i need some advice. no judgement please

tayberries

I'm 22 and fifteen weeks pregnant. I've been dating the babies father for the last three years. We broke up for a few months because I couldn't handle the way he would treat me. He would call me names and make me believe that everything that went wrong was my fault. He is the only boy I've ever loved. So when he begged me to take him back, I did. He has starting being horrible to me again. Telling me he hates me and that he is going to take the baby away from me because I don't deserve it. Calling me horrible names. My parents passed away when I was fourteen, so if I leave him I will have help from no one. I don't know what to do.

BookitBoo

Leave him. That sounds like a toxic relationship, maybe even the start of an abusive relationship.

I'm sure it seems scary and daunting, but you can do this and you will one day find someone to love who will love and respect you back. You owe it to yourself.


Good luck mama. lots of prayers

csjsmom

I was in a horrible relationship from 18 to 25. I didn't realize it at the time (I'm 41 now). He wasn't physically abusive but suffered from depression and probably was taking steroids. I thought I could help him so I stayed. I thought it proved I lived him. Eventually I went to see a counsellor and the advice I got was very helpful. I'm not sure if there's anyone you could speak to about it professionally. Maybe check with your doctor.
This doesn't sound like a good relationship. It should help make your life better not more difficult. You have time to get yourself settled before the baby is born. It's worth it!
Good luck to you!

readyforround2

BookitBoo said:

Leave him. That sounds like a toxic relationship, maybe even the start of an abusive relationship. I'm sure it seems scary and daunting, but you can do this and you will one day find someone to love who will love and respect you back. You owe it to yourself. Good luck mama. lots of prayers

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt

After reading your post that quote came to mind. It has helped me gain courage through hard times and I hope it does the same for you. If you don't stand up for yourself now it will be harder to later on. Get out now. 

  

I agree with BookitBoo. Many physically abusive relationships begin as verbal ones. You will find someone who will show you the respect and love that you deserve. My prayers are with you. 

jennyhatt

I agree. And you may not have parents but you have you! Don't discount your own strength. Please don't stay. "This too shall pass".... It may be tough now but you will look back and be so thankful you left. And soon there will be a little one who will rely on you to make the tough choices for them because they cannot. How will this man treat your child if you stay?

Please please please leave. I will listen- Pm me if needed. I don't care if we are internet strangers. We are all human beings and require support and there is more to life than being around people who don't make you feel good about yourself. Good luck xo you deserve happiness.

Disneygeek77

What you are experiencing is called the cycle of abuse.  Please read the following link about the warning signs of someone with an abusive personality.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/

Please do everything possible to protect yourself and your child from this man.  Yes, you child will be much better without him in their life.  

I am so sorry about your parents but do what you can to muster up as much courage as possible and leave him.

Trust me, he will not help with the baby.  If anything  he will make life much more difficult.  

LadyXaverian

No judgment- just encouragement. As others have said, it is really important that you find a way to leave him. I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents; Do you have anyone else in your life who you can turn to? Grandparents? Aunts, uncles, cousins, good friends? A church family?

Good luck to you.

Roxycc55

Ditto to what all PPs have said. Please leave. I know that isn't easy, but you are strong and can be brave for your baby.

That being said, there are lots of resources for less financially able pregnant women. I have no clue what your financial situation is, and this is in no way judgmental to you, but if finances, etc are an issue, go to your social services office and talk to someone. There are resources for housing, food, and some financial help. It could hopefully help you feel at least less financially alone in this if that makes sense. I know it's very hard. I'm sorry you are going through this right now.

kolaczka

I was also in a relationship with an emotionally abusive man when I was in my early/mid 20s. I guess I thought I could fix him. I remember thinking that if this is what a serious relationship feels like I would rather be alone. I moved out about a week later.

I have since married my best friend. Everything about this relationship is easy and comfortable. There has never once been the pain and angst I felt with the ex-boyfriend.

I can imagine that going alone is really scary but both you and your baby deserve more than this man is willing to give you.

YaMrWhite

If he treats you like that, what makes you think he won't treat your child like that? Maybe not at first, but one day. You never know. Leave. You can do this alone. You are stronger than you think.

mommy5point0

No judgement, just care and concern because I have been there.

A man who will behave in this way has deep seeded real issues that may or may not be fixable. It is not your job or the job of a child to do this. Likely he doesn't realize how dangerous and manipulative this behavior is, or if he's really dangerous, he does and gets a kick out of it.

