Intro Warning - living child mentioned

Mills0401 · July 2014

**Warning - living child mentioned**

Good afternoon everyone,

Sorry it's so long...it was hard to stop after I got started.

I have been with my husband since I was 16 (he 17). We have been together for almost 11 years now and I will say the journey has been fun. I am typically your optimistic person and my husband is more on the negative side. We are complete opposites in just about every aspect. He was raised by a single mother; I was raise by both parents who are still married today. His mother is an alcoholic and he was forced to take responsibilities that no child should have to deal with; while my mom still did everything for me until I was in my mid-to late teens. He witnessed abuse growing up (his mother always had one abusive husband/bf after the next) while the most abusive thing I ever saw growing up was on Jerry Springer. I come from a close-knit family while his family kind of shuns one another. One thing that we do have in common is our love for each other and the love we have for our daughter. We have a great since of humor in our marriage which is to be expected since we got married on April Fool’s Day!!

Our daughter is 8 yo now and she is a Blessing from God! I had her 2wks after I turned 19. She was not planned; in fact the doctor’s did not recommend that I get pregnant within the next year because I had had a LEEP procedure done because I kept having increasingly abnormal paps. I didn’t think anything of it because what 18 yo actively tries to get pregnant. Well it happened and a month after the procedure I found out I was going to be having a baby! I remember being scared and worried that family members were going to talk bad about me because I was pregnant out of wedlock. I remember not knowing if I should keep the baby or not, and it was my b/f (now DH) mother that told me that unless I was 100% with abortion both mentally and emotionally then I would always regret the decision. Obviously I did not get an abortion but I think that at a young age with any unplanned pregnancy you do consider abortion even if you have never believed in it before. However, my parents were thrilled when I told them!!! I think they were ready to become grandparents. Our daughter was born in February 2006 after my doctor induced me at 41wks because I was showing no signs of going into labor any time soon.

My hubby and I have been through our hard times. He was only 20 when our daughter was born and we both still had a lot of growing up to do. He did not know how to be a father because he never had a father or a good male role model growing up. I basically raised our daughter alone for the first 2 years of her life. I was forced to grow up and he grew up at his own pace. It all finally came to an end and I told him how I felt. He had never known the pain that he had caused and things have gotten better since then.

I had come to accept that we were not going to have more children about 2 years ago. I missed my period in Dec. 2012 all the pregnancy tests I took showed up negative. Turned out my testosterone level was elevated which can actually cause you to miss a period if it gets too high. We discussed another child at that point in time and basically by hubby wasn’t down for another. That was the end of that...unless we both agreed then we were not going to have another child.

We had a pregnancy scare back in April 2014. He actually got excited which was a change normally he would be stressing. Afterwards we decided to actually try for another. Never in a million years did I ever expect to be trying for another child. I figured if we ever did get pregnant again it would be by accident.

A few days before Father’s Day I found out I was about 4wks pregnant. I was ecstatic. We had already come up with a boy name and were trying agree on a girl name. I window shopped baby in my free time. On July 7, 2014 I finally had my first ultrasound appointment. They told me that the baby was measuring in at 6w1d, and the heart beat was a little low but could mean nothing. I was optimistic and they gave me a 2wk follow-up for another ultrasound. July 21, 2014 I went in and they told me the baby was still measuring the same. I asked about the baby’s heart beat and the lady asked me “was there one last time?”. Those words stabbed my heart harder than any sword ever could. I was alone in a doctor’s office with my dead child inside me just wanting my husband who was currently on the road heading out of town for work. 2 hours later after speaking with my doctor I called my husband to tell him the news over the phone. Then I had to call my mom to see if she could take me to the hospital on Thursday for my D&C because I had miscarried and my husband would still be out of town. Then when I finally left the hospital I drove straight to my dad’s work and balled my eyes out. My husband was able to be in town for the D&C Thursday and he took Friday off to be with me as well.

Currently I am healing physically still but as soon as we get the green light to try again from my doctor I’ll be happy. I know this may seem a little soon to want to try again but I want another baby more now than ever and I know that one day we will be blessed with another.