Open Mouth, Insert Foot

[Deleted User]

I thought this might be a fun topic to get some discussion going. What is the worst/funniest thing that your SO/FI/DH has said to you? I have two pretty good ones, and my poor DH never realizes that honesty isn't ALWAYS the best policy.

[Deleted User]

I'll start.. About a year and a half ago I was unhappy with my weight. I started watching what I ate and made sure I was more active. I asked DH if he could tell that I had lost about 10 pounds.. He looked at me and said, "Well your love handles look smaller and your belly pouch isn't noticeable."

Uhhh, thanks?! He haaaaates when I tell that story because he was just trying to be honest. I laugh at it now.

cshade07

'Hey Hun look your boobs rest on your belly now'

'Can you come sit on this countertop, I need a good amount of weight on it before I can screw it together'

While in the bathroom throwing up he walks in and says 'soo does this mean you aren't making dinner tonight?'

These were all in the past week..DH has been on the shit list quite a few times the past few months.. Lol it's a good thing we both have sarcastic personalities otherwise he would probably be dead. Lol

Glas43

Aww i wish i had some funny ones to share! My DH has been pretty good about watching what he says. A few times he'll make comments like you arent gonna fit through there when talking about a small space. I have to laugh because its true and i still forget that my belly is as big as it is. Ive never had to worry about that before!

hgielrebmik

When we were pregnant with our first, DH and I took a birthing class. We were having lunch with his parents one day, and he was talking about the class. He started talking about how awkward it was going to be for me when the nurses had to massage my uterus. Then he put his hand up in the air and made a squeezing motion....it came out that apparently he thought the nurse was going to reach up my vag and massage me internally....awkward...

[Deleted User]

I have another one that I will likely never forget. 

DH and I had been dating for about 6 months or so and we were driving around running errands. I stupidly asked him who gave him the best blow jobs. I was fully expecting him to say that I did, because duh what guy would answer that honestly even if it wasn't me.. And he stupidly said it was his ex from three years before then!! 

I didn't let him forget that for about a year. I also went back and forth between giving him zero blow jobs and trying to make sure mine were the best EVER. 

wildflower75

Last night when I told my husband that I had a melt down and was crying at the doctor's office over gaining 20 pounds; he said to me "Those 20 pounds are helping your girly parts look nice" as he started squeezing my breasts and ass! LOL... he proceeded to tell me I had 10 pound titties... I almost punched him in the face but he did make me laugh!
 

BreandMikewedding

wildflower75 said:

Last night when I told my husband that I had a melt down and was crying at the doctor's office over gaining 20 pounds; he said to me "Those 20 pounds are helping your girly parts look nice" as he started squeezing my breasts and ass! LOL... he proceeded to tell me I had 10 pound titties... I almost punched him in
the face but he did make me laugh!
 

This made me laugh! My boobs don't get bigger, just fuller when pregnant. I use them to my advantage with my Dh.

lrobi13

As we were flipping tv stations yesterday an rerun of Modern Family was on. The older sister was giving dating advice at the skating rink to the younger sister. I had made mention that I had seen that episode before (I don't watch too many tv programs regularly) and DH asked if I had learn some tips of how to flirt with guys.

I was very confused and asked him was he planning on dumping me soon. He had to explain that he thought I had seen the show before we meet instead of just in the last year. 

archi35

I can't believe I'm telling this story but the first time we had sex ever, he was really really into it and it was amazing. He even wanted to go again right away and then again in the morning - as did I.  Afterwards I mentioned how strong our physical connection was, and how nice it was that we were clicking so much.  His response: "well yeah but also I hadn't had sex in three months".  

I'd made him wait two and a half for me. Gee thanks. 

I still reference that story sometimes or try to insert "well but i mean maybe he hadn't had sex in three months or something" when at all relevant. I think its funny now but I think he still feels a little bad.

cmac6186

I was working part time in college at the store DH was a manager at. He asked me out for a Saturday afternoon (my usual 8hr work day). I said I couldn't really afford to take off although I did want to go. He offered, "I'll pay you for your time." Most romantic start to a relationship ever 8->

cozybluebear

A few days ago we were at the town wide yard sale and had probably walked close to 2 miles at this point in 90 degree heat. My ankles were so swollen and I was complaining that I needed to sit down and that I was too pregnant to be doing this. That jerk had the nerve to say, "You know, there are women out there who run marathons when they are pregnant." His weekend was pure hell after that and he's been kissing my butt ever since. I think I'll milk this one for a while!

Jennifer18131

The first time I met exH's grandparents was at their house for dinner. His grandmother brought out a gorgeous blackberry cobbler for dessert. ExH leans over, rubs my stomach and says "Are you gonna have dessert?" His entire family stopped what they were doing and looked at him with dropped faces. We never let him live that down. 