You need to leave for the sake of your own long term safety and that of your child. This is someone who WILL fight you for custody for the thrill of it and mess with you through your child.

I could go on and on but ultimately since you asked, I think you're smarter than you may want to give yourself credit for and know what you need to do.

My XH is like this. I could go on and on, but will only say that he showed these things early enough that I could have left. If I could do things over again, I never would have married him, I would have chosen a better father for my children and I would have left the father field on the BC blank so he wouldn't have rights to the kids. But I digress.

Feel free to PM me if you need support or direction. You have resources.

ETA: I don't doubt for a moment that you have some very nice memories from your time with him. As someone who has been there, I also don't doubt that you're in love with THOSE memories, and who he's been in those moments...probably also who you hope he can be someday and the life you hope to build together. When you have another innocent person to be concerned with, you have to love them more than the possibility of what could be. I promise you that when you peel back the layers and look at what he has proven he really is, the picture isn't pretty at ALL.

Hugs.

EmilyD76

You are never alone. There are always resources available with people who have been in your situation.

kayham12

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you do get some help with this. I don't have any expierence but I know it can be very difficult to get out of abusive relationships. Even if you don't think he will treat your child this way, do you want your child to see him treat you that way? You are never alone and I wish you and your baby the best.

AlfiesMOM

Everyone has touched on what I would say, I just wanted to add I am sorry you are going through this. You are going to be a momma now and you have to be in the best situation for you and your baby. You can do it on your own!

oboeodo

I too can not add to what others have said, I just want to send you love and hugs!  Try to find other family or friends that you can lean on.  Don't be ashamed of what is happening and make sure you talk to others about it.

Stargirlb

Been there, done that. You have to leave. It will only get worse.

It won't be easy, but by posting this I think you know what you need to do.

jennkg3

oboeodo said:

I too can not add to what others have said, I just want to send you love and hugs!  Try to find other family or friends that you can lean on.  Don't be ashamed of what is happening and make sure you talk to others about it.

This! You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and you deserve so much better-always know that and always remember that.

Lanatir

I agree with what all the other ladies have said.  You need to get out.  It will be easier to do it now, before the baby is born and you have to transport you and the baby and before you invest any more into the "relationship."

becks2012

There are resources out there, and people who will help you, you just need to take the first steps and reach out to them. 

Take care of yourself, so you can take care of your little one.  I'd advise you to act now, rather than waiting, as the little one will complicate things even more.  Good luck.  Please know that I'm thinking of you.

jennkg3

I want to just add I'm sure it's been said (I won't lie I didn't read all your responses) I can't emphasis enough find a support group. It's vital! It is hard to feel alone but you aren't and don't have to be. If you need help finding a support group google it, call a local hospital, but please because none of this is you it's him, his problems. I know you are thinking I know that but these relationships break those thoughts done. People think what can I do to make him better, you can't. You can only take care of yourself (and baby). And PLEASE take care of yourself again you are worth it and deserve it.

Latham12

Echoing what other ladies have said. I'm so sorry :-( Do you have grandparents or foster parents, aunts or uncles that can help?

mandikins27

I am sorry you are going through this and i know you feel trapped and scared and overwhelmed but i promise you you will feel better and happier without the negativity. Do you have a womens shelter in your town you could talk to someone there come up with a plan feel supported and confident in your decision

ScienceMama

tayberries said:

I'm 22 and fifteen weeks pregnant. I've been dating the babies father for the last three years. We broke up for a few months because I couldn't handle the way he would treat me. He would call me names and make me believe that everything that went wrong was my fault. He is the only boy I've ever loved. So when he begged me to take him back, I did. He has starting being horrible to me again. Telling me he hates me and that he is going to take the baby away from me because I don't deserve it. Calling me horrible names. My parents passed away when I was fourteen, so if I leave him I will have help from no one. I don't know what to do.

