secret or not?

Mills0401

When my DH and I start to try again I don't want anyone to know this go round until the first trimester is over. Not even family!! I felt uncomfortable with family knowing that we were trying and then losing the baby and the entire family knowig .... I just don't want to go through that again. Am I in the wrong? Am I being unrealistic? Anyone else felt the same way?

littlecookie

Whatever you decide, you are not in the wrong. It's up to you to do what makes you comfortable, regardless of how other people feel. 

 I had a second loss and very much needed the support of my mom.  Secrecy is not the choice I personally make, but it doesn't mean either one of us is doing it wrong.

mpiemont

This is a very personal decision. If you don't want people to know, then don't tell them. You're not being "wrong" or "unrealistic". For me, I think I will tell people I am very close to sooner. It was very hard to deliver the news "I was pregnant." and "I had a miscarriage" all at once. It was alot to process emotionally.

Menrandes

You are not wrong.  That is no one's decision to make but yours and your husband's.
It is whatever you both feel the most comfortable with. 

Mills0401

I don't mind my mom knowing because she has been my rock besides my DH. But I just don't want my aunts, uncles, cousins and family friends knowing. I love my mom to death but she also told people I was prego and having to tell them about the miscarriage when I didn't even tell them I was pregnant to begin with is and has been emotional.

kate6214

There is no wrong answer. I will say I'm glad I told my immediate family when I got pregnant the second time because they shared our joy and helped us out when we needed the support. Again, it is completely up to you and your husband.

jjbmstinco

As other's have said, it is up to you and your H.  We have decided that no one else will know till 12 weeks with that comes.  It was heartbreaking for us to untell the family after 6 weeks. The look on the face and the sadness on the phone was too much. We felt almost guilty for making them sad.  So if we can avoid that again, we are going to. If I need support, we'll consider telling a few people afterwards.  I wish you the best of luck in your decision. I know it isn't an easy one.

[Deleted User]

Like others have said, whatever you and DH decide. The only people who know about our loss are our parents, my sister and a close friend. The only people who know we're trying again are our parents because we asked for medical histories and of course, you wonderful women. 

Decide what you're comfortable with and stick with it! I'm sorry your dealing with all of the emotions of others sharing your private struggles. (HUGS)

Mills0401

I think the worst was the instant heart break in my family members eyes and then the sympathy that shortly follows when they hear about the miscarriage. My heart breaks all over again. All of you ladies have been a heaven sent to me during my time of need. All of you are in my T&Ps.

mflowers929

I actually never got to break the "happy news" to my parents. I was going to wait until after my second ultrasound to tell them, which also happened to be my dad's birthday. But it was at the second ultrasound that they told me that a miscarriage was imminent. So really, the only people who knew were my mother in law (because my hubby couldn't keep his mouth shut) and our works (because I kept having to go to the hospital for bleeding, and in my line of work it's better to get it out in the open sooner rather than later).

Next time, I'll probably tell my parents right away. My mother has been a great help to me through this miscarriage, and she would be again. I'll probably also tell my BFF right away, but that's because we're trying to get pregnant around the same time, and so we've been talking about it anyways. I'll also have to tell my work, because my duties will be modified slightly. I'm going to try to get H to not open his mouth, but who knows how that will go? lol

beckynsean11

There is no right or wrong answer. In the end, you have to do what is right for you. 

I waited with my first pregnancy & we ended up telling our parents when we found out about the loss at 8 weeks. With my second, we waited until we were past 1st tri, when we thought we were safe. We lost our daughter at 17.5 weeks & had to untell everyone we knew. It was so amazing to have the support of our family & friends. Next time around, I don't know what we'll do.

yellowcat10

Mills0401 like others have said, it is a personal choice.  My husband and I decided not to tell anyone we were even tying.  A lot of this is because of my family.  No one can keep a secret.  If you want news to spread faster than the internet you tell my sisters.  After our loss i did talk to a friend who has gone through IF.  She can keep a secret and that has helped.  

It is up to you. 

RustyGirl3

DH doesn't want to announce any BFP's until we make it past the 12 week mark and the NT Scan.

Our moms knew about my March CP, but only my Mom knows about the most recent one.   DH didn't really want me telling her, but she's my Mom and I tell her practically everything.

Alicia_R1

It's all about what is right for you.  Our families and friends have known about our TTTC and our CP, so really close friends and family we'd tell because it's no secret we were doing IUIs and IVF.  For us having the support is nice and no one has been intrusive. Right now I don't know how soon I'll be calling home after we get our beta results tomorrow, depends on what it is and if it worked or not.  I think if they don't hear from me they will know. 

I know my SIL had the same mind set you did and it's not wrong.  It's a personal choice. 

CreechMommy

I agree with others - it's a personal choice.  I am trying to make the same decision.  On the one hand I want to keep it a secret next time until after the first trimester, but on the other hand I liked that people knew and we got to share in the joy (for a short while) and they were also the ones that were there supporting me when it ended.  

Do whatever you feel comfortable with.  

alm288

I also agree - there is no wrong answer. You need to do whatever you feel is correct and best for you. I think it's important to put yourself first - especially if you are protecting your feelings. Good luck!

MSU_Girl1202

As others have said, I don't think there is a wrong way to go about this, just depends on your comfort level. For me, we only told my mom and dad.. my sister doesn't know and in laws don't know. I just didn't want to have to tell them about another MC if it were to happen again.

dadalou

No one knows that we are TTC, but if we do get pregnant we plan on telling people right away. I know that I would rather tell people and then have to tell them about a miscarriage than try to get through the pain of losing another child all by myself. Our family and friends have been great through the loss of Nathaniel. I would need that support if I lost another one no matter how early.

mrsjg2013

Lots of good advice from PP's.  Just wanted to offer my support- it's a very personal decision, and whatever you decide is not "wrong."  How I felt about it seemed to change once I actually had news to share.  Best wishes for you!