MrsTinMKE

My DH is great and has been very sensitive to my needs this pregnancy; however early on in pregnancy - first trimester, I told DH that I couldn't believe how tired I was... he said " You need to get over it"  when I was obviously not happy with that response, he said I was loosing my sense of humor and he used to be able to joke around with me about stuff like this.  I was hormonal and it was the first time I ever wanted to punch him in the face... He has been great ever since! 

victoria+james

DH is an ass man... which works well for me as up until now I didn't have much in the boob department. Well one day we were home and out of nowhere he exclaims "You have a fat ass!" I must have given him s death glare because he immediately started yelling "No! I meant "phat" with a P. H.!"

Just the other day I was saying I wasn't sure how much longer I'd be at work because standing all day is killing me. He said "All the women I know worked right up until they gave birth." ...Uhhh good for you?

MrsTinMKE

Ok - I have one more.... DH and I had just finished the deed, early on in dating and at one point he randomly decides to tell me about how a girl he dated in college wanted him to tie her up and it freaked him out.  He laughed like it was some kind of joke.  I am not overly sensitive, but the thought of you in bed with another girl having that kind of discussion wasn't something I wanted to hear! It is for some reason really bothering me right now! Damn hormones.... probably because I havn't had any in a hot minute. 

[Deleted User]

MrsTinMKE said:

Ok - I have one more.... DH and I had just finished the deed, early on in dating and at one point he randomly decides to tell me about how a girl he dated in college wanted him to tie her up and it freaked him out.  He laughed like it was some kind of joke.  I am not overly sensitive, but the thought of you in bed with another girl having that kind of discussion wasn't something I wanted to hear! It is for some reason really bothering me right now! Damn hormones.... probably because I havn't had any in a hot minute. 

I still get weirdly upset anytime I think of DH and any girl with whom I know he's had relations. I don't why, but it bugs me. It doesn't help that we live in the town he grew up in, and all of his exes are here, yet I moved 1000 miles away so my past is always in the past.

Edit: words

MrsTinMKE

apk4 said:

MrsTinMKE said:

Ok - I have one more.... DH and I had just finished the deed, early on in dating and at one point he randomly decides to tell me about how a girl he dated in college wanted him to tie her up and it freaked him out.  He laughed like it was some kind of joke.  I am not overly sensitive, but the thought of you in bed with another girl having that kind of discussion wasn't something I wanted to hear! It is for some reason really bothering me right now! Damn hormones.... probably because I havn't had any in a hot minute. 

I still get weirdly upset anytime I think of DH and any girl with whom I know he's had relations. I don't why, but it bugs me. It doesn't help that we live in the town he grew up in, and all of his exes are here, yet I moved 1000 miles away so my past is always in the past.

Edit: words

Yeah, same here! We live where DH grew up and most of my exes are hours away.. Past relationships are not something we discuss or talk about, with the exception of this one thing, so I was kind of like what the hell? I shouldn't let things like that get to me, but they do have a way of sneaking up on you in your weak moments lol 

Maggie6424

cozybluebear said:

A few days ago we were at the town wide yard sale and had probably walked close to 2 miles at this point in 90 degree heat. My ankles were so swollen and I was complaining that I needed to sit down and that I was too pregnant to be doing this. That jerk had the nerve to say, "You know, there are women out there who run marathons when they are pregnant." His weekend was pure hell after that and he's been kissing my butt ever since. I think I'll milk this one for a while!

Oh I'd have made him suffer. Those women TRAIN for ever for that, and I personally think they're crazy.

DaniGrace89

"Your boobs and belly look very gorilla like- but it's ok, pregnancy is beautiful"
-baby daddy/husband extraordinaire

What is worse is that when I call him out, he says "I'm just being honest!"

GretchenWeiners7

My mom & I went to see "The Other Woman" movie when it came out (I think that's what it was called) and afterwards, I was telling DH how I think Cameron Diaz has aged really well and that I think she is still gorgeous. He told me he didn't think she was that good looking and was "okay" at best.

The next day, my mom & I went to Caribou and the question on their chalkboard was "who is your celebrity doppleganger?" I told her I didn't think I had one, but I wanted to see what DH thought. I texted him and he said he thought I looked like Cameron Diaz! I was like...wow thank you for telling me this AFTER you have just told me you think she is just okay looking. He backpeddled and said he only thinks we look alike because of our blonde hair and height.