It May Seem Hard To But You Have To Walk Away If He Isn't The One If He Mistreats You Now The Baby Arriving May Not Be The Turning Point For Him. If He Won't Consider Counseling You Need To Make The Best Choice For You. There Are Resources Available To Support You If NecessaryAnd Even Though Your Parents Aren't Around You Know They Would Want The Best For You And The Baby. Pray About Your Decision And Know That God Always Loves And Cares For You.

jspringstun

Im sorry to hear you are going through this. Unfortunately, this sounds like emotional abuse and is one of the steps to your boyfriend gaining control over you. I hope you can find the strength to leave.

lmno12515

I grew up in a very abusive environment it started off as emotional and ended up physical. I watched my mother take 16 years of emotional abuse by a step father (my father also passed away) He was not only abusive to my mother but to us as well. My mom felt stuck because she had 4 kids by the age of 21 and didn't think that she could move on with 4 kids alone. It did more damage to us than good. We all grew up with emotional issues (low self-esteem, anger problems, violent) eventually 3 out of 4 of us ended up in abusive relationships as well. I finally decided that I would no longer allow anyone to degrade me or make me feel less. It took years of work and tears and anger towards my step father and my mother for sticking around but By the grace of God I was able to break away from that. I am now married to an amazing man and father to my son.

From the point of view of a child and a woman that has also experienced this please leave. You don't want your baby to see that or experience that. They will grow up thinking that behavior is ok and will accept it from other people or become the abusers. Be in a relationship that you would want your child to be in. Give your child the example of how a relationship should be. My prayers are with you.

GirlWithAnchors

I know how hard it can be to leave. From 14-16 I was in a terrible abusive relationship. It starts as verbal but escalades quickly. My ex SO had me feeling horrid about myself think that my family never loved me & that I was worthless & ohh so lucky to be with them. It's BULLSHIT. You are so much better than that & by asking for advice you're ready to come to terms with him not being the one for you or your precious child. You might not have the greatest support system in the world but you have all of us to at least talk to & help you out. All the PP have given you some great advice & offered to be a shoulder to lean on.


Release yourself from this stress cause not you or the baby deserve it. You're not alone!

bustysinclare

Leave. Leave. Leave. If you live together, move out. Find a friend you can stay with. Have his number blocked. I'd been through something similar and you will have weak moments where you will think taking him back will make all his bombarding harrassment stop. If you stay with a friend they can run interference so that he cannot show up and try to wear you down. Get away for you and your baby

summererobinson

Leave him. You’re better off in a shelter than with him! Don’t put him on the birth certificate and if he wants to try and take the baby he will have to take you to court and everything else. They do NOT take babies from mothers for no reason. You also need to make sure you get a restraining order if he becomes violent in any way. People like him only get worse, not better. It will go from words to him putting his hands on you

nmrd

Everyone has given really great advice. I would add that even if the abuse doesn't escalate, verbal and emotional abuse can be incredibly damaging and have lasting long-term effects. Leaving probably won't get any easier either. Sorry you're going through this, but I believe you can find and build a stronger support network.

jonesparty7

I went through this with my first pregnancy.  I know the thought of doing it on your own is the most frightening thought there is.  My ex-husband would get nose to nose to me and call me horrific names - I could take it but I couldn't take having my child grow up in that environment.  You have to remember that it is no longer just about yourself.  You have a beautiful child growing inside of you.  You need to stay healthy and strong for him/her.  You have to watch out for both of your safety now.   Its easy for everyone to tell you to just leave - but it's true.  In the end you will feel empowered and happy that you did this. 

I don't know what area you live in but there has to be resources.. shelters, etc.  You can do this.  *hugs*

Emilysrlaw

I agree with what everyone has said, you and your baby deserve better. If you would like someone to talk to feel free to PM me. I can't relate to your specific situation, but I am your age and a great listener if you need someone to chat with. HUGS!

efujan

My best friend tried to stay with her baby's father before her daughter was born, it was a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, and she just wanted to keep the father in her baby's life.  Finally she realized that the emotional toll it was taking on her wasn't going to let her be the best mother she needed to be for her daughter.

I think you've already realized that you need to move on from this relationship to be happy.  Good luck taking that step . . . I know it's a difficult one from what I saw with my friend, but now, 15 years later, my friend is married to a wonderful man who treats her like a husband should treat his wife.  Better things are in store from you - even if it's a rocky road to get there.  Like others said, being a single mom is better than being in an abusive relationship & having your child there as witness to it!!

HannahNoel19

Many people will say leave. I'm not going to tell you what to do because I've been in that place and for years I was treated like crap emotionally physically.. Bad situation. But no story is just alike. My ex just so happened to be addicted to drugs and they made him mean. Others are naturally born mean. We never had a kid but I watched my sister go through a similar matter around the time I was but her and him had a child and it was bad. But listening to her still to this day she can't leave him even though it wasn't her first love. She says she feels a connection through the children and it makes it hard to let go.

