NBR-Is "the highlight reel" cheating?

BabyBsOven

So I'm watching "Couples Retreat" and they brought up a good question...Do you think the "highlight reel" is cheating? The highlight reel is where a guy thinks about sexy things in his head, like the "highlights" of a porno or sexual experience, to get off. Maybe TMI but...I joke with my DH all the time if he's taking too long or I'm tired to use it. I don't think its cheating and sometimes I even use a little visualization in my head to help move things along. What do you ladies think? Is it cheating?

cmac6186

Haha we have that movie on now too. No I don't think that's cheating at all. I also don't think watching porn is cheating either. DH and I are very honest with each other about sex and while I wouldn't invite anyone physically into our bedroom a little visual stimulation doesn't hurt.

BreandMikewedding

I don't think it's cheating and I also agree that I don't think porn is cheating.

One of dh's friends is in the middle of a divorce because he watched porn and she feels it's cheating. I told Dh I would watch porn too if I was married to her. Lol. I also don't feel bad for her because she was constantly taking pictures with random "hot guys" she saw on the street and she even had a busser at a restaurant strip for her when she was out with friends.

Jennifer18131

Are you asking if fantasizing is cheating? If that's the question then absolutely not. Or several of us on this board would be filthy cheaters.

persephonerose

My husband never gets off in under an hour, unless he has "prepped" ahead of time. We have never had a quickie.  So no I don't consider porn or fantasizing to be cheating.

CrisDee

Heck, if I can't get in the mood, he will try to find some erotica to get me there....or just suggest we watch True Blood. (Aleksander Skasgard is my imaginary boyfriend)

Saragoeswest

I don't think fantasizing is cheating but it does feel wrong to me if the "highlight reel" features someone you/he actually know.

golfingdarwinfish

I tend to be of the belief that it's up to the couple to decide what constitutes cheating in their relationship. In my marriage, the highlight reel would not be considered cheating.

I agree with this sentiment. While I likely wouldn't consider the highlight reel to be cheating, knowing it was being used would probably make me uncomfortable and the intimacy would be removed from the encounter.

ETA: I asked DH about this and he said I would likely treat it as cheating.  He's probably right.

MorganWP

Saragoeswest said:

I don't think fantasizing is cheating but it does feel wrong to me if the "highlight reel" features someone you/he actually know.

This exactly. What if it was an ex or something? Im not a jealous person but that would weird me out a bit if I knew that was who starred in his "highlight reel".

archi35

Without the highlights reel I don't think we'd be expecting our little monster right now! Its hard work to throw down every other day with consistency and/or to do it on command.  I told my husband to do what he had to do - we're human and the idea that he's on point just over me every time is ridiculous, imo.  I certainly have my own thoughts sometimes too  Whatever gets it done.  I'd rather him doing so for me and me for him, then to be turning each other down and having less sex when the other wants it. For us, keeping each other sexually fulfilled is very important.

DaniGrace89

Normally I wouldn't care but now that I'm pregnant, yes....cheating.

Absolutely.

ADH0906

Jennifer18131 said:

Are you asking if fantasizing is cheating? If that's the question then absolutely not. Or several of us on this board would be filthy cheaters.

ADH0906<----Dirty filthy cheater then.

bumpuser10309732

I've never accessed the "highlight reel" during sex with DH. I don't know if I'd want him doing that either.I agree that it would take away from the intimacy of the moment for me. I don't care wtf he does as far as porn goes or if he wants to "punch the clown" Lol

themiss

For us, it isn't even remotely cheating. Porn, in my opinion, is also not cheating. I honestly think it's ludicrous (in my personal opinion) to assume that your partner will never again be attracted to someone else, even just visually, for a moment or two.

I'm pretty open minded, and comfortable/confident in my partner. I'm pretty relaxed about it all.

golfingdarwinfish

themiss said:

For us, it isn't even remotely cheating. Porn, in my opinion, is also not cheating. I honestly think it's ludicrous (in my personal opinion) to assume that your partner will never again be attracted to someone else, even just visually, for a moment or two.

I'm pretty open minded, and comfortable/confident in my partner. I'm pretty relaxed about it all.

In my opinion, being attracted to someone is completely different than getting an erection and then completing the action of jerking off to the thought of another woman/that person.

[Deleted User]

I don't think so... But I agree with other PPs that if it is someone I know or someone in his past, I would be uncomfortable. 

hgielrebmik

For my DH and I, we would both consider that or porn to be cheating, and we are on the same page about it. We are very careful to guard against putting ourselves into questionable situations as well, not because we don't trust each other, but because we respect one another. (Also, we both saved sex for marriage, so for us, purity is very important) That being said, as PP said, the important thing is that you comunicate and are on the same page about it.

BabyBsOven

I agree that it is a very personal thing between a couple. Whatever a couples agrees on, I don't have any opinion on. I also never thought about an ex being in the fantasy. I know I said we both use it all the time but now thinking that he may be thinking of someone else he knows kind of creeps me out (random porn stars or strangers is NBD to me). I have never asked what he thinks about and I don't think I ever will, just like I probably wouldn't want him to ask me about what I think about (which is mostly my favorite moments with him and a few porn scenes, but NO ex's ever!). 

I also think that if we were in a very intimate moment that was super romantic or special and I found out he was, I would be a little hurt, but in a moment where we were just fitting things in while we had some time is different. 

So weird, my first thought was, "No big deal, no its not cheating" but now thinking about all the scenarios you all mention, it makes me think. I still don't think its cheating but I do think its inappropriate and my feelings would be hurt in some situations. 

aboodtobe

It sounds like the goal is to be the highlight reel.