are by expressing how hard the things they've gone through have been.  But really, they're kind of bragging.

To be honest, it's how I talk about infertility.  It sucked, and it was tough, but when I "complain" about our struggles, really I'm just sort of bragging about how much we wanted this baby and how hard we worked for it, and how grateful and relieved we are to be expecting.  I don't really want to ever be in those shoes again, and it did suck, but I'm glad I went through it because I think I appreciate the good times so much more for having struggled.

Thank you, @calindi It's fantastic to be here.  Yeah, straight Follistim is what did the trick for me.  I did not respond at all to Femara - just the Follistim!  It's good to know what finally worked.  Happily C is up next for conceiving a sibling so I'm off the hook.  I think she'll have an easier time than me since she's so regular and she's a little younger than me.

I totally get bragging to people about what you've been through - provided they've already had the same experience.  For example, if a lesbian friend of mine decides to TTC I will *never* tell her how hard it was for me and how many different medicines I had to try.  Every woman is different.  Some folks on the LGBT forum used ICI with fresh donor sperm at home and after a couple tries succeed.  Some women only required one IUI.  Others 2-3 tries.  Then there's me with 5-6 tries with progressively stronger medicines.  Others still who needed IVF, or multiple IVF cycles.  We all need to experience our own journeys Once she's gone through it and gotten pregnant, THEN I'm happy to talk about our battles.

Likewise I won't tell any of my newly pregnant friends how easy my first trimester was, especially if they're really struggling.  I don't want to make anyone feel bad.  If they ask me specifically what I went through then I'll share, but otherwise I don't offer anything unless asked.

OutdoorGirl10

@penad5 I'm with you. I think my mom is the only one who actually made a positive comment. All my friends, MILs, coworkers, all of them tell me the horror stories and the things I won't be able to do anymore once the baby comes. I know it'll change what we do and I know there will be times I won't be able to do something because the baby is sick and puking all over - but for the most part, I want to incorporate them into our life rather than totally give up everything I like to do just because I've had a kid. One of my friends is a good inspiration/reminder for me - she finished grad school while pregnant, she took both kids on trips to different countries while they were both under 6, she still visited friends in other states and still takes the time to do things without the kids too. Whenever someone gets too harsh on all the things I won't do, I think of her.

MKateG

I so understand! I'm having twins and the reaction I get most of the time is "omg your going to have your hands full" "are you scared!" "Did you freak out when they told you" all to which I say "nope!" or "oh my girl they will probably be your last too" and to that I respond "yea they probably will since it took three ivf's to get them" they change their attitude pretty quickly :-) fertliles don't get it :-) I could care no less about losing sleep, vacation, or privacy. I had enough of that while I cried myself to sleep longing for a baby and to get two I am feeling overwealmingly blessed!