"How was your summer?" - back to school ? #1

mrsjg2013

Good morning, ladies.  I am a teacher and Wal-Mart's school supply section reminds me every time I get groceries that "Back to School" is just around the corner.  I only told a couple teachers that we were expecting before we left for the summer, and two of them I'm in pretty regular contact with so they are aware of our most recent loss (as well as the others).  I realized this morning that there was one teacher that guessed based on my lovely bloat bump on the last day of school.  To avoid the "You're not showing much," conversation, I sent her an email this morning.  (We're fairly close, so not awkward.)  She tends to be a gossip, so I hope she spreads the word to anyone she blabbed to about it.  

I'm realizing that the #1 thing to talk about the first week or so back to school is, "How was your summer?"  EVERYONE asks that instead of the typical, "How are you?" I'm not sure what my response will be.  Obviously nobody wants the truth, nor do I want to share something so personal with the random Physics teacher that I see only a half dozen times a year.  How do I put on a false smile and say, "It was good, thanks!"  Those that know me well will likely see through my false smile and/or ask follow-up questions like, "What did you do?" or "It was just 'good' ?"  

Well, to be honest ... it was the worst summer of my life.  I spent a lot of time on the couch either crying from grief or struggling through the physical pain I had following my d&c.  Oh, and the fun isn't quite over yet- I have retained tissue.  Summer?  I want a re-do, a do-over where I don't lose my baby girl.  On the first day back, I was supposed to be saying, "Surprise!" when you noticed my baby bump.  Instead, you'll probably notice that I'll be taking time off of work right away for follow-up doctor's appointments.  You may also notice me fighting back tears randomly.  So... how was your summer?  

I hope I'm just being anxious for no reason and being back to school will actually be good for me- keep me busy, focused, etc.  I've learned many lessons through this journey, and it's to live in the present and have hope for the future (instead of perseverating in the past).  Most days I do really well, but this looming question will bring me back each time.  I'm thankful to be able to be honest here- no fake smiles, no "I'm fine, thanks" replies necessary.  

BethKate2

I was in a similar boat last year. I got my BFP at the end of May, and my lap. surgery ended up being the last day of school in June. I know that some people were starting to wonder what was going on because I was going to lots of appointments, had obvious bruises from blood work, and then called out on the last day. Going back last August, I was a nervous wreck, but it was fine. People asked how my summer was, I said it was good and that I didn't do anything special. It wasn't as bad as I was worried it might be.

Good luck!

gscoville

BethKate2 said:

I was in a similar boat last year. I got my BFP at the end of May, and my lap. surgery ended up being the last day of school in June. I know that some people were starting to wonder what was going on because I was going to lots of appointments, had obvious bruises from blood work, and then called out on the last day. Going back last August, I was a nervous wreck, but it was fine. People asked how my summer was, I said it was good and that I didn't do anything special. It wasn't as bad as I was worried it might be.

Good luck!

This exactly.  The anticipation you're building up of how bad everything will be is much much worse than the reality will likely be.  I've found this to be true about everything I've dreaded after our loss.  I worked everything up in my head to be horrible until I drove myself crazy and convinced myself I couldn't possibly go back to work, attend that friend's toddler's birthday party, that baby shower - but then I just went and did the things I dreaded and found that I'd built them up to be 100x worse than they ended up really being.  I got through them, much better than I thought beforehand.  This is not to say that any of these things have been easy, but each and every time I've come out of these situations feeling relief that they didn't end up being as bad as I'd anticipated, and surprised at how strong I can actually be.  And they've all become easier the more I've just met them head on.  

BethKate2

Megdowntheshore said:

On a side note, when do all you teachers go back? I go back September 2.

@Megdowntheshore, I start back August 18th and the kids come back the 25th.

Poppy715

I felt the same way when I went back to work. I had been showing already and everyone knew. I was bracing myself for whispers and stares. Everyone was so kind though. The build up in my head and the obsessing about what I would say was far worse. I was not ready to go back but had been off for too long already.

The fast way to combat it is to do as others have said. Say you didn't do anything crazy and spent Summer at home. Then deflect, ask them about their vacations and time off. People generally will talk about themselves when prompted. When you feel like crying take big deep breaths. It might help.
I'm sorry you are apprehensive about going back. It is really hard. You will get through it and be focused on your class and work in no time. The distraction helps tremendously.

mrsjg2013

Thank you all for the support and advice.  I will definitely make sure to change the subject to focus on their summer/vacation.  My husband and I adopted two kittens last month, so I think I may share that

@megdowntheshore and @BethKate2 - I also go back on the 18th, but my students start on the 20th.  I teach in IL, but live in southern WI.  WI schools go back after Labor Day.  The teachers in my hometown (also in IL) go back on the 14th!!

stinybean

The wonderful thing about being a teacher is that the majority of teachers are women. Although we can be catty at times and gossipy, we can also be the most compassionate and supportive. I hope that the ladies that you did entrust will back you up and help you get through the tough times and hopefully distract the noseybodies.

I know for me school has always been a good distraction for me and I hope it is for you as well.

I definitely think the best response to "how was your summer? " would be" it was quiet and I GOT TWO WONDERFUL KITTENS! "

Enjoy your kittens, they are a great way to get through tough times too.

Many ((Hugs)))!

Edit: grammar