Lurker with a question

Buttercup509

I have been lurking over here occasionally because MH and I have always talked about adopting. He was adopted, and wants to adopt as well. We're not ready yet, but I thought I might be able to learn a few things lurking this board. 

I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I feel like you need some background info to answer my question. We have managing conservatorship of my niece. It started in September 2012 with a call from my sister asking me to come get M because CPS was at her house. The case moved fairly quickly because she had lost her first child through CPS. She was adopted by family friends that had been trying unsuccessfully to have children. In April 2013 she agreed to give us managing conservatorship and CPS would close their case.

In the beginning she and the birth father visited often, about five times a week. After a month or so they disappeared for a few weeks. CPS was involved because of drugs so I suspect they had a relapse. By the time we were signing paperwork last April, their visits were sporadic at best. Now they visit less than once a month. Lately, when they set up a visit they won't show up. They usually don't even call or text to let me know they aren't coming. It is really frustrating.

M is almost three, so we've had her for more than half of her life. She calls us mommy and daddy. It was her choice. We had been using aunt and uncle with her, and one day she asked if she could call me mommy. 

Finally, the question part of this post. Would you continue to set up visits with the birth parents? How would you handle getting stood up all the time? I never tell M when they are supposed to visit so she is never disappointed. She usually enjoys their visits, but I don't know if she really knows who they are anymore. Our court orders give them supervised visitation at our discretion. I don't want to be a jerk, but I'm tired of getting stood up. I know it is hard on my sister to see the relationship I have with M, but she is the one that stopped coming around.

If you got this far, thank you for reading. Any insight or advice you can offer would be much appreciated.

olp920

I don't have personal experience here, but I think that I would let her know that the ball is in her court to let you know when a visit could be. She will know the door is always open but you don't need to stress out that you are forcing something that she can't handle right now. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Dr.Loretta

I have zero knowledge of this sort of setup. Since the court order is supervised visits at your discretion, my gut instinct is that you have a few options: 1) return to court and change the terms, citing the history you have with visits; 2) apply for permanent legal guardianship; or 3) decide that your discretion means you'll communicate in other ways but hold off visits until they are in a better place.

Buttercup509

Thanks ladies. It's just so frustrating because we set aside that time for them, then they don't even have the courtesy to call/text when they won't be coming. They contact me for a visit and then don't show. We do have permanent custody. They didn't terminate rights so they could take us to court to try to regain custody. I will be heartbroken if that ever happens.

I spoke with MH about it again, and I think we have a plan. The next time they call to set up a visit, I'm going to tell them that I need them to contact me the day before so I know they still plan on coming. If I don't hear anything, then I'm going to assume they won't be there. 

Chele

Buttercup509 said:

I spoke with MH about it again, and I think we have a plan. The next time they call to set up a visit, I'm going to tell them that I need them to contact me the day before so I know they still plan on coming. If I don't hear anything, then I'm going to assume they won't be there. 

This is, essentially, what happens with my foster kids' visits with their mom. If she doesn't confirm the day before that she is coming, the visit is cancelled. 

I hope this works for you. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.