:-/

pushgal84

Within the last month I discovered DH and I are both 7's, as far as numerology goes. The article about two 7's together was pretty spot on and I sent it to H for fun. His reply? "Well, you're a 8 in my book.... like on a hotness scale of 1-10". I replied, wondering why not a 10 and he said I was a 10 in his heart. That didn't make it any better. Pretty sure you're supposed to tell your pregnant wife she's a 10. Period. I'm obviously not a super model, but some lip service from DH is expected. =((

Dani0329

My DH is the king of foot in mouth! -For the past 6-7 months, "why are you so tired all of the time?" -A one upper, if I am having any kind of pregnancy pain he is having a pain that is one million times worse. -Comes home from work and tells me that a girl he works with and is due 2 weeks ahead of me actually looks pregnant (bc I don't ?!?!) -DH who loves my butt, Wow I didn't think your butt could get bigger, this is awesome!! I will say tonight he said pregnancy looks good on me. :x

pnwlover12

The only one I can think of off-hand happened a few weeks ago after I went back to the freezer for a 2nd ice-cream bar. He said, "You're eating all the desserts!" and had this look on his face like I just robbed him of his dying breath.

It really pissed me off. He didn't get laid for a few days.

2goingon3

Just finished getting ready for a wedding this past weekend...."aww, you actually look really good even if you're a hundred months pregnant!"

Such a way with words!

griffers

My husband is probably the king of this. I am pretty petite and always have been so he thinks its ok to make jokes about how I eat like a cow, have a big butt, etc. Usually I can laugh it off but since being pregnant I am probably a little more sensitive, especially since I gained 5 pounds this month and my OB said I needed to slow down. The other day I said to my husband "Why didn't you tell me my butt looks all cottage cheesy?" and most sane husbands would be like "No it's not." Not mine! His response was "Ya and I like it!" Ugh.

Even better, when we first started dating he used to talk about his exes all the time. Makes me want to puke just thinking about it. I remember we were having some conversation about sex and he said his ex was the best sex he had had because she knew what he liked. WTF! I still don't let him forget about that.

Rickaroo922

When i was pregnant with my son (now 2.5), we were at the pool. He had his arms wrapped around me and goes "Wow, your hips are already getting wider!" I just laughed and told him he was lucky I didn't take it personally. We still laugh about it. This time around I would laugh and ask if my hips looked any wider.

MrsL2B

My husband doesn't ever put his foot in his mouth, since he seems to think that brutal honesty is always the best policy. After a few episodes earlier in this pregnancy where I cried hysterically for hours over something insensitive that I would normally brush off, he's started to check his thoughts a little more closely before he opens his mouth.

archi35

GretchenWeiners7 said:

My mom & I went to see "The Other Woman" movie when it came out (I think that's what it was called) and afterwards, I was telling DH how I think Cameron Diaz has aged really well and that I think she is still gorgeous. He told me he didn't think she was that good looking and was "okay" at best.

The next day, my mom & I went to Caribou and the question on their chalkboard was "who is your celebrity doppleganger?" I told her I didn't think I had one, but I wanted to see what DH thought. I texted him and he said he thought I looked like Cameron Diaz! I was like...wow thank you for telling me this AFTER you have just told me you think she is just okay looking. He backpeddled and said he only thinks we look alike because of our blonde hair and height.

:-/

OMG this made me LOL so hard just now - man are just so thick headed sometimes!!!

atraveller

Wow, so many funny ones here. My DH overall has been pretty good. He has realized I feel like a cow and tried to be sensitive to that. But earlier on I got "Wow there is no mistaking your pregnant now, your stomach is really pushing the limit on that shirt." I also got - "I can see why my mom think you are having a girl, your stomach is definitely a basketball but I can see you've gotten wider and bigger in your butt and thighs." ugghhh - when I started to tear up a bit on that last comment he realized perhaps it was better to keep those to himself - he hasn't commented on my ever growing belly since - other than to say I am looking good - think he knows I need to hear that.

victoria+james

DH this morning... "Looks like you'll only be wearing thongs the rest of this pregnancy."

Me "why?"

DH "because your ass doesn't fit in any of the other ones any more. If you want I can cut the cheeks off those too..."

Me "don't you dare deface my underwear. Now give me your credit card... I'm going to Victoria's Secret."

[Deleted User]

victoria+james said:

DH this morning... "Looks like you'll only be wearing thongs the rest of this pregnancy." Me "why?" DH "because your ass doesn't fit in any of the other ones any more. If you want I can cut the cheeks off those too..." Me "don't you dare deface my underwear. Now give me your credit card... I'm going to Victoria's Secret."

Oh these guys never learn. Happy shopping! 

Earlier in this pregnancy I was so uncomfortable in thongs, I only wanted to wear granny panties. Now, I feel like I can only fit in L or XL thongs.