In the end you need to do what will make you happy and do the best you can for your child. You may want to think about the child and how his actions can affect the child if raised around such behavior and think "if he can do this to me what stops him from being hateful to the baby"

Ultimately it's all your decision. And I'm sure you will make the one that is best for you and baby. Good luck.

jennkg3

HannahNoel19 said:

Many people will say leave. I'm not going to tell you what to do because I've been in that place and for years I was treated like crap emotionally physically.. Bad situation. But no story is just alike. My ex just so happened to be addicted to drugs and they made him mean. Others are naturally born mean. We never had a kid but I watched my sister go through a similar matter around the time I was but her and him had a child and it was bad. But listening to her still to this day she can't leave him even though it wasn't her first love. She says she feels a connection through the children and it makes it hard to let go. In the end you need to do what will make you happy and do the best you can for your child. You may want to think about the child and how his actions can affect the child if raised around such behavior and think "if he can do this to me what stops him from being hateful to the baby" Ultimately it's all your decision. And I'm sure you will make the one that is best for you and baby. Good luck.

I wonder too if there might be an alcohol or drug addiction, this does make things different please still find a support group

LaStella25

I want to first say that I'm terribly sorry you are going through this. It's not fair that your boyfriend is treating you this way.  

You can think with your brain, your heart, or your gut. Once I started following my gut and not my heart, my world was turned upside down.  Everything just came together for me and my life (job, friends, love life).

We are all here to support you, in whatever decision you make.  I know it's a difficult choice, either way you go.

Christina_Diane

Please leave him. He sounds abusive and manipulative. You have to think about your baby and protect it. It will be difficult, but you can do it.

texasmama786

I was in a relationship like this with my first baby's father. Unfortunately, these type of men only get worse. At first they are charming and romantic and once they have hooked you, the real person comes out from hiding. Name calling and putting you down are tools used to devalue your self worth and make you feel alone - in turn making you need him. I remember crying my eyes out, being told that I was fat, my boobs were saggy, I was stupid, cunt, whore, slut... eventually the name calling turned into him pushing me into the wall when I was pregnant and I ended up breaking our baby swing when I fell. He told me that he was sorry and he would try to be better. For a while things are good again - this is the cycle of abuse. Eventually the pushing turned into choking, hitting me and punching me in the face and him going to jail. I know it's hard because you love him and you want to believe he will change, but sweety please take my advice and get away from him ASAP. You are a strong woman and they have programs out there to help women and children get through things like this. I had to swallow my pride and go to a shelter at one point, but making that choice was the best decision I ever made for me and my child. Don't let him control you anymore. He does not love you, do yourself a favor and don't waste anymore time on him. I'm sure you are a young attractive girl and there are alot of good men out there that would accept your child as theirs. 

Stargirlb

Amazing how these patterns play out exactly the same in so many guys.

ShuShubee

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship when I was about 19. Luckily it didn't last long, but I didn't realize he was emotionally abusing me until much later. He is controlling you because he doesn't think you will leave, and when you do, he acts like a saint. Oh he'll get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness, and then go back to his ways very shortly after. This is emotional abuse. You must leave. Please, for the sake of your child. You do not want that child to grow up thinking that it what a relationship looks like.

I know it is hard and I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is very easy for a bunch of internet strangers to tell you to leave, but the act of doing so is hard. Please seek out someone in real life that will be supportive. Anyone - pastor, friend, aunt, uncle, cousin, counselor. Resources are there, you just need to find them. If you don't know where to look, go to church or a shelter, they can point you in the right direction at minimum. You don't need to be religious to ask for help from a church.

Repeat after me - I am worth more than him. Keep repeating until you believe it for as long as that takes.

AggieMom0809

For your safety and the babies, I would leave. You don't need a toxic relationship and it's only likely to get harder when the baby comes. There are many ways to get help to support yourself and the baby.

Shortstack06

I recently worked with a woman that started dating someone and found out she was pregnant shortly after.  They split up while she was pregnant because he would degrade her and he actually hit her.  She said he changed and went back to him after their daughter was born.  She actually recently left him and moved in with a co-worker until she got her feet under her.  It wasn't easy and she is looking into state day cares, WIC,  and all options that are available to her.